Silencing my inner sexist

[Heavenly]

I have always wanted to raise my son and daughters equally, to not bestow upon them preconceived ideas of how boys or girls should behave. My son is a confidant little 5.5 year old who has decided he wants to take ballet. All of a sudden this inner sexist in me that I didn't even know existed is rearing its ugly head. Of course I'm going to let him, that's not an issue, but I am finding a part of me is thinking, "Oh no he'll get teased, he'll be the only boy and he'll feel stupid, etc, etc." My daughter will be attending the Preschool program at the same school which is a serious dance school. He will be in the pre-primary class which does ballet and jazz and then they decide what they would like to specialize in the following year (ballet, jazz, tap or more than one of those). My son thinks he will want to continue with the ballet and also tap but he's leaving his options open. So how do I make my inner sexist shut up? Heaven forbid I let that show to him! I would kick myself if I made him doubt himself like that. And how do I silence other peoples doubts and comments when in the back of my mind they are shouting out to me too?

[deleria]

I think just the fact that you're aware of your pre-programmed views and know that they're wrong is outstanding. I'm the mama of two boys and expecting my third. I've sensed my inner sexist rear her ugly head several times and it's been a challenge to shut her up and support my sons. And I mean a CHALLENGE! And I consider myself very open-minded. Still, it's what we're raised with, either at home or through society as a whole, or both.

Raising boys is HARD. We're not guys. We don't get it. Many of us only see the tough outer shell that men in our society frequently put up around themselves as a result of how they're expected to be. It's no wonder that mamas of boys often worry about some of the more stereotypically female things our sons want to experience. Boys do tease other boys and it's painful to watch when it's your child being teased. My friend's son is 5 1/2 and asks why he can't be a girl. He says he feels like a girl and is upset that he's a boy. Thankfully he has the most supportive and open-minded mama going.

Don't worry too much about it. You rock! Do you know how many mothers would deny their sons the experience of ballet? I bet once you see how much he enjoys it - whether short or longterm - those old gender tapes will be silenced. Please let us know how he does!

[boongirl]

I wonder where this feeling comes from, the idea that dance is for women and not for men? Men have always been a part of the theater. In Ancient Greece and in Shakespeare's time, women were not allowed on stage. Men have started the most famous ballet and dance companies in the world and have become cultural icons. Here is just a short list of some very manly men who have made their mark in dance in the 20th centuries. Several are still alive and dancing today.


Mikhail Baryshnikov
Savion Glover
Gregory Hines
Mark Morris
Alvin Ailey
Bob Fosse

Dance is a lot like gymnastics in that male dancers have to be very strong to lift and jump. Baryshnikov is/was amazing at that. It is hard for some people to understand that a man can be strong and not play football. And, it is hard for a mother, I can imagine, to see her son partake in an activity that is known to induce teasing. But, it is also known that boys can withstand this teasing, that their self esteem can be high enough to ignore the comments, which will stop when the perpetrators realize that they are getting nowhere with them. And, your son will make friends in the dance scene and he will feel a sense of belonging. That is really what matters - that he is happy, enjoys what he is doing, makes friends at it, and is good at it. He will be fine. He will perservere. And, you never know. Maybe he will be seen as cool! He could do pirouettes on the playground and amaze the kids.

[Alkenny]

Just realizing that you have these feelings is a start. I can understand how you feel, and I don't think it's so much sexist but that you know OTHER people are sexist and he could be teased...it's more instinctual to protect him from that teasing than to 'break the norm'. Does that make sense?

[4Marmalade]

My ds is 3-1/2 and the other day he came up to me almost crying saying he didn't want to grow up. I asked him why and this is what he said:

"I don't want to grow up and be a boy anymore. I want to be a girl because I want to be a ballerina"

We discussed it some more and I found out that when he was playing with a friend she told him that he couldn't be a ballerina because he was a boy and boys can't do ballet. Hopefully, I reinforced to ds that this is not the case. I told him he could do whatever he wanted and there were lots of boys who liked to dance (including ballet). I just felt so bad for him hearing that from a friend.

I like to think I would also allow him to take ballet lessons if he really wanted to but I know what you mean about having to silence the inner sexist (or worry about the sexism of others). Like pp's have said, I think if you are aware of it it will make things much easier.

