Yet more hitting, kicking, scratching...

[beckington]

OK, my ds is almost 29 months old. We've had phases on hitting etc in the past where we've done the 'gentle hands' 'cuddles instead' etc and eventually the phase has past, for whatever reason (remains a mystery to me!). Generally not giving much of a reaction is our best bet. The last few days though have been horrible! Yesterday he tried to poke dh in the eye with a wooden stick (for drums etc) after dh didn't want it in his mouth. When I'm changing his nappy he'll try to kick me - nothing new there, I say 'no kicking' and move out of the way and try a new position - but now he proceeds to stand up and kick me when I move out of the way, laughing while he does it. Last night while putting him to bed he jumped on my head and started slapping and scratching me. Laughing. And so on.

I need help. I've probably been giving too much of a reaction lately which is feeding it, since I'm taking this new violence personally. So maybe I just need to do what we've always done but I'd love any new suggestions. I'm feeling urges to put him in a time-out and that he 'needs to learn to behave'!!! Help! I'm also wondering if the simple 'no hitting' or 'use gentle hands' and then redirect is all I should be doing - or do I need to 'up' it a bit, now that he is getting older? Like when he almost poked dh's eye out I took him aside and said very firmly that he hurt Daddy (he did, the poke went under the eye, luckily his aim isn't great!) and we must use gentle hands and that the stick wasn't for hurting. Then I said poor Daddy maybe he'd like a cuddle and ds went over and gave him a cuddle and looked quite happy about that (he asked dh is he felt better too). Though I worry he enjoys the making person feel better interaction too much and that will just motivate him to hurt more often!!! Ugh. Anyhow, I feel like I've started lecturing him which I really don't like. Should I just go back to minimal reaction and redirection? HELP!

Cheers!

[Roar]

Yes, stick with minimal reaction. Remove yourself from the scene if needed.

Is he being given a physical way to get out his reaction - hit the pillow, etc. That really helps some kids.

I'd also look at making sure he's getting enough exercise (kicking a ball for sure!) and enough sleep. Those can both make a world of difference.

[beckington]

Thanks - I'll go back to the basics! He is definitely overtired - we'll working on that - and I know it's making it worse for him. Life is so much easier with a well-rested toddler!

Cheers

[DevaMajka]

Sorry if this is short- I'm nak and busy right now. But, in short, give your ds acceptable ways to express what he's trying to express. The *impulse* is legitimate, its just the way he's expressing it that's unacceptable.
So, in addition to "gentle hands" also tell him that he can't poke the stick in daddy's eyes. Then ask what other places he CAN poke the stick? in the cushions of the couch? In the hole in a toy? What other things can he do with a stick? He can bang on a drum, or the floor, etc. Make those suggestions- ime, the closer the redirection is to the impulse that dc are trying to express, the more likely it is to have a good effect. Iow, I know that my ds has learned from "redirection that honors the impulse." Sometimes now, all I have to do is tell him not to do such and such, and why. And I see him thinking through to find an acceptable alternative. And much of the time, he finds a good alternative

[DevaMajka]

Something else I just thought of- ds was sitting here poking me in my eyes, and I told him not to poke me, it hurt, blah blah. I told him to LOOK at my eyes (then I did a silly face or two). That did it.
I think that's a big thing- tell kids what to do in totally positive terms- it helps them to actually follow through. kwim? (Instead of "Don't poke me" which just puts the image of "poking eyes" into their heads, kwim?)

[Embee]

You've received some great replied on how to handle the behavior itself, but I would like to add that it's important to look beyond the behavior, as to the reasons he is behaving this way. "Children who aren't acting right, aren't feeling right."

Indeed, try NOT to take this personally. But if you must, do it from the perspective that children save their worst behavior for those whom they trust and love them unconditionally, and for those who can help them work through difficult issues. Think to yourself: if his behavior were words, what would he be trying to tell me? I would definitely take some extra time to play with him right now, as much as you can afford. Sit down, let him take the lead and follow along as he wishes you to. A child's creative play is a direct line to how he's feeling and issues he needs to work through. With you, the parent who he trusts, he can work through the issues that are fueling the behavior and help him move beyond it.

My son has been through hitting/violent phases and there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS an underlying reason. His life [to me] might look easy going and stress free enough, but when I sit down and play and see the world where he lives, I usually get a VERY different picture of things. Through our special playtime, there doesn't seem to be anything that we can't work through.

