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I've Failed as a GD Parent  

post #1 of 33
7/9/06 at 6:04pm
Thread Starter 
Where to start? My children don't listen to me. I yell too much and I'm not always willing or able to enforce my requests. Many of them turn into power struggles despite my conviction that those are best avoided. I don't spank. I will not spank, although I keep wondering if I need to. I was a great GD mom when I only had one child, but now I have four children under five and I feel like a complete failure. I don't know how to fix it, or even if I can.
post #2 of 33
7/9/06 at 6:15pm
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Since you acknowledge that you were a great GD'er to one child, it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed, and not like you are unable to GD or are failing. I would imagine that having 4 young ones like you do would be very challenging. I only have 2 and it is harder to stay patient, gentle and calm than with one.

I would strongly discourage you from resorting to hitting. It sounds like you are firm on not doing that but maybe you are questioning it a bit? Are there certain situations that you are having the most trouble with? Maybe sharing more details can enable some of us to offer GD approaches.

Also, are you getting enough "you" time to re-fuel? I would try to make that a priority if at all possible. I know that, for me, the GD reserves need to be re-filled periodically.
post #3 of 33
7/10/06 at 4:16am


i have only 3 little ones and i struggle sometimes 4 must be very busy

i think having a vague structure helps us and also trying to have an idea of what we are doing the next day organised in the evening the day before



sorry not much help but little one is getting tired and needs to go to bed
post #4 of 33
7/10/06 at 8:46am
It has taken me months to get even close to the way I would like to parent, and I only have two. I think you're supposed to feel like a failure for a while, then gradually your parenting gets better, one baby step at a time.

Also, four little ones?! No one can be patient all the time, especially with four little ones to take care of. Just keep trying, and allow yourself to be human and make mistakes.
post #5 of 33
7/10/06 at 9:28am
I just read your siggy and noted the ages of your babies. Good grief! No wonder you are yelling! Take it easy on yourself -- you have a very tough job.

Three and four year olds are notorious for being challenging, and I would not expect a kid that age to listen well. Not to mention 3 of them all at once, working each other up, no doubt! A wild household at this point in your parenting journey does *not* indicate a parenting failure. Please! You are in a place where you just do what works, muddle through each day, and try to make sure your teeth get brushed, kwim? Nobody should be expecting model children from you, or a quiet organized household.

I have a friend with 3 children under 4 and she was telling me about how she lets them fall asleep watching TV in their room, and how she tells them Santa won't bring presents if they don't behave. My first thought was to feel disgusted and judgemental. But right on the heels of that thought was the realization that having 3 children under 4 is *exhausting* hard work, and she is amazing for keeping her cool and being mostly gentle with them. And if anyone on earth is allowed to resort to bribery now and then, or TV in bed... it is this mama. Its easy for mamas like me, with 2 kids who are 4 years apart, to set high standards. But sometimes we don't know what we are talking about!!!

Do you have enough help? Can you get more help? A 10 or 12 year old maybe? To play with the older kids each day?

The only way you will reduce your yelling and tension is to work on getting your needs met. Finding ways to sleep more, eat right, and have a little peace now and then. You are no different than a child in that way -- your bad behavior stems from unmet needs, kwim?

Good luck! Please don't write yourself off as a failure this early in the game, okay?
post #6 of 33
7/10/06 at 2:29pm
Hi,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm convinced that GD is twice as hard as spanking at times because it requires so much forethought and planning. And with 4 under 5, when on earth are you goinig to get time for that?

First, have you been screened for Postpartum Depression? You have 4 children very close together (= lots of stress) and stress is a major contributor to PPD, especially since you just had a little one. I had PPD with my first, and I've "hung out" with a lot of moms online who do. "I feel like a complete failure" is a big red flag for me.
Take this quiz and see:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=201141

Second, what's ONE thing that's driving you nuts that you'd like to work on? I find that when I'm overwhelmed I want to "fix it all" right away. And I can't, of course, and so I feel MORE overwhelmed. If I back off and decide on the one or two things that are driving me nuts and work on those, things get better slowly. I find it really helpful to post about those one or two specific things, and then I can get specific feedback and ideas.

