An 8yo who's terrified of trains and it's our fault.

[merpk]

So when DS#1 was very little, 2, 3yo, we tried to get him to be calm on subway platforms. After all, we ride the subway regularly, right? So nothing was working. Yes, he was a normal 2/3yo, but being that he was our first, we didn't know, really, that we couldn't rationalize him into standing calmly at our side while holding our hands, or whatever. So anyway, not meaning anything bad, we told him two true stories of incidents that happened to people we knew ... one in which our friend got separated from his 4yo child on a rush-hour subway, and the father was on the platform and the child was on the train when it pulled out of the station (happy ending) and another one, where the end door between subway cars opened and a child fell out (bad ending ).

Well, anyway, it was one conversation in a lifetime of conversations, right? We forgot that the conversation ever occurred. No biggee, we're grown-ups, didn't phase us, right? Totally forgotten.



So anyway, as the years have gone by DS#1 has become increasingly terrified to go on the subway, every time with much stress and kvetching and terror, clutching our hands on the platforms, shrieking if one of us steps into the train more slowly than the rest, panicking when we have to get on or off the cars, etc.

We really had no clue where this came from. Last year when the terrorists attacked the London trains, and before when the Madrid bombings happened, we thought maybe that had something to do with it, but he really didn't hear about it that we knew of, and besides, this fear really started earlier.

And finally, last night at bedtime he told me why, "Because, Ima, remember those people who got separated on the train platform, and the child who fell out of the train door and got killed?"







Okay. At least now we know this is all our fault. So how do we reverse this? Or at least make it less?

Anybody?

Please?

[Joannarachel]

Oh, man. That sucks.

It's funny what children absorb. When I was about that age, 6, I think, my absolute DOLT of a music teacher told a story of how a bridge operator crushed his six year old son in the gears of the bridge rather than end the lives of the people on the train barreling towards us. (The story was supposed to illustrate about how God sent his only begotten son etc etc : )

That story had me terrified of trains for years, and I had repeated nightmares of the boy who died crushed in the gears pleading for his daddy to stop lowering the bridge as the life was crushed out of him.

I think the only thing you can do is tell him, "That won't happen to us because we're careful. Mama and Dad are always super careful and those sorts of accidents don't happen to Mama and Dad."

It's not entirely true, but it's better than the alternative, right?

Also, maybe be on the look out for some fun children's books about riding the subway?

[captain optimism]

My first thought was, "well, this is a rational fear, you just need more information about how many people really get hurt." So I looked it up:

http://www.mta.nyc.ny.us/mta/ind-per...t-s-injury.htm

If you think that isn't persuasive, then you can probably phone the subway system and get more information from them. They do have a pretty scary page of safety tips!

My guess is that riding the subway stacks up favorably against other modes of transportation for safety, and that, calculating the risk will make it seem a little less intimidating.

[KaraBoo]

((())) What we do when my daughter is afraid of stuff is to talk about her fears and sort of brainstorm ways to handle it.

We live in a city with public transportation. We use it often, if we're not walking (we don't have a car). We discuss what to do if we get separated. We also talk about not trying to rush to get on the train lest we get caught in the doors or trip over into "the gap." (there is a warning sound that lets you know the doors will soon be closing) Her friend once lost a flipflop in the gap rushing to get on a train once and that memory has stayed with my dd for years since.

[MamaBug]

Moving this to Childhood years

[lucyem]

Try to put it in perspective for him. Explain to him why you told him the original stories. Explain how yes they are true but it is very rare for anything to happen. Explain how he needed to know why he had to behave in the subway when he was little. Put it in context of crossing the street. He holds your hand when corssing the street so he does not get hit by a car. But he is not worried because he is holding your hand and being careful. Just like in the subway. You are all careful and following directions. Just a thought.

[LookMommy!]

move to Israel. Take the bus.

Oh yeah... you're already planning on doing that...

[Roar]

Information is power! It can be a natural tendency for a parent to try to change the subject or make the child feel better. What really helps is KNOWING more fact. Learn about trains. Make a plan together for how to handle it. If there are exact rules to follow (no skipping, no running away from parents, no pogosticking - funny rules are good too) And, reassure him that it is your job to keep him safe and you will always do that. Talk him through what will happen before, during and after. Praise him when he see him taking on his fear.