With my son, stuffed animals and dolls and even trucks in the sandbox can be very helpful. Inevitably, during a time like this, a doll or animal will start hitting and kicking the other and I'll play along. NOT allow the doll to be a passive victim, "That hurt, Wah!" but rather take it out much more dramatically by having the doll do a big dramatic fall with lots of OHs! and "YA GOT MEs!" Beyond the giggles this can create, it gives a child some power. Power is something he needs in his life to feel capable in dealing with all those things that cause anxiety and create "bad behavior." This sort of play can very well lead to the very something that explains the WHY of the behavior. With us it's been anything from being jealous of a friend's sibling, being uncomfortable being baby-sat by a certain friend, or having a huge amount of anxiety about going to sleep at night. When they are so young, they just don't have the ability to talk about stuff. Heck, even at 5 1/2, my DS prefers to play through issues much more than he can discuss them although that is slowly changing. Play can be such a powerful tool for them and for you to play along can give you such a window for what's going on inside.

Can you think of anything going on for your son that might cause him to behave this way? And remember, things that may seem little to us can be BIG for them...

Best of luck. I know from experience that this is no picnic of a situation and you have my support and sympathies.

The best,
Em

[beckington]

Thanks Becky and Em for the replies!

We have oftened tried to honour the impulse - just sometimes in the middle of things I get so frustrated I forget or can't think of what would be appropriate! The stick thing is fairly straightforward, but in the example I gave of the nappy change, I can't very well give him a ball to kick at that moment - do you think telling him we'll go kick a ball when done the nappy change, get it done as quickly as possible with a kicking toddler and then kicking the ball would suffice? Or what about the jumping on my head and scratching/hitting? What impulse is that?! :

As for the underlying reasons, I think a lot of it is simply overtiredness - he definitely takes after his momma in needing sleep! But also we recently went on a trip to London to visit family for a funeral (he didn't go so I don't think the funeral part really affected him - I stayed with him) and we went vised old friends and old neighbourhood (we moved from London to Halifax 7 months ago) and I'm pretty sure he had some sort of recognition of it all, from the way he was acting. So that might have been pretty weird for him. Plus the jetlag! We did have some unusual challenging behaviour during the trip. And, well, he's learning to use the potty at the moment! So I guess there is a lot going on. I've decided to have a lot of one-on-one time with him today and follow his lead, as suggested. See what happens. He loves to play with stuffed animals so maybe something will come from that.

But. A new development yesterday. We had friends over yesterday - a little girl his age and her baby sisters, 10 months old. He has occasionally been a bit aggressive with the girl his age but nothing massive. He has never been aggressive towards any baby. But yesterday he was going over to the baby and just pushing her for no apparent reason! Apparently her sister does the same thing and her mum doesn't understand it either. He wasn't laughing when he did it, complete straight face - he didn't really react at all when he did it. It was so weird. And the two toddlers were being pretty aggressive towards each other - lots of snatching toys and pushing - something neither of them usually do. I know the little girl was tired too. Anyhow, I was pretty disturbed by it all because except for a few isolated incidents, ds has never been aggressive to anyone other than myself or dh. And the little baby! Suggestions on how to deal with this? We have a playdate tomorrow - 3 toddlers and 2 babies (including the same ones from yesterday) coming over to our house. I'm scared! Working on getting him plenty of sleep today/tonight. He had a good night's sleep last night so that's a start.

I want my sweet little boy back!!

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by beckington

We have oftened tried to honour the impulse - just sometimes in the middle of things I get so frustrated I forget or can't think of what would be appropriate! The stick thing is fairly straightforward, but in the example I gave of the nappy change, I can't very well give him a ball to kick at that moment - do you think telling him we'll go kick a ball when done the nappy change, get it done as quickly as possible with a kicking toddler and then kicking the ball would suffice? Or what about the jumping on my head and scratching/hitting? What impulse is that?! :

I totally feel ya on not coming up with solutions in the moment. lol.
It seems that the impulse could be that he doesn't want it to be done to him at that moment. lol.
For diapers, I do my very very best to not change diapers if ds is against having them changed. I'll say "it's time to get your diaper changed" and he'll say "no" my response is to say "ok, you don't want your diaper changed right now." I might go do something then come back to change him (usually is ok with it by then) or I'll point out to him that his diaper is wet- I tell him to feel down the front of his diaper to feel the wet (or if he's in a disposable, I'll tell him to feel that its squishy), and I tell him that I think he'd be more comfortable with the wet diaper off. He usually agrees with me on that logic.
And I make it a point, if he doesn't seem to want his diaper changed, to tell him that I just want to get the wet diaper OFF. We don't have to put a new diaper on right away.
Then there is always our kissing games that I do when I really think a diaper ought to be changed right away. I kiss his toes, his nose, his belly, etc. While I'm actually changing, I tell him to think of another place I can give him a kiss. It turns it into fun interaction, rather than something that is merely done to him.

