How to help 4 y/o dd with SHYNESS

[falcon2]

Hi all--
My daughter is very shy. I have always put her into social situations that would seem to foster independence, or at least comfort with others. But she is not. I don't think I have been pushy with her, and allowed her to be the way she is. For the most part I think I have done that, all the while trying to encourage her. She was home with me until she was 14 mos old, then she went into daycare part-time (1/2 time schedule, mostly mornings from 8-12). She was in daycare til just after she turned 4. She is now 4 1/2 and has also been involved in a gymnastics class, and a few playgroups, but nothing regular. We go out to the pottery center and play with clay--each week we go she still acts nervous around the people who work there. It always takes her so long to warm up to people. I have been taking her to the summer reading program at the library where she does book reports (talks to librarians). Anyway, she doesn't seem to be getting over her social anxiety, and I actually think it'sgetting worse as she gets older.
Any ideas? Your experience? WHat worked for you?

[sincitymama]

Wait it out? I WAS that shy kid, lol, and I'm still quite shy. I function just fine in the world and can talk to people when I need to, make small talk in the grocery line, etc...but I am definitely shy. Nothing any adult did ever helped me 'get over it' or anything. School was terrible. I didn't get really comfortable with things until I was out of high school-then I was int he world on my own terms, and got a job working with the public, and learned how to deal.

There is a book called 'the introvert advantage' you might be interested in checking out. I don't remember the author? Sorry. But I remember feeling quite validated reading about how, our society put a much bigger value on talkative outgoing types of personalities, but us shy quiet types do contribute our own *different* strengths and gifts. It's kind of a shame that an inate personality trait like this is often seen as a 'problem' to 'fix'. Not saying you are looking at it htis way! I see you are just concerned about your little girl. That's just more of a societal observation that bugs me that is addressed int he book.

Anyway just keep going out to those activities and stuff if she likes them, and let her enjoy it on her own terms. She might be getting positive things from it, just not what some expect. For example, being around a group of other kids might be a bonus to most of htem and make a gymnastics class more fun. For your daughter, those other kids might be something she puts up with because she enjoys the activity. KWIM? When you say she seems to be getting more uncomfortable as she gets older-is it possible other people have different expectations of how social a kid her age 'should' be, and she is reacting to that by pulling back more? I know I still have a very hard time with certain kinds of people-and the more I feel pressure the harder it is on me to not run away to the nearest cave, lol.

I know when I was younger, my shyness was often seen as a challenge by a lot of people, especially adults. They would go to lengths to 'draw me out of my shell' and get me to open up and all that. They never figured out htey were having hte opposite effect! I was not waiting around for someone to get in my face with just the rigght question or joke, I was waiting for that annoying person to go away and stop making me uncomfortable. I know oyu don't do this with her, but it may be something to keep an eye on with other adults.

Also, you mention going to different activities and stuff. Have you tried to focus more on playdates with just 1 other child? That might help her be more ocmfortable and give her the chance she needs to bond with someone and make a good friend. I know I do much better 1:1 with anyone, than in a group. Groups overwhelm me. Maybe arranging somethng with another kid that youknow has similar interests or something would go over well.

So that's the gist of my experience-hopefully something int here will help you out or at least help you feel better to know that I did indeed end up a perfectly functional adult.

[Alana]

What the PP said. I was that kid too. Painfully shy. If someone came to our house, that I didnt know very well, I would hide. My 2nd son is rather shy, and is overwhelmed easily in loud, new situations....I just let him take his time, and do what he needs to do, till he is comfortable.

[mamaduck]

I would accept it as a personality trait. Have you read "The Highly Sensitive Child?" By Elaine Aron.

[jlpumkin]

I have that child. I am an extrovert so it wasn't easy for me at first. I also agree with PP. Through my experience I've learned that dd needs to have regular activities to fully engage. I don't mean to say that you have to go to the same play group every week - just close to the same crowd seems to help. We go to parent and preschooler activities that attract the same group plus or minus a few. It took about a month but she's adjusted to the kids and participates. If you plan on sending your child to school, prepare now. And I don't mean your child, I mean you. Teachers seem to think that a child needs to be like the others - yelling out questions, waving hands in the air, etc. So I really had to be an advocate for her this past year. We are actually changing to a private school in the area that seems to be more tolerant of differences. This isn't a slam against teachers or schools, I just wanted to give you a heads up to a parenting challenge.

[AmyAngel]

Originally Posted by SarahNH

...being around a group of other kids might be a bonus to most of htem and make a gymnastics class more fun. For your daughter, those other kids might be something she puts up with because she enjoys the activity.

