Introvert mom and Extrovert Daughter

[manzanitamomma]

I am having a hard time being a mom lately. My oldest daughter is a wonderfully bright, engaging extrovert. She talks nonstop from the moment she gets up until she falls asleep. I love hearing her ideas and thoughts, but I crave silence. I usually have about an hour in the morning with her little sister before she gets up. But she is usually up until midnight, so there is little alone time for me before bed.

My dh sometimes watches both girls for 10- 15 minutes a couple times a day. I use the time to vacuum, check the computer, and be in silence. I used to listen to the radio in the car, but if both girls fall asleep, I just sit in the silence and drink it in.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I am getting to the point where I don't want to listen and end up tuning my dd out. I want to be there for her, but it is hard for me.

Thanks!

[ZenMamaJen]

I have the same problem; and unfortunately no advice, just commiseration! DD talks a lto and yells, whcih makes me incredibly edgy. I enjoy silence, too.

It's really hard for me in public, because dd will talk to EVERYBODY, and I just want to blend into the woodwork.

[lisalou]

I've always felt a little guilty that I was hoping for an introverted daughter and even though I have one at times it can be a bit much.

The way introverted and extroverted was explained to me is it boils down to how you recharge. Introverts recharge being alone doing something solitary and extraverts recharge being around other people. You obviously need some recharge time.

You need to carve some daily recharge time for yourself. Can your husband watch the kids for more than 10-15 min? Could he give you a Saturday morning or another morning once a month where he takes them out? My other thought is if you have a Quaker meeting near you (I don't know what your religious beliefs are) you might consider that. 45 min of silence to be in your own thoughts every Sunday might be good and a lot of meetings have childcare for the younger children who cannot sit in silence. I always feel very recharged after meeting.

Also, even if you can't change the time you have alone, try not to do housework for both of those breaks. Go read a book a chapter of a book for one of them or some other solitary activity that recharges you. I know using those breaks to get caught up on work doesn't leave me feeling recharged. At most I might feel a little caught up.

If I were feeling this way I'd talk to my husband and just explain. My husband is an introvert too and we're good at sensing when the other needs some recharge time. You didn't say if both of your girls are extraverts but if your husband is one and the other girl isn't maybe even him just taking the extravert for a long period of time each day would be helpful to you.

Most importantly

[mamasaurus]

Originally Posted by manzanitamomma

I usually have about an hour in the morning with her little sister before she gets up. But she is usually up until midnight, so there is little alone time for me before bed.

Just a little confused with the sentences here - which one is up until midnight? The extroverted DD or the little sister? I'm having some thoughts about it, but before I share them, I want to be sure I know which child is the night-owl.

[Jenaka]

I feel for you 'manzanitamama'. I also have a very extroverted daughter and I prefer to just stay at home alone.

Like 'lisalou' stated, it's all about how you and her recharge. I have found that I need about an hour a day by myself. If I don't get that time, I notice myself getting really inpatient with DD and DH. My husband is finally getting this and has really helped out. It also helps that he is also a extrovert. If he is not available, my parents or inlaws are usually available and DD loves to be with them anyway. I have found even going to the mall or park and letting her interact with others helps me too.

Do you have any relatives or friends who you're comfortable with and who would be willing to take care of your DC while you get some recharge time? (Time that is just for you!!)

[Alana]

We have the same situation. I have 3 non stop talkers, who want to know about everything...when we are in public they will start conversations with anyone within earshot....all 3 will attack a unsuspecting adult, talk at the same time about whatever in on their mind...and the adult looks rather overwhelmed. I like to be alone....I have a great need to have alone time....if I dont get some every day...Im a WRECK. My dh works 60-80 hrs a week, and that adds a whole new dimension, as I am the sole caregiver for much of the time. I dont have much advice for you....im at the point where I think I need a 2wk vacation....alone....somewhere very quiet and away from all people before I can stop feeling so overwhelmed.

[megincl]

I'm so happy for this thread!!!!!

I've always said that I need some sort of support group for introvert parents of extrovert children. Sometimes I just can't answer another question or engage in another conversation with DS. He seems to experience and get to know the world through talking (constantly!) while I like to take things in more quietly. It is a challenge to meld the two of those together. And I know that part of responding to his needs is being a bit more verbal than I am comfortable. And I think he must learn from my somewhat quieter ways.

