Why would children NOT have stranger anxiety?

[myhoneyswife]

Okay, I know that some kids are just social little creatures, but I was explaining the other day to DH that our baby will likely be clingy, and I'd imagine it would extend into early childhood as well. My toddler neice was over the other weekend and she's totally not clingy, which surprised me. Sure it was nice for her mom (who got to nap) and me (who got to play!) but I'm certainly not expecting it with our own kids.

I think of it this way... when they're tiny, they're used to being held by mom and dad, that works for them and is normal. If *I* was a 10 pound person being wisked around by a total stranger 20 times my size and held 4-5 feet up in the air, do you think I'd like it? Likely not...

Same with young children, mom and dad normally feed them, clothe them, take care of them, love them... how on earth are they supposed to know that Grandma or Aunt Suzy or whoever only sees them every so often would do the same? How is it not normal for the kids to want to stay with mom or dad? I don't understand the push I see for them to go to virtual strangers...

I am fairly certain that my kids will be clingy. I'll be a SAHM, we do all our errands one day a week, live 1-1/2 hours from any baby gym classes/play group so they aren't happening, etc. I don't think this is a bad thing! I'm just awaiting the comments from family and such, though, I'm sure they'll happen...

My ramblings...

Cara

[punkinsmommy]

Like you, I would have thought that my kids would have been clingy as well. But, they aren't. They've never been in daycare. They're always with me or dh. We co-sleep, I carry ds2 in a sling alot, etc. But for the most part all 3 of my kids are personable and like going with other people.

I was watching the other day while I was at DD's last day of kindergarten. Another mom and dad were there with a classmate of DD's and her younger brother. I know these parents, and they are as far from being AP as you can get (spanking is the best discipline, breastfeeding is weird, co-sleeping is wrong, etc). All 3 of my kids ran off onto the playground without any hesitation. However, these Anti-AP parents kids stuck to them like glue and were terrified to leave them. If another adult looked at them they burried their heads.

My guess is that my kids know I'm always going to be there, so they don't worry about going with other people or heading off to the first day of school (my 2 oldest were some of the only kids who didn't cry their first day).

[Yooper]

I dunno. My dd will go to and with ANY female stranger and was very comfortable with pass-the-baby as an infant. With males, she gets apprehensive about really tall/large/hairy males and usually sticks to the ones she knows. I feel she has a healthy AP relationship with both me and dh. I was a SAHM for over 2 years and now work part-time opposite dh so she is never in daycare. She just REALLY likes people. She thinks they are neat. Rarely has anyone been mean to her and she has the sort of personailty that can melt the most anti-child heart. She has never been very clingy. Clingy can be VERY good. Dd will wander off no matter where we are. While it is hard soemtimes, it is also great that she will play and interact with her relatives thats he only sees about once a year. We are with her so I am not worried anything will happen. But seeing my 90 yo grandfather's eyes light up in a way I have not seen in decades when dd crawled up in his lap to play was priceless. Being an introvert myself, I marvel to watch her as I could never do as she does.

[4evermom]

Kids just come how they come in this department. Of course, you can make their natural temperament worse by trying to force them to go to relative strangers when they are the more reserved types. 2 of my neices (different families) will approach complete strangers to talk or climb on laps. My ds wouldn't let anyone but me or dh hold him and still won't go places w/o me at almost age 5. Most kids are somewhere in between these two extremes. (My neices and ds were all APed, other neices in those families are a little more reserved).

[maya44]

I agree its how you are born.

Some kids just are born "extroverts". One of my dd's went through maybe 2 days of stanger anxiety and the poof, she just wasn't. She would go to anyone. I had to be more concious with her that she was aware of what was safe and what wasn't.

but there is no more something "wrong" with a child born an extorvert, than one born an introvert.

[mummy marja]

I totally agree it's all about the child's temperament. I think APing or not APing can influence it to a degree, but it's something that's there from the beginning. Both of mine are pretty clingy at different times, and my non-AP friends think it's because I spoil them by being there for them all the time. :

[Nora'sMama]

Temperament, which kids are born with, is way more predictive of "clinginess" or not than the style in which the kids are parented. Also, kids go through a lot of phases. Nora has always been a very independent, non-stranger-anxious baby. However recently she is going through a phase where she only wants mommy and not even daddy will do. This doesn't mean she's clingy, or especially well-attached to me (she spends almost as much time with and is equally attached to her dad) - it's a normal developmental stage, but I'm sure there are some kids for whom it's barely noticeable because they are just so outgoing. And other kids who are "mommycentric" for a long time. Both are normal ends of the spectrum.