[Roar]

Oh and I'd be likely to tell my child that I was very sorry that I presented the information so poorly as to get him worried and of course anyone would be worried when they heard it like that. Silly me - next time kid please tell me when you get worried because it might not be based on accurate information and we can fix that by learning real information. In other words I'd suck it up and redirect his feeling from being worried to thinking I'd messed up. I've used this approach successfully with my kid.

That said, I'd take that approach with the kid...but I don't think you screwed up and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

[Marsupialmom]

It might take a long time for him to get over it. When my son was about 3 1/2 we were in a path of a tornado. We were close enough to hear it but not to be harmed by it. I scared my son because he wanted to move and I held him by force to keep him safe. This was something mommy had never done before or since but he is now almost 12 and he still gets nervous with storms and such. He still talks about how I held him and how scared it made him feel. :

I would get outside help.

I would also go knowledge is power. Find out how many riders a day and how often accidents happen. How they could be prevented, et....Go down and watch a day. Talk about good and bad behaviors. Thank him when he is being cautious. Teach him to politely remind you to stand behind the yellow line, et.

[LynnS6]

At 8, he's old enough to help brainstorm ideas and come up with a plan. I agree with the others that knowledge is power.

First tell him that this sort of thing is very rare (get the stats), and apologize to him because you didn't know that you had scared him so badly.

Then, talk to him about what HE can do to be safe. Remind him that your job is to help him be safe, but tell him that at age 8, he's old enough to come up with a plan too.

So, I would have him come up with a plan for where to stand so he is safe. I would also come up with a plan for how he can stay in contact with you -- does he want a string to hold on to that's tied to you? Does he want to hold your hand? Hold onto your pocket (which is what our ds does when our hands are full and he needs to stay close)?

Finally, come up with a plan for what you would do and he would do if you got separated. Teach him where to go and who to talk to. Tell him what you would do.

Then, I would take some 'practice runs' where you go to the subway when it's not crowded -- maybe the first day you just go and identify the line to stand behind and leave. Then the next you identify where the people are who could help him. Then you take a trial trip. All the time, when he gets scared, have him repeat to you his "safety plan". Acknowledge that this is hard for him, and note when he's doing all the things he should to be safe.

Oh and does the subway system run any sort of safety classes for kids? Our town has "safety town" for kids who are learning to walk to school and bike safely. That might help him to (but check out the content, it might scare him even more!)

[eirual]

I have a fear that developed only a couple of years ago (to do with stair wells), and as much I know what sparked it is INCREDIBLY unlikely to EVER happen again I still feel that fear when faced with them. I try to talk myself out of feeling it, I try to be rational and logical, but it doesn't work, it's always there and sometimes overpowering.

So yes, be rational, but still be sensative that it's a genuine fear. Try to be logical and supportive of him when he's faced with the train, but if it's still terrifying for him then I'd say to seek professional help.

[Ellien C]

My mother grew up in NYC and this is what she told us and this is what HER mother told her:

If we ever get separated on the train - like the doors close and one of us doesn't get on, just ride the subway and get off at the NEXT stop and WAIT! I'll be on the next train behind you. I will find you at the next stope. Just wait there for the next train to come along.

I don't know if that helps you at all, at this point, but it's been our subway plan for years and years. Works great with big groups, too, or even if it's just really crowded.

It may help your whole family to have a plan for what to do if separated. I like the idea of practice rides. Maybe DH could take him one stop and then wait for you on the next train so he can see how it actually works.

[chfriend]

My dd1 is like this. The smallest thing (to us) will have these long-lasting, powerful effects on her. First, I thank her for telling me what she's thinking ('cause she always seems a little hesitant to explain *why* she's feeling resistant/scared/whatever). Then I ask her to tell me more about what she thinks about it until she runs out of words. Then I ask what she'd do if it happened (get separated) or what can we do to keep it from happening (fall out and die).

In a city, it seems like a separation plan is important anyway....My brother ran around a corner in Belle Harbor years ago, with New York's finest finding him on the beach a couple hours later. He was only a few blocks from where we were headed. After that, my (large and rambunctious) family *always* had a meet-up plan.

Sensitive kids are tricky!

[Dawn38]