[No2Circ]

Some football players take ballet to get stronger. This exercise will help him in a lot of ways.


I think it's easier for girls to break out of stereotypical norms.......they can wear jeans and play traditional "boy" sports, and no one thinks anything about it. It's much, much harder for a boy to break out of stereotypical norms.

[NiteNicole]

All of a sudden this inner sexist in me that I didn't even know existed is rearing its ugly head. Of course I'm going to let him, that's not an issue, but I am finding a part of me is thinking, "Oh no he'll get teased, he'll be the only boy and he'll feel stupid, etc, etc."

That's not you being sexist, that's you being aware of reality. He MIGHT get teased, he MIGHT be the only boy and he MIGHT feel silly. It's ok to admit those things. Even better if you start kind of preparing your strategy.

[UptownZoo]

I hear you sooo loud and clear! My two eldest are a boy and a girl, too, and I made the same decision before their births that you did: no gender expectations for my kids! I kept a well-rounded collection of basic toys that they shared, taught them how to do the same chores, dressed them both in gender-neutral clothing, etc.; all the same stuff that you probably do.

Ultimately, though, I had to realize that a) I am a product of the larger society, in spite of my ideals and b) my children will eventually be influenced by the larger society, no matter how much I protect them.

Your kids will run into gender stereotypes and, if my experience is any indication, they will have some trouble. We've tried to view these hurdles as opportunities for more teaching. Eventually, as the children get older, the lessons about gender roles have to become more explicit. Nowadays, my kids are pretty well versed in societal expectations regarding gender (and ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc.) and can predict when their choices will cause a reaction.

Blaah...I don't even know what I'm talking about! I've been thinking about this issue a lot lately, since both my older kids have begun to show the very beginning signs of puberty.

[Mama2Bug]

I haven't read the whole thread (I know, I know- I hate it when people say that too, but I am pressed for time.), but I wanted to give some insight. I took 6 years of ballet as a kid. I was kind of lukewarm on it, but took it to please my mother. At any rate, my much younger brother wanted to take ballet and tap very, very badly. He asked and asked.

Finally, when he was five, my parents enrolled him. He was one of two boys in his age group and he had a blast. He has always been very physically talented, so he excelled. He was very young, so I don't think any of the kids in his class at school took any notice of him taking the classes. When he was 8 or 9, classes interferred with sports, so he had to choose. He chose sports. He went on to be incredibly good at soccer, baseball and football. One of his football coaches in highschool even pulled him aside once and asked him if he had taken dance classes. When he said he had, the coach said it was obvious from the way he moved on the field.

I guess what I am trying to say is that taking dance classes did not diminish his "maleness" in any way. They, in fact, enhanced it. The grace and coordination that he took from ballet contributed to his abilities in other activities. Another bonus that he took away was his ease around the opposite sex. Being the only guy around so many girls in each class taught him to relate to them as people- which sure didn't hurt him once he was old enough to date.

[mollyeilis]

Two words came to mind.....Mikhail Baryshnikov....yeehaw.

To the person whose son said he didn't want to grow up b/c he wants to be a ballerina, that little girl who spurred his thoughts should be reminded that there have to be men in ballet, otherwise who *supports* the ballerina in doing all those moves she can't do without someone supporting her? Men in ballet are necessary!

Even though DS is only 2, for a year I've been looking at all the free parenting ads, er, magazines, and noticing that all the dance schools in this area have PINK ads, with ONLY girls pictured (well, drawings, actually) in their logos, and they ONLY refer to "she" and "her". :

Anyway, just knowing you've got that little voice in there allows you to get it out, to laugh at it, and also to help him through.

[Mama Poot]

IMO, its wonderful that your son is taking interest in many different things! And remember he is just a little kid! If you teach your children that it doesnt matter if boys take ballet or girls like to play with GI-Joes, I think it likely that your son will repeat these things to anyone who dares to make fun of him for his choices. DH's father was adamant that his son would grow up to be the next Mozart. He made him start playing the violin at age 4. There were plenty of people who thought that wasn't a very "masculine" instrument-but that's just a testament to our modern society. Nevermind the fact that a man invented it, made it famous, and I'm sure when Paganini was alive, every young boy who knew about him wanted to be just like him.
Playing the violin led DH into playing electric and bass guitar, he joined a rock band, and all of a sudden everything was "cool". Oh yeah not to mention playing the violin has made him nice sums of money throughout his performing career! So don't worry about your son taking ballet. When he can stun his friends doing splits and all those other things dancers can do, then they'll want to join him- trust me.

