doctors and parenting advice

[Red Sonja]

How do you handle doctors that cross the line between medical advice and parenting advice? Doctors that want to discuss subjects that are, IMO, parenting issues and not medical issues? (sleeping arrangements, TV/screen time, discipline, etc.)

Basically, any nice, quick replies for me to have handy? (I have the vax issue covered, I just say "My religious beliefs are not up for discussion", I guess I want to figure out something along these lines.)

[Fyrestorm]

I would just stay in the same line of reasoning. Our parenting choices are working well for us and you opinion is not requested.

[lisalou]

How does it come up? I found a lot of conversations were easily averted by saying, "Yes, I've read up on the subject and we've already decided our guidelines." At least my ped I think brings stuff up b/c there are parents who ask for their ped's opinion or who are doing some of the extremes like 5 hours of tv watching. So once she knew that I knew what the official guidelines were and that I'd already made up mind she didn't push it.

[Red Sonja]

Well, it is a military hospital and they have a little checklist they want you to fill out every time concerning various issues, then the doctor brings up questions too. It's not something that I'm used to, we just moved to this area fairly recently and it is not something I encountered with our previous doctor.

[jlpumkin]

We are military as well. I have found that most doctors agree with the majority of our parenting. As long as I present myself in a knowledgable manner we don't have a problem. As for the sleeping arrangement, if I recall the question is normally "Does your child have his own bed?" I say, "Yes, absolutely" (he doesn't use it). And honestly I agree with most of the questioning. I've been a military family child care provider in the past and SOME of the parents I've had just haven't had a clue. It's really the only place that parents who don't search out info themselves can be remotely educated. The Drs don't know going in whether you are one of those or not (especially since if it's like here you have to fight to see the same one).

[captain optimism]

Originally Posted by lisalou

How does it come up? I found a lot of conversations were easily averted by saying, "Yes, I've read up on the subject and we've already decided our guidelines."

This is a good answer.

Most pediatricians give parenting advice, I think. The question is whether 1. they know their actual job, which is checking developmental milestones, diagnosing and treating childhood illnesses, and preventative care and 2. whether they will respect your right to parent as you see fit.

The phrase you want to hear is, "you are the parents and it's your decision."

But on the other hand, you do want them to inform you about all the stuff that people are telling them to make sure you know. Like your car seat, for example, or lead testing.

[UnschoolnMa]

We encountered some of this last year when my son had to go in for a routine test. The doctor was asking what my son had been up to and the answer was "Ive been playing my PS2 a lot lately." and some other stuff. He then asked about school, and when we said we were homeschoolers with no curriculum he said "Yes, but the PS2 isn't school for you is it?" all condescending and irritating. He preached a bit about screen time and soda consumption. It was annoying, and we just kept repeating our answers firmly.

[bobandjess99]

Bite me?

LOL, ok, seriously. I would say something like "you know, that shirt really doesn't go with those pants." or " that haircut should be a little different, more rounded at the back" and when s/he hesitates or says something like "what?" then you say "I'm about as interested in your opinions on parenting as you are in my opinion on fashion." or something like that.

but then again, I have been told I'm not a very nice person......

[lisalou]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

We encountered some of this last year when my son had to go in for a routine test. The doctor was asking what my son had been up to and the answer was "Ive been playing my PS2 a lot lately." and some other stuff. He then asked about school, and when we said we were homeschoolers with no curriculum he said "Yes, but the PS2 isn't school for you is it?" all condescending and irritating. He preached a bit about screen time and soda consumption. It was annoying, and we just kept repeating our answers firmly.

With childhood obesity on the rise stemming for unhealthy food consumption and lack of exercise, I dont' think your doctor was preaching from telling you how to parent but more worried from a health concern. Not all parents get it like the moms on this board. And face it he probably sees a lot more mainstream parents than people like you.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by lisalou

With childhood obesity on the rise stemming for unhealthy food consumption and lack of exercise, I dont' think your doctor was preaching from telling you how to parent but more worried from a health concern. Not all parents get it like the moms on this board. And face it he probably sees a lot more mainstream parents than people like you.

You are probably right that he sees obesity and other health risks, and I understood that. He is a doctor after all.

My problem was that after I had explained "We work on these things together. We want the kids to make thier own decisions with us there for guidance and support." or something along those lines And after we had explained how, yes for us the Play Station is "school"... that he just kept going. After I had said that we felt everything was under control and just peachy, I think he should have stopped.

