So how do you deal if you're uncomfortable with several attendants

[huggerwocky]

...and that's the only choice you have. My midwife comes with an apprentice. Ok. She also has an assistant. Everyone comes to the birth. And I feel panicky thinking about all these people being there. My husband just likes the added security.

I will obviously tell my midwife how I feel about this. I don't want to be watched by so many people. I feel cornered already. It is still better than a hospital birth, that's what I keep telling myself. From what I know there are no midwives that practise alone here and anyway my husband would not be comfortable with it. I unfortunately can only agree on a rational level here.

I don't want to be attended by so many people at the same time. How can I phrase this best? I find it so hard to put it into words. Does anybody understand what I mean?

And what about the space? I don't want my husband to feel intimidated in some way and then not being physically close to me because everybody's taking over and watching me.

How can I deal with this?

I can't believe I'm crying over something like this.

[kerikadi]

When I had my two homebirths my MW the general rule was that there would be a nurse there to assist her. I knew I wouldn't want to be a watched pot so my birthplan included my wishes to labor alone and she knew I only wanted her to check on me and not be there all the time. The plan was for her to be in another room most of the time. However, by the time I let DH call her and she got here there was only 30 minutes before baby arrived and NO time for the assistant/nurse. My second labor was only 45 minutes so we were lucky she got here on time, let alone somebody else.

I would just let her know that you would like to labor alone as much as possible and when the day comes and you are comfortable with just you and DH just hold off calling her for a while.

Keri

[Full Heart]

Maybe you can just ask that they leave you alone except for vitals. In the past I wasn't watched over, I was left alone to labor how I felt and only was interrupted for vitals. But the support was there when I needed it. Also luck might have it that your midwife is the only one there. That happened with my first birth. Went much quicker than she anticipated so she was the only one there. Also, If there is something wrong with both mom and babe there is an attendent for both. But the likelihood something would be wrong with both is like teeny tiny. But if it helps the cornered feeling...hey go with it .

I would just request to be left alone except for vitals and delivery. I am sure your midwife will understand. (((hugs)))

[sunshinestarr]

Maybe they can be in another room and called upon if needed?

[happydoulamama]

I agree with pp- I imagine that they will follow your wishes, and if you wish to labor mostly alone in an adjacent room, i don't see they would have a problem with that. I'm sure as a homebirth team that they are very quiet and calm- and that they probably get this alot from other moms who want to labor as alone as possible.

There is a positive side that if during your labor you have anything come up (like unexpected back labor, etc etc) you will have different people to give you suggestions and take turns helping you out. I imagine it won't be as bad as you may be thinking. I'm sure they will be respectful of your wishes. Make sure your dh is comfortable helping you herd them away if necessary.

[huggerwocky]

Originally Posted by happydoulamama

I agree with pp- I imagine that they will follow your wishes, and if you wish to labor mostly alone in an adjacent room, i don't see they would have a problem with that. I'm sure as a homebirth team that they are very quiet and calm- and that they probably get this alot from other moms who want to labor as alone as possible.

There is a positive side that if during your labor you have anything come up (like unexpected back labor, etc etc) you will have different people to give you suggestions and take turns helping you out. I imagine it won't be as bad as you may be thinking. I'm sure they will be respectful of your wishes. Make sure your dh is comfortable helping you herd them away if necessary.

True, I really don't know how it is going to be when the time comes. Maybe I'm just imagining the worst.

[georgia]

I told my mw point blank I didn't want anyone else in my home except her. She was actually okay with it.

[ZeldasMom]

Have them come at the last minute. And have them be in a separate room from you if that's what you want. Awhile back someone posted that she fixed her gest room up for her birth attendants to relax in and i thought that was a good idea.

For both babies I did most of my laboring on my own without even my DP around. He slept and besides letting me have my space, this helped him with having energy after the baby came.

[huggerwocky]

Originally Posted by georgia

I told my mw point blank I didn't want anyone else in my home except her. She was actually okay with it.

She told me she doesn't attend births without her assistant, I'd have to find someone else in that case.

[happydoulamama]

Have you asked your mw at what point you will meet these other women? I also must say that if I were a midwife, I would also be uncomfortable without an assistant there to help me if something came up.

But the apprentice, on the other hand, should totally be your choice. It's kind of like asking for no residents in your birth room at a hospital. I personally feel ok with an apprentice at my birth, but then again, I'm up for several people in my home by choice. But if I felt differently and didn't want a lot of people here, I'd ask for no apprentice and that the assistant and possibly the midwife hang in another room until they were needed.

Good luck in your decision on what to do. I really do imagine that it will work out fine for you- most midwives are willing to do what it takes for you to have the birth you want. Ask for what you want and you will probably receive!

[Full Heart]

Another thing you might want to do is ask for references, you can ask her other clients how it was for them, what she did during their labors. After my first birth I gave my midwife a copy of my birth tape and she used it during her CBE classes so you also might have the option of actually watching a video of a birth she attended, it wouldn't hurt to ask. I labor alone and don't like being touched...no talking either. My midwife was always great about it, it was my mother I woudl have to yell at repeatedly.

Watching someone labor isn't all that fun so they will probably be in the other room knitting or reading or sleeping. Unless you want agressive labor support in which case you either might want a doula or just tell your midwife you would rather her assistant stay in the other room till she was needed.

[georgia]

Originally Posted by huggerwocky

She told me she doesn't attend births without her assistant, I'd have to find someone else in that case.

