How do I help my 3 1/2 dd with self esteem?

[caitlinsmom]

I dont know what I want to say really but I am a little concerned with my dd. I see other kids her age (I know that doesnt really matter) and they are confident and sure of themselves. They try new things with ease, are very proud of what they accomplish, are very vocal about what they want, ect.

My dd is none of these really. She is timid. She would rather watch others try new things, always hangs out on the sidelines, plays by herself a lot. I know a lot of this could be her personality. I guess its hard to put into words its something you would have to see, there is SUCH a differance with her and others. She would rather follow what her 1yo bro does (even if it something that she knows shouldnt be done like hit the dog) that show him how to act.

Does this make sense? The odd thing is she is a really social kid (I know it doesnt sound like it) and she does well with others.

Anyway how can I help her with her confidence? After struggling with a lifetime of low/no self esteem I dont want her to struggle with that!!

[tuck]

It sounds like that is her personality. It can be a good thing, too. My son almost never plays by himself, and at times I am concerned about that.
Maybe you could help her by arranging situations where she helps you. Then thank her for her help and state directly what you appreciated. Something like helping to throw the laundry in the machine, or put groceries away. Does she help you around the house? If you verbally state the situation and lead her into "solving" the problem, she can then be reminded of it later.
What I mean is to say "boy, we have a lot of laundry! Do you think you could help me out?" Even if she throws one sock you could "appreciate" that and make her feel important. Afterwards say " thanks for helping! You really made my job easier by throwing in that sock! " If you are specific then she will be more apt to understand why it was helpful. When you tell her that because of her help you now have more time to play, that will make sense to her.
If she would understand and as she becomes more aware of how she can help, you could just say " wow, we have a LOT of food to put in the cabinet...." My son loves when I dont direct ask him to help and he surprises me with helping. He is so proud!
Narrating and predicting the behavior you hope to see might work, too. I'm thinking of the dog thing. Say "oh little brother doesnt yet know how to play with the dog. Maybe you'll be able to show him someday how the dog likes to have his belly rubbed ( or whatever). You might want to show him today, so he can play nicer. He needs his big sister to help him learn things"...She's free to ignore you if she wishes, nobody has told her what to do, and you give her the impression that you know she can help when she decides to. When you model rubbing the dog she gets a reminder of what to do, too. Hope this helps-good luck

[4evermom]

I wouldn't interpret that description of her as having anything to do with self-esteem. My ds thinks he's great but when he was younger (before he turned 4), he kept me in tow at all times, wouldn't run off with other kids, etc. He wouldn't even sit on a swing until he was 3 1/2, even though he had good physical dexterity. Now, he goes up to complete strangers and asks them their names. A couple of years ago, he would hide his head under my shirt at stores and tell me to tell everyone not to look at him.

Some kids are introverts, meaning not that they are shy, but that they need to be alone to recharge (my ds is an extrovert but I'm an introvert, and neither of us are shy). Some kids are just cautious. Some kids have trouble interacting with more than one person at a time (I think my ds is like that).

I would just let her approach situations at her own speed to promote confidence. She might feel insecure if she is verbally encouraged to do things that she doesn't feel ready for or to do things because other kids are doing them, KWIM?

[LynnS6]

I would HIGHLY recommend that you read "The Emotional Life of a Toddler" and "The Highly Sensitive Child".

It's NOT a self-esteem issue at all. It's a temperament issue. Some people's initial reaction is to dive in and see what happens. Others want to look over the situation and see. Some people's initial reaction is "new thing. Nope, not gonna do it." Other's is "New thing, GREAT!"

Our son is like that. He needs a long time to warm up. He is cautious. He is very aware of danger. He likes to watch and see what others are doing before he plunges in. He started daycare at 2 1/2 (3 x a week). It was 3-4 months before he would talk above a whisper to his teachers.

He's now 5. He still takes time to warm up, but is much 'quicker' to try new things. He's able to express his needs in words to adults, and he's good at negotiating with other children. He's got a best friend. He actually SANG "Happy Birthday" with me today for the first time EVER. (His 2 year old sister has been doing that for 6 months!)

So, what did we do to get from a timid, fearful, slow to warm up 3 year old to a confident (if quiet in large groups) 5 year old? Nothing! Well, I wouldn't say "nothing", but we didn't do anything special. We encouraged him to try new things, but gave him time to warm up. Often he needed us to be with him or very near by as he did something. We described new events to him to let him know what was going to happen, we let him stay with us as long as he felt comfortable. This means that he didn't do "classes" for kids (because after age 4, parents aren't welcome). He didn't want to stay in the church nursery until he was 4 or 4 1/2. He still doesn't talk to people he doesn't know well (great! I don't have to worry about 'stranger danger' with HIM!)

So, my advice woudl be to read up on temperament. Encourage your daughter to do new things. Accept your daughter for who she is and don't try to change her (that's woudl DEFINITELY kill her self esteem). Describe for her what she can do, what she's learned to do. Model the traits you want to see. Get her to do REAL things around the house (as a pp suggested). Knowing you have a role in the family builds self-esteem.

[caitlinsmom]

Thanks for the advice. I will check out the book mentioned. I already do all the above mentioned things but I will try them in different ways now. I am totally okay with her being reserved, quiet and timid, I just dont want those to be "symptoms" of a bad self esteem YK?

After I posted this we went to an AP meeting that we had never been too. It took her about 2 seconds to warm up to the other girls and go play. Go Figure!

After watching her play I finally put my finger on what has been bugging me and why I associated her behavior with self esteem. She is a complete follower. Anything anyone does she does. Which I suppose is good in some cases but I want her to feel confident enough to have her own ideas and not go along with others. Any thoughts/suggestions on this?

[LynnS6]

Hmm.. that's a good question. Maybe try some role playing or games at home where she has to tell YOU what to do? Playful Parenting might have some ideas or strategies for this.

Sorry, but this is definitely NOT an issue for us -- both of my kids are very strong willed (aka stubborn). Ds will just refuse to do anything he doesn't want to do -- whether it's a kid or an adult suggesting it. He spent one entire afternoon at daycare sitting next to his boots because he didn't want to put them on himself (he could, he just wanted someone else to). My entire family is like this.

I guess the question is: is it bad to be a follower? How can you teach her to listen to her own needs?

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by caitlinsmom

After watching her play I finally put my finger on what has been bugging me and why I associated her behavior with self esteem. She is a complete follower. Anything anyone does she does. Which I suppose is good in some cases but I want her to feel confident enough to have her own ideas and not go along with others. Any thoughts/suggestions on this?

My ds went through a finding the biggest trouble maker and following him/her phase. Now, he leads the trouble making with confidence .

Are the other kids a little older? It's common for kids to follow older kids and boss younger kids.

Another way of looking at it is that your dd has good cooperative skills. When she is older, she will have better judgement as to whether it is a good idea to do what the other kids are doing. The "age of reason" is 7, so that might be the time when it starts to kick in. Most young children play cooperatively very well. In developing countries, they do so to a much older age which I consider to be desirable. In this culture, there is such an emphasis from a young age on competition, that cooperative play doesn't get as much encouragement. Try googling cooperative games to find some ideas that might be fun for your dd to play. This is an article called the Case Against Competition that I like
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcac.htm

[caitlinsmom]

Good cooperative skills- I like that.

No she doesnt just follow older kids, she will even copy/follow whatever my 1 yo does! It is completly annoying and I know that it stems from jelousy.

Anyway thanks for the advice/tips, I wont worry about it afterall.