Does anyone else feel let down by their partners?

[Serrendipity]

My oldest is now 2.5, and our youngest just turned one.

I'd never been to this board, but having recently realized I was in need of help, I came over to take a look. I took the PPD "test" in the sticky, and if I was going off what I was feeling just before/after I had the little one I scored around a 96 (40 being where you are advised to seek help). I'm sure that I went through some baby blues after my first was born, but I would say that I didn't really feel depressed until I became pregnant again - unexpectedly. I felt like I was stealing my dd's babyhood from her, or cheating on her by being pregnant so soon. I secretly hoped I would just miscarry (and what a horrible thought that is - not having my sweet little girl who's sleeping on my lap!). I got so impatient with and disconnected from my firstborn that I feel like I missed out on her whole early toddlerhood.

I'm better now (scoring more like a 38), though I'm still not where I'd like to be. I didn't even realize what was going on with me until recently, and now I'm committing to changing the way I think and I'm seeking help.

But now I keep wondering why my DH didn't notice something was wrong with me and try to be supportive or get me some help or something! I feel let down by him for so much of the way he treated me in the last year and a half, like he just completetly wasn't there when I needed him. Betrayed, almost. You know the analogy about CIO, how you wouldn't want your spouse or anyone treating you that way? I feel like he has been this whole time.

I don't want to feel like this, but I am. And since so much else of the way I've felt I've seen echoed here, I thought this would be a good place to talk about it. I've tried bringing it up with him, but he just gets defensive.

I'm at a loss.


Serendipity

[Greensleeves]

That's so tough to not feel supported by your partner when you feel this way.

Sometimes it helps if you can give more specific ways he can be supportive to you.

In our relationship, my DH was more giving and supportive, but it was hard for me to reciprocate because I didn't know what he wanted and needed from me. He finally started saying, "you know, can you tell me 'It'll be okay' when I'm down, and tell me 'Good job' or 'I'm proud of you' for some things that I do?"

That didn't come naturally to me because I grew up in a very negative/abusive home and I didn't know how to be emotionally supportive. (I don't mean that I wasn't caring, I gave a lot of spontaneous support, feedback and affection, but it was hard for me to recognize when he needed extra encouragement and attention.)

It's hard for guys sometimes because they are not usually taught that either. I'm lucky that my DH asked for what he needed specifically.

It may seem artificial or weird to your DH at first, but just tell him that's what you need to hear. And you can even ask him what he'd like to hear from you.