But boy is it a challenge sometimes! : That smiley is exactly how I feel around bedtime somedays....

Be well,
megin

[manzanitamomma]

Thanks for all the support! It sounds like I need to carve out some more time for myself (Alana, 2 weeks sounds great for getting back to a happy place!!!), but I bet even an hour a day could help.

Mamasaurus, my extrovert is the one up until midnight. She has always been a night owl, since she was born....awake around 10-11 am, asleep around midnight. I am more of an early riser, so my dh usually stays up with her.

I wish we had someone else for my extrovert to play with. She is VERY attached to me, so it is hard for me to leave her withour her feeling hurt and betrayed. Every once in a while I have an appt I have to go to alone (I love the 2-3 hours of quiet space), and she is hurt for the rest of the day. She definitely needs to interact, but she prefers to do it with me. Maybe she isn't a classical extrovert.

[bobandjess99]

I hear you. I love to be alone, reading....dd wants constant attention.
I second the getting dh to watch the kids, but for more that a few minutes each day.
Remember that if you aren't happy, you're going to be less of a mom. Taking more time than you currently are is very OKAY. I personally work for about 10-15 hours per week.....i HAVE to get out of the house and be an adult that little bit each week, or else I'm worthless as a mom. It's much better for my kid to have a happy mom 155 hours per week than a burnt-out mom 168 hours per week, you know?

Take and hour here, and hour there....have dh watch the kids while you go to the library or something, or have him take them to the park or something, while you get to stay home.
You deserve more than 15 minutes.

[~member~]

Originally Posted by manzanitamomma

Does anyone have any suggestions? I am getting to the point where I don't want to listen and end up tuning my dd out. I want to be there for her, but it is hard for me.

Thanks!

Are there any programs in your area for your child to attend? My oldest dd has always been an extrovert. If she doesn't have another human being to interact with she goes : .

We have park programs here that meet for an hour or two and are either free or very low cost. She gets to interact with 3-5 other kids and there is 2 'teachers' and they do anything from just getting to play on the equipment to doing art projects, dancing, etc.

[Starflower]

I think you're getting some good suggestions here. It really helps me to have DH take DD somewhere out of the house. If I am around, she will find me. And sometimes I just need to not be needed!

When they go out for an excursion, I am always amazed at how quiet it is here. I love it! Now that I type this, I'm not sure why I don't arrange for this type of break more often.

[witchbaby]

i'm another introvert with a VERY social little girl. k is 2.5 and LOVES to be around people. she thrives at parties, bbqs and meetings, she loves to be around other kids and adults alike. i am VERY shy and have a hard time even leaving the house for much more than grocery shopping. she goes completely bonkers if she can't get out much during the day and, really, i'd much rather stay home. i also have a 6 month old son and dealing with them both (my early mobile boy and whirling busy girl) is tough at home, let alone in groups where i'm practically paralyzed with shyness.
my husband is very good about making sure i get some time alone. he works 7am to 3:30pm monday through friday and tries his best to give me some time alone every evening and that i get at least a few hours "off" on the weekends. he bought me yoga classes for mother's day, which has really helped me in terms of associating with other people.
we're planning on a membership to our local children's museum-- k has been a few times and loves it. i really think getting her out and busy in the morning might save me in the afternoons (when i really get stressed, that stretch of time between naptime-- they rarely nap at the same time-- and waiting for my husband to get home), since she can get out more of her extroversion and be a little more mellow for her poor little introvert mama.

[vivalamama]

I could have written this post! I'm not introverted in the sense of being terribly shy, but do need quiet time ALONE to recharge, and my dd1 (5) talks and wants to interact non-stop. It is exhausting and I do feel guilty about it as well. She also has a hard time if I leave her. I have found that dh taking her out somewhere is waaay more acceptable to her than me leaving. If I leave, she feels abandoned and cries, but if they go somewhere, it's a special treat. I've been going to yoga once a week in the mornings (class starts before she gets up), and that has been helpful, and when I get it together to go to bed early and can wake up early to have time to myself before my dds wake up I feel so much more peaceful and able to handle her needs better. Also, she doesn't nap anymore, but I do have her take a rest time where she reads alone in her room for a while. That alone time is as much for me as it is for her 'rest'.

