Another mama feeling like she's not the mama she wanted to be.

[*GreenMama*]

I feel like this big failure because I'm thinking of giving up on breastfeeding. The problem is, I'm not really breastfeeding DS right now. I'm hooking myself up to the SNS every 2-4 hours. He's still taking 5 oz of formula. Its heavy, and because of my little torso I have to choke myself to feed him. Plus, since the formula has to be heated its very warm on my neck and makes me sweaty. Couple this with the fact that the baby doesn't want to be put down and that he needs to sleep in the bed with me and I'm achy and exhausted 24/7.

I was finally prescribed Reglan yesterday. That is supposed to increase my milk supply. After begging for almost 2 weeks for her to come over, I gave up on the last lactation consultant, contacted a new one and she's supposedly coming over tomorrow sometime between 10 and 12. Maybe the combo of the Reglan and help from the lactation consultant will help me in my decision.

DH is supportive either way, but I can't get past how much of a douche I feel like for wanting to quit.

The thing is, if I was able to fully nurse the baby that would be one thing. He'd want food every 2-3 hours, but it would be like 20 minutes of feeding. I long for a day with no bottles to fill, warm, and then clean, plus an SNS to hook up to my nipples with tape that, hypoallergenic or not, gives me a rash. I just don't know if its even possible for me to 100% feed him, and I'm getting soooo tired from butting my head against that wall.

I feel like if I quit I'm a failure. I'm embarassed. I think my friends and family would never believe I did as much as I could, even though they all say the opposite. Its just me.

I don't know how to make this okay with myself. I know I don't need permission to stop, but I feel like I want it, and that just makes me feel 10x worse.

[Vanessa]

No matter what happens, you are not a failure. I'm not sure what's causing your bf'ing issues, but I'm hoping they the new LC can help you get on the right path. Even if you do decide to quit, you can still be a great mom. (((HUGS)))

[*andiflipping*]

thinking of you mama!!!!!!!

[momatheart]

Its so hard when all those expectations we had for motherhood don't turn out the way we want. Sounds like the SNS routine is very stressful, to put it mildly.

You're right, you can choose whatever you need to for your sanity, but I did want to address one thing you said. Even if you were 100% breastfeeding, there'd still be things to "figure out", things that aren't the way you expected. Frustrating things like itchy sore nipples that make you think, "do I have thrush or not?" or painful letdowns when you even THINK about the baby, or even the baby sleeping too long and suddenly you're rock hard engorged.

I know you're probably thinking, "geez, I wish I had those problems" because it's human nature to see the grass as greener on the other side.

You sound like a great mama, heck, some people don't even get this far nursing a preemie. Hopefully the LC will help. I just want to encourage you to hang in there, since breastfeeding is something you wanted to do.

[luckylady]

(((HUGS)))

Oh mama - you are wonderful for even keeping up with it for this long! Be more gentle on yourself.

I have many friends who formula feed for one reason or another, and they are not any less of a mommy than I am for breast feeding. They love their babies just as much, and their babies are just as happy.

Sending you peace ~~~

[mom2nat&will]

just remember that any bit of breastmilk you have given this baby is excellent~~you are trying and have given a wonderful effort...hugs to you for that....I had many similar probs w/ my dd and ended up only being able to nurse her for 4 mos....my milk would not produce no matter what we tried...it was hard on me, but you just have to know the service you have provided your baby by doing it this long!

[dharmama]

((( Cindy )))

No advice here but I couldn't read and not post. You are such an amazing woman and mother....whatever you decide is what is best for you and your baby!!

Take care of yourself mama.

[Sydnee]

Ditto that! You are an awesome momma, DON'T forget that!!!!!!!!!

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by CindyCaz

The thing is, if I was able to fully nurse the baby that would be one thing. He'd want food every 2-3 hours, but it would be like 20 minutes of feeding. I long for a day with no bottles to fill, warm, and then clean, plus an SNS to hook up to my nipples with tape that, hypoallergenic or not, gives me a rash. I just don't know if its even possible for me to 100% feed him, and I'm getting soooo tired from butting my head against that wall.
.

No judgment here, either--you're obviously working your butt off, and you need to find what works best for you and your babe. But I did want to say that the rosy picture of "fully nursing" might not be true. My baby wants to nurse every two hours during the day (from when she *starts* nursing), but usually nurses for up to an hour--no nice 20 minute sessions here. And, of course, between the thrush, the horrifically cracked nipples, the vasospasm, etc...well, I think feeding a baby can suck no matter how you slice it.

