My gosh.. I need help

[TypicalSituation]

Ok, so I was raised in a spanking, yelling home by my single mother. I told myself that I would never do that when I had kids. That was before I met my match with my son. I try not to spank, and do time out, but have spanked on occasion just as a not thinking about it reaction. Meaning, I never sat down, and took his diaper off and spanked him... more like, he did something so bad and I just sorta swatted his diaper. I do yell alot more than I would like mostly because he doesn't listen to me. My son is very smart and curious and err... exuberant. He is a very very active, easily bored kid that learns really quickly. I am so worn out by him. He is hyper and whiny and super dramatic. I don't know how to discipline him. He won't listen to me. And bedtime is the worst. It takes him 2 hours or more to wind down and finally go to sleep. He is in and out of bed and getting into stuff and trying not to go to sleep. I do a bedtime routine of books, songs, kisses maybe a backrub but it doesn't make a difference with him. It is so stressful because by then I am just ready for a break. Right now my dh is working and living about 8 hrs away until we can move there, so I am single parenting. I am just at the end of my rope with this kid. I understand he is only 2, but my god he drives me crazy. He throws things and is just rough in general. I guess what I am needing help with is: tips for controlling my temper and staying patient and maybe some good books to read. I am trying so hard to be a GD parent but, when you were yelled at and spanked, you don't have a good example to follow. TIA

[LynnS6]

Hi,

Kudos to you for wanting to change your family cycle. My family yelled (my parents spanked too, but I was #5 and so I only got it once!) and I know how hard that is to not do. I struggle with that daily.

I would highly recommend the book "Parenting with Purpose" by Linda Madison. It's great for the 1-3 year old age group (I'm not so hit in the head with her ideas for 4 year olds, but the general approach does work). You might also check out "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen and some of the other books in the "Sticky" at the top of the page. (I recommend those 2 in particular because they give specific ideas in additionn to general philosophy. And when I'm in a 'bad spot' in my parenting, I first need specific help, then I need philosophy).

First, acknowledge that you are in a very stressful position right now because you are a single parent (temporarily). As part of that, make sure that you have toddlerproofed the house to the maximum. You want an environment that leads to as few battles as possible. So the safer your house is, the fewer battles you'll have to start with.

Second, for listening, as one of my friends put it "act, don't yak". In our house, I repeat requests once, maybe twice. After that, I get up, and go over and gently help my child comply. (I know some moms here don't agree with that necessarily, but I find it to be extremely effective.) So, it goes "on your bottom or on your knees in the chair, please" (dd continues to stand), "on your bottom or knees" (dd continues to stand). "I'm going to come help your body be safe" (dd either sits or I gently help her sit). Sometimes this is responded to with a major tantrum, but mostly she smiles and sits. If she does it again, I help her down from the chair and we are all done with the chair for a bit.

Third, tell your child what TO DO rather than what not to do. This is really hard in the beginning, but it works so well. So, instead of saying "don't stand on the chair" say "sit on your bottom". Adults respond better to this too -- what do you do if someone says "don't look over your shoulder right now"? You turn and look of course! But if they said, "hey, look up there!" would you even think of looking over your shoulder?

Fourth, redirect your child to something similar. So, when our daughter wants to bounce on the couch (out at our house for a variety of safety reasons), I put the couch cushions on the floor and tell her to bounce there. (At least then she won't go through the plate glass window behind the couch!) Have your thrower throw things into a basketball hoop (you can get a cheap one with suction cups to put on the wall) or a laundry basket.

Fifth, make sure that you get OUT OF THE HOUSE for an hour or two EVERY MORNING. He sounds like a very active child (you might also want to read "The Emotional Life of the Toddler" to help you understand him). These are great qualities for an older child and an adult, but you're right, they are exhausting for a parent. He needs LOTS of large motor time to run, jump, climb, etc. Doing it in the morning helps set his clock so he's more ready to sleep at night.

Finally, your son sounds overtired to me. When is bedtime? Does he still nap? Our daughter is very like that. It's a fine balance between overtired (and she won't go to sleep without major drama) and not tired enough (if she's had a late nap). She's in the evil "giving up the nap" stage, meaning she's too tired not to take a nap, but too awake if she does. Make sure he's up from his nap (if he takes one) no later than 3 PM. Then make sure he goes to bed at a reasonable hour. Try moving bedtime back 15 minutes a day for 3-4 days and see if getting it an hour earlier helps. (This is especially hard for a single parent. There are times when I am so grateful to have back up at bedtime!)