I'm having a hard time with the talking to strangers thing. I don't want to discourage her from being outgoing, but what do you do when your extrovert child tries talking to people as you're driving slowly through the parking lot? Or in the grocery store as some poor unsuspecting soul is just trying to get a loaf of bread in peace? Sorry, not to hijack your thread!!!

anyway- good luck! we do need to take care of ourselves too!

[mamasaurus]

Originally Posted by manzanitamomma

Mamasaurus, my extrovert is the one up until midnight. She has always been a night owl, since she was born....awake around 10-11 am, asleep around midnight. I am more of an early riser, so my dh usually stays up with her.

Originally Posted by manzanitamomma

But she is usually up until midnight, so there is little alone time for me before bed.

My dh sometimes watches both girls for 10- 15 minutes a couple times a day. I use the time to vacuum, check the computer, and be in silence.

Thanks for clarifying which one is the night owl!

I'm a little confused by how much help your DH is offering with her. On the one hand, you said 10-15 minutes a couple times a day. But then you said that he ususally stays up with her at night.

What I'm mulling over is this - do you think you might be willing to gently help her change her sleep times to something like awake sometime between 6:30-8am and asleep by 7-8pm? I know this is not a great topic on Mothering - many parents want to let their children naturally follow their own sleeping habits and consider ANY intervention "sleep-training".

But, since I have been in your shoes with a similiar DD, who would gladly stay up until 11pm and talk my ear off the whole time , I'm just bringing up the idea. Hope you understand and hear me out. I, too, am very introverted and CRAVE my quiet time each day.

You are the early riser, but is your little one awake, too? Then I don't see how you are getting that "re-charge" time that you might need at that time of day. In the evening, DD is up with you and DH. I bet that even if he is watching her, she is constantly running to you and checking in with you all evening. Just thinking of my own DD... And also, you and DH don't get any time to yourselves as well.

When my DD was going through this where she was up until 11pm, I looked at her overall sleeping/naps situation, and decided to gently try to eliminate her nap. It was happening late in the afternoon, about 3-5pm. Then she would be up late. So we started keeping her awake in the afternoon, by playing with her, providing a snack, moving dinner earlier, moving the whole bedtime routine earlier. It was hard, I won't deny it. She was very cranky and all, but it just took a few days, and being VERY gentle and understanding of her, and she transitioned to the earlier bedtime.

Now, dinner is at 5pm, bath at 6pm, milk and stories on the couch with Mom, Dad and sister at 6:45pm, to the bedroom at 7pm, say goodnight to little sister, more stories with Dad while Mom nurses sister, then Mom comes in and finishes up stories, songs, hugs and kisses and then good night. She is usually asleep by 7:45pm.

That sounds so incredibly easy, but I guarantee you it was a bit of trial and error to get there. Really, it wasn't too bad. DH and I just needed to sit down and figure out what we needed as a FAMILY for sleeping and evening routines. And we decided we were not going to be child-centered, but family-centered. Our DD#1 got Mommy ALL day, and DH and I had NO time together and I had no time to myself in the evening. So we felt DD's needs for Mommy were being met, hands down, but that DH and I were not having our needs met. So we decided to change things, albeit gently for DD's sake.

Anyway, sorry for writing so much. The topic is near and dear to my heart. I am all for children being able to follow their own leads and do what comes naturally to them, but there comes a point when the family as a whole needs to be considered. If one family member is getting their needs met to the detriment of the others, then personally I think a shift should happen.

Best of luck!

edited for spelling

[lisalou]

mamasaurus great post. Exactly what I was thinking. And yoga class is another great way to get some alone time as well. Good luck to all of you you have my sympathies. I have to admit that this is part of the reason we're not having more than 1 child.

[manzanitamomma]

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your thoughts and situations.

