So how do you deal if you're uncomfortable with several attendants - Page 2

[batsoup]

I think it's also important to know that these are people that you are hiring to care for you -- you are in control of the situation, and at some point you'll probably want to get to a non-adversarial relationship with your midwife(s) so you can focus on your labor and not have negativity from her proximity. having some very open conversations about all this might bring you all closer together so that you feel their help is welcome if and when you want it...

[2kiwimama]

I totally understand how you feel. Birth is very private and personal.

Saying that let me speak from the midwife point of view. Birth is totally natural and most of the time very "easy". However as I have seen sometimes things happen. It is very necessary when these situations arise for a midwife to have assistants and apprentices there, especially well trained ones that can have something ready for the midwife before it is even asked. The majority of births these "helpers" just stay in the background out of sight until after the birth when they help clean up. Occasionally though it is necessary for them to do more.

I also want to say that it is amazing how midwifery is slowly becoming a common household word again. Something that so many people are seeking out. For this to be possible there needs to be midwives. The main way to learn birth is to experience it. That doesn't mean the apprentice needs to be up in your face or even your vagina hee hee. Just listening to the different noises and how they progress, and the fetal heart tones, even the shift of energy in the room can be observed without you ever knowing one is there. For us to keep this practice going we need to train well new midwives.

Hope everything goes well for you!!!!

[bradleybirth2mom]

It's ok to be upset--I was a little bit, too, at first. But then I met the others and I felt at ease more because I thought they were nice and I could trust them. Your instinct is telling you to birth alone in a dark place, so let them know that this is what you want. My attendants at my homebirth just kept to themselves in another area of the house and didn't watch me and let my husband attend me until I was definitely in transition and moaning. At that point, it won't matter who is all around you, you just need support through the hard contractions and you want it from anyone. It'll go fine, don't worry. Imagine that they will just keep to themselves and they will because you told them that you want to be in a separate area of the house with dim lights, soft music and your sweet hubby to handle the first stage of labor. They'll understand.

[Nan'sMom]

Sounds like a good conversation. I'd advise to keep being very very clear with her. For example, you could say that the assistants must stay out of the room absent a true emergency, if that's what you want, and/or that only your primary midwife is to interact with you and/or monitor you.

As a side note, some midwives think you won't care during transition and crowning who's in the room but that is definitely not true for all women. For me, it was horrible having extra people around at that time.

Can you write up your wishes into a birthplan for your midwife to look at? In writing often helps to clarify, since people sometimes gloss over things when speaking.

[mammalmama]

It might be worthwhile to just ask yourself how you honestly feel about having a different midwife. Maybe you dont really want one, and maybe deep in your heart you do and are just put off at the work it'll take to find one-which can be a daunting task, certainly.
In my experience, the best way to totally screw up your birth is to have ANYONE there that you dont feel completely comfortable with and completely good about. Its also the area we really do have the most control over, and the most responsibility for, though sometimes finding the right midwife, etc. requires us to stretch our brains a bit more outside the box, do some serious and often uncomfortable thinking and talking, and maybe a whole lot of reading and learning and research. How committed are you to having the birth you want? That's a question all pregnant mamas would do well to ask themselves.
I live in a community with really limited attendant options, and have met people who do everything from settling for the docs at the hospital, driving hours to another hospital, settling for the only midwife, having no midwife, having an unlicenced midwife, importing midwives from out of town, and 2 women who've brought over midwives from other countries, 3 women who've gone out of state to birth. So, all I can say is that you've got options mama, they just might take some serious searching out! And sure, some of the "settling" women have had great births, some of them had awful births and say they wish they'd've listened to their hearts and found a different attendant. So all I can offer you is encouragement and a loving warning, which may or may not apply!!! (meaning, that maybe you're actually quite comfortable with your attendant, and the warning doesnt serve.)

[huggerwocky]

Originally Posted by bradleybirth2mom

At that point, it won't matter who is all around you, you just need support through the hard contractions and you want it from anyone.

This is not true for me, I WILL care but thankfully my midwife never said anything making me think that it might be otherwise

[AmieV]

I highly doubt all three of these people WANT to come watch every second of your labor. I'm not saying that in a rude way, just letting you know. At my birth center birth the assistants weren't called until I was pushing, and that's a very common practice. Chances are if the apprentice comes with the m/w at the beginning they will switch off. Either way you can definitely discuss the different logistics with your m/w and I'm confident come up with a workable solution that doesn't involve switching m/w's. Personally, I'm more comfortable with two attendants just because I'm a worst case scenario gal...if I'm hemorrhaging and baby needs CPR at the same time (obviously HIGHLY unlikely, but I'm a bit of a worrywart), I like the idea that there's enough folks to take care of both.

And, I completely understand your feelings. There were too damn many people at my first birth. There was my mom, my DH, (both of whom I was thrilled to have be there...my mom was a godsend), a doula, the m/w, a nurse attendant, and another assistant in training. The training assistant and the doula I could have easily done without! One of my best friends had a baby a few months after me in the hospital and honestly her actual birth sounded more quiet and serene than mine was! She had just the OB, a nurse and her DH there with dimmed lights and everything was very quiet. Mine was a bit of a 3 ring circus at times.

[huggerwocky]

Originally Posted by AmieV

I highly doubt all three of these people WANT to come watch every second of your labor. I'm not saying that in a rude way, just letting you know.

.

What's the point of telling me this?

[Midwife Kris]

I think that previous post was a clumsy attempt at saying that although your midwife might have assistants and/or apprentices (or a combo of the two) that they will not all be focused on you in an obtrusive way... like hanging their chins on the edge of the birth tub while you labor

I appreciate having the extra hands on deck for those times we need them and those times range from complications to cleaning up so the new family can be tucked into bed for a nice nurse and rest following birth. The women I work with are awesome and respect the role they are in.

