"I don't like you anymore, I wish Jacks mom was my Mom"

[Earthiemama]

Knife in the heart or what?? I know my feeling should not be hurt but they are. I asked him (4 3/4 yo) why and all he could say was just "she is nicer". I tried to get him to explain more ("what doe she do that nicer" What do I do that not nice" but he couldn't articulate it. I told him that my feelings were hurt and that I would love him no matter what". I think my husband then made him feel guilty telling him that you really upset Mom. So he rushed over and gave me a big hug but then said he still like Marsha better.

Now granted this all happened because he didn't want to brush his teeth or put on his pajamas. He got very "fresh" saying "nananana you can't make me" they way only a almost 5 year can . I said "your right, I can't but it is bedtime anyway so up to bed you go. I don't mind if you sleep in your clothes". All said in a matter fact way. More tantrums but finally off to bed w/ jammies and teeth brushed.

So what do you say when your kids say this? I think it is normal for them to get mad and "hate you" so I don't want him to feel guilty for expressing his anger and I want him to feel he has a safe haven at home. But want him also know.... what? I don't know... that every family is different? That just because Mary's mom makes Kraft Mac and Cheese every night for dinner we don't? Or just because Joe's mom lets him stay up all night in our house we have a bedtime? That he might think I am mean or not nice but that is just the way it is? (These are not *real* examples or people BTW. Most rules in our house are big issues and are mutually agreed on at an age appropriate level. I find consistency to be more important)

Any advice, insight?

[Jmo780]

I just wanted to drop in and say that I think it is an age thing...a phase.

My daughter, who just turned 5 in May, did the same thing for a while-we explained that we DO NOT say hate to anybody, it was not a nice word, and that Mommy & daddy love her, even if she doesn't like us....But then she would turn around and say 20 minutes later "I love you so much mommy, you are the best mommy I ever got!"

My boys (10 & 7) never did go thru this, so I was really taken back by her saying this to me....So after a time or 2 of explaining that she can not say "Hate" to anybody, she got the point....she does still say stuff like "The rules are stupid! Or I don't like xyz!" but it is starting to fade away little by little, thank goodness, lol!

*Hugs* I am sure you are not the only one going through this!

[Qtopia]

Originally Posted by Earthiemama

But want him also know.... what? I don't know... that every family is different? That just because Mary's mom makes Kraft Mac and Cheese every night for dinner we don't? Or just because Joe's mom lets him stay up all night in our house we have a bedtime? That he might think I am mean or not nice but that is just the way it is? (These are not *real* examples or people BTW. Most rules in our house are big issues and are mutually agreed on at an age appropriate level. I find consistency to be more important)

IMO part of the answer might be right here. If my son was pissed at me because we didn't have mac & cheese every night, for example, I would validate his feelings ("Hmmm, I can see that you are disappointed that we can't eat mac & cheese again/every night. That's one of your favorite foods, isn't it? " and then I would say what you wrote above- "Every family has their own rules, and these are our rules and we will follow them."

And I, personally, don't think there is anything wrong with telling your child that they have hurt your feelings. I mean, I don't think you (or your DH) should make it into some huge melodramatic guilt trip thing, but I do think it's important for kids to know that words can hurt. I would probably calmly say something like "It's okay for you to be angry at me, but it's not okay for you to call me names. That really hurts my feelings" and then I would drop it and not hold a grudge or bring it up a thousand times.

[A&A]

They're testing your unconditional love. "That's ok, you'll always be my son and I'll always love you," is my standard answer. No, it isn't a knife in the heart, because I know they don't mean it.

[jkpmomtoboys]

Just wanted to say that this morning I did something my 6yo didn't like and he said, "I wish Daddy didn't marry you. I wish he married someone nicer!" By the way, his dad and I are both his biological parents, so it's not a stepparent sort of thing.

Cracked me up, but I just wanted to empathize and say that it's totally age appropriate and he wouldn't say it if he did mean it. It's safe for him to say it, so he does. Keep the unconditional love coming back to him and all will be well...

