Ok, I feel like clarifying a bit...and why I'm having trouble accepting that I'm having a hard time right now...
I attributed a lot of my past experiences with PPD to both hormones, the whole chemical imbalance thing, and my hospital births. While pregnant with my third baby, I had a nagging feeling in the back of my head of "what if it happens again?" irregardless of having the birth my way (UC, and I had a UC). I tried belief suggestions sometimes (things like "I will have my baby and I will be happy/fill in the blank here___ in the months to follow") but I guess it was a pretty half hearted attempt. Or I hit a brick wall with the reality of caring for three kids under the age of four. Probably both.
I've just been subsisting these days. Dh is working two jobs again, starting last week so it is just me and the boys day and night, day in and day out. I literally do not have any friends here, and have no means of even going anywhere (tho we are getting a second car this/next week, but then I'll need to get my license, sad I know -I'll be 24 next month and have never gotten it), and the few people I do know are just too busy living life to come visit. It's been very snowy and cold, haven't even been outside with the kids -cabin fever is awful. I've hardly been eating well and when I do eat its garbage half the time, unless I actually cook a meal for dinner. I havne't been sleeping great, if it weren't for co-sleeping I probably woudn't be sleeping at all. Taking a much needed nap during the day is impossible, the boys rarely are all sleeping at the same time, my 3yo really needs looking after if the other two are asleep and he has pretty much phased out naps. I'm highly guilty of popping in a video for them just so I can catnap on the couch for a while.
Write more tomorrow, dh is home.
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Also, I've been eating like crap. I'm hardly hungry but then will wind up eating junk food or crappy food, unless I make a meal for dinner, and I really try to every night. I'm alway begging for Dh to bring home take out at least once a week b/c I'm too tired/fustrated/pressed for time to cook. sigh.
I'm trying to not dwell om how lonely it is here. I got really happy when I discovered that at dh's new job an old friend of mine works there too. But then quickly I brought myself down thinking "she sounds too busy, she has a bookie business / her b/f, is going to school, working and raising her 7yo dd...why/when would she be able to come see me..." I told dh to tell her who he was married to, and he said she sounded austounded and excited, that was the other day, so now what.
Last year I waited my whole preg for my best friend to get leave from the army and be able to visit. She tried to while in NY but didn't have wheels and no one would drop her off, then on new year's my cuz picked her up and brought her to a party, but no one thought to come see Jesse when they had the oppt. I guess w/ two kids and a newborn I'm not partying material anymore. LOL not that I AM, but just hanging out would have been more than fine. Pity party I know...I'm over it, especially thinking she'd be back in NY a mo later becaus she was out of the Army for good, but she found a new bf where was and stayed put. That's life I guess.
No not trying to blame my friends, it just always seems that they are always far away lol. I'm used to it by now.
I want to blame my MIL. I hate her, I really HATE her. I have reasons to hate lots of people but I'm highly forgiving person, and I don't, but, no I hate HER. SHe is so screwed up and crazy, and ******* my babymoon. Liam was hardly 5 days old when she called CPS because I had a homebirth, in her ****'ed up mind my baby wasn't "breathing right" and was "too red" I went from happy exstatic new mommy to more trauma! The CPS thing turned out ok, everything is in the clear now and closed, but the whole ordeal really took a lot of steam and joy out of me. One day I'm happy, the next I'm freaked out that somehow my kids would be taken away, and wondering how my baby was going to get breastmilk if he were in the "system". It's not a fun way to be.
And the handwriting was on the wall. ALl through my preg she kept threatening to call CPS b/c I was preg and hadn't seen a Dr/mw. I guess the one good thing was that once I feared cps, and now we've been through it and they no longer make me afraid no matter what parenting choices I choose to make. But once it was over and I could get through every day life breathing easy, I felt like so much had been sucked out of me. I blame me for letting it do that.
The worst is how I have no patience with the boys. I swear they do things just to hear me yell. I try to stop myself from yelling but sometimes its out of my mouth before I think. Not feeling like I've been the best mother in the world.
Guess I'm rambling and I'll end for now, have to figure out what is for dinner.
Thanks if you've made it this far, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.
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-happy tears. To top it off her computer and internet is all hooked back up again, so I'm hoping to get to see her in the cyber world soon yippee!!
