Please help me to understand... - Page 3

[mbravebird]

Originally Posted by sledg

If I can just not react and just pay attention to those thoughts that feed the anger/feer/whatever then often other possible responses to the situation (helpful ones) just sort of become apparent. It's hard to describe-there's an aspect of things just falling away once they're recognized, there's some bit of self-empathy, there's a bit of recognizing how to take care of my own needs rather than looking to my children to meet those needs through their behvavior, there's a bit of becoming more aware of my children's actual needs/feelings or a shift in perspective about that which comes from the recognition of how my own thoughts/feelings/needs are impacting my perception and from the falling away of certain thoughts/assumptions/whatever. There is value in quiet and the choice of non-action in that immediate moment.

I am able to "get" this, although it makes my heart beat faster it seems so near and understandable and yet so far away. You know? Truly, I had to catch my breath a little while reading it. I think I recognize it as something I am capable of and really want -- and perhaps even have been able to do in some other situations -- but it has been slipping away from me, and feeling less like a natural possibility.

I almost think I would benefit from having a co-parent for a day, you know? So sledg, will you come over and stand next to me during our move next week?? I could really use to turn to someone and tell them the thoughts and feelings I'm having, have them say back to me the self-talk (or self-listening) that I can offer myself, and then with that reminder/vision intact, re-enter the situation. Sort of like a parenting doula, lol.

Thanks for visioning with me, sledg. I really appreciate it. So this week I'll be trying some of these things, trying to approach both myself and my son with some of that gentle respectfulness of our feelings/needs that you've articulated in your posts. I know that spot in myself, I know it's there. Thanks for the visioning, again.

[Magella]

You're quite welcome. And so you know-I still struggle with this stuff a lot, though I am happy to say that I've graduated from rage and lots of yelling to plain old anger that I can express better and I'm doing so much better in the parenting department these days.

You know what helped me begin to figure this out? It was one part in a book that talked about breaking habits. This author suggested that the key to breaking a habit was understanding where the urge to engage in that habit comes from (in the book it was smoking and nail-biting, but I figured yelling is as much a habit as those and I wanted to break it). So the author suggested that the next time the urge comes up, it would be helpful for one to *not* try to stop oneself from engaging in that habit but to simply notice the urge and what brings up the urge. Just notice. Just watch. Don't try to stop yourself. And I decided this was worth a shot but it was incredibly scary because I thought if I don't try to stop myself, I'm giving myself permission to yell, and if I give myself permission to yell I'll do it, and if that continues I'll eventually become this horribly abusive parent. And I saw that this was, of course, silly because I wanted so very much to become a better, gentler parent. These thoughts were coming from cultural messages I had long ago internalized that said that people are basically bad, and that without intruction about what is right and without intimidation, reward or punishment people will naturally choose the worst possible path. When I recognized these assumptions within myself, I let go of them just enough to give this process a try. So the next time I wanted to yell, I didn't try to stop myself. And you know what happened? Immediately I felt a lessening of that urge to yell. In that moment when I felt that lessening I knew I wasn't bad, and I didn't need to use intimidation or punishment or reward on myself. What I needed to give myself was the gift of listening with compassion. And then I recognized some of what was going on inside of me that led to my yelling. And you know, this helped my ability to listen to my kids with compassion grow. It was a gift to all of us.

Good luck with your move. Moving is hard. Remember to take care of yourself. Our children need us to care for ourselves as well as them.

[Bearsmama]

sledg-Are you cheating on our other thread? Seriously, though, I've been lurking a bit here, on this one and keeping up with the posts. I think mbrave's posts are so honest and get right to the heart of the "yelling matter". And once again, sledg-Your words are so right on, so important for me tonight. Thanks for this thread and your public discussion on yelling.

[georgia]

Have y'all ever heard the interesting twist on an old saying:

"Don't just do something, stand there."

It seemed to fit in w/sledg's beautiful posts

[WuWei]

bumping.

Pat

[WuWei]

Bumping.

Pat