Please help me to understand...

[~gilli~]

Why is it wrong to raise your voice at your kids? Is that not part of life. It almost seems like putting them in bubble wrap, because what will happen when some other person yells at them down the road. What coping skills will they have?

[Roar]

Originally Posted by ~gilli~

Why is it wrong to raise your voice at your kids? Is that not part of life. It almost seems like putting them in bubble wrap, because what will happen when some other person yells at them down the road. What coping skills will they have?

My hope is what they will have is an understanding that they don't deserve to be yelled at, or hit, or abused in anyway.

There is a theory that suggests that life is rough so we mind as well get them used to it now. It says that it is the parents' job to introduce rough stuff so the kid gets tougher. I think there is some truth that if you did wrap your children in bubble wrap and protect them from any disappointment that wouldn't be a functional life and it would be a problem. My experience though is that life offers enough hardship naturally all on its own without needing parents to add to the burden. My hope is that kids will learn that while the world can be a big scary place sometimes, there is always a safe place to weather out those storms with their friends and family.

[hubris]

Here's my personal feelings about it:

The human voice has a fairly broad dynamic range, and can be used to express a variety of emotions. It is absolutely normal and natural to use it softly and loudly, and to express all kinds of emotions with it.

BUT

It's not OK to speak disrespectfully to a person. Yelling/screaming at a child - or anybody - is pretty disrespectful.

I don't think anybody is saying that parents should use a kitten-soft voice with children at all times. Use that voice, express yourself, teach them to express themselves, but be respectful of each other.

[cmb123]

I just don't find yelling useful. I certainly don't respond well to being yelled at myself. I don't see it as an effective way to communicate. The most it could possibly do for the kids is to instill some sort of fear of me in them, which is not at all what I am aiming for in my relationship with my kids ( or anyone else in the world for that matter).
There are many unpleasant things that may or may not happen to my kids "in the real world" They may get yelled at, or punished, or even hit. But that doesn't mean that I should do it to them.

[captain crunchy]

Yes, what all the previous posters said.

I don't understand the whole "they have to learn the world isn't fair" arguement. Sure they will learn that, I have no doubt that some of the more abrasive or mean people in the world will show my daughter that people aren't always nice. She doesn't have to learn that from me. What she will learn from me and dh is that she deserves love, respect, to be heard, to be treated in a kind manner, and that if we ever treat her disrespectfully, we will make every attempt to make amends -- which is what I hope she will do if she ever disrespects someone or treats them in a not so good way due to her own frustrations.

[ibex67]

Ummm... It's scary and intimidating and an abuse of power? Those are my reasons for not doing it. Now of course it happens sometimes. But the look on my kids' faces when it happens reminds me how hurtful it is. And I apologize afterwards.

Sometimes I need to scream -- but there are ways to do it without yelling AT someone, yk?

[rmzbm]

Very good answers from everyone! I hope the OP has come back to read.

[MissRubyandKen]

to all pps

I am not naturally a yelling parent, BUT I have still raised my voice at my children here and there in my less than moments. I am human, I am not pefect. I find it hard to believe that any parent could get through their child's entire childhood without slipping up and raising their voice. The times I have I have made amends. So I guess to an extent it is part of life, but does it need to be any more a part of life than that? I wouldn't want it to be.

I have explained to my children that we are capable of using different voices for reasons. We are capable of shouting for a reason, to warn someone of danger or to speak over top of loud noises. We talked about the urge to shout sometimes when angry and why it isn't very effective at getting you heard in that circumstance. It is much more likely to turn the other person off to what you are saying than on. Being yelled at doesn't feel good, yk? And I have to say I wouldn't want to hear my kids' justifying them shouting at me in that way, 'Well mom, you have to have coping skills to deal with other people yealling at you anyway, so you better turn those on' Just doesn't make much sense when I turn it around that way, yk?

[~gilli~]

I have come back to read. Thank you for you info, but I still don't understand how raising your voice is

scary and intimidating and an abuse of power

I was not talking of screaming like a banshie, but a raised firm voice. Is that what ya'll are talking about?

[MissRubyandKen]

I for one just try to model speaking how I would like to be spoken to as much as humanly possible for me.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by ~gilli~

I was not talking of screaming like a banshie, but a raised firm voice. Is that what ya'll are talking about?

Personally, I do think there is a difference between a firm, raised voice and "yelling", but I may be alone on the board : . WHen I think of "yelling", I think of anger and ranting, and name calling, and berating When I think of a firm, raised voice, I think of someone saying something they had said before, like, "Please leave that on the table", just a little louder and more firmly than the time before. When I think of a firm voice like that, nothing is said ABOUT the person (child), nothing about them as a person (like someone screaming, "why can't you do anything right?!!?!?!?" - that's horrible, and that's what I consider yelling).

A firm voice, raised in volume a little to get a point across if you are not at that moment able to go to your child and interact with them eye to eye...which I am finding has happened already for me, with a nursing newborn and a 2-1/2 year old! :

I do have a problem with someone just ranting at a child and making personal insults part of it; nobody deserves that, especially a small child. That's not something I want them to learn from me, and that's not something I want them to think they deserve from anyone, so if someone does "yell" at them in that manner in the future, I want them to know they don't have to stand for it and should stick up for themselves.

Raising my voice, however, is the last tool in my toolbox, and reserved for times when I can't get to my child right away but need him to stop doing something; and I keep it focused on the action and issue, not him.