[maryeb]

I danced for 13 years and my teacher was male. He is gorgeous. I was always awestruck by his talent. The boys in class always seemed so confident too, and let me tell you, we loved them!! Loved them, loved them, loved them. They had soo many girls interested in them in and outside of class. I went to grade school/high school with many of them. So yes, it's very possible your ds will get teased by other boys and maybe girls, but they might want to join him too. And right now he is so young, dancing might not stick. I understand your desire to protect him from others teasing him. He just might not care if he ends up loving it! Mary

[AmyAngel]

That's so awesome that he wants to take ballet! I have heard that many good schools are desperate for boys to enroll, and some have special programs for them. It's true that he may be teased, but most likely NOT by the other kids at the dance school! Especially when they're a little older and realize that when they want to take partnering later there has to be someone to partner WITH.

When my sisters were in high school, two of the really good (and very masculine) football players actually dropped out of football to be cheerleaders. I sincerely doubt they got teased at all, especially after people stopped to really think about it. Is it more manly to run around wearing very tight pants tackling other guys, or to be surrounded by and have lots of contact with the most desirable girls in the school? (Yes that's probably sexist to say in itself, but it does make people stop and take a second look at the situation.) One of those guys is my neighbor, and he's one of those sweet big guys everybody likes. He's also happily married and works in a physical, stereotypically male job. You wouldn't look at him and think "cheerleader" but he was!

Best of luck to your son in his classes - I hope he really enjoys them.

[shannon0218]

That's so cool that you recognize this little voice. I think Alkenny nailed it on the head too--your instinct is to protect him from others who aren't as well rounded. But the hottest guy in my high school BY FAR was a ballet dancer, a couple guys teased him and he picked them both up over his head and tossed them to the ground and asked them if they had anything more to say about his sissyness. Swooonnn

[MamaBug]

As a PP said, the fact that you recognize this will be very helpful to you. There is not much that I can say that others haven't already but my ds did take ballet and he hated it, too slow paced and I was really crushed as I wanted him to be the next Baryshnikov

I think that if he has talent for this, any negative comments you get will soon turn to praise. Also all the mothers that were in my ds class LOVED the fact that there was a boy in the class, and he was the only one. I just know your little one is going to love it!

[EFmom]

If you haven't seen it yet, rent "Billy Elliot." It's a great movie and might make you feel better.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

I actually relate to this a lot. I was bound and determined not to put any pressure on my ds - just let him develop and find his own interests. I was surprised when he naturally went for the toy cars and trains - I thought that was something parents encouraged in their little boys. But ds also has a love for hair bands and bows - something I have pretty much just found amusing (despite some comments from other people). When he started becoming very interested in my sister's makeup, trying to use the blush brush and the eyelash curler, the inner sexist reared it's head and I found myself resisting the urge to snatch those things from him. I suppose if he ever shows an interest in ballet, I will have to face that one as it come.

[maxmama]

I've got a very "girly" four-year-old boy. Other people's homophobia (and I do think a lot of our discomfort with children doing things outside traditional gender roles is internalized homophobia) is not his problem, but teaching him to recognize it and to handle it is my problem. Does that make sense?

[Breeder]

It's really hard to be a parent in this world, not because of our kids but because of everyone else out there. Boys have a lot more pressure than girls to behave in a certain way, and as moms we want to protect our sons from that pressure. At the same time we want to protect his self esteem, his feelings and his reactions to others who criticize him.

Your reaction doesn't seem like an 'inner sexist' to me, it seems more like the little voice of the protective parent. We've all been made fun of, and your son is picking an activity that could result in teasing, naturaly you want to sheild him from that.

The best thing you can do is surround him with positive people who will help keep his confidence afloat in the midst of teasing.

AND GREAT FOR YOU! Most parents wouldn't allow their boys to take any kind of dance. (It's too "girly"). Sometimes it's like Gene Kelly never existed.