The jumping on your head- could that be because he doesn't want to go to bed? or because there is some sort of frustration or energy built up? Give him other ways to get that out. Make a mad face, roar like a lion, clap his hands hard, whatever. Or give him words to express those feelings (though I don't imagine words alone would help him feel like he's expressed it enough).

Dunno about the agression with playmates- we rarely get to see other kids. Sorry, but a good night's sleep seems like a good first step!

[beckington]

Thanks! The roaring like a lion idea is a great idea - he loves to do that anyhow, so I'll try to work that in. The kicking with nappy changing usually occurs towards the end and he's usually happy to get his nappy changed - comes to me to tell me it's dirty. But maybe I'm taking too long and that's why he starts kicking - I'll try to go faster! As for sleep, well he got another good night sleep last night though I can tell he is still tired, but hopefully we are getting there! I'll keep at the sleep thing.

Cheers!

[Embee]

Originally Posted by beckington

He has never been aggressive towards any baby. But yesterday he was going over to the baby and just pushing her for no apparent reason! Apparently her sister does the same thing and her mum doesn't understand it either. He wasn't laughing when he did it, complete straight face - he didn't really react at all when he did it. It was so weird. And the two toddlers were being pretty aggressive towards each other - lots of snatching toys and pushing - something neither of them usually do. I know the little girl was tired too. Anyhow, I was pretty disturbed by it all because except for a few isolated incidents, ds has never been aggressive to anyone other than myself or dh. And the little baby! Suggestions on how to deal with this? We have a playdate tomorrow - 3 toddlers and 2 babies (including the same ones from yesterday) coming over to our house. I'm scared! Working on getting him plenty of sleep today/tonight. He had a good night's sleep last night so that's a start.

Oh I feel ya, mama! One of our hardest moments with DS hitting was when he took to hitting his playmates younger sibling, at the time about a year old. He had always been so gentle and sweet toward the baby and I was shocked and upset! I was lucky to be reading "Playful Parenting" (Lawrence Cohen) at the time which explained that only children can show signs of sibling jealousy as well. In our case, it was a little more complex. DS was being babysat by my friend who is great but who was very involved with the baby and depended on her older child (my DS's pal) to be more independent. She left them alone quite a bit (they were 3 - 3 1/2 at the time) and this made DS VERY uncomfortable. Somehow, rather unconsiously DS realized that by hitting the baby, he got "insta-mom" who DIDN'T leave them to their own devices as much to make sure of the baby's safety. When she brought DS inside with her when the other two were playing (to make sure baby was safe while she couldn't attend), he was THRILLED rather than feeling punished. But I digress...

Aggression is a sign of stress. Sometimes it's situational like being tired or hungry or just having an off day and other times related to an overall emotional growth spurt. But just as often there is an underlying reason for the behavior and getting to the root of the problem can really help. Just acknowledging and giving the child a voice for his confused feelings. With DS, we played a lot during this time and hitting came up A LOT in play. He even made up his own game with puppets called, "Hit Back." Somewhere a long the line a conversation came up which helped me realize what was going on. I was able to talk with my friend, let her know what was bothering him and we were able to come up with a better time and solution for babysitting...

Also, I did suspend playdates and babysitting for a few weeks because it was clear they were causing DS a lot of stress. Getting a break from the social action gave us more time to connect to each other and work things through. When the social action resumed, we kept playdates to more neutral territory like the park or playground or beach and as I think of it, I can't recall holding another playdate here at the house until I started babysitting his pal once a week... but that's a lot different: One parent, no distractions, and I'm able to focus on the kids as much as they need. Get to parents talking, add a younger sibling and it's a whole new ballgame. *sigh*

I'm rambling, but know my heart goes out to you. I know what it is to be the parent with the kid who is hitting/pushing and it can be very hard. But also know that this is a very normal sign of stress in the child and most stresses can be acknowledged and worked through.

Hang in there.

P.S. One idea to help with playdates is to "play playdate" before the friends arrive at your house. A good role play game can help. Perhaps pretend to be the other child (or baby sib) and follow your DS's lead. He might want to rule the day or maybe he'll share and share alike. Whatever the case, go with it and let him call the shots. Sometimes having been given the chance to be king for a bit BEFORE friends come over, can help him relax once they are there and be more able to deal with sharing, etc.

The best,
Em