I'm not sure if any of that makes any sense at all; I'm working on 10 days' worth of 4 hours of sleep a night....what a difference a new babe makes! I'll come back and see if I agree with myself later on this afternoon

[nwaddellr]

I agree with the PPs that a firm, raised voice is not the same as yelling. My personal response to yelling is wanting to cry (even as an adult) and the few times that I have broken down and yelled at my DS, he's had the same response. That's just not a helpful, learning response for whatever situation we're in so I do try to avoid it as much as possible.

[cmb123]

Originally Posted by ~gilli~

I was not talking of screaming like a banshie, but a raised firm voice.

Well, let me start out by saying I certainly can't claim I've never done this, but I really, really try not to. That being said- I feel personally if I were using a "raised firm voice" my motive would be to somehow intimidate my kids- the only possible exception I can think of right now would be if I were to need to stop my child from doing something really dangerous- which still would be to try to intimadate or scare them into stopping what they are doing. I wouldn't use it to discipline them as I just find that I have many other very effective ways to do that.

[alegna]

I try not to use a voice that I wouldn't feel okay using with my husband (or him using with me)

Children are not lesser people, they deserve that level of respect.

-Angela

[familylove]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

Yes, what all the previous posters said.

I don't understand the whole "they have to learn the world isn't fair" arguement. Sure they will learn that, I have no doubt that some of the more abrasive or mean people in the world will show my daughter that people aren't always nice. She doesn't have to learn that from me. What she will learn from me and dh is that she deserves love, respect, to be heard, to be treated in a kind manner, and that if we ever treat her disrespectfully, we will make every attempt to make amends -- which is what I hope she will do if she ever disrespects someone or treats them in a not so good way due to her own frustrations.

Beautifully said!!

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by ~gilli~

What coping skills will they have?

Hopefully they will have the skill to reply calmly and clearly and get their point across to someone who has so little self control the only way they know how to get attention is to yell. It is so ironic this post would be here right now, because I just got off the phone with my mom, who yelled constantly and still does. She said something that upset me, but instead of raising my voice I just simply replied "Mom I really wish you wouldn't say things like that, its rude." And she sincerely apologized. No fight, no yelling back and forth. Just a civilized conversation between two people. Being able to keep a cool head is a much more effective "coping skill" than being able to yell until you're blue in the face.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by ~gilli~

What coping skills will they have?

Better ones than I have, I hope!

A firm voice is different from yelling. I do yell, and it's the one thing I'm working on in my parenting right now. And there is a difference.

My kids, at least, recognize that yelling is disrespectful and shouldn't be done. So, my children recognize they are worthy of respect. Thus, when someone is disrespectful to them, they will not take it as 'deserved' but as something shocking and/or undeserved. That's why I'm trying to change from YELLING to calm but firm.

[Soundhunter]

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

I for one just try to model speaking how I would like to be spoken to as much as humanly possible for me.

I agree with this, as much as possible I parent in a "do as I do" way, by modelling to her what we consider to be socially acceptable behavior.

When I am correcting her or being coercive and expecting obedience, or expressing disapproval, I strive to do so with a calm, quiet, low voice rather than a loud scary violent one. When I lose my cool and raise my voice I apologize for it after and let her know that it is innapropriate for me to talk to her, or anyone like that, but that it happens sometimes when we're mad. I don't think it's the end of the world for family members to be genuinely angry sometimes and to raise their voices, but I don't think it's the ideal way to consistently communicate to children, or anyone, for that matter.

[snugg_bug]

I think that there are different schools of thought here. On the one hand, I don't condone yelling. I think that when you yell, it can cause your kids to become jumpy, nervous and in some instances it has been linked to ADD. Mind you, I think that the circumstances would have to be very harsh for these things to happen. On the other hand, if your children are raised in a loving, compassionate, non-judgmental environment, and one day your toddler is about to step off the top of the stairs and you holler at them, that's entirely different. Sometimes, I think raising your voice does have its place, as mentioned in my example, to quickly get your child’s attention. I think it also serves a purpose, that when you are trying to make a clear point, and depending on the age and development of your child, raising your voice - or rather - adjusting your tone, is sending another message to your child than simply speaking calmly. I believe that a stressed voice is required sometimes. It all depends on the situation. And I would clarify, that there is a difference between "yelling" and "raising your voice". Many parents will not agree with me on this point. If you have a healthy child, mentally healthy, secure, independent, than I don't believe that raising your voice is going to "damage their little worlds". I believe our children are stronger than that.

[irinam]

Originally Posted by ~gilli~

=What coping skills will they have?

I often compare the mental / emotional health with physical.

For example, yes, the world is a b**ch in the sense that we have poluted atmosphere, dangerous chemical all around, you name it. But I would not think of "increasing" my children's coping skills by introducing them to those elments, kwim? Exposure to harmful chemicals and pollutants would NOT toughen them up and prepare them for the life in "real world"

I will instead try to provide as fresh air environment as possible, as nutritious food choices as possible, breastfeed as long as possible. I would not for a moment think that providing those things (that the rest of the world might NOT be full of) will diminish their coping skills.

You and I know that in actuality it is vice versa - people with stronger immune system and health are able to cope with "real world" environment better.

Same thing with emotional well being - the more nurturing, loving and educational environment i provide, the BETTER my kids will be equipped for the future dealing with the "real world"

Hope the above made sense