or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › 19 yr old living at home--limits?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

19 yr old living at home--limits? - Page 3

post #41 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthpartner
Thanks to the few people who gave me something to consider. Most of you have your opinions without being a parent of an older teen, or you are really young yourself, which IMO makes you "wet behind the ears". Respect is something which seems to have been missed in most of the posts. When you live on your own as an adult you can do whatever you want, but when you live with someone else--especially your parents there should be mutual respect. At 19 sleepovers are not to hang out with friends and watch movies--they are a way to be able to party all night and crash, just as spring break in Daytona Beach is not for building sandcastles. I'm sure most of you would be like my DS's friends parents that let all the friends who are under drinking age come over, take the keys away and supply the beer to kids under the minimum drinking age of 21.
That seems to be a fairly major assumption to be making about people, don't you think? I wouldn't give my 19-year-old son a curfew, but there's no way I'd allow underage drinking in my home, either. I can't imagine why you'd be "sure" that the people who disagree with you would do so.

I agree that anybody who lives with me should treat me with respect, and I also treat them with respect. I don't think there's any "especially parents" aspect to it, though.

I also think that calling people "wet behind the ears" simply because we don't have older teens is a little over the top. I remember how I was treated as an "older teen" in my mom's home, and intend to do things the same way. I've also been very closely involved with a friend's family while he raised his kids, and saw what did and didn't work with his "kids" (the youngest is now 28). Not having an older teen yet doesn't mean we're oblivious or unable to comment on the situation. I knew pretty much what my parenting philosophy was before I got pregnant with ds1. In 13 years, it hasn't changed, and I haven't had any real surprises (aside from the breakup with his dad) yet.

(Incidentally...at 19, "sleepovers" for me were ways to spend extra time with friends - sometimes that meant staying up all night watching movies (for example, our fondly remembered Star Trek marathons) - sometimes it meant just playing board games and chatting - and sometimes it meant getting plastered (legally - 19 is legal drinking age here). Maybe your ds and his friends only have overnights as a way of getting drunk, but that doesn't mean it's what "sleepovers are" at 19. I was using sleepovers to do drugs and drink at 16, but not so much at 19. And, giving me a curfew at 16 didn't have stop me - if people are really determined to "party", they'll find a way to do it.

Okay - I'm rambling - too tired, and it's bedtime. But, the tone of your post, especially while you were touting the value of treating people with respect, really grated on me. I'm far from wet behind the ears, and I'm certainly not advocating that anyone support underage drinking when I say that I won't have any kind of curfew for my son when he reaches 19.
post #42 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua
I paid rent at 18. 1/3rd of all the bills. If he wants to be treated like an adult he should take on the responsibilities. Paying 1 equal portion of the bills in the house is more than fair so long as you aren't in a house that costs 2.5k a month in rent.



300-450 a month for a room is more than reasonable at 18 and forces them to get out into the world and learn how the world works.
:

My brother had his way paid through college (even though he flunked out, my dad got him back in), he never had to pay rent, he moved back in with my parents after college and gave a couple of tries at moving out, but just wasn't responsible enough. He never had to be. He is now supposed to be paying me rent, and he owes me over 9,000 which I am just supposed to accept he will pay "one day". He's 29 and has a job, he is living in an apartment my grandparents left us, and he had enough money for a trip to Hawaii a few months ago (but he can't pay me rent).

I see nothing wrong with having young adults learn lessons in the real world while living with their parents. Now if a child really can't work and study (some can't) but is pulling good grades in college that would be OK in my book too. If he can work and put sub-woofers in his car, he can give you some $$ towards expenses.

I don't know if this was mentioned later in the thread, but I know several parents who put their teen / young adult's money in a special account every month so it is there when young adult wants to move out on his / her own and needs to buy furniture and pay first / last month's rent etc. Kind of like a forced savings plan.

