or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Queer Parenting › Obtaining fresh sperm when you have no male friends??
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Obtaining fresh sperm when you have no male friends??

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I want to get pregnant, and I strongly want fresh sperm, because:

A) I can't afford frozen
B) frozen sperm seems to produce many more boys than girls, and I really want a girl

The problem is, I literally only have one male friend, and he's not a sperm donor candidate. How in the world do lesbians in my situation find fresh sperm?? It's not really something you take out a personal ad for, is it??
post #2 of 12
I'll be honest with you, if you can not afford $500 a month for AI then you can not afford a child as a single woman. That also a pretty cheap cost when you consider the grief its saving you in legal fee's and court battles because the donor changed his mind which is all to common with known donors. Yes it does work out often but just as often it doesn't and leads to heart break for all. There's also the fact that unless you have a job that allows you to telecommute full time you will need to use daycare and that will run you at least $500 a month and if you live in a larger city $800-$1k for decent daycare. These little buggers are not cheap and I've found that if you can't afford the cycles every month then you can't afford one of these little guys. Just my experience..

Satori *who managed to get prego with a cycle that only ran $350 including swimmers and now wishes the kiddo was that cheap a month
post #3 of 12
I understand where you are coming from. We chose frozen sperm for some of the reasons Satori mentioned, but we also realize that the more money we spend on sperm, the less we have once the child comes. We know that while we are in a financially tight situation right now, we won't be in the future. (We both are students for a few more months, at least.)
On the other hand, I don't know if I can help you.
I have heard of having friends of friends of friends be go-betweens, so that anonymity is protected. I am trying to remember if Rachel Pepper's or Toevs & Brill's books talk about this at all. I've read about it somewhere, I'm just not sure where, at the present time.
Using fresh sperm is risky, in terms of AIDS, etc. as well. There is NEVER a guarantee it is safe -- no matter how hard you try.
I wish you luck finding a solution that works.
ps: and no matter what, you are not guaranteed a daughter. For me 'a' child (girl or boy) is better than none at all. I realized that I needed to come to terms with this before we began TTC.
post #4 of 12
As the previous poster said, there is no guarantee of a girl. Period. And frozen sperm stats are a lot less "boy heavy" than they used to be.

Why is it that you want a girl so bad? I would say you really need to examine your reasons for this. IMHO it's not a "good enough" reason to just use fresh sperm.

There are places you can go to find men willing to donate fresh sperm. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. I've known our donor for 8 years. That said, a lot of women feel differently. Here is a site: http://www.gayfamilyoptions.org/ that potential donors and families can meet up. I would encourage you to be careful, do legal paperwork, and lots of HIV/STI testing.

There is a wide range of prices for sperm. Some are a lot cheaper. (i.e. Midwest Sperm Bank, NW Cryo, etc)You can also save money up. Use credit cards. Etc. Etc. Most people have to do these things.

Best of luck to you!
post #5 of 12

hi there

Hi Inci
we used fresh sperm and we asked the women in our lives to ask the men in their lives for sperm. We got a friend of a friend as a donor who is fabulous, no involvement but the kids can meet him when they are older.

But I would seriously examine your ;motives for a girl. you need to be prepared for a baby - children are so precious. I LOVE my boys and I couldn't imagine being without them. Besides what more wonderful thing then to bring your boys up to respect women and to feel confident around gender issues and to challenge stereotypes. I want my boys to know that there is a range of ways to be as they grow into men.

good luck
post #6 of 12
If you want a girl badly enough it might be worth it to you to put out the extra money for sex selection, I know its $450 vial at NW Andrology but you would have to wait 6 months while its in quarantine.
post #7 of 12
I agree that the cost of frozen sperm is nothing compared with the cost of raising a child. And the more recent statistics show that frozen sperm really does produce 50/50 girls and boys. We are expecting our third boy with the same donor, but we are in touch with 15 of our kids' donor siblings (other children who were conceived with our same annonymous donor), and 8 of them are girls and 7 are boys. Of my friends who have had babies with frozen sperm, there are actually more girl than boy children. Of my friends who have used known donors, they all 3 had boys.

We initially hoped for a girl too, but after realizing that we could very easily have a boy and that we needed to be okay with that, we decided that it really didn't matter after all. We LOVE being mamas of boys.

If you feel really strongly about having a girl baby, you should think about adopting. Adopting through the state is free, and you can pick the sex of the baby.


post #8 of 12
I agree with everyone else's caveats about wanting a girl. There truly is no guarantee, not even with the expensive "sperm spinning" gender-selection process.

Having said that, I found my donor through the website that lunadoula mentioned -- gayfamilyoptions.org -- and I now have two beautiful children by him. (one of each gender, in case that matters!) He lives locally to me (Boston area) so it was easy for me to obtain the fresh stuff from him; he's also willing to ship. He has a website at http://www.knowndonor.com .

post #9 of 12
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the replies/advice, everyone.

Chlaal, thanks so much for letting me know about knowndonor.com. I've been reading through the site, and wow, it's almost too good to be true - a healthy man who is happy to travel to you to donate his fresh sperm, for free, and with no strings attached?? I'd be interested in finding out more about him, and your experience with him/his sperm/the process. Would you be willing to talk about it more via PM?
post #10 of 12
Yes, do feel free to PM me. I'm happy to answer whatever questions you have.

post #11 of 12
Inci, we also used that donor for a period of time, no children came from it though, we then moved on to frozen sperm to have our two beautiful sons. He was great to work with though, very cooperative about timing and trying multiple times in a cycle.

About knowndonor.com, we thought it was too good to be true too, but he is for real. A friend of ours had a daughter through him on October 30, 2005, she was preemie, but NOT because of him, it was her(moms) ill health(pre-eclampsia). Her daughter was born at 31 weeks and is soo healthy, despite being premature, she has no medical problems and is beautiful as well.
post #12 of 12
Thread Starter 
August, thanks so much for that! It is good to hear from/about multiple women who have had good experiences with him. I think I'm almost ready to email him and start talking about things!!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Queer Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Queer Parenting › Obtaining fresh sperm when you have no male friends??