[Jilian]

When DS was younger and had to go in for all his "well baby" visits, his pedi would ask things like "where does her sleep", "Is he still nursing", etc and I would just answer confidently and look the pedi in the eye when answering. She never really questioned my choices, she did ask if I was aware of the safe rules of co-sleeping and I said yes, and she ran through a few then dropped it. When we stopped vaxing she gave us hell but I had a comeback for every reason she gave for vaxing.

Just speak with confidence mama!

[sophmama]

This is where I looooorve my ped. I do get parenting advice, but it's all stuff I agree with. She comes out and says stuff that is soooo gd and respectful and we get into rather indepth discussions about it and it's all right where I'm coming from. Of course she also is super supportive of nursing well beyond 2 years, is fine with my vax choices and has all kinds of stuff on the bulletin board about pro-biotics and cool stuff. The last time I was in her office she talked to me rather extendedly about my daughter's anxiety with strangers at times and she went on and on about how it's good that she knows who she belongs with and that she's highly aware of her surroundings. She talked about children that need a level of control over their own lives and finding ways to work together with her rather than parental forcing (not that I do, she just got on the topic). She talked about discussing things with my child being my number one tool as a parent and to persuade her mentally/logically to do the things I want without using force/ coersion. It was a really cool conversation and reminded me why I drive a little extra to get to her office. The other doctors in her practice are quite a bit like her as well.

[elisent]

I just smile and say "okay, thanks!" and then go do my own thing.

Elise

[Joannarachel]

Whoooooaaa. I would NOT agree with the mamas who think it's all right to be rude to the pedi.

The fact is, MOST parents ask their pediatricians for parenting advice. It's part and parcel of the job for them. And there are SO many parents who haven't a clue out there. For example, it's never OCCURRED to them that letting Junior stay up till midnight every night while watching horror movies and drinking can after can of cola just possibly might be contributing to his nightmares, kwim?

As long as your pediatrician is respectful, I see no reason to be unkind.

[witchbaby]

Originally Posted by elisent

I just smile and say "okay, thanks!" and then go do my own thing.

Elise

heh, that's what i do. it's a bit harder with the fil ped, but i've shut him up on numerous occassions with "thank you, we'll think about it." it may not sound like standing up for myself, but it gets me out of the office faster than arguing.

[wildmonkeys]

It doesn't bother me at all. Drs see a wide range of parents and children - they are often a safety net for kids whose parents aren't well informed and may be making very dangerous choices for their children. I have happily told them that I have read up on the subject and we are impressed with the "X" or "Y" approach and we prefer to approach sleep, food, tv time, etc. that way.

BJ
Barney & Ben

[limabean]

I think many doctors are beginning to take a more whole-patient approach to healthcare, rather than doing symptom-specific treatment, and I'm all for that. Lifestyle factors *do* ultimately have an effect on health, and the doctor needs a large, coherent picture of the patient's life to be able to give informed care.

If your pediatrician doesn't have the same views/values as you, by all means shop around for someone who does, but hopefully that new doctor will ask all kinds of questions too (and will just have more suitable advice for your taste).

[claras_mom]

I'd rather have a ped who is looking at the whole picture than one who isn't. I haven't experienced anything that would cross the line from information into badgering...that's where it could get annoying.

One of the things that just amazes me--I was thinking about this because dd recently had her 18 month checkup--is that for the first year, we filled out a questionaire every time we went in. Eating habits, formula or breastmilk, what solid foods, if any, sleeping arrangements, developmental milestones, etc. The questionaires stopped after the 12 month visit.
I've seen mamas on this board talk about peds giving unsolicited advice about extended breastfeeding; my ped isn't even aware that Clara still is, because he doesn't ask.

I don't know where this is going, really. I like our ped. He's a good guy; young, with a small child of his own; just startled me that at the magic one-year mark all questions ceased. But I also know--because we asked up front, before Clara was born--that his philosophy is to support parents in their choices.

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by elisent

I just smile and say "okay, thanks!" and then go do my own thing.

me too

I know I am not there for parenting advice but I'm aware it's part of their routine to ask question and share their information. It's a bit annoying to me but then I realize that many parents ASK their peds about these concerns which is something I would never do. I barely trust their medical advice so it's not like I care how they think I should raise my child.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

I barely trust their medical advice so it's not like I care how they think I should raise my child.

Why even go to an allopathic doctor if you have such a low opinion of them? Why not shop around for one who shares your philosophy, or try seeing a nurse practitioner instead (NPs often have a quite different patient-care style than MDs), or seek complementary/alternative treatment instead?

I like to find healthcare providers from whom I get the feeling that we're on the same side -- it shouldn't be an "us" and "them" thing. If I didn't respect my doctor or care what she thought, what would be the point of going?