Getting called "mama"

[Arwyn]

This question is primarily for other first-timers, but I'd love to hear about everyone else's first time, too.

Already I'm getting called "mom" or "mama" by people I've told, but I don't feel like a mom yet, and I don't like it. Give me 8 months! I completely don't have a problem with other people who want to ID as "mother" however early in their pregnancy - but that's not me, and it really kinda bugs me. Having a (very much wanted) small collection of parasitic cells (with a lot of potential!) doesn't make me a mom. Yea, I talk about "my baby" and even (mostly jokingly) have referred to myself as "the world's worst mother already", but overall, until I have a baby, I won't be a mother, and it bugs me to be labelled that already.

For one thing, the label of "mom" is one of the reasons I used to swear I never wanted kids. There's just too much crap that goes along with it (all those stereotypes) that make me just not like it. Do I want to have a baby? Yes! Am I going to swoon when I first hear that child call me "mama"? Oh my goddess yes! And I even identify as an "earth mother type", but don't call me mama.

My partner suggests responding with something along the lines of "Am I your mother? No? Then shut up!" only vaguely more polite, but I love the enthusiasm for my pregnancy that's behind its use, and I don't want to quash that, so... I dunno.

I have been telling my friends that I'm not a mom yet, and give me 8 more months, although in reality I don't think it's that simple. Identities take a lot longer to grow, are a lot more complex, than that. I'll probably start feeling like a "mom" well before this baby is born, and I'll still probably find it weird when s/he's 3 years old, but I do know I'm not there yet.

Anyone else? Or am I the only "don't call me mama" freak on MotheringDotCommune?

[coffeetastesgood]

Well some people might be throwing it around innocently enough... I call most folks on here "mama" in the hippie "hey there mama!" sense... I even call folks who don't have kids yet "mama"... not in the "barefoot and pregnant tied to the home" sense...

And ya know, the stereotypes of "mom" doesn't mean that it automatically makes you like that... I like the fact that I am a mom and NOT like the stereotypes at all... bucking the system and reclaiming power for my sex! There is dignity in motherhood that got lost somewhere and I am reclaiming it for all... You can fight the power within your biological reality.

Of course you don't ever have to be called mom if you don't like it. That's what is great about having your own- you make the rules. They can call you by your first name if you prefer. As your kids grow up and call you by your first name, others will stop calling you mom.

Not a soccer mom. Not frumpy. Carrie.

[Arwyn]

I won't mind being called mom eventually, especially by my kid (although shoot me if s/he's five and I'm still saying "Give mommy the cup"), and I don't mind the generic "Hey mama" that people on MDC use. It's being called "little mama" and "how's it going there mom?" when I'm 5 weeks pregnant (that's stupid calendar time, the conceptus has only been around a little over three weeks, and I've only been pregnant for 2) that bugs me.

I just don't start IDing as "mom" right after I see y'know?

[coffeetastesgood]

Gotcha. Yeah absolutely. It takes a while for it to sink in. For my 1st it really didn't fully sink in until about a month before my due date. I didn't feel instantly bonded prenatally... I was pregnant during mother's day and felt weird getting mother's day cards from relatives, so I get what you mean.

[ATruck]

I agree. I was also pregnant on Mother's Day and had a few people tell me "Happy Mother's Day", which I found really silly. Carrying a barely-visible-to the-naked-eye blastocyst did not make me a mother.

I'm with you on not wanting to get called "mom" just yet. However, it's a personal preference, and it's fine with me if someone sees a positive pregnancy test and decides that they are a mother.

[Yo Becca]

I had the same thoughts when pg with my first (I also didn't like people calling it a baby when it was an embryo). It just all seemed overly sentimental and like an identity that wasn't mine. Even when I was a mom, when I made my MDC username, the thought of "robin'smom" or something was just SOO not me. Hence the "among other things" in my siggy. I am a mother and that is now essential to my identity. But it's far from a complete description. I respect everyone else's opinions and experiences. but for me, until I had a baby in my arms, I wasn't a mother. A pregnant woman, yes, but not a mother. (just MY experience - totally understand it's personal for everybody)

[aran]

I am going to go ahead and break with everyone elses's sentiment...