Third, I agree with the pp -- what kind of help do you have (this is actually related to my first question). Where's your time to relax? take a bath? go for a walk without having to corral 3 kids and push a stroller? It doesn't need to be long, but you do need time to refuel. Otherwise you don't have any energy left for your children. My kids are surprisingly better behaved when I'm less stressed.

Hang in there -- keep us posted. There are a lot of great parents on this board and they give great ideas.
post #7 of 33
7/11/06 at 12:15am
Analisa- I only have hugs and support to send you. I have two, 2 1/2 years apart, and I struggle every single day. I don't know how you do it with four. I would agree with Mamaduck-some days, it's okay to set the bar a little lower. Heck, maybe some months! I am yeller, and I am working in this, but I have strayed from my good GD intentions since having my second almost two years ago. I don't spank, and won't. And I don't feel that that would make any difference. But my kids don't really listen to me, either. I feel like a failure on a deep level many, many days. All I can say is that mothering is hard, hard work. Hang in there. And do try to get some of your own needs met, even the little ones that you think aren't huge, like getting a shower every day. Maybe a walk by yourself-not every day, but can you do 2x/week? I am working on getting more of my own needs met and changing the dynamic in my home. My best to you.
post #8 of 33
7/11/06 at 3:12pm
you know GD is not about getting it right all the time - I think it's more about trying to get it right and then when it doesn't work out getting ideas, support and re-analysing what we are doing ..........so really try to focus on the things that you know you have done well and this may help you not to get demoralised
you know GDis worth it - keep going and keep positive
hugs to you
post #9 of 33
7/12/06 at 12:50am
You have not failed. You sound way better off than myself. I have 3 under the age of 3-oldest is just 2 1/2. And I am ashamed to say that I have spanked a few times, it was only when they were repeating something very dangerous, I didn't want to end up in the ER, but of course there is no real excuse. Sometimes it is so hard to chase around two toddlers all day and try to fit in ANY relaxing nursing time with the baby. I never get to just sit and nurse her without jumping up every two minutes, because they are doing something they shouldn't as they try to get my attention away from the baby. I don't know how you do it with twins, you sound like a great mom.
post #10 of 33
7/19/06 at 10:54am
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much. Here are some super-quick replies and I'll be back soon for more. I scored 70 on the PPD quiz. My DH was laid off in May. I started working 10 hours a week recently. There just isn't enough time in the day for us both to get enough sleep, do our jobs (him to job hunt), cook, clean, take care of kids, and have time for ourselves. I'll tell you how I prioritize when I come back, but I'm not doing a very good job of it.
post #11 of 33
7/21/06 at 11:32am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by peacelovingmama
Also, are you getting enough "you" time to re-fuel? I would try to make that a priority if at all possible. I know that, for me, the GD reserves need to be re-filled periodically.
Between taking care of four under five, working part-time, nursing a baby all night, & a DH who is job-hunting & has insomnia, there *is* no me time. It's just not possible right now.
post #12 of 33
7/21/06 at 3:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Megs Mom
Thank you all so much. Here are some super-quick replies and I'll be back soon for more. I scored 70 on the PPD quiz.

Please, PLEASE go see your doctor about this. 70 is SEVERE PPD : -- and it's not healthy for you, or for your family to have you suffering like this. Research has shown that severe PPD just doesn't go away on it's own - counseling, and if warranted, medications, can and do help.

Second, I hate to haul this out, but what is your dh doing? Yes, he's job hunting -- hopefully 40 hours a week. What is he doing the rest of the time? Why isn't he cooking and cleaning WITH YOU? And by the way, has HE been screened for depression? (Insomnia is a major red flag for that too.)

When you have major stressors in your life, it's time to step back and reassess how the family is run. It sounds to me like you are doing most of it, and that's not good.

I know you don't have "time" for me time, but in order to regain your mental health you may have to MAKE time -- time to see a counselor (either you alone, or with dh), time to get just a bit of energy back. Time to see a doctor. If you had pneumonia, your family would adjust.

Leave your 4 kids home with dh for half an hour 2 x a week and go for a walk. Don't come straight home from work, stop and walk. This is not an "option" is CRUCIAL for your health and the health of your family.
post #13 of 33
7/21/06 at 3:37pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaduck
I just read your siggy and noted the ages of your babies. Good grief! No wonder you are yelling! Take it easy on yourself -- you have a very tough job.

