Criticism?

[PinksMommy]

Ok, I am happy about this pregnancy. Really, I am. I am scared sh**less, but I am excited to have a baby.

But I have been very plain about my feelings in the last few months with my friends, family and especially my local AP group forums. My feelings being that I have had 'baby fever' and was wanting a baby, but was aware that it is not the best time for it. My DD is a WILD child and everyone knows that and a regular topic of conversation has been how unfair it would be to have a new baby until DD is older and hopefully calmer (or at least we have better coping tactics for her antics). Well, we are having a baby now, and I am worried that some people will say something negative or say we are not being responsible to take this on.

Also, a few months ago, my DH and I were going through some very rough times, fighting a lot and were on the verge of separating. Many of the issues have resolved now, we live together and get along well 90% of the time and through counseling are able to treat each other with respect. Because although we have always loved each other, we were being pretty nasty and not liking each other and being good friends. It has truly improved and I am very happy and satisfied with my DH, my own behavior and the progress we have made in our relationship.

But one of the things that some people said to me when I mentioned that I was lusting for a baby was that I should wait and see if DH and I could keep it together for a substantial amount of time before bringing an innocent newborn into the chaos. They said things about me not being able to trust or rely on DH and I should not consider going into a pregnancy unless I was planning on being a single mom. Some people even inferred that my DD's health problems were being caused by her emotional reaction the tension and anger in our home when DH and I were not getting along.

So now I have to tell all these people that I got pregnant anyway, and I am nervous that some of them might actually have the nerve to criticize the fact that I got pg or maybe tell me how awful and selfish it is or say they are sorry for me or for my baby.

I'm hoping that I am just being paranoid and if they do have doubts or criticism they will keep it to themselves, but if anything does come up, how should I handle it?

I don't want to feel like I have to apologize for my family. I didn't intentionally get pregnant, but when we conceived, I was aware that it was a possibility and didn't do anything to prevent it. I don't feel like I need to explain that to anyone, but I don't want them to think that I clearly did NOT want to have a baby and this is an unwanted pregnancy or will make me unhappy or cause problems in our family. It won't. It is a blessing and a wonderful thing and I am so excited.

: :

So what do you think of this situation?

[raversangel]

you know, we have been in that situation too, my 5yo is NUTZ, i mean completly crazy! and actually having another one calmed him down a bit its your family and your decisions, you don't have to explain anything to anyone or justify your actions to anyone, as long as all is well in your family that is all that counts! ppl will say what they wish and you can't stop that, just keep your head high and know that everything will work out for good

[Arwyn]

Did they all have all their children at "perfect" times? Haven't they ever heard the saying that if everyone waited for the "right" time to have a kid, the human race would have completely died out by now? I actually know a couple who are divorced now because they never could agree on the "right" time to have a kid, so they never did.

You're excited, so the only appropriate response is an enthusiastic "Congratulations!!" And if they try anything else, tell them that!

[Mindi22]

I agree with Arwyn, the only appropriate response is "congratulations!". The exception might be a very close friend whom you have confided in about all that has gone on previously, but even that close friend should be (perhaps cautiously) optimistic, in light of your feelings.

Bottom line, even if someone is unsure about the timing, it's a pretty personal thing between you and your husband. Given that no one but the two of you really knows where things are and where you stand, it's only the two of you who are qualified to make that decision. And it's pretty rude for someone to critize you regarding this baby.

I would consider that anyone that critisizes you in this isn't a real friend, and spend as little time as possible with them. (I know, real friends do critisize and that's a good thing, given what you said, though, it sounds like a lot of noise from the peanut gallery that doesn't really know what's going on, and just loves to voice their opinions. Because the critisizm that comes from a friend isn't based on opinions, it's based on looking out for you.)

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Good luck, and congrats on the pregnancy!

-Mindi

[cinnamonamon]

Well, if you and your dh have repaired your relationship, I would think a simple "dh and I are excited & have decided this will be a great thing!" That way you are making it clear that you two are united, the baby is a good and (although possibly unexpected) happy thing; it will also make it clear that there is no more "you vs. him." If they still presist in bringing up "what if's," they won't be able to do it without being rude, so you'll be able to cut them off easily.

ETA: this is exactly why I can't talk to any of my family or friends about the negative aspects of my marriage -- they would all jump on the "hate Tim" bandwagon...or hold it against him even after he & I have worked through it. In reality, we both have some faults that need to be dealt with -- I'm no where near perfect, iykwim.