Sahd?

[trini]

We were at a party the other night and dh told me that some guy told him that he had a "noble profession."

Me: What did you tell him you do???
DH: I'm a SAHD.
Me: No, you're not!
DH: I'm not???

I am a teacher and dh is home with ds while I'm at work. But dh works full-time outside of the home, too. Well, he also works a lot from home. But he leaves for work when I get home. If I worked a 2nd shift job and was home during the day, would I call myself a SAHM? I seriously doubt it.

Now, I don't know why it bothers me that he calls himself a SAHD. Don't get me wrong. He is a WONDERFUL father. He is great with ds - in many ways better than I am. But I don't understand why he says he is a SAHD.

Maybe I'm jealous because I'd really love to be a SAHM.
Maybe it irks me because if he were truly a SAHD maybe he would do a little more around the house.
Or maybe he would have more time for family in the evenings or on weekends.
I also think people are like "wow, you're a SAHD. How fabulous." I doubt most SAHMs get that reaction.

I was just wondering what other people think. Should he "get" to call himself a SAHD just because he is home with ds while I am working, even though he probably works more than 60 hours a week?

[CalebsMama05]

nope.

you dont get to call yourself a sahm.

and also when you get home from work you take care of your dc don't you? and i bet you end up with most of the housework and cooking.

[nonconformnmom]

I have a different take on it. I think it's wonderful that your dh tells other people that he is a SAHD. There is still a real stigma out there on men who stay at home with the kids during the day - it is often assumed that they can't hold a job, they have no ambition, they are living off their wife etc. The fact that your dh is secure enough to claim that role says a lot about his view on what is important and, I say for him!

What difference does it make that he goes to work after you get home. He was home with the kids during your entire work shift, right? Was he, alone, in charge of the kids during the time you were away at work? My husband is a SAHD. He takes care of the kids from 8-5 while I'm at work. Granted, when I get home I take over the majority of their care - does that make him NOT a SAHD then, because he was only in charge from 8-5?

BTW: I agree with you that saying "I'm a SAHD," gets much more of a positive reaction than saying "I'm a SAHM". I have that frustration, too. When my dh takes the girls to the grocery store, he gets all these comments about what a great father he is; nobody says I'm a great mother when I take my kids to the store!

[MamaBug]

Do you feel this way because if he says he stays at home it implies that he doesn't work. I think if he said, during the day I am a SAHD and I work at night then it would have been different. Though I think it is sweet that he is not afraid to say that is what he does.

[MommaCrystal]

So should moms who work all day and then take care of the kids all evening/night be called stay at home moms? Or what if they stay home all day but work all evening/night... is that a stay at home mom?

My hubby takes over almost all the child care when he comes home at 4pm after working all day. Does that make him a stay at home dad?

Just wondering.

But none of it really matters. We're all moms, or dads, we all do what has to be done and we all love our children with everything. Who cares what we are called.

[Yooper]

Well, I am not really sure about that. I catch myself saying I am a SAHM occasionally. I bartend so I work late nights. Dh works during the day and I go to work when he comes home. Most of my working hours is when dd is asleep. I have this dual-life in that I am at the park and grocery store during the day. I do all of the normal things a SAHM does. I clean the house. I make the dinner. I go tot he playdates. I take dd to gymnastics. But then I leave dinner for my family and go to work. I know I am not technically a SAHM, but I sure feel like one and might even let it slip out once in a while when it is easier than trying to explain our strange life. My dh is a neatfreak and will come home after work and sya the house is a mess. I am sure he thinks I do nothing. But the man does not know how to operate a washing machine, cannot cook toast, has no idea how to pay the bills, and would cry in the corner if given a grocery list so the fact is, I do things that are a mystery to him. There are no bon-bons and I do not even have a TV for any good soaps. I am on the move all day. when I am not attending to the house, I am raising a child. So sometimes the definitions get fuzzy. Maybe the context of the coverstaion was such that it was easier to explain his life with that statement.

[trini]

Originally Posted by CalebsMama05

and also when you get home from work you take care of your dc don't you? and i bet you end up with most of the housework and cooking.

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

I have a different take on it. I think it's wonderful that your dh tells other people that he is a SAHD. There is still a real stigma out there on men who stay at home with the kids during the day - it is often assumed that they can't hold a job, they have no ambition, they are living off their wife etc. The fact that your dh is secure enough to claim that role says a lot about his view on what is important and, I say for him!

What difference does it make that he goes to work after you get home. He was home with the kids during your entire work shift, right? Was he, alone, in charge of the kids during the time you were away at work? My husband is a SAHD. He takes care of the kids from 8-5 while I'm at work. Granted, when I get home I take over the majority of their care - does that make him NOT a SAHD then, because he was only in charge from 8-5?

