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19 yr old living at home--limits? - Page 4

post #61 of 66
Thread Starter 
Yes, I am guilty of this, but things are now changing--the buck $ stops here now. It seems like he is going to fail all three summer classes. Fall registration is in a week or so and I have already informed him that he needs to make whatever arrangements he needs to with the school or his job to pay for classes or take off a semester. If he takes off a semester I already informed him that rent would be charged. Last year I thought he would not graduate and that would have probably been a good life experience, but one teacher I think passed him when he shouldn't have--he had to come back and clean the classroom. As soon as he pays for the fall, I told him I would need to get paid back in a timely manner. I'm going to track paydays and have my hand out first. It is very hard to watch a child fail, so I can see why so many parents don't realize that they are adding to the problem by giving them an easy way out. Its happened for too long now and I'm on a new mission. If he complains again and wants to move out--the door will be wide open. It will be the third long overdue strike.
post #62 of 66
i am sad and happy to see that post Birthpartner.


It is a phase and he will get through it. Mine lasted about 3 years, stopped just shy of 23.



everything in life seems to come in phases, no matter how old we get.
post #63 of 66
It sounds to me as though taking some time off from school would be good for your son. If he is failing classes, then it seems like wasted time and money, plus a lot of frustration (on your part, anyway!) I moved out of my parents house the minute I turned 18 (I am 24 now) -- I think that he will be forced to learn some responsibility if he is given it. I am not proposing that you kick him out or shut the door forever, but if he wants to live as an independent adult, then that is what he needs to do. Getting a full-time (probably low-paying) job and being responsible for bills may encourage him to re-think the important of getting a college degree. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to exert some control over his life while he is in your house (though midnight seems a little early). I would let him know that you love him, and would never let him go hungry/homeless, but encourage him to "fly the nest" if that is what he needs to do. It seems that everyone would be happier if he had his own space, one that he could control.
post #64 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoeanne
It sounds to me as though taking some time off from school would be good for your son. If he is failing classes, then it seems like wasted time and money, plus a lot of frustration (on your part, anyway!) I moved out of my parents house the minute I turned 18 (I am 24 now) -- I think that he will be forced to learn some responsibility if he is given it. I am not proposing that you kick him out or shut the door forever, but if he wants to live as an independent adult, then that is what he needs to do. Getting a full-time (probably low-paying) job and being responsible for bills may encourage him to re-think the important of getting a college degree. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to exert some control over his life while he is in your house (though midnight seems a little early). I would let him know that you love him, and would never let him go hungry/homeless, but encourage him to "fly the nest" if that is what he needs to do. It seems that everyone would be happier if he had his own space, one that he could control.
I totally agree. There's nothing like $5.15 an hour to make business classes seem "relevant."
post #65 of 66
Just our plan....

Our teen dd will be 18 in Nov. She will be a senior in high school. After that, she is welcome to live at home for at least a few years. If she is attending college (her plan), she will also be expected to work and maintain a good GPA (esp. if we have to help pay for college, but she SHOULD qualify for some really good scholarships). If she is not attending college, or if she doesn't get the scholarships she would require, she will have to work, and also pay for as much of her college as she can. We feel that college is a privelige, and not everyone even needs it to be successful. We feel that if she wants it, she will do her part to make it happen. If she decides to not attend college, and wants to live here, she will have to pay rent. She may have a curfew, but it would only be because we have young children, hubby gets up early and needs his sleep, and we like to shut everything down at a certain time. If she chooses not to come home by shut down time, fine, but please have the decency to give us a quick call and let us know you are not coming home so that we don't worry about your safety.

Ultimately, it is our house, our rules. If she disagrees we can discuss it, and if we cannot come to a compromise, she is welcome to get an apartment.
post #66 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthpartner
Yes, I am guilty of this, but things are now changing--the buck $ stops here now. It seems like he is going to fail all three summer classes. Fall registration is in a week or so and I have already informed him that he needs to make whatever arrangements he needs to with the school or his job to pay for classes or take off a semester. If he takes off a semester I already informed him that rent would be charged. Last year I thought he would not graduate and that would have probably been a good life experience, but one teacher I think passed him when he shouldn't have--he had to come back and clean the classroom. As soon as he pays for the fall, I told him I would need to get paid back in a timely manner. I'm going to track paydays and have my hand out first. It is very hard to watch a child fail, so I can see why so many parents don't realize that they are adding to the problem by giving them an easy way out. Its happened for too long now and I'm on a new mission. If he complains again and wants to move out--the door will be wide open. It will be the third long overdue strike.
Although some here think they would never give a child the boot, it is our supreme job to raise healthy responsible, capable adults. Adults who can find a mate, if they so desire, have a family or not, and have healthy relationships.

Letting a child walk all over you doesn't teach them how to have a good relationship with other adults. (Yes, I know, some of you think YOUR child will never do hurtful, nasty things. Maybe you'll be lucky and they won't. But if they do, or if they are just taking advantage, giving them a free place to live while they float around with no goals, just makes it easy for them to learn the being irresponsible PAYS!

It's importatn that all children, soon after reaching the LAW desinated age of 18, get the message that they are going to be required to live up to certain standards. It may take tsome a bit longer, but BY LAW, the can go to jail for serious screw-ups, so the impotance of knowing how to behave is magnified.

Teaching your kids to have truthful, adult, relationships and the consequences of failing to do so, is just another part of the job. You wouldn't think of allowing a 2 yo to go out and frost-bite his fingers and toes because he didn't want to wear appropriate clothing. (you might let him try for a few minutes, but you wouldn't let them hurt themselves!). Why let an adult child think jobs and bills, and school arte just a joke?

Good for you, birthpartner. Let him know the rules will now be enforced, then do it.


And know you are teaching him to be the adult he'll someday want to be~!
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