Three and four year olds are notorious for being challenging, and I would not expect a kid that age to listen well. Not to mention 3 of them all at once, working each other up, no doubt! A wild household at this point in your parenting journey does *not* indicate a parenting failure. Please! You are in a place where you just do what works, muddle through each day, and try to make sure your teeth get brushed, kwim? Nobody should be expecting model children from you, or a quiet organized household.

I have a friend with 3 children under 4 and she was telling me about how she lets them fall asleep watching TV in their room, and how she tells them Santa won't bring presents if they don't behave. My first thought was to feel disgusted and judgemental. But right on the heels of that thought was the realization that having 3 children under 4 is *exhausting* hard work, and she is amazing for keeping her cool and being mostly gentle with them. And if anyone on earth is allowed to resort to bribery now and then, or TV in bed... it is this mama. Its easy for mamas like me, with 2 kids who are 4 years apart, to set high standards. But sometimes we don't know what we are talking about!!!

Do you have enough help? Can you get more help? A 10 or 12 year old maybe? To play with the older kids each day?

The only way you will reduce your yelling and tension is to work on getting your needs met. Finding ways to sleep more, eat right, and have a little peace now and then. You are no different than a child in that way -- your bad behavior stems from unmet needs, kwim?

Good luck! Please don't write yourself off as a failure this early in the game, okay?
Thank you for every word of this. As far as getting my needs met, see my last post.

I tried to get the neighbor girl to come over and play when she was 12, once a week - but she was too busy! Not many kids that age around here and no family anywhere near us. An idea just occurred to me for when school starts. I wonder if any of the middle schools around here have community service requirements, and if playing with my kids would count?
post #14 of 33
7/21/06 at 3:49pm
What about your church? Do they have a youth group? They should consider playing with kids part of service! (And hey, it's also a great indirect plug for not having kids too young!)

Or are there other people at your church? Does your church do Steven Ministers? They might help. Sometimes there are retired women who are still young enough to hep that might jump at the chance to give you a hand. You can pay it forward when you're out of this rough patch.

The ironic thing is that what you need now is just a bit of time to tend to yourself -- but that takes time to arrange, which you don't have!

Now is not the time to be shy about asking for help. Reach out to anyone and everyone you know. They will be happy to help.
post #15 of 33
7/21/06 at 4:01pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6
Hi,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm convinced that GD is twice as hard as spanking at times because it requires so much forethought and planning. And with 4 under 5, when on earth are you goinig to get time for that?

First, have you been screened for Postpartum Depression? You have 4 children very close together (= lots of stress) and stress is a major contributor to PPD, especially since you just had a little one. I had PPD with my first, and I've "hung out" with a lot of moms online who do. "I feel like a complete failure" is a big red flag for me.
Take this quiz and see:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=201141

Second, what's ONE thing that's driving you nuts that you'd like to work on? I find that when I'm overwhelmed I want to "fix it all" right away. And I can't, of course, and so I feel MORE overwhelmed. If I back off and decide on the one or two things that are driving me nuts and work on those, things get better slowly. I find it really helpful to post about those one or two specific things, and then I can get specific feedback and ideas.

Third, I agree with the pp -- what kind of help do you have (this is actually related to my first question). Where's your time to relax? take a bath? go for a walk without having to corral 3 kids and push a stroller? It doesn't need to be long, but you do need time to refuel. Otherwise you don't have any energy left for your children. My kids are surprisingly better behaved when I'm less stressed.

Hang in there -- keep us posted. There are a lot of great parents on this board and they give great ideas.
Also, thank you so much. I love the idea of picking one or two things to work on - I do it with my own self-improvement all the time, but hadn't thought to apply it to my parenting!