I do agree that it is great that he identifies himself in that role. I think the difference with your dh is I assume that he does not go off to work when you get home, even if you take over the majority of the care of your dc. I guess it is because dh is rarely home when I am makes it hard for me to consider him a SAHD.

Originally Posted by MamaBug

Do you feel this way because if he says he stays at home it implies that he doesn't work. I think if he said, during the day I am a SAHD and I work at night then it would have been different. Though I think it is sweet that he is not afraid to say that is what he does.

Yes, I think it is more accurate to say "I stay at home with ds during the day and work in the evenings." SAHD has different implications.

Originally Posted by MamaCrystal

So should moms who work all day and then take care of the kids all evening/night be called stay at home moms? Or what if they stay home all day but work all evening/night... is that a stay at home mom?

My hubby takes over almost all the child care when he comes home at 4pm after working all day. Does that make him a stay at home dad?

Just wondering.

But none of it really matters. We're all moms, or dads, we all do what has to be done and we all love our children with everything. Who cares what we are called.

I think calling someone a SAHM or SAHD when they work outside the home completely changes the definition from how I believe most people think of those terms.

No, it doesn't REALLY matter what we are called. I just posted about it, though, because it was bothering me on some level.

Originally Posted by Yooper

Well, I am not really sure about that. I catch myself saying I am a SAHM occasionally. I bartend so I work late nights. Dh works during the day and I go to work when he comes home. Most of my working hours is when dd is asleep. I have this dual-life in that I am at the park and grocery store during the day. I do all of the normal things a SAHM does. I clean the house. I make the dinner. I go tot he playdates. I take dd to gymnastics. But then I leave dinner for my family and go to work. I know I am not technically a SAHM, but I sure feel like one and might even let it slip out once in a while when it is easier than trying to explain our strange life. My dh is a neatfreak and will come home after work and sya the house is a mess. I am sure he thinks I do nothing. But the man does not know how to operate a washing machine, cannot cook toast, has no idea how to pay the bills, and would cry in the corner if given a grocery list so the fact is, I do things that are a mystery to him. There are no bon-bons and I do not even have a TV for any good soaps. I am on the move all day. when I am not attending to the house, I am raising a child. So sometimes the definitions get fuzzy. Maybe the context of the coverstaion was such that it was easier to explain his life with that statement.

Your situation is a bit different. And you understand the term the way I do. Also, you say "SAHM" because it is easier than trying to explain sometimes. DH really thinks he is a SAHD. I guess it is all about definitions. I think if dh worked PART TIME and mostly when ds was sleeping, I'd cut him a lot more slack about this! Your situation must be difficult because you do maintain the household, primarily parent your child, yet still get nights without sleep because you are out working!


This has become an interesting conversation!

[Brigianna]

I think that most people, for some reason, think that the job you do during the day is your "real" job and a job you do on evenings/ weekends is "extra," even if you spend more hours on your non-daytime job. So because sahd is what he does during the day, that is (in many people's minds) his "real" job and he just happens to have another job that he does, and your "real" job is as a teacher and you just happen to take care of your children on your off-hours. It's bizzare, but it's how many people think.

[trini]

Originally Posted by Brigianna

I think that most people, for some reason, think that the job you do during the day is your "real" job and a job you do on evenings/ weekends is "extra," even if you spend more hours on your non-daytime job. So because sahd is what he does during the day, that is (in many people's minds) his "real" job and he just happens to have another job that he does, and your "real" job is as a teacher and you just happen to take care of your children on your off-hours. It's bizzare, but it's how many people think.

That is an interesting perspective that I haven't considered.

[onlyzombiecat]

I'd call you and your dh both working and sharing child care responsibilites split-shift parents. I think a SAHP situation is usually understood to be where one parent is working outside the home full time and is the primary financial provider while the other parent cares for the children/home.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stay_at_home_dad

My dh has worked night shifts several times and everyone we knew considered that his "real" job.

[srain]

Originally Posted by Brigianna

I think that most people, for some reason, think that the job you do during the day is your "real" job and a job you do on evenings/ weekends is "extra," even if you spend more hours on your non-daytime job. .... It's bizzare, but it's how many people think.

I think you're right. Also, being home with the kids during daytime hours has a very different dynamic than being home in the evening, IMO. In my town, anytime you leave the house with the kids during the day, you enter land-of-mostly-SAHPs. That makes a difference too.

No, I don't think your husband is a SAHP any more than I was when I worked full-time and was alone with my son while my husband worked part-time in the evening, but Brigianna's point is a good one!