I'm so sorry I would talk about my feelings in a very upfront way so she's clear w/her entourage that they are to be outside of your sacred space. Your feelings can't be debated---they are what they are. I can understand why she doesn't do anything solo from a liability POV, but, since you're the client--your needs and wants should be in the forefront and mw should accomodate. Please keep us updated---I totally understand your emotions on this!

[LoveChild421]

I would definately make it clear that you don't want to be "watched over." Ask her to keep her assistant and apprentice in another room until they are needed to set out birth supplies, etc.

Also, I don't know how well you know the apprentice and assistant but if they are there at your prenatals you could try to get to know them on a woman to woman level. I was apprehensive when I found out my midwife had 2 apprentices who would be at the birth but when I got to know them over the course of my pregnancy I really wanted them there. One apprentice had a very soothing way about her and her touch felt better in labor than anyone else's.

But regardless, it's YOUR birth and YOUR wishes come first and foremost. Don't make compromises you don't feel comfortable with, because what matters most is that you feel at ease.

[Mama Poot]

You are allowing these people into YOUR home, so they should abide by YOUR rules. Tell your MW that her nurses and assistants and whoever else can wait in another room until they are truly needed. You have a RIGHT to ask for this. You might also want to remind your MW that labor can stall or even stop if the woman feels intimidated by strangers. And we wouldn't want that, right? Ok then.

[batsoup]

My midwives work as a team (2 of them) and they also have a new apprentice. I wasn't sure about her at first, but she has a really calm manner that's nice. I meet with them all at every visit, so that helps to make it feel warm. And I would think with any homebirth midwife you'd be talking a lot about your personal preferences in labor, including wanting to be left alone, etc. I think it's great to have more people IN the house (just in case) but not necessarily IN your face, you know?

[channelofpeace]

She needs to be respectful of your birthing space. You are paying her, not the other way around. If she can't accommodate you, are there any other midwives in town that could?

[andisunshine]

I had a mw and two student mws, it wasn't so bad because they did wait in the living room while we were in the bedroom. The senior student actually did just about all the work, monitoring, checking dilation, etc while the mw kept an eye on her. The second student didn't get there until 1/2 hour before baby was born. Mind you, ds was born at 6:27 am so I napped from about 3:00 am and the mws stayed on the couches. By the time transition passed and I started pushing I was so delirious that I didn't care if they were watching. In fact I took off all my clothes except my sports bra because I was so hot, then I ripped that off to nurse when baby was born. I'm a fairly antisocial person with no tendencies toward exhibitionism, I don't even like to change in a women's locker room. I think when the time comes you won't notice or care that the mw and students are there.
Andi

[mammalmama]

I can absolutely see why you would cry about this.
THis is your birth, and this is the ONLY birth your baby is ever going to have. I see no reason why it should not be how you want it, in as much as it is in your control.
Let's talk a minute about normal birth physiology, about normal physiology as conducive to normal, safe birth. We know that most mammals require privacy in order to give birth. Our closest primate relatives, chimpanzees, go off by themselves to birth, and so in zoos special private structures are created for them to be alone and have their babies in. We are not any different. When the human mammal female gives birth, she enters a beta state. She literally shuts down her neocortex and enters her "primal brain." She will NOT do this if she is fearful, if others around her are fearful, if she is spoken to, or if she is watched. How do we promote the best normal, natural birth? A warm, dimly lit room, and privacy privacy privacy. Anything that allows you to shut down the neocortex and go into "labor land's" beta state.
If you are interested in this I highly recommend anything written by the French OB Michel Odent. He has many books out and you can also look for his stuff on the midwifery today website.
Something to think about on the added security...IS it added security if it in any way jeopordizes your ability for normal physiologic process???????????
Midwives in my community often go alone to births, but most bring an assistant. None of them would insist on a student in addition if the mother does not want one. And none of them would be justified to do so!!!!

[Nan'sMom]

I'd say be upfront about what you want and why...ie, only the midwife. If she says no can you get another midwife? If you are feeling uncomfortable, there is a reason. Listen to your insticts.

I had a doula at my first homebirth because my midwife suggested it, and it was absolutely awful. I felt watched and I hated having another person trying to tell me what to do ("reminding" me to drink, "suggesting" positions and other "helpful" interferences). In addition, she was very fearful and it affected everyone. I think we have to be very very careful who we allow into our sacred birthing spaces.

Maybe bring up these types of issues with your dh? Ask him what he is scared of exactly and research and discuss it. That's what we did before our second homebirth and it really helped.

With my second homebirth I switched midwives and was very clear about my parameters. I did not hire a doula. It ended up being UC (she came 90 min after to look at the baby for me), but even if it hadn't it would have been SO different and SO much better. So, having BTDT, I send you hugs and say be strong about what you want. A good midwife will understand.

[huggerwocky]

I talked to her and she understands. She said it's not uncommon that women labour best alone with their partner and in such cases everybody just stays in another room with someone sneaking up now and then to check the heartbeat.

I found that very reassuring. Also, if I'm putt off by the assistant she has someone else who might substitute.

When discussing the birth though I will ask to not receive my actual care from the assistant unless the situation actually demands it. What do you say?

I don't know about finding another midwife, I find the search difficult because everyone relies on word of mouth and I don't know anyone here, asking on-line brought up just one other recommendation but I get weird vibes after reading her website ( I'm weird like that) and she has an assistant,too....like everyone it seems.