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Need help!!!

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
Here's some background:

DSDs live primarily wth biomom, but are with us one day a week and every other weekend. For about a year while DSD2 was going through the "terrible twos" biomom would call us and ask us to please take DSD2 away because she couldn't "handle" her. We refused to seperate the girls, and she refused to give up DSD1 because she was an angel.

Fastforward to now, when DSD2 is 4. Things have gotten progressively better over the last 2 years, to the point that biomom only rarely calls to complain about DSD2.

DSD2 developed strep throat last week and was prescribed antibiotics to be taken three times/day for 10 days. Before I picked the girls up from daycare on Wednesday, I stopped by biomom's office to pick up the meds. Biomom told me that her bf (M) had to spank DSD2 to get her to take her medicine the night before because she refused to take her meds and just stood there screaming.

When I picked the girls up, I told DSD2 that I really needed her to take her meds so that she could play with the baby, and because I didn't want her to miss out on her trip to FL with biomom this weekend. I also said, "I heard M had to spank you to get you to take your medicine." She said, "Yeah, and then I was crying so he smacked my face."

I was absolutely speechless, and appalled, and felt nauseous at the thought of someone, anyone, slapping my baby...any baby, but particularly one who I've watched grow up for the last three years and who calls me "Mommy".

So what do I do? I felt sickened in sending her back to her biomom. I told DH, but he didn't get a chance to talk to biomom about it before they left for FL on Friday. In her defense, we don't know for sure that she knew M slapped DSD2. But what if she did know? She's said in the past that spanking both girls is the only way to "control" them. Personally, we just ask them to do things and explain why it's important, and it gets done.

I'm honestly worried about DSD2's safety in that house!! HELP!
post #2 of 7
I personally would have to talk w/ biomom soon. Slapping in the face is unacceptable IMO, it doesn't matter who did it - it matters that it was done to a child you love. I would explore the possibility of taking custody if the situation wasn't resolved to my satisfaction - i.e everyone involved admitted culpability and promised it would never happen again. Hugs
post #3 of 7
I agree, hitting a child's face is not "spanking", it's assult IMO. I would definitely make a very big deal about it to bio-mom & her bf. :
post #4 of 7
I would relax and ASK the bm what happened instead of being in a twit and freaking out and assuming.

You may find the child has not relayed the whole story.

I would think long and hard about times when you didn't parent as well as you ought to have- I know you have those moments, we all do.

Then with those moments in mind I would ask her what happened. If you are not accusing and stay calm and in a "problem solving " mode with her you might be able to coach her on a better way to handle a freaking screaming kid- those of us who were slapped as kids at those moments have had to learn a new way to react. You can help her learn or be agressive and ensure she continues- in which case court will be your best recourse.
post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
I would relax and ASK the bm what happened instead of being in a twit and freaking out and assuming.

You may find the child has not relayed the whole story.

I would think long and hard about times when you didn't parent as well as you ought to have- I know you have those moments, we all do.

Then with those moments in mind I would ask her what happened. If you are not accusing and stay calm and in a "problem solving " mode with her you might be able to coach her on a better way to handle a freaking screaming kid- those of us who were slapped as kids at those moments have had to learn a new way to react. You can help her learn or be agressive and ensure she continues- in which case court will be your best recourse.
Maybe I'm just over-tired from being up with the new baby, but that response came across as very condescending. I understand you are trying to be helpful, but your post read as more judgemental than anything, IMO.

As I said in my original post, "In Biomom's defense, we don't know that she knew for sure that M slapped DSD2" We do plan on asking her about it, and will of course act like adults and not "twits". The last thing we need in this situation is a confrontation.

I'm not sure what more of a story we need to hear from DD to make slapping her in the face okay. Would she have to have hit him first to deserve being slapped? Or maybe if she spit on him it would be okay? She wouldn't make up a story like that; she just doesn't have it in her to be vindictive and try and get someone in trouble. And she's smart enough to know that if she told us an adult hit her, there would be repercussions for that adult. Or anyone, for that matter.

And of course there have been times that I have lost my temper and been a less than stellar mother. However, I have never, and never would, slap my child, or any other. The most those children have ever received from either DH or I is a swift swat on the bottom and a terse "NO".

Again, I understand you felt you were being helpful (at least I assume you were trying to help) but when someone has a post entitled "Help" you may try to have more compassion in your writing and less degradation.
post #6 of 7
sehbub. I thought I was the one being a fly off the handle twit. My perspective is that of safety and when it comes to the safety of my kids I will go 'right there'. My kids are not currently visiting their BD because of many situations that their safety was put into jeopardy. Anyhow, have you & your dh explored the idea of custody? I can't imagine being in the position to send DSD2 back after the bm behavior of not being able to 'handle' her, but I understand that it wasn't a choice either If custody is an option I would persue it - just IMHO.
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
We have considered it in the past, but didn't really have concrete grounds (other than a queasy feeling in my stomach) until now, and didn't want to draw the kids in to a messy legal battle. They're young enough that they don't ever remember their parents living together, and don't remember anything about the divorce, or any of the acrimonious words between DH and biomom.

We may have to if things don't change. DH wants to ask biomom for her word that she will seek counseling and never raise a hand to the girls again. And he wants her to choose between her bf and the kids. He's trying to figure out how best to word it so as to not come across as an attack, but rather to show how genuinely worried he is about the kids and, frankly, biomom's safety. If the bf is willing to slap a 4 year old, what's to say he won't slap biomom? Or the 6 year old?

Ugh. It gives me chills just thinking about it.
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