In my first pg, I felt like I had narcolepsy and food poisoning for three months, and around the end of that time, I saw for the first time, the image of DS on ultrasound. It was so amazing, because my thinking changed from "I am not a mother; I am hosting a parasite" to "I LOVE him/her. It's OK that HE/SHE is making me feel like crap, because... look how perfect and wonderful he/she is! I AM a MOTHER!" instantly. It was instant and profound. Maybe it's silly that the image was so important to me, and I wouldn't have predicted it, and I can't explain it. Later, when discernible movements started, the feeling of being a mother was cemented.

Anyhow, I still didn't like acquaintances saying "mom" to me. I asked them not to... I would just say "not yet" and let it pass. I felt like it was bad luck, and too private at that point for them to share with me. But I did feel like a mother!

[Full Heart]

Originally Posted by aran

"I am not a mother; I am hosting a parasite" to "I LOVE him/her. It's OK that HE/SHE is making me feel like crap, because... look how perfect and wonderful he/she is! I AM a MOTHER!" instantly.

I felt the same way with my first. I wasn't terribly excited to be pg and couldn't stand to hear adults calling each other 'momma' and 'daddy'. It creeped me out. I had some spotting while I was pg and it scared the living daylights out of me. I immediatly felt protective of that little tiny life inside me that I had not even felt move yet. Then I felt like a mommy. I felt like anything I went through was ok as long as the baby was ok. I didn't get over the whole adults calling each other 'momma' and 'daddy' till after the baby was born.

People say things all the time that drive us nuts. I would just put that on the list. Chalk it up to practice because there will be alot more things people will say that you will have to bite your tongue for. At least people are excited for you!

[Arwyn]

Originally Posted by Full Heart

People say things all the time that drive us nuts. I would just put that on the list. Chalk it up to practice because there will be alot more things people will say that you will have to bite your tongue for. At least people are excited for you!

Good points.

I'm incredibly excited, this is a very, very much wanted pregnancy, I do call the parasitic little collection of cells my baby, and hoo boy if I'm not already protective as all get out. I just don't like other people calling me mother or its derivatives.

Ah well. I'll correct the people I talk to a lot (my friends, close family) and smile and be gracious toward everyone else. Oy.

[deuxceleste]

This is a really old post, but I thought I'd respond... My DP has been calling me Mama from the first day we found out. It's cute, yes... But in a way I feel as if I've lost a part of my identity as his partner. Does that make sense?

ps... my sister just calls me FAT. Oh how I do adore her! (I'm hardly showing, at 15 weeks.)

[Arwyn]

An oldie but a goodie.

Yes, that would bug me. I swear the biggest reason I want to have this kid is to watch my partner be a father... but call him "daddy"? Uh, I don't think so.

Along these lines, who here despises getting patted on the stomach?? (Well, uninvited, anyway. If I had my druthers, DP would have his hand or ear on my belly 24/7 Pretty much everyone else - hands off!)

[bemommy]

You know. . .I never really had any problems when people called me "mama" when I was pregnant with my DD. What really really bugs the crap out of me is when the little friends of my DD call me "Libby's Mom". . like it's my freakin' name. Please please call me Becky or Be or even *gasp* Mrs. Perron but not "Libby's Mom"

[StrongSingleMama]

I felt weird being called mama when I was preggers but loved it afterward! I love getting mothers day cards and when my DD calls me mommy it is the best feeling in the world!

[didkisa]

OK, I'll be the odd (wo)man out and say I love it when my DH calls me mama, little mama, or mommy. : We started it a few years ago when we first got our cats (rather, I started it...hoping to get him on the right track to someday having a human baby! ) I call him papa or big papa. We don't do it in front of other people.

No one else has ever called me mama or mommy or any other derivitive. Personally I think it's because they can't really imagine me in the role yet. But then again, I still haven't told everyone I'm pregnant...only my co-workers and MIL. Guess we'll see what my own family calls me once they know...can't imagine it'll be mama, tho'.

[ani'smommy]

Oh this bugged me SO much. I wish I hadn't have told people I was pg so early. FIL even did a whole "happy mother's day" thing when I was I dunno, 8 weeks pg? Really bugged the heck out of me.