This was me as a child too! I'm still somewhat that way. I've become more social as I got older (not until after high school really). I surprised everyone by going away to a college where no one else I knew was going or had gone. I'm actually still more outgoing when my family isn't around, I think partly from years of hearing from my mother how annoyed she was that I was "backward" and "too shy" and wouldn't do things on my own. I would be very careful not to make your daughter feel that this is something wrong with her (I'm not saying you are!).

Keep in mind that your daughter might be very drained by being in groups. Even when I'm just around my family (ESPECIALLY when I'm around my family sometimes...) I really need time on my own to be able to cope. I can only handle things for so long before I need to go sit by myself and read or daydream and not see or talk to anyone for a couple hours. It's always taken me a while to fall asleep at night, and sometimes I think part of that is because it's sometimes the only "alone time" I can get for my mind to process what's gone on that day and wind down. I do better in small groups than large groups. I tend to retreat and be in the background in large groups.

As an adult I've actually always found myself working for small companies where I work with the same small group everyday. Even when I've worked "with the public" it's been mostly that same small group with occasional doses of (fairly shallow) public interaction. I do very well with strangers/customers now, with the security of that small group of people I trust to fall back on. And with my own house and office to retreat to!

Maybe continuing with the activities you are doing now, just allowing her to warm up slowly in her own time. Regularity may be a key thing here, if she knows pretty much who will be there every time. There will likely be some people she might NEVER warm up to - if they are too in-her-face or obviously outgoing they may be draining to her, and that's OK. She will be able to deal with them eventually. She is still very very young!

[MamaBug]

Moving this to childhood years

[LynnS6]

Shoot! I lost a really long reply when dd unplugged my computer. I'll try to recreate it.

First, there is a book about introverted children called "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" by the same author who wrote The Introvert Advantage: Marti Olsen Laney. I just got my copy from the library for our introverted son. I also highly recommend "The Highly Sensitive Child"

Our son is 5, and these are the things that have helped him.

1. I try really, really hard to resist using the word 'shy' around him or letting other people label him as shy. He's not shy, but he does take a LONG time to warm up. Shy is seen as such a negative label, that I don't want him seeing himself that way. I grew up thinking I was shy. I'm not. I AM an introvert, but I am an introvert who likes people (and it turns out that I am pretty good at working with people). But it took me a long time to find that out because I always thought I was shy.

2. Give him time to warm up. We try to go early to events where he doesn't know anyone. It will often take him 45 minutes or more to warm up in a new situation. I'm learned, through painful experience, to give him that time. I encourage him to try things or accompany him, but if he just wants to watch, I let him. I can't tell you the number of times that I've been just about to go home because I was despairing that he'd EVER join in, when all of the sudden, he's off and joining in.

3. Give him a consistent social group to interact with. He's in daycare 3x a week and the kids in his class have been together since they were 2. He's got one good friend, and plays well with the other kids because he knows them. One friend can make all the difference to a slow to warm up introvert like our son. If his friend is at a function, our son doesn't even look back.

So, the idea from a pp of doing one on one playdates and trying for fewer, but more frequent things might be a good idea.

4. Give him alternatives to TALKING to unfamiliar people. Our son simply WILL NOT talk. But he will use gestures. So, to be polite, I make him acknolwedge people, but he can do so with a wave or with words. 99 times out of 100, he'll choose a wave.

5. Give him time to recharge after he's done social things. As several other posters mentioned, for introverts, it's hard work to be in big groups, even if we like it. We go to daycare (3x a week), church and that's about it. (OK, it helps that I'm an introvert too!)

6. Acknowledge that some things are hard for him, and then comment on how he's learned to be more comfortable. "do you remember last year you never wanted to go into the nursery at church? And now it's your favorite place to be! It looks like you're becoming more comfortable being on your own a bit."

7. Give him time. I can't tell you how our son has blossomed in the last year. No, he still doesn't talk to unfamiliar people. But when he's comfortable, he will get his needs met. We had an event at church a couple of months ago where there was a group of kids playing together and the adults were playing cards (with one set of parents doing kid duty). I don't think I saw him all evening! It was a group of kids that he mostly knew from Sunday School and the year he went to preschool at our church, an environment (church) where he's been a lot, and a very low pressure social situation (no one really cared what he did). Mostly he played with the other kids, sometimes he took a 'break' and did a few things on his own.

[falcon2]

Thank you so much for all your help everyone! I Just want to let you know how much I appreciate all your wonderful suggestions and your experiences.
Best to you,

[hipumpkins]

know when I was younger, my shyness was often seen as a challenge by a lot of people, especially adults. They would go to lengths to 'draw me out of my shell' and get me to open up and all that. They never figured out htey were having hte opposite effect! I was not waiting around for someone to get in my face with just the rigght question or joke, I was waiting for that annoying person to go away and stop making me uncomfortable.

That happens to my DD all the time. Or people want to scoop her up. i am always saying, "She doesn't like to be picked up, or touched"