As for coming home and rules etc., I would agree w/ the PP that it is more abouta cortosy to roomates rather than a child / parent relationship. If he wants to take trips or whatever he should be able to as long as he can pay for them.
post #43 of 66
I'm from a totally different culture and had an incredibly permissive mother, but I will say that at 19 I expect respect, I would like to know where he is going and what time I should expect him back, but beyond that I don't expect to give him permission to do so, I guess because this is how I was treated when I came of age, I'd say where I was going and my mom was fully educated on what time the clubs etc I went to closed and if I was driving someone home, who lived out of my way even at 23 (when I left home) I'd call.
But then at 18 I expect that my child would have been driving 2 years and would have a job and taken over some of the bills linked with the car, like the insurance and gas.

But I do believe that he should pay some money towards the household, I did this and so did my dh, however his brother who has never taken the responsiblity of paying bills etc, is a true flake, and I think being able to have everything paid for was a HUGE part in this.

And truly calling those who don't agree with you wet behind the ears, tisk tisk.
While I would allow MY child to drink in my home, again culture difference here, I would NEVER allow anyone else child to, that's just how my family has decided to deal with the issue, because our family is spread between 2 countries one of which allows you in clubs at 17, there is no carding etc we teach that drinking is normal, so no binge drinking when they hit 18 or 21.
I grew up in the cool house, not because my mom allowed other ppl's kids to do as they liked, but because she would talk to my friends, she treated them with respect and in many cases my mom was the one they called first and asked to speak to their own parents when issues came up, even now with many of us knocking or passed the door of 30 my mom still is very close to many of my friends.

Truthfully I think he'll tell you want you want to hear and then in a couple of weeks it'll be back to the same ole, because at 19 and he has to report home at 2am he'll resent being treated like a child and being forced to answer to you when he comes home "late"
post #44 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kajira
While I would allow MY child to drink in my home, again culture difference here, I would NEVER allow anyone else child to,
I agree completely. I wouldn't allow my son to get drunk at home when he was underage, but I wouldn't have a problem with him having a single drink of beer, or a glass of wine with dinner. That won't be until he's older, though...he gets to taste (wet his lips) an occasional drink now, but that's it. He's only 13.

Quote:
I grew up in the cool house, not because my mom allowed other ppl's kids to do as they liked, but because she would talk to my friends, she treated them with respect and in many cases my mom was the one they called first and asked to speak to their own parents when issues came up, even now with many of us knocking or passed the door of 30 my mom still is very close to many of my friends.
:
My mom is still close to some of our old friends, and we're all hovering a lot closer to 40 than 30. (My brother is 43, and mom's still fairly close to two of his old friends...the only ones he still spends time with.) People liked coming to our house, and it had nothing to do with being allowed to do whatever they liked. I do think it had a lot to do with being allowed to be whomever they were.
post #45 of 66
Storm Bride expressed my opinions eloquently.

If the person who made the original derrogatory comments about younger mothers is as equally insulting to her teenage children, no small wonder a problem exists.
post #46 of 66
Appropriate rules for an adult living in you home would sound something like this:
1) No drugs in the house.
2) No friends staying over without prior approval.
3) If you won't be home by 10, call and let us know, so we don't worry.

Whether he does well in school or not is irrelevant to your home. If he's not doing a fair job at school, and you don't want to front him any more money for it, then stop. But it really is irrelevant to your housing situation. Where he goes and what he does are really none of your business, unless he is doing things in your house that you have specifically told him are not ok. I don't think that it is out of line to charge an adult child rent, but it would be in leiu of helping around the house. That means if he pays rent, he cleans up only after himself, he is not obligated to load dishwashers, vacuum general areas of the house, do yard work, etc. Your son may be 19, and making choices that you would rather him not make, but he is an adult. Its time for you to realize that if you have failed to get through to him thus far, he is going to have to learn it for himself. Some kids just DO have to learn it for themselves. But you harping on him will push him farther the opposite way.
post #47 of 66
Thread Starter 
(Incidentally...at 19, "sleepovers" for me were ways to spend extra time with friends - sometimes that meant staying up all night watching movies (for example, our fondly remembered Star Trek marathons) - sometimes it meant just playing board games and chatting - and sometimes it meant getting plastered (legally - 19 is legal drinking age here). Maybe your ds and his friends only have overnights as a way of getting drunk, but that doesn't mean it's what "sleepovers are" at 19. I was using sleepovers to do drugs and drink at 16, but not so much at 19. And, giving me a curfew at 16 didn't have stop me - if people are really determined to "party", they'll find a way to do it.