Mamasaurus, I would love for my dd to have an earlier bedtime. She has already given up the nap, but maybe a set routine would help. It certainly wouldn't hurt. I know that the times that daddy is not around to stay up with her after I choose to go to bed, she goes to bed with me. He has been gone for long stretches of time (months) and she has settled into a 9 pm - 9am sleep pattern with me. Now that we have her little sister, our lives are more chaotic and she hasn't had a usual sleeptime. If I can get them both to bed by 9, maybe I can have some time to myself or with dh!
I appreciate your thoughtfulness!

I used to love yoga - pre-motherhood, and it sounds like that works for a lot of you, so I'll see what is available near me.

CKinAK, you are right about how she finds it ok to leave me. Maybe I can convince dh to take both girls somewhere once a week.... As far as talking to strangers, I try to explain to her the boundaries for acceptable social behaviors and the "whys" behind them. My dd is very reasonable and keenly interested in rules, so this usually works. I don't have any other ideas, sorry.

[BathrobeGoddess]

I have a very extroverted child who is now an 11 year old 6th grader. I can tell you what helped me over the years.

For my dd, she craved ritual so the key to getting her to go to bed was to make it at the same time each night and everything in the same order. She still does everything in the same order when she is getting ready for bed. My dd also had a very hard time winding down so when I discovered books on tape, for her to listen to while in bed, that really helped a lot. She still listens to "stories" while falling asleep. Funny thing too was that once we got the bedtime thing under control she went back to napping and napped until she was 6...I know that is something very unusual but hey if it happened to me

If you are planning to send her to school, you will get some down time then. Maybe you could find a program that is in the afternoons while your other dc sleeps...then you can get that nap time break that Dr Sears called 'our link to sanity'

[mamasaurus]

Originally Posted by BathrobeGoddess

For my dd, she craved ritual so the key to getting her to go to bed was to make it at the same time each night and everything in the same order.

I agree with this. My DD loves everything done in the same order. I don't know if she is even aware of it, but it's something that I sort of figured out along the way. Routine, routine, routine. If anything gets out of order in the evening routine, it's the beginning of things falling apart and bedtime not going well. I mean, sometimes things just happen and you can't avoid the routine changing - someone gets sick, or "whatever" happens. But we try our darndest to keep that routine in order and on time.

[lovemysunshine]

I'm in the same boat...

:

[ColoradoMama]

Originally Posted by manzanitamomma

I wish we had someone else for my extrovert to play with. She is VERY attached to me, so it is hard for me to leave her withour her feeling hurt and betrayed. Every once in a while I have an appt I have to go to alone (I love the 2-3 hours of quiet space), and she is hurt for the rest of the day. She definitely needs to interact, but she prefers to do it with me. Maybe she isn't a classical extrovert.

Girl, I can totally relate! I don't have time to read all the posts now, so if I am repeating something - sorry! My oldest is a total extrovert, and some days she really wears me down. My dh is also a total extrovert - I've been know to say that he "sucks the life out of me!" Anyway, one thing we do, is dh spends special time with her. They have "daddy-daughter dates." He takes her to the store. Right now they're at a fish store looking at fish and tank accessories. It makes her feel really special. She is a total mama's girl, but she has a really special relationship with her daddy, too. I don't automatically step in when she is upset or hurt or whatever - I let daddy have a chance (well, at least sometimes - that one's hard!). I love the relationship that she has built with her daddy. AND it gives me time! Plus, sometimes when she tells me a story, I ask very short questions, and then pass her off to daddy. You know, "Wow, what an interesting (insert whatever). I think daddy would really like to hear that." It works really well. I don't feel like I'm putting her off. I see it as saving my sanity and nurturing her relationship with her daddy at the same time.

Another thing that I have done (well, okay it's STILL a work in progress, but getting better) is that I have made the car a quiet zone. Obviously there are times that she just HAS to talk (especially after school, but we make an exception for that time), but most of the time it's a quiet zone. That has taken a lot of gentle persuasion - it wasn't something that happened over night. I have noticed though that after a day at the park, mall, store, whatever - just have 5-20 minutes in the car, listening to music (mine - not theirs!) really rejuvenates me and gives me much more energy to be a good and patient mom.

Good luck mama! For us introverts, it is challenging have an extroverted child. You'll figure out which suggestions will work for you though!