Need input on what to do about mil... - Page 2

[kfowler]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

The more I read, the more I am convinced that your real problem isn't your MIL, its your DH. Since you are having some issues with depression, I assume you are receiving some sort of mental health care? Can you use that as a springboard into some couple's counceling with your DH? Sounds like he really needs to start stepping up to the plate on these issues.

I'm not in counceling at present time though I am seriously considering going back. I just went to my OB yesterday and he gave me some Lexapro to start. I was going to see how that works before trying to work counceling fees into an already tight budget.

[kfowler]

Originally Posted by laohaire

All the emphasis on what would happen if something happened to you is just ... odd ... creepy. IMO. I **REALLY** hope that I'm way off with that. I agree with the PP that your DH seems to be the primary issue - MILs are MILs, but DH is supposed to be on YOUR team.

Way creepy was my exact thought, in addition to being highly personal information. I made sure to tell my mom and several other members of my family what she'd said and added that if some "accident" befell me, they'd know where to start looking.

To be honest though, I think that her true motive was to get reassurance that my bil and his wife would be given custody so that the baby would be right next door to her. She knows darn well that if my family were to get custody that she'd be given limited visitation, which is just totally unacceptable in her eyes. So by ensuring that my bil and his wife get him - again, only if some tragedy should befall dh and I - then she would have total access to the baby at all hours of the day and night, which is, I feel, her ultimate goal.

[myhoneyswife]

I have a MIL kind of like yours. I invited her over *once* (we've been married 2-1/2 years) and did the whole, 'walk her to the door... Your car is parked where the neighbor needs to park... well, better start dinner' thing and she still refused to go. "I'm not done yet" "No, the neighbor can park somewhere else" "Oh, what's for dinner" Finally I stopped talking to her and just ignored her for 1/2 an hour longer while I cooked dinner, and she finally left. I would literally have to cuss her out and demand that she move or I was going to XYZ before she'd leave, she refuses to take hints, though she fully understands what I'm getting at.

Since I don't want to put myself in a situation where that happens (I have never cussed anyone out and don't plan to start!), now we only meet at her house where I am free to go on my own will or at some other mutual place, always with me having my own vehicle and her having hers (made the mistake of picking her up once also... Bad idea!).

Thankfully DH doesn't put up with her garbage, so he is fine with me severely limiting what I allow her to do. I call her about once a week, and I don't pick up the phone when she calls (caller ID) unless it's convienent for me, which it normally isn't. I literally have caller id for this reason only! :

We live out of state now, and if she does come visit, she'll be staying in a hotel and not setting foot on our property. I wouldn't mind bringing the baby when it's born to see her in the hotel, go out to lunch, etc. But I am not inviting that stress into my house. She tries all the time... I've told her that she's not staying in my house and she said she'd set up a tent in the yard. Um, no.

Gosh, I sound like a total jerk, but I have to do what I have to do to protect my family. She's not even *real* bad, she just is stubborn and refuses to respect myself, my family, and my house as MINE, not hers to control. DH's house growing up was full of anger, yelling, and manipulation, and I refuse to invite that into our home for either him, I, or our baby.

There's my book on the subject...

Cara

[kfowler]

Hey Cara!

I don't think you sound like a jerk at all. I wish I could do what you have done and refuse to have mil in my house and have my dh back me, but she inevitably comes to him crying about how she's being left out or mistreated or whatever and he immediately sets about consoling "poor mommy", which is exactly what she counts on and why she does it.

I have considered going over to bil's two or three nights a week to swim as a means of exercising. While it's not my ideal solution, I don't totally mind mil watching the baby poolside while we swim either. (We usually go later in the evening when it's much cooler than in the daytime.) That way, when an hour or two is up and we are ready to leave, we can just say "Goodbye!" and there's nothing mil can do to stall, though she usually tries her best - she always seems to pick THEN to tell dh that she "has to tell him something". She's such a control freak.

[myhoneyswife]

Bummer. Yeah, my DH backing me really makes a difference. I hope the swimming/MIL thing works out, that sounds like it could be a good deal and hopefully pacify her enough to not go sobbing to your hubby.

Some women might give their DHs an ultamadum in this situation, but personally I wouldn't... It would have to be something that he came to on his own, at least with my DH. Maybe you could 'have' to go shopping and 'have' to take baby with you because he'll need to eat, loves the store, etc. when she's visiting longer than you'd like, leaving her without the baby? I'm a big fan of avoidance rather than confrontation...

My MIL will not be allowed alone with my children because she bad-mouths and would try to pry things out of the kids that are none of her business and then eggagerate them to the kids and make my kids feel like mom and dad were bad or they were abused or whatnot. She's a nut

ETA: Or you could just be sickiningly sweet and fake when she's around and pretend like you're just trying to be the best daughter-in-law in the world, and maybe that would annoy your DH enough that he'd want to limit visits. :P