Feeling guilty...

[rolenta]

I've always been prone to depression and I've been on celexa for a while, so I was really expecting myself to get PPD really bad (I got near suicidal during my pregnancy and I just thought it'd be worse after the baby was born and I had all that stress) but I've actually been pretty good. Better than when I was pregnant, even, but I'm definitely experiencing some severe anxiety. I had my baby less than a month ago and ever since he was born I feel guilty all the time. The first ten or so times that I slept, I cried myself to sleep because I felt guilty that I wasn't watching Isaac and whenever he was lying in his bed sleeping I'd just stare at him feeling guilty that I wasn't actively caring for him. So a few days ago my brother-in-law approached me and asked if I was feeling alright (he has suffered from depression and so feels very sympathetic towards others who suffer from it) and he really wanted to help me and today he and his wife came over and cleaned my apartment while I took care of Isaac. They really cleaned it top to bottom and it was down right dirty to begin with, so they really out did themselves. The problem is, now I feel so guilty that I feel even worse than before... Argh! Anyone else feel this guilty all the time? How do you deal with it?

[Greensleeves]

[mimid]

BTDT, still going through it. For me it is that I can't do everything for all my girls. That I need a nanny and often a third person to help. Then there is the guilt over my bf'ing relationship and supply issues. I never got all my milk in, but was doing better when they were in the NICU. When they got home, I was the sole caregiver for them and couldn't spend the time focussing on bf'ing 1 babe while the other 2 cried, so I didn't. And when I have 2 in the swing while feeding 1 or have to use the Podees because all 3 decide to eat at the same time and I'm alone is a real killer. And lets not even get into feeling touched out and numb at the end of a particularly hard day.

For me, I've found that focussing on 1 thing I can do for them and doing it helps. I am the only one who can provide bm for them and it is one of the biggest sources of guilt for me, so I am really working on getting my supply up. It also helps that sh will thank me for doing what is good for our girls.

In other words, I have no clue. I hope you find something that works for you and can begin to enjoy your little boy!

[megjo]

I don't know what to say but I'm feeling for you! What a nice brother in law to clean the house. And don't feel guilty about that, especially if it made him feel better for doing it!! Take the help. When you are feeling more yourself, you'll be able to thank them.

The first ten or so times that I slept, I cried myself to sleep because I felt guilty that I wasn't watching Isaac and whenever he was lying in his bed sleeping I'd just stare at him feeling guilty that I wasn't actively caring for him.

Just a question: Are you sure this is guilt? Could this be more anxiety related?

[rolenta]

Just a question: Are you sure this is guilt? Could this be more anxiety related?

Actually, it probably is anxiety. I've been taking meds for anxiety since before I became pregnant. I guess I didn't associate the two because usually when I become overly anxious, I have panic attacks where I can't breathe and sometimes I cut myself. That hasn't happened since I've had the baby, but today I feel really close.

Last night I was feeling really really stressed, like I needed time away from my baby or I'd just freak out or something, so I asked my mom to watch him while I took my dog to the dog run, which is very calming for me. Then I called my husband and told him what I was doing and he got annoyed saying it was too late to take the dog for a walk and I shouldn't try to push the baby on other people anyway. So I asked if he wanted to go on a walk with me and we could take the baby and he said no. Well, I didn't think it was worth having him be mad at me so I decided to just take a nap instead, but he wouldn't watch the baby while I took a nap. He said if I wanted to go to bed I had to take the baby with me and to stop trying to push the baby on him. Well, I basically just spent the whole evening crying and I keep getting progressively more angry. I'm angry at my husband for not letting me have time away from the baby and mad at the baby every time he cried. I feel terrible saying this, but I even felt the urge to hit him or abandon him, especially when I try to breastfeed him (I have to use a nipple shield) and he keeps crying and not latching on and flailing his arms so that he pulls the nipple shield off and pinches my nipples. I feel like I'm useless and dangerous to my baby and I have repeated thoughts of abandoning him, because in a way, I think he'd be better off. I also have thoughts of killing myself, but that's nothing new since I was thinking about it the whole pregnancy.

I feel so lonely and angry. :

[Nora'sMama]

Heidi ~ you really need support right now. I would definitely go see your doc and/or counselor to talk about adjusting medications, because this level of anxiety is not healthy. Until you can get an appointment, BREATHE. You are the perfect mom for your baby, but it is HARD WORK taking care of a little baby. Your DH needs to step up. Everyone needs a break. It can feel very confining to be BF a newborn but there is NO REASON your DH can't watch the baby for a few minutes while you take the dogs or go for a walk or whatever. Please be good to yourself. Your baby knows you are there for him and will not abandon him. I think these types of thoughts are fairly common. I had major anxiety after my DD was born and never sought help, although I probably should have - but I never thought of killing myself - that is serious, and needs to be addressed. Since you are already on meds I think you should definitely be in touch with whoever is prescribing them.

Take care of yourself, please!

ETA - I also had to use a nipple shield for the first few weeks with DD and I *HATED* that thing. Hated it. Hated it. BUT...the good news is most of the time they can eventually wean off it. Try giving the naked boob after your baby's hunger has already been satiated a little bit. Eventually you can start trying at the beginning of a feed. Just remember that you are doing such good things for your sweet baby by using the shield, by being there for him.

Postpartum hormones are ROUGH. I just read your siggy and it looks like your ds is only 3 days old? These awful feelings are pretty normal at that point. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't address them with your HCP, but it might make you feel better to know that this happens to many people.

[Gale Force]

Originally Posted by rolenta

I've always been prone to depression and I've been on celexa for a while, so I was really expecting myself to get PPD really bad (I got near suicidal during my pregnancy and I just thought it'd be worse after the baby was born and I had all that stress) but I've actually been pretty good.

rolenta -- you do have PPD really bad right now. Maybe it is more on the anxiety side, but everyone has different sorts of symptoms and your own symptoms can change over time, as they already have. You've been down this road before. Do you have professional people you can call? I am really glad you have support from your BIL and sister. Bless their hearts for recognizing this and helping you and I hope you will be able to receive more of their help so that you can get better soon. Perhaps your brother-in-law can talk to your husband. When you are feeling a little better, you might try to see if that can get worked out.