Can "good" parents raise a "bad" kid?

[LuckyMommaToo]

Yes, I know those terms are relative. But I hope you know what I'm getting at. My brother, who teaches fifth and sixth grade, insists that yes, good parents can raise bad kids. Kinda scary to think that we really don't have that much influences on our DCs. How much is genetic? I'm not sure what I think. Any thoughts?
-Erin

[Joannarachel]

I'm going to guess 'yes'.

Humans do have free will. Our job as parents is to model loving, appropriate, socially conscious attachment (along with providing basic human needs ), but the rest is up to them.

I doubt every murderer, thug, and adulterer had crappy parents, kwim?

[cinnamonamon]

This is where I think the "American Model of Parenting" comes into play. So many people doing what "everyone else" does... cio, punitive discipline, semi-strict/authoritative upbringing, (perhaps) daycare (less attachment w/ parent??)... Just in general not being in touch w/ their kids -- but doing everything "right."

And since some of these things don't bother/overtly harm all -- or even most -- children, it isn't very noticeable. My mom said she's afraid she came close to abusively spanking my younger sister as a toddler to try to get her to mind -- with me she just said "no" and I not only stopped but burst out crying. My sis had a kind of rough upbringing what with her determination to do things she shouldn't -- but this was with the same mom who raised several others with no problem at all. She just didn't know how to teach this sister (although there were also factors in said sister's life to cause trouble...). FTR, they're not pretty close & sis have pretty much straightened up.

[NJ*Doula]

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[frontierpsych]

I think it's totally possible. My mom was in the middle, and her kids are all very different, so I guess we just picked up on different behaviors. i think it also depends on the order of the children (first, middle, youngest, only child, etc) i was the first child, and very outgoing and independent. my brother was the middle child, starved for attention, always doing something to get noticed (and usually injured in the process), my sister was the youngest, and she seems a lot younger now, at 15, than my brother or I (she's going to be a junior soon, but it's so hard to picture her on her own). So I guess that has a lot to do with it, because I've seen so many families with similar dynamics.

[loraxc]

Yes, I strongly believe they can. I would argue that sometimes just a little bit of disconnection at the wrong time, especially in the teens--not necessarily a lot of disconnection--can sometimes tip the scales terribly. The parents could still be generally great parents.

[wildmonkeys]

I have a a friend who is an excellent parent, very AP, and very tuned in with her kids. Her 6 year old is a "great" kid - easy to get along with socially. Her older son has gotten into a fair amount of trouble at school and has trouble getting along with peers. He isn't a "bad" kid, but he seems to make things harder for himself than they need to be. He does well in school but seems to seek out and find trouble : She worries about him constantly. I am sure in the end he will be okay, but I wouldn't fault her for his troubles thus far.

BJ
Barney & Ben

[annethcz]

Absolutely. Anyone can make bad decisions. There are plenty of times when I've known the 'right' thing to do, and yet chosen to do the wrong thing.

I know of a wonderfully loving family who raised 2 upstanding, caring children. Yet the third child ended up running away as a teenager, getting involved in a prostitution ring and having substance abuse problems. In no way do I think that it was the parents' fault.

Yes, poor parenting can be a factor in childrens' bad behavior. But it's certainly not the ONLY factor.

Although I do my best to help my children make good decisions, as kids get older and more self-directed, it's inevitable that they will make bad decisions at times.

[sunnmama]

Yes, I believe so.

All kinds of things can happen. A child of wonderful parents could be abused by a trusted family member or friend. Brain injury, from an accident or toxins, that results in antisocial behavior. A "great" parenting style that is simply not suited for the child's temperament and strains the relationship. Trauma of all sorts our of the parents' control.

[kittywitty]

The most wonderful parent that I have ever known, that I would give both my legs to be their child raised what I guess can be considered a "bad" kid. She was very into drugs and was bulimic and made very bad choices. She is actually doing better now that she has her own kid, but to me I know it wasn't the parents, and it makes me sad when this happens.

And yes, bad parents raise good kids, take me and my brothers, for example, and it seems the opposite is entirely possible, too.

[sunnysideup]

I think sometimes kids that are raised by good parents make bad choices. The kids that make it through those tough times have parents that still see the good in them--parents that encourage their children, see them in their best light, and never right them off as "bad" kids.

