I'm not pretty...

[Snuggles]

Hi all,

DD, who is 4.5, was studying herself in the mirror today and discovered some freckles that are appearing around her cheekbones and nose. She became quite upset by it and said that if she got loads more freckles that she will not be pretty and no-one else will think she's pretty... AAaahhh..

And, of course, I reacted in an unhelpful sort of way... while trying to squish back all of the re-emerging feelings I had about my freckles growing up.

I want to talk to her about 'pretty' later on and am struggling to find the right kind of language that does not invalidate her feelings:

She is pretty, she is pleasing to look at... and I don't just think that's her mother talking... she really is! But, I want to convey to her that pretty is unimportant, that regardless of how she looks, what is important is that she likes herself.... that unpretty people are deserving of love and of loving themselves.... that, what other people think of her appearance should not impact how she feels about herself...

... but, do I avoid convincing her that she is pretty? Will she go away believing herself to be unpretty... and does that really matter any way? Is that ok?

My endless gratitude to anyone who can help me figure this out and stop the screaming panic inside my head from my childhood revisited!

[vegmama]

I don't have any advice, but I am going through a similar situation with my 4 year old dd. She thinks she's fat. Her babysitter's 8th grade son told her she's fat. She's not! She has a little round belly. Her good friend is tiny, but so are her parents. My daughter keeps telling me she wants a flat tummy like her friend. I'm struggling too with knowing exactly what to say. I tell her all the time how beautiful I think she is. Not that I think the outer appearance is so important, but just because I think she's beautiful inside and out, as well as having low self-esteem myself growing up. I also get excited and show how proud I am when she reads, counts, etc. I want her to feel good about herself all around, but I don't want her to be vain either! Or end up with low self esteem if others aren't telling her what I tell her....

She also told me one day that she was weird looking. I asked if she thought her dad and I were weird looking too. She said yes. I asked about her baby brother. She said he wasn't. I responded with, well...he looks like you, so you must not be weird looking!

I never thought this would happen at such an early age! It breaks my heart. Maybe someone will have some good advice for both of us.

[1growingsprout]

dd 8 has some self esteem issues and her therapist told her the 'freckles' are 'PIXIE DUST'or 'angel kisses' something like that... shes very happy now...

[Mama Poot]

I don't have school-age children, so I never post here. But I was lurking and came across your post. Could your DD have seen you examining your own face in a mirror? Do you often say negative things while dressing/putting on makeup/doing your hair/etc? My mom always did and still does this kind of stuff, and I started doing the same thing. Thankfully I got over it and now know that I don't have to wear makeup or dye my hair to be "pretty". I would just make sure DD doesn't see you or hear you being negative about your own appearance

[Snuggles]

Hi Mama Poot...

Thanks for your thoughts. No, I am most comfortable with myself and give little thought to my appearance at all. Part of the reason that I am at a loss in dealing with this situation is because I am surpised it has come up at all. We don't refer to our outer appearance in good or bad terms in our house... not as a rule, simply because it is unimportant to us ... or so I though! Ha!

My daughter and I differ a bit in that I was/am quite the tom-boy and she adores all things feminine. She was in raptures when I forced myself to shop for a dress for a wedding I attended last year and tries daily to convince me to wear a skirt or a dress and will not wear trousers herself for ANYTHING.

We live in Australia where skin cancer is a great concern and parents-of-today are indoctrined with sun-safe behaviour. I have talked to her about how freckles come about in terms of sun-exposure... this is the only area where she may have imagined a negative view of freckles.

My biggest concern, however, is to try and figure out a way to talk to her about loving herself and others inspite of any blemishes (perceived or otherwise) she/they may have. That ugly can be beautiful, beautiful can be ugly and neither are good or bad. My biggest heart-tug from our encounter came from her desire to be thought of as pretty by others.... when I see my biggest parenting job to raise my daughter in an environment that fosters self-love, self-esteem and self-discipline... and avoid the tail-spinning activity of finding validation in the approval of others.