First of all there is a big difference between girls and boys when it comes to what they do socially. Quite possibly what you did at 16 or 19 may or may not be what my DS is doing or has done at the sleepovers he has been to. I somehow doubt that he is playing board games. True, it is next to impossible to stop things, but I sure am going to parent and try to make an impact on the choices he makes. Call me over protective (as many of you so easily labeled me in your posts), but I don't think my job as a mom ends when my kids turn 18. My 2 daughters are much different and I will parent them differently--perhaps they will not need a curfew at all. My 16 yr old is totally opposite and doesn't even hang out late. I don't believe for a second that things couldn't change down the road. So, it is possible that you are not in the same boat yet, but things can change. Watching someone else parent a child is MUCH different then dealing with your own child. And being just a little older then 19 as some of you are, in no way makes one an expert in parenting a 19 yr old. I remember thinking I knew much more then my parents at that age.
It may be a wrong assumption that everyone that feels there should be no curfew at 19 also feels okay with handing out booze to 19 yr olds. From the responses I received on this board and the way my son explains his friends parents views--lets just say there is a strong similarity.
I have worked through things and appreciate the responses of some of the people on this board, but I must say, I am quite surprised to have received some of the responses on this thread from a MDC board. Perhaps next time, I will look for support from a different source. I never expected to open up such a can of worms!
post #48 of 66
My kids are 27, 23, 18, and twins, 16. So, I have been there!


Oh, yeah, I 'm there now!


I didn't read the whole thread, just not enough time, so forgive me if I repeat someone else's advice.

First of all, I don't want to stay up all night and worry, and I don't want to sleep through soundly while my kid lies in some ditch. That's what my mother always said! So, the rule here is, tell me when you'll be home, and BE here, or tell me you're staying out all night and do that. Your choice. I will, of course, ask who's house you're spending the night at, just in case OUR house burns down, or I drop dead and someone wants to notify you.

Once you turn 18, you're an adult. (kinda) So, it's either school, which you get loans for and pay for, (if I had the money I'd pay as long as their grades were good, and I'd pay AFTER they had their grades, so it was their money up front. They CAN get loans) or you have a job and pay room and board.

The point of room and board is to learn responsibility, not to make me rich. I take 20-25% of their check, depending on age, and , well, how soon I'd like to see them move out!: R and B gets you meals and snacks, a roof over your head. It does NOT cover gas in my car, me doing their laundry, or their deoderant, shampoo, makeup etc.

THey are responsible for all their own clothing!

My ds did not liek the rules. He left. Now he's 23. He had droipped out of HS the last few months, was drinking all the time, was belligerent and mean. He spent a few weeks sleeping in his truck, had some lousy apts. Just last week he won a full scholarship to UMASS, by writing an essay! He has a marvelous girlfriend, a nice apt, a nicer car than his dad and has worked realy hard for all of it.

DON'T pay for the new books! WHy should you? If he chooses to make dumb decisions, you cna't protect him from them. Let him go, let m\him struggle and find his own way. Offer to help if he strives and does well, but don't reward bad behavior!

