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Vent about siblings inlaws coming up with expensive group gifts (long)  

post #1 of 14
6/27/06 at 9:49am
Thread Starter 
We make an okay living, but with 4 (soon to be 5) people living on 1 income in the very expensive DC metro area we have about $350 per month leftover after our set expenses for pet care, kids activities, gifts, oil changes, spending, etc. My dh is one of 5 kids. Only one other couple has kids and she is a 3 month old. My oldest SIL actually lives with my FIL to "care" for him, but it is really because she doesn't want to pay rent, utilities, etc.

So Sunday is my FILs 80th Birthday. We have a decent relationship with him, but aren't close. My MIL & FIL were never really into their kids (he never once had a birthday party, there are no pictures of him, they never visited him at college --- not even to bring him there or attend his graduation) The only good thing my MIL really ever said about dh was - he was such an easy kid - I hardly even remember him being around he took care of himself so well As such, we try to involve FIL (MIL is in a nursing home and is no longer verbal) in our boys lives, but haven't felt the need to make phony shows of closeness.

So my SIL sends us all an email on Sunday saying that she is throwing him a party on Saturday and is going to book a trip to Atlanta for him to see our new niece and could we all chip in for the $400 ticket she found. I checked Expedia and sent back an email saying I found nonstop fares for $250. Today my bil in Atlanta sends out an email saying they could get a good deal with their frequent flyer miles so they will just pay for the trip to Atlanta and why don't the rest of us split a trip (airfare & land) to the Grand Canyon four ways since he has always wanted to go there. We don't have that kind of money!!! We will have to go into savings and it just seems insane when FIL doesn't even bother to buy dh a card on his birthday and rarely even buys Christmas presents for any of the kids. I know I sound small, but I just can't believe they are doing this to us. DH and I had saved money over the past 3 years so we can take a trip for our 10 year anniversary this fall and now we can't go :

Not to mention that my FIL isn't even is good enough shape to go to the Grand Canyon - he is about 150 pounds overweight and an 80 year old who has never exercised a moment in his adult life!!!

Sorry this is so long, thank you if you are still reading this.

BJ
Barney & Ben
post #2 of 14
6/27/06 at 9:53am
You say "sorry, but the budget doesn't run to 1/4 of that trip. We can chip in $x, where shall I send it?" or "sorry, but the budget doesn't run to 1/4 of that trip, so we will bow out and get our own gift."

You do NOT give up your own anniversary vacation for this.
post #3 of 14
6/27/06 at 10:56am
: I have to agree wholeheartedly!!! Stand up for yourselves and get your own gift.
post #4 of 14
6/27/06 at 10:56am
:
post #5 of 14
6/27/06 at 11:20am
NO KIDDING!!!! Please do NOT give up your hard earned trip just to meet other ppls expectations.

If you and your dh give up your trip you will always regret it and it will cause feelings of resentment and bitterness.

How does your dh feel about the situation? Is he willing to back out of the arranged gift and get your own?
post #6 of 14
6/27/06 at 11:34am
I agree with everyone else. No need to plead poverty -- just say your budget doesn't allow it.

Definitely don't give up your own anniversary trip for this, that's ridiculous! If your wealthier in-laws want to pay for the trip, that's their own business.

As an aside, there's no reason why someone who's 150 pounds overweight and 80 years old couldn't enjoy the grand canyon. There are nice overlooks that don't require more than a few minutes' stroll from one's car to see them. Many are even wheelchair-accessible! The same is true of many of the other national parks out in that general vicinity, such as Bryce Canyon, Cedar Breaks National Monument, and Arches National Park.
post #7 of 14
6/27/06 at 12:23pm
tell them, "Sorry but we've already arranged another gift and we don't have money for both."
post #8 of 14
6/27/06 at 1:07pm
I'm going to say that it is your dh job to tell them your family can't make it work. You dont need to be the bad guy here...its his family.
I wouldn't even consider it if it is a harship for your family!
post #9 of 14
6/27/06 at 2:32pm
My family does this all the time. They are constantly trying to trap us into expensive "shared" gifts and no-children-allowed vacations to hella-expensive resorts. They also constantly invite us to dinner at places we can't afford to eat at and then try to make us feel guilty with, "But your SISTER is visiting!" Yep, and just because she's visiting doesn't mean $80 for dinner was gifted to me by the "Your-sister-is-visiting" fairy.

You have gotten good advice here. Either "We cannot afford 1/4 the trip but here is what we can contribute" or "We cannot afford 1/4 the trip so we will arrange for our own gift" are prefectly acceptable.

Namaste!
post #10 of 14
6/27/06 at 6:45pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks everybody. DH actually did send everyone a response email saying that he doesn't think that his dad is up to nor would he accept a trip to the Grand Canyon and that we should return to our original generous offer to fly him to Atlanta to see his new grand child and offer up whatever personal gifts we may each want to. One of his sisters quickly wrote that she agreed and then one of the brother's wives also said she didn't think it made sense so that seems to be the way it is going. :

Skeuppers - I am sure you are right about his weight/age not making it impossible to go to the Grand Canyon, but he is just not physically up to taking this trip (especially alone). We live in a split foyer 10 minutes from his house and he doesn't come here because he can't climb up 6 stairs. We invited him to DS1's t-ball games this spring and he didn't come because it would be too hot and too difficult to try to sit in and get out of a lawnchair. The only chair he sits in is a lazyboy with a lift and he no longer uses his bed because he can't get in and out of it --- he is in TERRIBLE shape. I doubt he could drive himself from the airport to the Grand Canyon nor would he do a charter bus. So though some folks who are older/out of shape could do it - I actually think it might kill him.

Thanks again for listening to my crazy vent ladies!
BJ
Barney & Ben
post #11 of 14
6/27/06 at 6:58pm
Oh, holy cow, they intended for him to go alone??? I was thinking it was a family trip. But even so, I'm glad your DH stepped up, and that the others agreed with him. Whew!
post #12 of 14
6/28/06 at 9:21am
I'm glad you got it taken care of...but who would have wanted to go alone anyways?
post #13 of 14
6/28/06 at 9:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy

You do NOT give up your own anniversary vacation for this.


LISTEN to this woman!!!!!!!!!!!
post #14 of 14
6/28/06 at 8:43pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy
You say "sorry, but the budget doesn't run to 1/4 of that trip. We can chip in $x, where shall I send it?" or "sorry, but the budget doesn't run to 1/4 of that trip, so we will bow out and get our own gift."

You do NOT give up your own anniversary vacation for this.
I whole-heartedly second this!
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