Accused of deceiving DD

[Marion]

We're moving house. Any thoughts on how to minimise/manage any anxiety my almost 4yo dd might experience. My partner and I are both very excited about the move, it's mainly to be closer to a wonderful Steiner (Waldolf) school for dd.

My grumpy old dad made me feel very judged tonight when he used the word 'deception' to describe how I have been talking to her about the move so far.

I have told her that Mark and Ailsa, the people who are buying our current house, will be 'looking after' it for us. She had become quite distressed at the idea that we were leaving what is our home and couldn't come back. I also told her that the rental property we will be staying in is like a 'Holiday House', as it will only be temporary.

Am I decieving her, should I be telling her the blunt truth and supporting her through it? Or should I be giving her time to adjust to the idea and seperate naturally once we've moved? I am trying to find the language to help her understand in an age appropriate way what is going to be happening soon. I believe that children cannot understand just by being told something, that they have to learn it through their reality.

She is actually quite excited about moving to the new town, and possibly building a new house - she said "we'll have to get all of our friends to help build it Mummy". It's just that she wants to know she still has a connection with our old home (which is all she has ever known up to this point). I figure once we make a new home for ourselves, it wont be such a hard thing to for her to accept.

I would appreciate hearing any suggestions/experiences of people who have moved with young children.

Thanks
Marion

[Joannarachel]

Although I appreciate your desire to lessen the impact on dd, I will agree with your FIL that you are deceiving your dd, and that it actually could damage trust between you and also make the transition that much harder. Sorry, mama

[mightymoo]

When we moved cross-country with DD, I just did my best to explain things to her plainly. She was younger than your DD, and was only just getting the concept of 'buying' - but I think she did understand someone was buying our house and we would go live at grammy's, etc. She was sad but I agree I think its better not to pull the punches now - at her age, telling her someone is looking after your old house and leading her to believe this isn't a permenant thing and I think might only lead to more hurt feelings when she does realize you can't go back. She's old enough to remember and hold on to that hope that after the temporary house you'll go back to your old house.

What we did to help her with this was emphasize the fun things about the move - in our case getting to live with Grammy for a while. We made sure that DD saw the empty house after our stuff was moved out (but she was absent for the move itself - watching her stuff go into the truck would have been far too traumatic). I wanted her to see the empty house and say goodbye so she would have some closure there before we left. You might consider giving her a camera to take pictures of what she wants to remember.

We talked endlessly about the move for the month before it happened. I talked her through the steps at every opporunity - packing, moving, selling the house, unpacking, etc. I think it is important to emphasize only the HOUSE is being left behind not her belongings, her furniture, everyone in your family is coming, etc. I found DD didn't really necessarily seperate those things in her mind - she would talk about selling the doors or packing the windows, etc.

Hope that helps a bit!

[Peony]

We just moved a month ago, I was dreading it with dd, she is a child who can't stand to stay in hotels, she doesn't like anything different. I talked about it for months ahead of time, she helped me pack up all her stuff so she knew it was going with us, she got into marking her own boxes she she could find them. I talked alot about what was better in the new house, it was closer to the park, we could ride our bikes to friend's houses, there were dc living next door. DD handled it wonderfully, I did have to call my mom to come and get her on actual moving day, seeing all the boxes leave the house was too much for her. Grandma and dd spent a fun day together and when she dropped dd off, dd was fine. In fact, I kept having to go back to the old house to get the last few boxes and clean, dd didn't want to go to the old house. I didn't have to get into the buying and selling house issuse, we kept the old one and are renting it out, but dd knows that another family lives there now. Good luck.

[whateverdidiwants]

We moved 1000 miles last summer, when dd was almost 3.5, and I handled it the way that Mighty Moo did. My dd took everything much better than I thought she would, even with the truck being packed up. She hasn't even asked about the old house since we moved.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by Marion

I have told her that Mark and Ailsa, the people who are buying our current house, will be 'looking after' it for us. She had become quite distressed at the idea that we were leaving what is our home and couldn't come back. I also told her that the rental property we will be staying in is like a 'Holiday House', as it will only be temporary.

I don't think you are even being deceptive. The new people will be the custodians of your old house, as in they will take care of it as well as own it. It isn't outrageous that Mark and Ailsa would let you see the house again if you ever visited. You aren't saying you will live there again. She is excited about building a new house and presumably realizes that you will live there.

My ds is really having a hard time with goodbyes lately. He understands that someone is leaving and he won't see them for a long time, but he doesn't want to have his face rubbed in it by saying "goodbye". He would get really upset if people kept saying "you understand we won't see each other for a year" not because it would be a revelation but because he wouldn't want to dwell on it.