And good luck. I know how hard this is!
post #49 of 66
Thread Starter 
Thanks so much Red--reading your post gives me hope. I like your suggestions and have already thought about some of them. Every now and then I see little things that he does that makes me think he is headed in the right direction--but then he often regresses again. I imagine it will be a long process, but he will get to where he wants to be eventually.
post #50 of 66
Well at 19 he is an adult.
But he is not on his own or paying you rent. So since he is in your household you can have rules.
If he doesnt like it he will move out.
For the PP who said something like it is just as much the kids house as the parents: uh NO the parents worked and paid for the bills 99% of the time.
I am 22 and I left 2 months after graduation and went to college and I dont plan to live at home again. I want my own rules and to feel like I am an adult.
So if the OP son wanted to live in her home he should abide by her rules or get out. Simply as that
post #51 of 66
I do want to say that I don't think being a "cool" parent means letting the kids do whatever they want in your house. For me, one of the best parts of parenting an older teen has been getting to know his friends and enjoy their successes as well as my own son's. One of my ds's friends who has a clean-freak for a mother says he likes to come to our house because sometimes at our house you risk sticking to the kitchen floor if you walk in your sock feet. :

Sleepovers around here generally involve movies, obnoxious video games (which they have the courtesy to tell me to keep the littler kids upstairs during ) and eating lots of my food. Dance Dance Revolution marathons and twister marathons have occurred also. And my ds's friends are a lot of roll playing game geeks, so card games and board games are not uncommon either. Basically, I think you can't make generalizations about what teens are doing - better to just ask.

When it comes to friends over, I have much more trouble with my 11 yr old dd than with the older teens! She and her friends are known to sneak on the internet and post personal stuff where they shouldn't, talk to absolute strangers, and once to scare the living daylights out of one girl spending the night with a bunch of them by convincing her my dd was a real vampire : The internet stuff is especially scary because she's just such an innocent while wanting to look cool in front of her friends. Never had that problem with ds, and I wonder what she'll get up to as she gets older.


In my professional life, I see a lot of parents and teens whose relationships are just about beyond redemption. I myself don't have a lot of personal experience there yet, but I have seen some things that I know I want to avoid. No matter how good a parent you are, your child will make choices you don't like. When they are little, that may be things like throwing toys or refusing to clean up. When they are big, the decisions are bigger too, and the mistakes they make have many more consequences. I don't feel like you have to support or even go along with choices you don't like - such as paying for school when an adult child is clearly blowing it off, or letting underage folks drink in your house. But my goal is to get through this time with my child still knowing I love him and will be there for him. Although it breaks my heart sometimes to see him do things I don't like, I try to remember that when I was young I made some really stupid choices, but I seem to have turned out okay in the end. I think you have to make a difference between disliking and not supporting an action and disliking and not supporting a person.

I haven't just turned him loose and said "you're an adult. good luck." but I'm expecting him to act like an adult now that he nearly is one, so I try to treat him like one. That means I do expect him to keep common courtesy and tell me where he's going and when he's coming back, and also check before he has people over, but I don't give him permission any more to do things. I might say "Hmm, do you think that's the best idea because of . . ." Surprisingly, he often agrees with me! There are a few standing rules - he is expected to be saving his money from working this summer to take care of his personal expenses this year, he pays car insurance and buys his own gas, and he's expected to help around the house and to pick up the little kids when needed. I do the same sorts of things for him, and for my dh, and for the littler kids.
post #52 of 66
i was reading through the responses and got to the point where you said he bought new books just because he didn't want to wait in line and you were paying... DING! big red flag there!

what incentive does he have to grow up if you're willing to be stepped on like that?

i did read Red's response, and that's exactly how i'm treating my teens (a 16yo daughter who has been in college since age 11, and an 18 yo son who is currently in japan for a summer program... every penny of which he paid for himself). they both work and pitch in for their classes, they both choose their classes and set their own bedtimes, and they know that if they mess up, i'm not covering for them. if they get an F, it's their money that they're flushing (they don't get many bad grades, i can tell you!)

they also know very well what kind of money it takes to run this house, and while i'm not making them pay room and board (yet), they do consider carefully before asking for us to spend any further resources on them... if we cough up another $100 for books, then we all lose out on something that month (no movies or eating out, or new clothes or shoes, or something like that).

