Strange parent-teacher conference

[Gentlegreen]

Well, I went to the parent teacher conference for my daughter on Wednesday expecting the usual "your daughter is bright and wonderful and you are a fabulous mom" interaction. I did get that, but the majority of the time was spent discussing what are perceived to be her personality problems. She is 13 and has definitely moved into what I see as typical adolecent behavior the past couple of years-self centered outlook, self conscousness, and outspoken cynicism at times. I don't see any of these behaviors as so huge that they define who she is, they just pop up from time to time. She has always been independent, outspoken, and questioning of authority. I like these things in her and have encouraged these traits.

I should mention that most of the talking was done by the teacher's aide, not the teacher. He is new this year and has a very strong personality. Some of the kids in the class have complained to me that he dominates the classroom and can be critical and downright rude at times. They all started out liking him but few do at this point. I sub for him from time to time and the kids feel like they can talk openly to me.

Anyway, he talked like my daughter is borderline pathelogical or something--she won't examine or express those sides of herself that she is uncomfortable with and hides behind different personalities and humor. He sees her being attracted to the "goth" crowd, who he sees as intelligent but cynical and negative. He sees her as potentially becoming "mean".

I just sat there rather flabbergasted and unable to defend her. I am so much better at hindsight replies, ya know? She does like the punk and goth stuff to a point, but my own bias is that "counterculture" type people are often wonderful. I have told her that she must stay away from those who are into drugs and she totally agrees. The school she is in now is very small (she is in a 5-7th mixed grade classroom of 12 kids and is the only "punk" person around.) As far as hiding behind different personalities and humor, she has always enjoyed performing and making people laugh by talking and acting in silly ways. I have never seen her want to "become" one of her goofy characters for goodness sake. And "mean"? WTF? The meanest thing I have heard her say in a long time is when she asked if she would be arrested for throwing a pineapple at George Bush.

I see her as a wonderful, free thinking spirit who is in that time of life when she is finding out who she is and where she is going. I suspect that this is where she will be at for a few years. I have total faith that she is growing to be a strong, intelligent young woman and will find her path. She has been through alot of transition in the last 3 years (me and dad breaking up, moving from homeschooling to p.s. and having many old and dear friends move away. I see that she struggles at times and does get self conscious and self centered. But pretty normal stuff for this age in my opinion. Am I blind? Unable to see her realistically? This is keeping me awake at night!

[Coyote star]

I'm an 8th grade english teacher who is recovering from last night's PT conferences. BLAH. Maybe a response from "this side" of the fence will help.

You mentioned that it was an aide that did most of the talking. Do you know how new he is? Is he a "fresh out of college" or "new to the profession" type? It may have been inexperience talking. In which case, I would hope that the teacher pointed out the inapprpriateness of the comments after the conference.

Or (and this is what I'm leaning towards), it may be insecurity on his part. It is my experience through 6 years of teaching that in the worst case, teacher's aides are confused about their roles in the classroom. They are not entirely considered "professionals", and can seem to overstep their boundaries both in the classroom and in parent interactions in an attempt to add credibility to their position. (Of course, in the best case, they are an invaluable asset to the class.)

As to the behavior of your daughter, 13 is a time of creativity, confusion, and experimentation. It is a time when kids are supposed to do rebelling against the established norm of their homes, their schools, and their society. It's how they learn to become autonomous adults. It's our job as parents, teachers, and members of the community to respect this necessary growth, while maintaining, very clearly, what is and what isn't acceptable to our values. Talking to your daughter about staying out of drugs, talking to her often and clearly about it is the best thing you can do.

"Goth" and "punk" are two perinnial favorites of today's teenagers simply because they are such obvious, showy badges of teenage rebellion. They're like the long hair of the 60's and the leather jackets and blue jeans of the 50's. It is a clean and simple way of making the "rebelious teen" statement. And that statement is not an automatic "Look mom, I'm mean and doing drugs."

The implications of that man's comments are ridiculous. Does that mean that preppy, sporty kids aren't "mean"? Does that mean that the "nerdy crowd" doesn't do drugs?

I know it's hard to ignore others' perceptions about our children, but speaking from the person on the other side of that PT conference desk, I would try. This is a man who seems to be bringing some serious professional baggage to the table. As a well-liked and trusted teacher, I have been told time and time again from my kids that having parents who listen to them, *really listen*, and set clear rules are the best thing possible.

Finally, in light of the numerous complaints you've heard about this man, I would urge you to meet with the principal about him. Too many poor teachers and support staff are allowed to continue their practices because parents and colleagues don't speak up. Make a list of the things he said that you felt were out of line and discuss them with the principal. If nothing else, there will be documentation of a complaint should something else happen down the road.

Cheers,
Coyote Star

[Chi-Chi Mama]

don't have much time.. sorry this is short...

I am not a teacher, nor do I have a teen-ager..

but from what you have said, your dd sounds absolutely wonderful!!! I also think it might be the inexperience of the aide. Or his personality...

I too would rather my dd go with 'counterculture' rather than mainstream when she is a teen.

sounds like it's the aide's problem, not your dd's. Have you tried to talk to the teacher?

[Gentlegreen]

Thanks, Coyote and Chi-Chi, your feedback is just what I needed to hear. Yes, the aide is new--he was an actor and not making much of a living so decided to move into education. He has no formal training (although he is moving in that direction) and no children of his own.