... My question, how do I translate that in to 4-year-old-ese?

[Snuggles]

Shameless Bump!

[AlbertaJes]

I always loved my freckles.

[Socks!]

I didn't want to read without replying.
I can't offer any real advice though.
The only thing I can think of is a good book. If you can't find one, maybe it helps if you make her one. It shouldn't be a problem to print out pictures of all kinds of different people. You can put a ribbon through the paper and give it to your daughter.
Maybe the both of you can discover how different all the people look. I don't know how possible it is to get this a cross to a 4 yr old, but maybe you can conclude with "the outside doesn't tell us anything (not much) about their thoughts/who they are". Maybe the both of you can think about what each persons thoughts could be and have her figure it out like that.

I'm sorry this isn't very good advice. I hope you'll get through this ok. Cherish yourself and let your daughter see that, that's probably important.

to you

[kirei]

All I could think to say about your post is that I wouldn't recommend that you avoid telling her that she is pretty. It doesn't need to be about what others think of her -- just maybe try to help her see that everyone is pretty/beautiful in their own unique ways, and that having freckles does not take away from her beauty.

[irinam]

That's a tough one.

On one hand - you don't want to "confirm" her words by starting on "oh, but pretty is not the most important thing, etc., etc.,". Then she woud think "Yeap, I was right, I am NOT pretty"

On the other hand - you don't want to send a message that being pretty is how we should valuate oursellves...

Another thought - yes we (adults) realize that looks are not important. But to her, at this point of time they are.

So I would not bring up the whole "looks are not important" lesson *right at that moment*
What I would do is say "You look very pretty to me. I think freckles give your face that special fairy-like look. Just like <insert reference to some fairy character that has freckles>"

Later on however, I would consiously focus on modeling appreciation for people with all kinds of looks, without even mentioning "pretty/unpretty"

I would also comment on different kind of beauty in people (physical or otherwise). I would "notice" a pretty red-head. Then maybe a day later, I would comment on a beautifull asian girl. Then on a tall, bigger, smaller, darker, etc.,

We are in the process with our own DD discussing how beauty was seen in different times at different places (triggered by "Mirrow mirrow on the wall, who's the FAIREST one of all?") DD wanted to know why on earth would the evil queen want to be the "fairest" We talk about how some cultures / during some times - a very light skin was considered the best atribute of persons looks, voluptious body, the most tatooted skin. streched earlobes, tiny feet, the longest hair, etc., etc.,

[LookMommy!]

ironically enough, we have a barbie book

about this very topic!

Barbie's little friend doesn't want to play fashion model like all the other girls in her new neighborhood because she doesn't think she's pretty enough, because of her freckles.

Barbie takes her to a fashion shoot and she meets a beautiful model with tons of freckles. Girl gets message, and likes the way she looks, but decides that when the others play fashion model, she'll be the photographer, since, in her words "that was the best part of the shoot".

Very positive book, considering the source. All the girls are barbie-perfect, but there is diversity (AA girl, Asian girl). My 5 year old loves it, but she does not have freckles!

[Snuggles]

Thanks everyone! I feel like I have a way foreward now!

irinam... she loves the fairy comparrison!

I'm going to move slowly with this... I think if I go on an all-out pretty project she would recoil.

Ta muchly!

[corhorvath]

Thank you for posting this question!! Unfortunately, my 4 yo has said similar things. It's heartbreaking to know that these issues surface so early.

I haven't read anything about what's the right thing to do and grappled with the same questions you did/are. In general, I did the things people said here. I also make it a point, when her hair's a mess and her shirt's covered in dirt, to tell her she looks pretty/beautiful. Pretty isn't always primped.

Good luck with everything!

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by corhorvath

I haven't read anything about what's the right thing to do and grappled with the same questions you did/are. In general, I did the things people said here. I also make it a point, when her hair's a mess and her shirt's covered in dirt, to tell her she looks pretty/beautiful. Pretty isn't always primped.