they both have checking accounts that their paychecks go straight into. and they are both quite grateful (most of the time) for the privileges and freedoms they have... because they know what the consequences are when they mess up. and usually, those consequences are natural... i've never done anything like grounding them or setting a curfew.

good luck, mama.
post #53 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthpartner
And being just a little older then 19 as some of you are, in no way makes one an expert in parenting a 19 yr old. I remember thinking I knew much more then my parents at that age.
It may be a wrong assumption that everyone that feels there should be no curfew at 19 also feels okay with handing out booze to 19 yr olds. From the responses I received on this board and the way my son explains his friends parents views--lets just say there is a strong similarity.
I have worked through things and appreciate the responses of some of the people on this board, but I must say, I am quite surprised to have received some of the responses on this thread from a MDC board. Perhaps next time, I will look for support from a different source. I never expected to open up such a can of worms!
even the ppl with kids your ds' age are saying the parent differently, did you see what DrJen and Red are saying?


On alcohol the more super strict you are on alcohol the more risk that your child will do what you son is doing, go out and get drunk.
I've been there, my goddaughter is there and my baby cousin's are there also, of the 3 of these young ladies the ONLY one who gets drunk is the one with the mother who was super strict and never allowed her a taste, while the others were raised like I was, we have never gotten drunk and done dumb crap, because drinking was not some thing that was a huge deal.. as wait until you are 21 and then go drink 21 shots and puke your life up.
Seriously I may not be that far in your eyes from your son, that is no reason to not listen to my view.

yes I will let my son when he's older have a drink, because I saw my step bro turn 21 and let loose and almost kill himself drinking because his mother would never teach him what my mom did me, I don't care about being the cool mother, I care that my son will NEVER be that kid that crashes his car with 4 other ppl and ends up in jail because he was drinking, I've seen soo many american teens on the senior trip come to the caribbean and make bad mistakes that can follow them the rest of their lives, in a haze of rum and vodka.

Anyway I still think that he's going to tell you what you want and do what he wants, think about it like this, you told him not to drink, he drank, why? cause his friends did, now those same friends don't have to ask mommy's permission to go out, or run home before the party has even started to pick up, come on he's 19, if he was to explain why he's leaving, he'll stay just to stick it to you.
post #54 of 66
Thread Starter 
I don't have a problem with him having a beer or two in our home, but I will not offer it to or allow his friends to consume alcohol in my home. I don't think his friends parents should allow it either. I don't buy into the theory that says they will find it somewhere else and I'd rather have them do it in my home and take the keys away. No, I don't agree with that. He doesn't want to drink in our house because he's not with his friends, but he is able to if he wants to.
Again, if he doesn't like to live with what is agreed upon then he has a choice to move out and take all that comes with it--the fun and the expenses and all the freedom he wants. So far things are going well since our last chat.
post #55 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthpartner
(First of all there is a big difference between girls and boys when it comes to what they do socially.
I'm not going to address the overprotectiveness issue. I'm also not going to get into the "you may change when your kids are older thing". My son may change, and I may experience some serious frustration, but no - I won't change. My viewpoints are rooted in my fundamental philosophy and lifestyle. That hasn't changed, just because ds1 doesn't always respond exactly the way I'd hoped.

However, the above quote made me laugh. The people I was having overnights with at 19 were named Dave, Mike, Troy & Brian. I was the only girl in the bunch. My dh has friends he used to hang out with and drink with (before he moved to Vancouver). His friends names were Mike, Gene, Brad & Steve...again - all male. They hung out from the time dh was 17 until he was 23, and yes - they drank. But, they drank while playing Sorry, Monopoly, and various other board games. Almost everyone I know played board games, card games, or both during their late teens and early 20's. That most definitely included the boys/men. I've also known lots of girls who who didn't play games, and did drink/drug to excess (whether on overnight visits or not). I'm sure there are some behaviours that are more or less prevalent among most males and/or females. But, the blanket generalization in your post doesn't apply to my group of friends when I was in my teens/20s (and we weren't exactly a well-behaved group, either). I suspect there are many, many people it doesn't apply to.
post #56 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride
I'm sure there are some behaviours that are more or less prevalent among most males and/or females. But, the blanket generalization in your post doesn't apply to my group of friends when I was in my teens/20s (and we weren't exactly a well-behaved group, either). I suspect there are many, many people it doesn't apply to.
That was you though. I'm sure there are probably just as many wild girls out there doing what the "boys" are doing. But there are some that are not. That's probably what that poster meant.

