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) But my mom was emotionally abusive. She was mad at the world, especially my dad for not being the perfect husband, and I somehow bore the brunt of that anger; I have enough stories to fill a book. There was also absolutely no communication in our house. We were really good at keeping everything bottled up inside. I learned about sex from friends and teen magazines.
It also makes me want to give my parents a big hug, because with all their flaws, they tried (and still try) to be the best parents they could be, and I think they succeeded pretty well; my brother, sister, and I are pretty well-adjusted adults and we are all still very close as a family. I certainly can better appreciate them now. 
to all you brave mamas!
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Originally Posted by Rigama
For a long time I didn't want kids because I was afraid i'd turn out just like she did.
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. DH and I were just talking about family of origin patterns and present relationships so the timing was very relevant for me. Thanks for the poll. It was good to see a number of people had chosen "mostly GD." I was kind of surprised. 
to all of us who are breaking the cycle of abuse!
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Originally Posted by Jennisee
I voted for the fourth option, "by parents who hit, shamed, coerced, and/or punished."
They firmly believed that children are born evil and manipulative and have to taught to be good. My dad likes to brag how I was left to CIO for hours the night they brought me home from the hospital, so that I was taught to be a "good baby" who slept all night. (When my little brother was born, there were nursery volunteers who picked up babies who cried, and my dad told the nurse supervisor that no one was to pick up my brother when he cried.) They spanked with fly swatters. They forced us to eat everything on our plate, even if it made us throw up. They forced us to "face our fears" by making us get into water when we couldn't swim and hold the bug that we were so scared of we were crying. I was a very messed up little kid--socially awkward, OCD tendencies, terrified of making a mistake, bed wetter. When I got to be older, like junior high and high school, my dad stopped doing the abusive stuff and became almost GD. (I guess if you learn 'em right when they're little, you don't need it when they're older? ) But my mom was emotionally abusive. She was mad at the world, especially my dad for not being the perfect husband, and I somehow bore the brunt of that anger; I have enough stories to fill a book. There was also absolutely no communication in our house. We were really good at keeping everything bottled up inside. I learned about sex from friends and teen magazines.They did a few things right, though. Despite their major flaws parenting, they were both really intelligent about the way the world works. I think when I moved out of the house, I was equipped with almost all the skills I needed to make it in the world. They were surprisingly laid-back about alcohol and dating and partying. They instilled in me the importance of education, self-reliance, and responsibility and taught me to avoid shallow people and superficial things. What has been interesting to me is the way my views about them have changed since my daughter was born. I have a greater respect for the things they right, but I have developed a deep anger for the things they did very, very wrong |
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Originally Posted by MRDCatLvr
None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.
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| It's really hard to make sense of how the person who seemed to be the least violent felt like the least caring. The one who seemed the most violent was the only one who made sure I had the basic skills for self-care. And the person who took the middle path was the one who actually was the most loving, but still didn't make sure I could care for myself as an adult. Because of these experiences, it really peeves me off when people thing any one method of child care or discipline is the answer, or that any one type of discipline will ruin a kid. There are far more factors involved in raising a kid than whether you spank or don't spank. Love, concern, keeping an eye towards your child's future and his ability to care for himself, and keeping an eye open towards each child's individuality counts for a lot. So many people simply look at their own childhoods and think anything must be better than what I went through. Some think, as my mother did-- you shouldn't have to teach children much, they'll just grow and absorb. I've met kids who lived like that and many of us have a lot of resentment over not having basic skills our parents had. Others put people who beat them within an inch of their lives in the same catagory as those who were mild and occasional spankers who were just afraid to have their kids go wrong. It's all crazy. People are very different, and it doesn't help us understand what is really going on in families if we can't be honest about the subject. And having been raised by three very different women, I've come to the conclusion that parenting in opposition to your how you were parented just isn't always the answer for your unique kid-- because your kid wasn't parented by your parents!!!! Your kid is not you. Your kid does not carry the baggage your carry. You need to parent based on who your kid is, not just in reaction to how your personally were parented, or else you'll find you had the best intentions, but you'll still be doing your kid a disservice. Seriously. If nothing else, at least remember your kid doesn't carry your baggage and your grudges. So re-parent your self if you have to. But then also keep an eye on your kid and decided what to do with him or her from where they are starting, not from where you are starting. That's JMO. Faith |
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Originally Posted by faithnj
You need to parent based on who your kid is, not just in reaction to how your personally were parented, or else you'll find you had the best intentions, but you'll still be doing your kid a disservice. Seriously. If nothing else, at least remember your kid doesn't carry your baggage and your grudges. So re-parent your self if you have to. But then also keep an eye on your kid and decided what to do with him or her from where they are starting, not from where you are starting. That's JMO.
Faith |
They did not have a happy family.
, and we did. My dad was also a drinker, still is, and now is a very alone man. I was happy when my mom left him and remarried and gave birth to my little brother. I don't exactly pity my dad, but feel sorry for what he doesn't even know he miised and is missing. He will call me occasionally but rarely asks after his grandkids, doesn't want to see them. | I was made to eat vegetables that made me dry retch [ cauliflower]. |
His mom was with several different men, none exactly winners. She drank and the men did too, and sometimes did drugs too. She didn't stick up for him
: . He was hit, shamed, name called, coerced, etc. He also was sent to live with other people more than half the time. He's been through more families than you could count on your fingers. hugs to all you mommas who had things rough.
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Originally Posted by faithnj
I've said it before, I'll say it again. As a partial reaction to how she was parented, my mother did GD in the 60's-70's, and she sucked as a parent, and I had no respect for her. I don't know what she was reading back in those days, but there was a lot of talk about "we don't do this or that in the community," a lot of non-reaction to my bad behavior and a lot of leaving the room. She never did anyting to hurt me, but I never felt she was emotionally involved, and I really hated her. I would hit her, scream at her and do things like throw my socks in her dinner bowl just to see if she'd do anything. (She never did.) She also has some theories about how kids would just grow naturally and didn't need a lot of guidance (Meanwhile she was one of the most educated and capable people you'd ever want to meat.) How in the world she got the idea that I'd just learn how to do things through osmosis is beyond me. Whatever the case, a therapist suggested she let me live with my father instead because she didn't think there was much hope for a relationship between us. She just never felt like a mother to me.
Faith |
And, I've done a lot of research to learn good parenting, since I really don't have great role models for that.