:

My dd (6yo) used to say "don't I look pretty now" when she put on a dress. I would respond usually that pretty is not the clothing we wear, but the smiles we wear. I tried to make a effort telling her she is pretty in many messy situations after that. I try not to always use the word pretty, but many other synonyms of the word. Telling her how her eyes look so bright when she wears green and blue. Complementing her on her "smart" choices of clothing when she pairs up boots, knee socks, stripes, and checks all at once.

We have talked about our bodies and how they work. I'm not sure if this helps dd it helped me. Before dd my weight had yo-yo'ed my whole life. I finally stopped the maddness and looked at myself who and what I am. I am a large 5'10" woman. If I put my body into a serious brutal workout daily and eat nothing I can be thin... if I live a normal life I am not. BUT I am strong. Very strong. Does that make me less pretty... not in my book, well not any longer.

It's hard. I want my dd to feel pretty inside and out. I guess I have tried to instill in her the power to find what her pretty is, and less on what other's believe pretty to be. It's such a shame that most girls will go threw a period of time that their self worth is all wrapped up in their skin. How I wish to avoid that time for my dd, but can we?

[care_a_boo]

My daughter has the opposite problem. I had to pull her out of church for disrupting others several weeks ago, and took her to a bathroom (as a boring place to talk to her about it--the "crying" room is so exciting with toys and books that it's no good for that sort of thing). I told her that she can't act that way because people want to pray and talk to God and listen to the priest, etc. Her answer: "But, I'm a pitty girl."

I tried to impress upon her that even beautiful people have to be kind to others. Who knows if it went in.

I also try to give her a wide impression of what is "beautiful". I know that she's getting impressions already that the "pretty" ones are the shapely blonds. For example, we were reading a kid's magazine the other day and there was a picture of an African-American mom with her little girl, and her natural hair was haloing out on the sides of her face, and I just thought she looked nice so I said so. We aren't A-A, so this isn't about teaching her that she is lovely, but just that beautiful isn't one thing. It's lots of things. I don't usually focus on how the people we see in life, on TV, and in books look, but if a child is clearly thinking about physical appearence, then it only makes sense to discuss it and say things like, "That girl in the story has pretty freckles, don't you think?"--along with other things like "That little girl in the story was so kind to her brother."

[ramlita]

I remember hating my freckles as a kid. I don't think watching Anne (of Green Gables/Avonlea) agonize over hers helped any.

When I first noticed my strawberry-blonde DD was getting some freckles, I very casually said, "Oh! I see some pretty freckles!" She ran to the mirror and looked for them- I guess she'd never thought about them before. Now as she's getting more as summer goes on, she points them out to me with pride. (We do use sunscreen very consistently! She just has a freckle-prone skin tone)

So we got lucky on that one.
Our challenge is her hair. Everyone compliments her on her incredibly thick, ringlet-forming hair. It started out deep red, and is gradually getting blonder and blonder. It is lovely.
But she wants silky-smooth, shiny, straight hair.

[ramlita]

I just remembered!

There is a Pippi Longstocking book in which she sees a sign in a drugstore window that says, "Do you suffer from freckles?"
I found a quote from this part of the story here:
http://www.pandorascollective.com/febquote.html

[irinam]

Originally Posted by ramlita

But she wants silky-smooth, shiny, straight hair.

Can not help you with this one... I am curly/wavy myself and had chemicaly streightened my hair in the past, flat-ironed it, what-have you. Then, I know ladies who have straight hair and go for perms

We just don't appreciate what we have

[MamaCAS]

Likening the child's attribute to a character she admires has worked for me. My 3.5 year old who has curly hair became convinced that only straight hair was pretty. I managed to recall that Snow White has curly (okay - wavy) hair and she now wants to read Snow White all the time.

Still, the structural problem remains: she cares very much about the outside (wearing dresses, being pretty). I don't. The best I have come up with is to help her divide the world into "true princesses" and "phony princesses". True princesses have good manners and are kind to other people.