The kids in his class room are exploring community and democracy this year. They passed an anonomus petition listing their complaints with him and called a class meeting (with him and their teacher) to discuss these issues. He was open but defensive as well. So at this point I don't feel I need to take it to the administrator (who is great at some things but unassertive with difficult staff) because the kids are taking it into their own hands! They are brave and wonderful! I think perhaps the aide thinks my daughter was one of the instigators here, although she was not.

Yeah, she's a great kid and I love her just the way she is. Thanks for the support ladies. Sometimes these things nibble at my brain way more than they should and some feedback from some wise women does wonders in letting it go. Thank you so much.

[EFmom]

My Dh teaches kids your daughter's age. I would definitely try to set up a new appointment for a conference with the teacher, not with the aide. I'm totally baffled that an aide would be at your conference at all!

As for your daughter, I hope you explained that it would be showing terrible disrespect for a perfectly good pineapple.

[Gentlegreen]

EFmom, you are hilarious!

Dd and I already had a talk with the aide. She has become aware of this situation by reading this thread over my shoulder. She immediately wanted to defend herself to him and spoke up after school the other day. I wandered over and we all talked. He was somewhat understanding and somewhat defensive at the same time. He asked that I "come to him directly next time instead of sending my daughter." Arg. I told him that she wanted to talk to him on her own and I was proud of her for being brave enough to do so. Honestly, I really don't like to interact with him that much because he is so domineering (although he presents himself as clever and charming) but I held my own with him. I let him know that I love and respect my daughter as she is and that she does not need "fixing".

I don't feel the need for a whole other conference, but I will have a talk with the teacher. I really hate having to do this kind of stuff! A definite gift of parenthood--learning to be much more assertive than I was in my pre-kid days.

Thanks for the feedback!

[LunaMom]

I'm a teacher AND a parent and while I can see this from both sides, this seems to be a case of a teacher (teacher's aide, even!) thinking he is somehow a child psychologist. One of my pet peeves about a lot of teachers is that they have this tendency to "diagnose" kids even when they are not qualified to do so. Don't get me wrong - I've had students who have shown eveidence of psychological problems, but my role is to help facilitate the child's education, so if a child is having a difficult timne in school because of what appears to be a psychological problem, I will speak to the parents and suggest that they look into it, maybe saying something along the lines of, "It's become apparent that ________ is having trouble focusing on her schoolwork and I have noticed she has stopped smiling and socializing with the other students - perhaps we should look into this? I can set up a meeting with the school guidance counselor..." But I would never say, "Your child is clearly depressed and needs psychological help." Does that make sense?

Just last year, I had a preschool teacher's aide (required education - h.s. diploma) suggest to me that my child had social anxiety disorder, just because she was a bit freaked out by the wild behavior of some of her classmates, which the teachers failed to control adequately. I turned to her and said, "And you received your Ph.D. in child psychology from which university?" End of discussion. :

[Gentlegreen]

Yep, LunaMom (love your name) you hit it right on the head. How someone who has known your child for only a short time can express such major presumptions about their personality and character is beyond me. I left that conference feeling like we had been talking about two different people!

Love how you handled your aide situation. Go mom!

[alie]

Gentlegreen, from your post,your daughter sounds like a wonderful, fantastic creative person. She's lucky she has such a supportive mom. It's great that she is "different". It sounds like the teacher's aide has some personal conflict with her and that he is deluding himself into thinking that it's all your daughter's prob. It sounds more like his problem. I was most impressed by your dealing with the situation, again, lucky daughter there.

[Gentlegreen]

Alie,

Yes, DD is a gem and everyone who knows her thinks so. People often comment on what a great kid she is, so I don't give much credence to what this guy thinks. I just hope he learns more about the nature of kids, particulary teenagers, as he goes along. I also hope he has learned the lesson that you don't casually trash somebody's kid in front of their mom, especially when you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Because he is not a parent, I don't think he realizes the depth to which our love and acceptance of our children reaches. Becoming an adult is a long process, and being a parent, one must see that difficult and annoying behaviors in the young ones can and do change, indeed they often mature into fine qualities.

Thanks for the feedback and support. You must have seen something of yourself in my posts, so give yourself a pat on the back, too! Hope to see you around the boards.

[laralou]

Originally posted by Gentlegreen
A definite gift of parenthood--learning to be much more assertive than I was in my pre-kid days.

I think how true this is all the time.

About your dd's situation, I agree with LunaMom that he was overstepping his bounds by trying to diagnose your dd without a degree. I would address it with the teacher. And I give kudos to your dd for being brave enough to deal with this guy herself. What an awesome kid!

[applejuice]

As a parent and a teacher, let me give you my two cents worth.


TEACHER:
I teach in a private religious school, so there is community sense and a $ factor to consider.

I let the parents know that I truly enjoy their child being in my class. After all, they spend more of their waking hours with me usually than with their parents. I let them know their child's strengths and then I let them know their weaknesses and how they can improve to be a better student and make the most of the time in and out of my class so that they can learn the best that they can at this age to the very best of thier ability. I then ask if they have any questions and /or concerns and try to direct them to resources to help them or to the principal. (this is the policy in my school)


PARENT:
As a parent, I always got the impression that I was being "shined on", and that no one was being honest with me and just could not wait for the year to end.

I understand this to a point since teaching is a stressful profession, but the futrue is in my hands so I strive to do the greater good.