You can't tell if a child is securely attached just because they are "clingy" or not. It's more complicated than that. Google "strange situation" to learn about a classic experiment in attachment research.

ETA - regarding comments from people - you just have to let it be water off a duck's back. My mom thought Nora was "high needs" when she was 4 months old and now comments all the time about how social and independent she is. People forget about the normal developmental stages all babies go through as well as the variation between babies. I actually like people's comments because they give me an opportunity to talk about Nora. If the person keeps harping on something (like my grandma who was so worried about co-sleeping) I just nod and smile and don't try to get into an argument about it.

[Oka-san]

Yes on the “it’s the way they’re born” comments – DD is 10 months and she has never, ever shown the slightest tendency towards stranger anxiety. She’s never freaked out when someone wants to hold her, whether she knows them or not. She just loves people no matter who they are and that’s that. She’s never been the least bit clingy with either DH or I. It’s wonderful!

She’s pretty much an AP kid, we BF and wear her and co-sleep and all that. I do take her to the day care center at my health club for two hours almost every weekday, and have been doing so since she was about 3 months old. She LOVES it there. Sometimes I wonder if starting her there relatively early had anything to do with it; from an early age she got used to the fact that pretty much everyone is fun to hang out with, even without Mama around?

Some kids just don’t cling or have stranger anxiety.

[myhoneyswife]

Yeah.

I just think it's silly that some people will think I should force my child to separate from me (and I used to think this way) so that they're not clingy. Who cares? It's not bad or good, just different! I'm not planning on changing my parenting style to produce clingy or not clingy kids... I'll parent how it works for us and that's how it will be. FWIW, my neice isn't AP'd, so I suppose the argument could go either way.

I guess it's just a silly hangup people have, 'don't do this' or 'do this and she wouldn't have so much stranger anxiety'. I don't know... I seriously doubt that we'll ever leave our kids with anyone outside of an emergency, so I don't think it matters much. Certainly not as much as people seem to put emphesis on it...


Cara

[BusyMommy]

Neither of my boys have had it. They're both very confident, bold, active kids and we do millions of indoor/outdoor activities together. Just one of those stages and personality things some have & some don't.

[~member~]

ITA that people are born introverted or extroverted or in-between.
I do think that some parenting choices can harm a child's nature. Ie-forcing an introvert to leave w/strangers or even non-strangers, taking them out of their comfort zone, keeping an extrovert inside all the time and not letting them spend time w/others.

My oldest dd is totally a social butterfly. I have learned that she needs to be able to interact with human beings EVERY day, she literally goes : if she hasn't visited/played with another person.
Meanwhile, I have one dd that is totally introverted and will freak if I try to leave the room, even if it's to go to the bathroom. She needs a longer transition time and be told that she is safe/fine with me out of her sight. I try really hard not to put her in daycare if I have to work, and am worried about her when it's time for her to start school. She is always the 'odd-one-out', kwim? And, that is not 'bad', just different. As her parent I have learned that she needs to at least see me or her dad or her brother, so, she will need to go to school w/brother.
I am happy that I can 'see' that and I am in a place that offers a school that she can attend w/her brother so that she isn't being 'forced' or feel terrible about being alone....I hope that makes sense. I am getting tired and ready for a nap!

[mom*of*6]

I have been a stay at home mom for 18 years. Only 1 of our kids has been clingy. I dont really think being a SAHM has anything to do with that. To me that is more of a personality trait. My good friend has a little girl and she goes to day care, etc and she is VERY clingy. So you just never know.

[kdmama33]

I have to agree that it is more nature than nuture when it comes to how outgoing children are. My middle child (5yo DS) has never, ever met a stranger. He never had a single moment of stranger anxiety, even as a babe -- he loved to be held by different people, loved charming anyone and everyone he came into contact with. On the way to his first day of pre-school, he asked me a few times if I'd stay with him when we got there, and I reassured him that I would stay for awhile. We were there about thirty seconds when he gave me a kiss and told me goodbye. His pre-school teacher calls him "The Greeter" because he enthusiastically greets all of the other kids as they arrive (even with hugs and kisses, if they want ).

My oldest and youngest children (13yo DS and 2.5yo DD) are a bit different, though. They each went through that clingy, mama-only phase from about 8 months or so thru about 15 months. Since that age, they've both been more outgoing, but they still need time to warm up to people, and some people they never warm up to, unlike their brother. They were all raised by the same parents, with the same parenting styles, in the same environment. I think it's just the way each of them is hardwired, iykwim.