[plantmama]

I didn't grow up with much yelling and little spanking but I react way too often to my ds this way. The age of two has shaken all my strongly held parenting beliefs. I do the smacking his butt thing too , not very often but I've done it and that just shocks me. I've also grabbed his arm, yelled, thrown my own tantrums....it is really a tough age.
My ds dosn't even sound as wild as yours. He's just soooo willful and gets super dramatic if there is something he can't have his way and it's really hard to always deal with that well.
I've begun to realize that I am feeling as helpless and angry with ds as I did when I was a child and no one listened to me or did what I wanted. This has made me in turn realize the importance of giving my child a sense of control over his own life (which is hard to balance with taking care of him as the adult) and at least that he is listened to and respected.
We run into difficulty a lot. There are things he simply can't do: destroy things in the house, throw food on the floor, eat only sweets, run the show ALL the time! This would be bad for him and us.
I've read Naomi Aldort's book- Raising our Children, Raising ourselves, and really loved it, but there is a reason she doesn't use many if any examples of two year olds, she kind of talks about babies and then children over 4. Still it's a good book for looking at yourself and then moving on to being a respectful, loving parent. I actually feel the need to use more direct discipline than she really talks about, but the general ideas are good.
Sorry this was kind of disjointed.
Here's hoping it gets easier with age.

[mamaduck]

I think Lynn hit on every important point!



Do I understand correctly that you have a baby as well? One thing to be aware of, our expectations of older siblings tend to be too high when there is a new baby in the house. We forget that the "Big one" is a baby too. So just remind yourself not to compare him to the baby, and to lower your expectations about his behavior.

For example, let go of the expectation that he will "listen" to you at 2 yo. They don't. Expect to have to follow him around and physically "help" him follow through with the things you ask of him.

Creating a safe enviornment to explore is great advice. Minimize the potential for fights by making everything "okay" for him to get into. And *definately* get him out of the house and *stimulated* for a couple hours every day.

I would relax about bedtime. I spent hours a day trying to put my oldest to bed, and I regret wasting that much time and effort on something that didn't matter very much. Not to mention the number of times I lost my temper over something that didn't matter very much! With my 2nd baby, I recognized that if I'm going to spend 2 hours with him, I'd rather be playing than fighting. Sleep comes more easily when they are ready!

[Bridge's Mom]

Reflections

First congratulate yourself for reaching out. Second, what I am about to say is what helps me the most and is the most challenging pill to swallow at times. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your son. He is reflecting you and that is the bottom line. Relax, set your rhythm, take care of yourself and your son will follow. I wouldn't listen if my mom yelled at me either and I often didn't; I was verbally and emotionally abused instead of spanked -- similar shame and punishment just not as visible. Bedtime and consistency are really important. Keep it short and simple, that is what has worked with our son. One story, one song, in bed. I had one very challenging night and actually put the gate up in his doorway so he was safe in his room and went to my room to regroup (all of 3 minutes) he screamed and cried and didn't like it. I told him stay in your bed and no gate and he has been there ever since. I have had a lot of anxiety, trauma and he has picked up on all of it. Now we are undoing the patterns. I hope this helps. Please do what you can to be tender with you and love you and talk to you and soothe you for all the spankings you got. Because your son is going to up the anty and really push your buttons -- thank goodness THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY TO HEAL AND CHANGE THE PARENT PROGRAM YOU WERE RAISED WITH; YOU ARE BOTH BLESSED AND THE CHAOS IS NORMAL. YOU ARE ALRIGHT AND SO IS HE, JUST SLOW DOWN AND ENJOY. Sometimes I can feel such rage, I just calm myself and then tend to my son.
I hope this helps.

[annarosa]

just remember you are a single mamma at this point AND you are doing a great job - dont expect things to be perfect, you are doing your best and so is ds - cut him and yourself some slack and look forward to when you can get more support in your parenting from dh
hugs to you

[Hippiemommie]

I was raised in a spanking and yelling home. I think it always helps me to take a breath before I react to anything. I encourage myself when I do this and I find that DS is staring to take a breath before he reacts too. It is funny to see his niece snatch a toy away and DS will stand there, take a breath and either snatch it back or just go get a new one.

You have to decide that there is NO excuse for hitting a child. Until you tell yourself and really believe it you will make excuses for doing it and continue to do it. I did have DS on a schedule also and 6 out of 7 days it would be a fight to get him to go to bed. Now I nurse him and if he falls asleep great, if not I put him back down and let him play more. I am so serious when I say this has saved him and I so many headaches. I put him into bed when he is drop dead tired and he goes right to sleep and stays asleep almost all night long. Good luck Mama. You can do it!

[mamachandi]

hey whats your guys' diet like? I would (along with what evryone else said) evaluate that. My kids bedtime routine goes up in smoke if the've had a weird eating day. we do very little white products(sugar,flour etc) and more fresh healthy foods,mostly organic(99%). they take a daily vitamin,spirulina.get excersise daily and sunshine. at about an hour before bed I draw the shades and lower the lites, turn off the tv,and have quiet play. I may put on soft music. then when its bedtime they are ready for story,a song or two and I lay with them until they go to sleep(it takes about a 1/2 hour of laying there with them after story and songs so about an hour total every night.) I treasure that time with them. I hope some of this helps. good luck