I would love to take a bath or walk on the treadmill (I read while I do both) or read in bed again. I guess I miss reading! There's just no time right now.
post #16 of 33
7/21/06 at 6:42pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryLang
You have not failed. You sound way better off than myself. I have 3 under the age of 3-oldest is just 2 1/2. And I am ashamed to say that I have spanked a few times, it was only when they were repeating something very dangerous, I didn't want to end up in the ER, but of course there is no real excuse. Sometimes it is so hard to chase around two toddlers all day and try to fit in ANY relaxing nursing time with the baby. I never get to just sit and nurse her without jumping up every two minutes, because they are doing something they shouldn't as they try to get my attention away from the baby. I don't know how you do it with twins, you sound like a great mom.
Thank you. I am currently in my second year of having 3 under 3. I have my house super childproofed. I rarely interrupt nursing the baby. Also, although she is a lot of work my four year old can be helpful with the twins as well.
post #17 of 33
7/21/06 at 7:45pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6

Please, PLEASE go see your doctor about this. 70 is SEVERE PPD : -- and it's not healthy for you, or for your family to have you suffering like this. Research has shown that severe PPD just doesn't go away on it's own - counseling, and if warranted, medications, can and do help.

Second, I hate to haul this out, but what is your dh doing? Yes, he's job hunting -- hopefully 40 hours a week. What is he doing the rest of the time? Why isn't he cooking and cleaning WITH YOU? And by the way, has HE been screened for depression? (Insomnia is a major red flag for that too.)

When you have major stressors in your life, it's time to step back and reassess how the family is run. It sounds to me like you are doing most of it, and that's not good.

I know you don't have "time" for me time, but in order to regain your mental health you may have to MAKE time -- time to see a counselor (either you alone, or with dh), time to get just a bit of energy back. Time to see a doctor. If you had pneumonia, your family would adjust.

Leave your 4 kids home with dh for half an hour 2 x a week and go for a walk. Don't come straight home from work, stop and walk. This is not an "option" is CRUCIAL for your health and the health of your family.
OK. I've been suspecting I'm depressed but just not wanting to go there, I guess. I have a history of depression and OCD. I've been on meds since 1998. Can they stop working? I was seeing a therapist until DH was laid off and then I stopped to save money. Now he is in a temporary job and I have an appt. to see her in a couple of weeks (she comes to my house, thank goodness, and I don't have to find child care).

DH is wonderful with the kids. He also picks up around the house. He hasn't been as great with either since he hasn't been sleepin well. I wouldn't be surprised if he is depressed. I asked him yesterday to see a doc about the sleep issue. He seems to have developed restless legs which is problematic for both of us (but goes to the guest room when keeping me awake). He does *all* the nigttime parenting of the three eldest, & that is no small thing.

I will see my doc. Need to figure out child care for that - maybe my mom can come up from Houston (I'm in Dallas).

I work at home after the kids go to bed. That used to be my treadmill/TV/reading time but I don't know when else I can work & staying up late enough to do both is asking for a sleep-deprivation migraine.

I think one reason I am reluctant to face the depression is that I feel like it's my own damn fault for having four kids in four years. Of course it goes w/o saying that i love my children like crazy & don't blame them in any way for any of my stress.
post #18 of 33
7/21/06 at 8:11pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6
What about your church? Do they have a youth group? They should consider playing with kids part of service! (And hey, it's also a great indirect plug for not having kids too young!)

Or are there other people at your church? Does your church do Steven Ministers? They might help. Sometimes there are retired women who are still young enough to hep that might jump at the chance to give you a hand. You can pay it forward when you're out of this rough patch.

The ironic thing is that what you need now is just a bit of time to tend to yourself -- but that takes time to arrange, which you don't have!

Now is not the time to be shy about asking for help. Reach out to anyone and everyone you know. They will be happy to help.
My church has a fabulous youth group - I'll look into it. One drawback is that we drive a distance to go to church, so some might not want to drive that far to come to me (it's not *that* far, it's only 20 minutes, but it was an issue when people made us meals after Ben was born). I haven't heard of Steven Ministers but I will ask. I will of course pay it forward!

I got very good at asking for help when the twins were newborns, but I seem to have forgotten my skills lately. Your ideas are so very appreciated.
post #19 of 33
7/21/06 at 8:26pm
Thread Starter 
OK, to all: two situations that make me crazy and I don't handle well.

Crying in general. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I do my best to comfort, etc., never belittle or anything like what my dad did to me, but it just drives me absolutely nuts.

My four-year-old's chatter. She is the most talkative person I've ever met. Sometimes I wish she would just shut. up.
post #20 of 33
7/22/06 at 11:43pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Megs Mom
Crying in general. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I do my best to comfort, etc., never belittle or anything like what my dad did to me, but it just drives me absolutely nuts.
I hear that.
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