I was a wild teen too. A little too wild (sneaking out til 5am walking the streets, smoking pot, hitchiking, ditching school, etc). It's definitely NOT something I'm proud of or would boast about. And I'm sure you are right, some girls are just that way and not necessarily any better than the boys. BUT it also depends majorly on the crowd a person hangs with, whether male or female. I didn't exactly hang with the straight, prim and proper group of kids and the group was definitely a mixture of boys/girls (aren't most of them?).
post #57 of 66
It's so clear MDC can *never* really be a place where a free exchange of ideas or thoughts or weaknesses are exchanged.

It's so sad. People are so bent on being clever or 'right' and putting down those who might struggle.

True information can never be exchanged here. It's simply not a safe place.
post #58 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68
That was you though. I'm sure there are probably just as many wild girls out there doing what the "boys" are doing. But there are some that are not. That's probably what that poster meant.
Of course. But, there are also boys who aren't "doing what the boys are doing". Generalizations like that just get on my nerves. I don't like guys trying to stuff me into a pigeonhole of "feminine behaviour" and I don't like it any better from women.

Quote:
BUT it also depends majorly on the crowd a person hangs with, whether male or female. I didn't exactly hang with the straight, prim and proper group of kids and the group was definitely a mixture of boys/girls (aren't most of them?).
I disagree about it "depending" on the crowd. My grandmother was into that mindset - she thought I should get new friends, because of the way I was acting. But, I wanted to spend time with those friends, and behave that way, and I behaved that way even when my friends weren't available to hang out with. I observe who my son's friends are, and it tells me things about where his head is at. But, he chooses those friends, and if he's choosing the rowdier kids, I'm more concerned with finding out why than with blaming his "crowd" for his behaviour.
post #59 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthpartner
I'm at odds with my 19 yr old DS about limits while living under my roof. I don't want to be unreasonable, I was raised with limits and respect for my parents. My son expects to be able to live here and have all the freedom his little heart desires. If he wants to stay out all night for example he doesn't feel like he should have to ask us or give us any explainations. He feels as though he is being treated like a baby. He reminds me that he has never been in trouble with the law, so I should trust him. He does have a good level head, but he has done a few things in the past which I didn't like. He moved out for about 5 weeks a few months ago and was asking to come back at the end of the summer. We made an agreement for him to move back right away and sign up for summer term at his community college. He has not been doing well at college and I feel that some of the problem stems from his social life. The limits are in place to try to help and keep him respecting us. He feels strongly that he wants to move back out because he has no freedom. He is not being realistic, he won't make it financially on his own, as he quickly found out last time.
Does anyone have this situation? Am I being too strict or should there be a curfew. I had a 2 am curfew until he moved back in and then we bumped it back to midnight. The other night he stayed out all night when I told him he couldn't do that. I was ready to kick him out that next morning. I just allowed him to have a weekend at the beach with his friend, so its not like I'm not allowing him to have some freedom. His theory is that if he were in a dorm he could do whatever--to which I said, but you are not in a dorm, you are in our home. Am I old fashioned? I have 2 younger teens in the house and I want to set a good example.

Any advice would be appreciated

Mom to 19 DS, 16 DD and 13 DD and wife to DH
Maybe I'm being mean, but isn't there an old saying that says, "He who pays the piper, calls the tune"? In other words, *you* are paying for the house, the electricity, the gas, the water, etc. You get to set the rules.

