Question for AP moms

[APMomOfKimmyN-Maya]

Are there any moms practicing AP with a child other than their first? I am trying to find some other parents in my situation for support. I had a baby girl 5 yrs ago. I was young, didn't have a lot of information besides what my mother was giving me. I didn't know any better so I let her CIO very early, and made her sleep in a crib, and i formula fed her, and i vaxed her even though I had no idea what was in the vaxes and just did it because everyone did it. I pushed her to be independent since that is the quality that seemed most important when everyone was giving me advice. I worked full time and had her in daycare. At the time I thought I was doing just fine. Then I got pregnant with #2 I quit my job and I found some online forums and read some things.
When #2 was born in March 2006- I started my parenting method overhaul by attempting to breastfeed her and by cosleeping since I felt those things were th right things to do. Then I researched vaxes and decided I was against getting them for my baby. Now I'm cloth diapering and buying organics and just really transforming due to all the things I have read.
I am proud of myself for being able to realize the way I was parenting before was ignorant and putting 100% of myself into doing better this time around.
The problem is the constant comparisons and guilt I feel over not having known better with #1. I don't know how to get over it. I constantly feel like #1 was my guinea pig child and I really messed her up by pushing her to be independent and not meeting her needs and making her feel secure. She has a lot of behavior problems now and I always sit and wonder if it's because of vax damage or the fact that I never indulged her early childhood needs by cosleeping when she cried for me or by breastfeeding.
My 2nd baby is the easiest baby I have ever met. she rarely cries over anything, only fusses when tired.
I know I can't change the past and I need to accept that I did the best I could with what information I knew was available but I also would love to hear some suggestions from other moms who may be in my situation about what I should do now AFTER THE FACT to make my 1st daughter feel more secure and indulged.
She sees me cosleeping with the new baby and wonders why I didn't do that with her, she sees me breastfeed the baby and wonders why I didn't do it with her. I had considered letting her sleep with me now at 5 since she still whines some nights about sleeping alone, but my husband doesn't think that would be a good idea since she will be starting kindergarten in Fall and he thinks she should be sleeping in her own bed and getting restful sleep.
I don't want to look at my daughter and feel like I just did so many things wrong with her that there's no way to make up for it. I feel like I need to do something major to undo the damage i did by making her feel she had to be so independent.Is there any way to apply AP after 5 yrs of not applying AP? Can anyone relate? Is there a better forum to post this in?
TIA for any comments.
Samantha

[Joannarachel]

I made many 'mainstream' mistakes with my first born that I have now corrected, and my second born is a fully attachment parented

The first child is a guinea pig of sorts in ALL families, not just AP ones. I can attest to this...I was a firstborn, and my parents were whatever AP is NOT

I would disagree with your husband about the co-sleeping. Part of attachment parenting is being responsive to your children's needs at ANY age. With a big change coming up in here life...going to kindy...this would be an ideal time allow her to co-sleep, giving her a place to seek your comfort as the world gets bigger for her. You can also push a twin sized bed right next to your bed if you are worried about her needing her own space to sleep well.

When you know better, you DO better, mama. And that's what you are doing

[EStraiton]

Hi there! I'm a mom to three girls and another baby girl due in September.
I have a 12 y/o and I was young and unmarried when she was born. I didnt know anything I know now about AP, etc. and did the best I could with what I knew then.

Do I regret not breastfeeding her? Yes I do now.... I also regret so so many other things but I try not to live in the past and try to focus on the here and now.

The good news is that it is NEVER too late to AP your child. As a young child, I remember my oldest to be very crabby and irritable.. Now I realize that many of her needs were not being met and I didnt even know it. Yes I feel guilty BUT! I also feel proud that I found **my way** while she was still a child (and your dd is still a very young child!)...

My 12 y/o now has witnessed me AP two other children and AP her emotionally through a lot of not fun preteen stuff. I dont even think she would consider not breastfeeing or cloth diapering her baby when she grows up because that is what she sees me doing with her siblings now. She doesn't remember what types of diapers she wore or where she slept when she was a toddler... I dont even think she remembers our first house. But she is extremely well adjusted.. gets straight A's and is a kind, happy and loving girl. My change in parenting made a change in her.. it took time but it shows now. I would say it took a few years.

If she was to ask I would be very honest with her... that it took me a long time to evolve into the parent I am now... and I'm constantly learning and growing. I do the best I can with what I know... and I love my girls. That's what really matters.

Be the best mother you can to your children now.. with the knowledge you NOW know. And be very proud of yourself .. your children are lucky to have a mom who has learned so much and can offer them so much. Many children grow up without any AP methods at all.

xoxo

[Alkenny]

I was 19 when I had my DD and I practiced some CIO and the like, but gave up when it wasn't working for us. Everytime we have had a meltdown (she's much more melodramatic than either of her brothers), I have wondered if it had anything to do with my parenting practices back then or if it's just her being a teenager, so I can certainly relate to how you're feeling.

[cmb123]

You did for your daughter what you thought was the best for her with what you knew at the time. That is the best any of us can do at any given time.
What is really cool is that you have new information now, and are trying new ways, and following your instincts and what feels right to you now. I think that is awesome, it takes a lot of guts.
Just think, even though you are regretting some of the choices you made for your first, she still has a whole lifetime of benefiting from your "new" way of doing things. Just the fact that you can say to her- "gee, I think I have found a 'better' way for our family to do things" is showing her a level of honesty from you, and showing her that just because you've been doing things one way- you can always start over. I think that is a really valuable lesson to teach, as so many people get stuck in ruts, and don't realize they can really "start over" at anytime.
Try if you can to look at your regrets as learning tools for yourself. Without having done them, you may not be where you are now. It's all good. Life is a learning process. Mistakes are opportunities for growth and learning. They have brought you to where you are today.
Ok, I've become a walking cliche My point really is just that I think you rock

[CalebsMama05]

my situation is a little different...my ds#1 is NOT ap...he is so very independent it makes me sad. I do have to work full time as I'm a single mama (semi newly) and he will also have to go to daycare as I have no other options...i just wanted to say taht i don't consider this to be *nonAP* i realize you probably didn't mean to refer to it that way but for those of us AP mama's who don't have a choice it kind of feels like a slap...like we're not *really* ap kwim?

anyways...he slept through the night at 4 wks and by the time he was 12wks old he COULD NOT sleep in bed with me. he would scream and kick and whatnot. 5 minutes after me putting him in his *bed* (i had planned to cosleep so he sleeps in teh pack'n'play) he would be blissfully sleeping. he self weaned at 16wks (nipple preference) he hates the sling. generally all around not a very dependent boy. I still have the AP ATTITUDE as in he IS a person and has feelings etc but he's too independent for most AP things although he is still Cloth Diapered. I am planning to be as AP with ds#2 as possible whenever he gets here but they will be so close in age that i'm not sure ds#1 will understand that the new baby gets things he won't. and its not like he *can't* have them just that he doesn't *want* them

sry if this makes no sense or is no help LoL.