[mamaverdi]

You could also come up with things for them to do if they were bothering you:
I want a drink....
I need strawberries... :
I need chocolate...

I need to vomit....oh watch out... :Puke that one got you... :



So...with my first baby I met the assistant at my homevisit at 36 weeks. I HATED HER. My midwife could tell. She called her when I was ready to push...but before I started pushing...and said, oh she was only 4 two hours ago...it'll be awhile. She saved face for the assistant and for me.

Baby was born 20 minutes later. (3 hr 50 min labor first baby)

The assistant later told her: Wow, they must have loved you...doing the whole thing yourself. And my midwife said, nah, she did the whole thing HERSELF.

The second baby, my midwife shows up with the other midwife who I had never met...but I wasn't too bothered...my labor did stop a little bit...but when I realized what was happening, I just walked around, talked to her....got to know her a little bit...found out she wore birks...and there it was back in labor again.

It turned out that my dh was very tired from having moved us into the house 2 days prior...and couldn't be as much of a help as before. She ended up helping me so much. And...I had a small hemmorage and the baby was all wrapped in his cord...so I had both of them there: one for me, one for baby.

I hope it will work out for the best for you.

mv

[jillybeans]

(didn't read above posts)

I loved our midwife, her apprentice was ok, and I really didn't like her mom, also a midwife, before dd was born. It turned out that having three of them was just what we needed. I was pushing when they arrived, so no time to prepare the room. My midwife attended to the baby, the apprentice got the shower curtain on the floor. : And her mom attended to me. They were all wonderful! The apprentice held me up, along with dh, while pushing, the mom gave me the most gentle, soothing talks to help me through-couldn't have done it w/out her- and our midwife did great with the baby, despite a small complication! Sometimes a not-so-great situation pre-birth turns out to be just perfect during and after birth.

[boscopup]

My midwife has a co-midwife and two assistants, but not everyone shows up. I think just one extra person shows up besides the main midwife. One of the assistants is also an apprentice, and she's a good friend of mine (I know both assistants pretty well). The apprentice may be the only one at my birth if my midwife doesn't make it, since mw lives 1 hour away from the birth house, and apprentice and myself both live 15 minutes away. I had a 2.5 hour labor with my first baby, so while I don't expect it to be faster, it very well could be. I'm totally cool with the apprentice being the only one there.

Anyway, if everyone does show up and I'm having a longer labor, they'll all leave the room until/unless they are needed. In fact, in alot of labors, the midwife and assistants will leave the house completely and go into town for a bit, then come back. So not everyone is there the whole time. I think that may be what the PP was alluding to when saying they wouldn't all want to watch you labor the whole time. There's really no need for them to all be in the room with you the entire labor.

In your situation, I would discuss having the assistants stay out of the room unless they are specifically needed. Say they can be in the house, but just not in the room. I don't see why they'd have a problem with that?

[SusannahM]

My midwife understood I wanted to be left alone (without me having to tell her, I really wasn't sure what I would want beforehand). She came with her apprentice, and they were out of the house for most of my labor. They didn't go far, about a mile or two to shop and eat. When they got back, they went upstairs and shut themselves up in one of our upstairs bedrooms. They came into the room we were in when I got my husband to go get them.

So, just make your wishes known, I'm sure there's a nearby place they can be while you labor on your own.

[cottonwood]

Originally Posted by happydoulamama

I imagine it won't be as bad as you may be thinking.

and

Originally Posted by bradleybirth2mom

It'll go fine, don't worry.

Why would you assume that? I know you didn't mean it that way, but this is really dismissive of her reality. She knows what she is comfortable with -- that's her instinct and self-understanding. These comments have her second-guessing that. I don't mean to be attacking, but I really feel strongly that the birth community needs to learn to stop being dismissive of what women are saying about their needs in birth.

Originally Posted by andisunshine

I think when the time comes you won't notice or care that the mw and students are there.

That's definitely not the case for everyone.

Originally Posted by bradleybirth2mom

At that point, it won't matter who is all around you, you just need support through the hard contractions and you want it from anyone.

Again, that's not the case for everyone.

Originally Posted by mammalmama

Let's talk a minute about normal birth physiology, about normal physiology as conducive to normal, safe birth. We know that most mammals require privacy in order to give birth. Our closest primate relatives, chimpanzees, go off by themselves to birth, and so in zoos special private structures are created for them to be alone and have their babies in. We are not any different. When the human mammal female gives birth, she enters a beta state. She literally shuts down her neocortex and enters her "primal brain." She will NOT do this if she is fearful, if others around her are fearful, if she is spoken to, or if she is watched. How do we promote the best normal, natural birth? A warm, dimly lit room, and privacy privacy privacy. Anything that allows you to shut down the neocortex and go into "labor land's" beta state.

Yes, yes, yes. Where have you been all my life? So glad to hear someone else talking about these things.

[TurboClaudia]

just a thought... it is also possible that some women anticipate in advance more discomfort and upsetness and anxiety than actually avails itself at the birth events...

as far as we know, and i accept that this is an assumption of the most superior kind, other animals, including our nearest relatives the primates, do not think about or contemplate possible and probable future events to the extent that humans have the capacity to.

if a woman truly only wants one very familiar attendant with her during her laboring and birthing, then she might consider specifically searching for someone who is comfortable with that scenario, understanding that another birth attendant used to assistants or partners is working out of their comfort zone and may not be the best, most confident choice for that woman.

~claudia