If he's an adult, perhaps he should act like an adult and start paying rent? Just a thought.
post #60 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthpartner
I guess I should have included more background to the situation with my DS. We have had issues with him all through HS. He's a smart kid, but really didn't care about doing homework, studying etc unless he liked the class. We didn't know until after final exams if he would pass the 12th grade. So, he didn't choose not to go to a college with a dorm, he didn't earn the ability to choose it. Now with the community college, my arrangement with him was that we would pay for classes, but if he didn't get an A or B, he would have to pay us back. Never thought we would have to talk about withdrawals either, but he's had a couple of those. Books, we pay for, but he doesn't care to wait in the line to buy used ones--we are paying so he buys new ones. So needless to say his debt with us has grown and although he is working we don't seem to get paid as much as we should with each pay check. He does spend a lot on gas since his school is 35 miles away, but he also blows money on his smoking habbit and whatever he feels he has to have like new speakers for his car etc. The last time I showed him the door, it was after I found some pot in his room. This was just after I had to take him to the ER the morning after he went to a party and fell into a chair rail--due to him being on booze and pot. He claims he just does this on special occassions, but I'm sure those are not just Christmas and his birthday. He is smart in that he doesn't get into some of the other stuff that his circle of friends will get into including laughing gas.
He's smart enough to not drink and drive, so in that respect I don't worry. If he was not like this in the past, perhaps I would feel comfortable with allowing him to make a decision on what time to come home. I just know that he would abuse the right to do that. Last night, we had an open discussion about this which lasted about 5 minutes before he didn't hear what he wanted to hear, he started yelling and packed his stuff. He is making an issue about respect and the curfuew being one in the same. I asked him what respect he has for us--Fathers Day weekend we let him go to the beach with his friend and he didn't even call his Dad. I can't understand the concept of him being able to come and go as though this is an apartment, but still letting him have whatever he wants without a struggle. And if I allow that to happen he would suddenly be a great student and help around the house and whatever else he threw in there. Am I missing something here? He is taking 3 summer classes now--that was the agreement we made when he moved back in from last time. So far he has one ongoing math class which I think he's doing average in, one that he already failed and another that just started that he said we really hard--this translates into a warning that he will probably get a D or an F. I don't want to front him any more money for college at this point.
I love my DS and want to do the right thing, its just we have been through so much to this point that I don't want to make the wrong parenting choices anymore. I am crying just having recounted all of these situations and I didn't even touch on his past girlfriend situations--I'm sure you all can imagine where that went.
I would love any suggestions. He's probably going to show up this afternoon for the rest of his stuff. He is moving back in the apartment with his friend that got kick out of UNCW for drunk driving on campus. That kid will go back to his college in January and I don't know where my DS will go from there. He's already talking about taking off a semester to work full time.
I hope this helps to evaluate my unfortunite situation.
Thanks in advance!
I'm really sorry, but I honestly believe that part of the problem is that -- and I hate to use this over-used pop psych term -- you're "enabling" him to be a boy. You're allowing him to live rent-free without consequences, without actually having to take responsibility for his choices (e.g., paying for his "line laziness" by having to work extra hours to pay off his credit card bill). And why should he? You're subsidizing his laziness, his pot and tobacco smoking, and what I suspect is outright lying to you about how much he makes at work. Do you have him show you pay stubs?

I'm sorry, but I honestly think the very best decision you could make as a parent right now is to call his bluff. He's packing his bags? Good. Hold the door open for him. Continue to love him, but cut off the money. Don't pay. Seriously. He's an adult now...only he has had no reason to have to figure that out.

Just my opinion. I don't have a teenager, but I do teach seniors in high school, and I've seen kids like your son many, many times. Good kids, generally very sweet -- but their work is very poor and their parents make excuses for them. They blame other people for their failure because they're automatically not responsible for anything. I sincerely wish that some of the parents I've had would have had their kids experience genuine failure, failure they'd earned and deserved, but waaaay back in first grade. The stakes are smaller then and less important than they are when the kid's 19. Again, I'm not trying to sound harsh or mean, and I wish you both well.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › 19 yr old living at home--limits?