[LynnS6]

It's also an age where, deveolopmentally, they are learning that words can have power. But like an 18 month old who is learning about physical power by hitting, 5 year olds learn about word power by offending. It takes a while for them to learn to control this 'power' too. And I agree that acknolwedging that those words hurt is important. We need to teach children to be gentle with their words just like we need to teach them to be gentle with their bodies.

I think also maybe acknowledging what it is that he doesn't want to do in a playful way "You're right. I am a mean and terrible mother because I make you put jammies on and brush your teeth! I am the MONSTER MOTHER!" (Playful Parenting has good ideas about this.) Sometimes that can acknowledge what he REALLY means (I don't want to put my jammies on and go to bed), without reacting to the "I wish someone else was my mother". Haven't we all wished that at some point in our lives, even if we love our mothers?

And finally, I think you handled it much more calmly than I would have!

[corhorvath]

Originally Posted by Qtopia

And I, personally, don't think there is anything wrong with telling your child that they have hurt your feelings. I mean, I don't think you (or your DH) should make it into some huge melodramatic guilt trip thing, but I do think it's important for kids to know that words can hurt.

I agree with this. And, I too have had my daughter tell me she wanted a new mommy. My daughter also says things like, "fine then I'll NEVER play dolls again," if she can't have the dress she wants. So, I tell her "ok" and always tell her that she needs to be careful because her words have power.

I respond by acknowledging her feelings, reminding her that there is strength in our words, and telling that I wish she didn't feel that way about me but that no matter what, I'll always want to be her mom. I always try to find ways to help her express her anger towards me without trying to hurt me just because she's hurt. I try things like:

"I know you're mad. It's not fun to have to get ready for bed when you're having fun, but, it's time for bed. You need to remember to not say mean things to people just because you're mad. If you're mad at me for making you brush your teeth then say that, but telling me you don't want me to be your mom really isn't even true." She usually tells me that I made her mad and that she doesn't like when I tell her what to do (she's extremely independent and strong-willed). I then tell her I understand and that sometimes we just have to do what's expected of us even when we don't want to. I tell her that I have do what my boss tells me to do and stuff like that to show that I can relate to her feelings. I tell her that she has a right to be mad and I understand how she feels. I give her hugs, tell her I love her and that I am going to be her mommy no matter what.

I don't know if this is too much or not for a 4 yo. I just figured I should teach that there's power in her words and that her anger is totally valid but needs to be handled differently. I don't know what I'm doing as a mom. I'm just doing my best. That's the best we can do, right?

[Twocoolboys]

Originally Posted by Earthiemama

That just because Mary's mom makes Kraft Mac and Cheese every night for dinner we don't?
Any advice, insight?

My son actually was mad at me because we don't have kraft mac & cheese for dinner every night - lol. I did explain to him that we need a varied diet, which he does understand. I always make sure there is at least one thing that he likes and will eat with dinner. If he is really opposed to what I make, he can help himself to a piece of fruit.

I also have had to remind him several times about each family being different and having different rules. I have used the "In our family, we don't ..." He seems to get it, but he is 7. He has also used similar statements for various things. If I get frustrated with another kid on a playdate, I will sometimes say something to my son afterwards. Like, "that was exhausting, why does his mother let him behave like that". My ds will say "mom, everyone is different". LOL

[Roar]

Originally Posted by A&A

They're testing your unconditional love. "That's ok, you'll always be my son and I'll always love you," is my standard answer. No, it isn't a knife in the heart, because I know they don't mean it.

I agree.

Then, I'd give them the words to say what they really want to say "I'm angry right now" or whatever.

[Earthiemama]

Thanks so much everyone! I do feel much better today and actually am happy with how I handled it once I had some distance. Sometimes it is hard to remember he is only 4 going on 5 and that he is till testing the waters.

Oh, and I love Playful Parenting!! Why do I always forget that approach when I am in a moment!! Argh!

Thanks again to all who took the time to reply!!

[mamaley]

If it makes you feel any better, my six yo told me the other day that I'm not cool anymore