Help son's friend is having negative effect on him (kids parents are divorcing)

[Shiloh]

Okay I need some help, ds has a friend that is well 'negative' its a constant I won't be your friend, I hate you, you are a looser type speech..
this kids parents are going through a nasty divorce and I want to tell the mom that this isn't typical kid speech (some yes not all the time, not all the tears, drama etc) I think her parent's conflicts are influcing her, how do you get that accross tactfully to the mom and how do I help my ds (4) process the crazy behavior?

[CerridwenLorelei]

you might xpost at the single parenting board

since those mamas have been through this and might have some good insights

[Shiloh]

I know to be sensitive (I am child of divorce) I think I am looking for what would be the appropriate way to let her know that her child is overly angry and its not really 'normal'...

[CalebsMama05]

you might gently inquire if her dc has had any counseling. mention that her dc might need someone to talk to and some help to process what is happening.

is the child the same age as your son?

[NiteNicole]

She probably already knows that her divorce is having a negative impact on her child, I'm not sure hearing it from someone else (when she already feels bad enough) is going to help. It's a hard time for everyone and I think even if you do everything "right" the children are still going to have some negative reactions to their parents splitting up. It's part of the process.

If you're ever together at the same time and this happens, you might show her some sympathy and ask if she and her child (or children, if she has others) are seeing someone "just because it might help for everyone to have someone neutral to vent to" that might be very helpful.

Divorce is such a complicated and difficult thing, you have to be so very very careful in how you approach a mom who is already hurting.

It just seems that no matter how carefully you phrase it, "Your divorce is making your child angry" is probably going to seem a lot like an accusation or stating the painfully obvious.

ETA - part of my post was eaten! Anyway, somewhere in there I mentioned that if she talks about her divorce with you you can mention how great it would have been to have a neutral third party to talk to when your parents divorced. My parents divorced as well and it can be really hard to talk to your mom and dad when they have their own stuff going on and they are so emotionally invested AND you don't want to let them down.

[Shiloh]

She probably already knows that her divorce is having a negative impact on her child, I'm not sure hearing it from someone else (when she already feels bad enough) is going to help.

well that might be the typical assumption but she feels its not her but her ex and she has advanced degrees in a subject that well should give her that knowledge.

If you're ever together at the same time and this happens, you might show her some sympathy and ask if she and her child (or children, if she has others) are seeing someone "just because it might help for everyone to have someone neutral to vent to" that might be very helpful.

thats part of the issue she has no boundaries for venting to anyone, infront of her child etc...

Divorce is such a complicated and difficult thing, you have to be so very very careful in how you approach a mom who is already hurting.

see without going into assumptions mama is not hurting she is celebrating (the other partner is hurting) she is almost victorious in her freedom....

It just seems that no matter how carefully you phrase it, "Your divorce is making your child angry" is probably going to seem a lot like an accusation or stating the painfully obvious.

actually I am not sure its the divorce or lack of protecting the child from confusing adult stories/language about people the child loves.

counselling would be good for the child but she's a bit young for that (just three), she really needs level headed parents now. She will listen to me as I have been counselling her on her lack of empathy for her partner's sense of loss, and what she needs to do to atonet here for letting her ex down hard (real hard) but what could I say that would be concise enough to sum it up.
I have given her books about angry children but could there be a snappy response? I have tried the if you speak badly about your ex you will confuse the child the child loves both of you so she will wonder if that love is founded and could disrespect one partner over the other.....

and part of the problem is she doesn't see the loss for her child either she thinks its all happy and as you can imagine its really not as that little kid is angry at them for sure and taking it out on my ds! He's a good sport but....
she has to nip this in the bud or it will continue to become part of this little girls personality not a blip in the road.

[mata]

we experienced something very similar. I'm not close with the mother, so instead of getting into her personal matters I limited my daughter's contact with the other child as much as I could, and gave dd tools about how to systematically handle that sort of behavior (that she didn't have to tolerate it.) Eventually the child moved on and left her alone.

[Shiloh]

I offered to babysit today then had them over for dinner so I was with her dd all day long we had some great insights and I laid down the rules - no negative language, no bossy language (to both of them and it went well as they knew I meant business! I also was able to point out to the mother that the kid needs a speech pathology work up as she's really really mixing up consonant sounds like for Three not Free, Tree etc but beep, peep she really listend and the kid was amazing by herself and the mom was less stressed and even when she showed up the child didn't revert back to the whining and negative speaking. Maybe its not just the divorce but a combination of the frustrations of not being understood and a mother who is too busy to clue into the fact she's a sweet little girl that tells you what you want to hear then does what she wants