[Rivka5]

Originally Posted by myhoneyswife

Okay, I know that some kids are just social little creatures, but I was explaining the other day to DH that our baby will likely be clingy, and I'd imagine it would extend into early childhood as well. My toddler neice was over the other weekend and she's totally not clingy, which surprised me. Sure it was nice for her mom (who got to nap) and me (who got to play!) but I'm certainly not expecting it with our own kids. [...]

I am fairly certain that my kids will be clingy.

One thing to keep in mind is that even very young babies look to mama for cues about how to behave in a new situation. If a new person comes up and you smile and have relaxed body language, your child is more likely to approach that person comfortably. If you react by pulling your child close and expecting her to be uncomfortable, your tension will communicate itself to your child and she will be tense/afraid too. So you might be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy with your certainty that your baby will not be comfortable with others.

I get a little bit of a sense, from your post, that you think that clinginess is a sign of attachment. Although temperament plays an important part in how outgoing a child is, and pretty much all children go through phases of stranger anxiety, persistent clinginess (not just a shy personality) is more likely to be a sign of anxious attachment than secure attachment. The original definition of secure attachment was that the child felt so confident that she would be protected, and her needs taken care of, that she could move out and explore - trusting that mama (and papa) would be there when she got back.

You ask why a child who trusts that mama and papa will take care of her would also trust Random Relative X. In that, I think you're speaking from an adult perspective that is very aware of the possibility that bad things can happen. I know that my daughter (14 months old) literally has no idea that there might be people in the world who don't love her or wouldn't be good to her. Sure, her father and I are the special-est - but she's eager to interact with pretty much everyone she meets.

[BusyMommy]

I know that my daughter (14 months old) literally has no idea that there might be people in the world who don't love her or wouldn't be good to her. Sure, her father and I are the special-est - but she's eager to interact with pretty much everyone she meets.

My kids seem to believe that God created Moms from a single mold; ie. if your shoe needs tying, why then just walk up to a Mom looking creature & VOILA she'll tie your shoe!

[~member~]

Originally Posted by BusyMommy

My kids seem to believe that God created Moms from a single mold; ie. if your shoe needs tying, why then just walk up to a Mom looking creature & VOILA she'll tie your shoe!

I have a couple of those kind of kids! Also, I am the type of person that if your child asked me to tie their shoe, I would, without even thinking about it.

[BusyMommy]

Kids are a kick.

I coach running and today my 3 y.o. was standing in the back of the car (gate up) and found a can of mosquito spray. (His babysitter's always 10 mins late to practice.) I counted at least 6 moms running over to him to cluck and discuss the situation w/him. ANd, of course he listened b/c they're all MOMS.

[myhoneyswife]

Originally Posted by Rivka5

I get a little bit of a sense, from your post, that you think that clinginess is a sign of attachment.

Nope. Not really... I just more was pointing out that either can be normal, and sort of trying to think through why the mainstream openion that kids need to get over their clinginess (by leaving them screaming with near strangers) is off. I've seen very attached open sociable kids

And about baby picking up on mommy's stranger anxiety, that totally makes sense also. And likely my babe will pick up on some of that... I'm a shy person by nature and I tend to tense up a little bit in social situations. I guess I'll try to keep that in mind, but don't know how much I'll be changing...

Cara

[proudmamanow]

interesting thread. Dd (14 months) who has BF, coslept, been slung etc. from day 1 and has only been left with someone other than dw or I on about 3 occasions (all dire necessities) is EXTREEEEEEEEEMELY anxious/introverted etc. Has been from about 6months and is just now starting to get over it. But bring her near a large, hairy man (or an orangutan as we discovered on a recent visit to the zoo) and watch out. And for strangers in general she won't talk, make eye contact for a while until she's sure about them. Totally temperament as far as I can tell. The challenge for us is to respect who she is & support her and make her feel comfortable and not let some stigma develop around her being shy.

[Sharlla]

Neither of my boys have trouble with strangers. DS2 walked up to this lady a couple months ago and started hugging her leg, then when she picked him up (this was at a kids bday party) he wrapped his little arms around her neck, it was soooooo cute. I would have figured that both kids wouldn't be that way because they have never been left alone with strangers ie mom or day always with them, but if I were to leave them at daycare tomorrow. they would both do great (I'd expect the older one would anyway)