[LolaK]

The more I am around kids and the more I think about friends and their parents, etc., the more I believe in NATURE more than nurture. Kind of sad actually but I think genetics plays a huge role in just about everything from behavior to health. For instance my grandmother smoked a ton for 60 years, she is now 98 and still walks to town every day to get groceries that she lugs back up a hill in a cart (she live in a small town in Greece). She is 100% German, born on a farm in the US, married a Greek and lived in Greece for most of her life. My Dad is turning 70 this year and he is as spry as most 30 year olds I know. I think that is all genetics.

[Alkenny]

Most definately, but we still have to try.

[raleigh_mom]

Absolutely.

And the children of "bad" (how about "misguided") parents can turn out fine.

But I think trying our best still goes a long way in helping our kids, and in helping us be better people too.

[Arwyn]

Yes, for all the reasons previous posters mentioned. But also because "good" doesn't mean "perfect". ("Perfect" has its own faults too, of course, which is funny, because by definition that means that "perfect" isn't perfect. But that's another discussion.)

[dolphinkisser]

Yes..so much of it is temperament. It is easy to blame a difficult child on bad parenting but that is unfair and self-righteous. I have known wonderful parents who have difficult kids and messed up parents who have great kids. I love all my 3 children equally in different ways....my middle dd is always problematic and my other 2 kids would lay their life down for me.
If you have children who are wonderfully behaved and never give you problems....consider yourself lucky.

[mamato2boys]

OP stated, "Kinda scary to think we don't really have that much influence.."

Once kids are "school age" most of then are spending a huge chuck of their waking hours away from their parents, somewhere where there are hundreds of others influencing them. I'm not sure what % of children are in daycare but those children too are certainly influenced by people other than their parents from an even earlier age. Throw in the media: TV, movies, radio etc.
Very few kids spend the first important years of development influenced solely by their parents.


I think parents do play a role in what their kids become; it just may not be as big of a role as we would like.

[boongirl]

I've been an elementary school teacher for 10 years, grades 1-5, and the only "bad" kids I've seen being raised by "good" parents were either adopted or being raised by grandparents because the mom or dad were in jail or in rehab or drug addicted and not able to raise the child. In other words, these children were born damaged, due to drug addiction in utero, most likely, or being in an orphanage overseas during infancy. With adopted kids, it is hard to figure it out. This is by no means a scientific study, but it is my experience. All the other "bad" kids had parents who were either overtly or inadvertently doing something damaging to their kids. The worst ones were the kids being raised by parents who had no clue how horribly damaging their own behavior was to their children.

[mmace]

I think they absolutely can. My sister and I are four years apart. We have the same two parents and were raised the same way. She had a lot of trouble and made some really bad choices when she was younger. Luckily she has really straightened her life out in the past couple of years. I'm not saying my parents were perfect (who really is perfect?!) but they are good people and did a great job raising both of us, and the end result was one "good" kid (I hate saying that about myself - it feels arrogant and that's not the way I mean it, but you know what I mean...) and one "bad" kid (hate saying that even more, especially now that she is doing such a good job with her life!).

[dolphinkisser]

Originally Posted by boongirl

I've been an elementary school teacher for 10 years, grades 1-5, and the only "bad" kids I've seen being raised by "good" parents were either adopted or being raised by grandparents because the mom or dad were in jail or in rehab or drug addicted and not able to raise the child. In other words, these children were born damaged, due to drug addiction in utero, most likely, or being in an orphanage overseas during infancy. With adopted kids, it is hard to figure it out. This is by no means a scientific study, but it is my experience. All the other "bad" kids had parents who were either overtly or inadvertently doing something damaging to their kids. The worst ones were the kids being raised by parents who had no clue how horribly damaging their own behavior was to their children.

That has not been my experience. I have been a teacher in the public school system for 17 years. I have seen children give their loving parents who bend over backwards a hard time. I have friends whose kids have grown up and want nothing to do with them. These people are wonderful. I just want to put my arms around them and hug them. They have a lot of stress to deal with in life as it is.Then people in society who think they have all the answers love to put their 2 cents in.
I am thinking of a parent of one of my students whom absolutely adore....both mother and daughter. However..the daughter is a absolute b-. I feel worse for mom because people keep telling her it is due to bad parenting. I know her well and i know that is absolute b-! She is a difficult kid. Period. It is easy to conjecture what goes on in a home we know nothing about...but we need to stop making simple assumptions lest it comes back to bite us in the butt.