Hugs to you. I hope you're able to find some relief!

[mamacatsbaby]

nak

hi cindy! i've been wondering how you guys were doing.

i just want to echo everyone else. i'm sure you're an incredible mama! and i sure wish i could come and give you a gigantic hug irl then take you out for lunch and such. i'm sending many good vibes and prayers your way. squirmy babe, gotta go for now...

[Happypants]

hi cindy,

i hope the lc you met with today did some good. i know it's hard when you can't just put your babe to the breast and let him do his thing, and having to deal with and clean equipment is no picnic.

is there any other way that you could try and make it work? if the sns is so uncomfortable, can you pump to get your milk supply up and cup feed your babe? does he have a good latch? before you quit cold turkey, would it be worth nursing him, then giving him a bottle and pumping? that sounds like a lot of work, too, though.

make sure you're eating well and drinking a lot of water. and if you do decide you're done, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. no one who hasn't been there could possibly know how difficult it is to bf when things don't go "normally". ultimately, you are the only one who has to approve of your decision. you're a good mama.

[JayGee]

Are your issues related to low supply? Have you thought about breastfeeding and supplementing with a bottle? At 6 weeks, the risk of nipple confusion isn't as great. This is what I did with my son. Long story short ~ he refused to latch on for 10 days after birth, and in spite of constant pumping, I was barely producing anything. When I finally got him to the breast, my supply increased, but I just couldn't get it up to the levels he required. What I ended up doing was nursing him, and then giving him a few ounces of formula in a bottle if he was still acting hungry (rooting, fussing). I tried the lact-aid for a few weeks, but it really was a pain and DS ended up using it like a straw . He ended up weaning around 15 months. Remember, breastfeeding is not an all or nothing thing. You CAN breastfeed, and supplement with formula.

Also, be careful with the Reglan. It's been strongly linked to episodes of depression. I tried it with DS to help my milk supply and ended up with a serious case of depression.

[~*max*~]

Hi Cindy. I hope your meeting w/the new LC went well today. I haven't anything new to add, but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you & that I admire you for all the hard work you have done. Whatever you need to do, always know that you are doing what you need to for your baby & yourself. Sending lots of hugs your way......

[*GreenMama*]

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes. The appt with the lc went well if for no other reason than realizing that a) I probably won't be able to get my supply up to 100% bf the little guy, and b) that that doesn't mean I have to stop bfing him completely. Eventually he will be taking less mik because he'll start solids. At that point I may be able to cut the formula lots. There's no reason I can't still enjoy a long nursing relationship with my son, because he can and does still come to me to comfort nurse to sleep a few times per day. I guess I need to focus more on that than on supplying him with all he needs from breastmilk.

PS, he has his dr appt on Fri. He is now 10lb 5oz and 21 1/4 inches. He's so ravenous all the time the doc said to put him on rice cereal once or twice a day if he just won't be satisfied (thats been a problem too) and we've tried it and he LOVES it. Never thought I'd give it to a baby this young, but he's so much happier when he obviously needs more food and gets it. Such a cutie, we took pics of the feeding. Maybe I'll be able to post them soon.

I'm so proud that we have this community of caring people here on MDC. It keeps me sane knowing that there are people who understand out there, and I only have to log onto my computer to find them.

Hugs to all.

[Sydnee]

Sounds like your feeling much better about things!! I'm glad it's going better, and sometimes we need to remember that things won't always go the way we planned them to, sometimes those forks in our road of life takes a different direction than what we wanted. Hugs to you, mama!!

[~*max*~]

Cindy, I am glad things are working out for you & you are feeling better about it all. Great job sticking it out.

[Throkmorton]

Cindy, I am glad your LC was able to give you a pep talk. What a big boy you have there!

I am right there with you. We have been doing the Domperidone/SNS/pumping routine since DD was born. It was exhausting. What you have done so far has been awesome.

I actually gave up on pumping 2 weeks ago, and also decided to just start giving DD a bottle after nursing instead of hooking myself up every feeding. DH gives her bottles at night, which allows me to sleep after nursing (I live that man)
Oddly, my supply seems to have increased slightly since giving up the regular pumping and SNS and I think it is because I am more relaxed and actually get some sleep.

Really, that was just a long way of saying "We are in the same boat. PM me if you need to vent or anything"

[Snowdrift]

Reviving an old thread to suggest looking on the milkmatch yahoo group for donor milk. Better for the babe than formula and maybe you will feel a bit better too if you can add a bit more milk into the nursing and formula combo.

[*andiflipping*]

for you cindy