Coping wth Fears

[dj'smommy]

Hello. I am looking for some support I guess. I am 32 right now and will be 33 in December. I lost my mom to cancer when I was only 10 and she was 33. I have felt very lost and alone without her ever since. My dad also passed on at 46 from cancer and I was 24. I do have a stepmother and stepsister but we never got along and do not talk now (my stepmother was a very uncaring and manipulative woman). Neither of my parents ever got to see me married or got to meet my ds. Not to mention my husband was adopted and both his adoptive parents passed before we were married as well. He has a stepmother but they aren't, nor have they ever been, close. He did find his birth mother but they never started any type of relationship. Anyway, she is in California and we are in New Jersey. I feel so sad my son will never have any grandparents in his life but I know there is nothing I can do.

Anyway, I have great fears of turning 33 this year and being the age my mom was when she passed. It's strange because back then 33 seemed so much older to me and now that I am almost there I realize how young it really is. I mean I am perfectly healthy now and because of both my parents passing from cancer it is part of the reason I practice a natural lifestyle. But I get so scared sometimes. I know even when I make it past 33 I will get scared as I approach the age my dad died at 46. I guess I feel like the odds are against me and I'm hoping I live much longer than they did (I do have a grandfather who is 85 and his mom lived to be 102!)

Has anyone ever dealt with these fears before?? And how have you coped with them? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Noelle

[lisamarie]

Noelle~

(((((((HUGS)))))))~I am so, so sorry for your losses. Please know that what you are feeling (about turning 33) is natural and normal. In the grief and loss group that I attend, we have talked about this and know that you are not alone.

Grief comes with so much emotion~anger, lonelieness and fear, are just some. When I become fearful, I really try to focus that it is just a fear, NOT reality. Talking w/someone~whether its here at the Mothering Community or my dh, helps me to come out of my fearfulness too.

I am adopted too and found my birthparents 10 years ago. My birthmom lives in DC (I'm in Washington State), so my ds doesn't get to visit w/her often. But, we have pictures and correspond via phone and mail.

Is there a neighbor, teacher or other relative that could participate in your child's life, like a grandparent? That might be an option.

I am thinking of you~

Lisa

[dj'smommy]

Thank you!

Thank you Lisa for your support and compassion. I don't struggle with this on a daily basis luckily...just from time to time. But more as I approach 33. I guess it's been hard since I've dealt with constant loss in my life...my mom, dad, 3 grandparents, a great-aunt, great-uncle, great-grandmother, an uncle).

Unfortunately I really only have my grandfather that I am close with (no neighbors, teachers. I have a few close friends that do know what I'm going through). But my grandfather is 85 and I don't see him too often. He has a girlfriend (my grandmother passed about 10 years ago) and he is with her and her family most of the time. I have aunts and uncles but unfortunately don't speak to them for various reasons. So it's only my husband and friends. And my husband and I aren't as close as we should be (that's another issue for which I did a post in Talk Amongst Ourselves). So I'd say it's really only my friends of which I have two close ones.

I know I'll make it through this...at one point my fear of dying got so strong that I had to go through some therapy but it's better now. I hope it will only get better as time goes on.

Thank you again...........Noelle

[Greaseball]

my fears

I'm sure I'll be afraid when my daughter turns 20, which was the age my brother died...also, now I'm afraid everyone I know is going to die. I'm always worrying about my husband and my daughter, and I'll probably be one of those annoying overprotective parents that never lets their kid ride in a car or anything like that.

[Happy Mom]

Hi dj'smommy!

I can relate. I was just 17 years old when my mother passed away from ovarian cancer. From the age 13 I learned how to take care of someone undergoing chemotherapy. (My parents were separated) Each year, I attend my yearly physical with so much weight on my shoulders. What if I have it? They have suggested genetic testing; however, it feels like opening Pandora's box. If it wasn't for my children, I think I'd scare myself out of going each year. Dealing with such an overwhelming load at such a young age, I now suffer from being over-paranoid when it comes to my children's health. The smallest cold seems to turn into a life/death situation. (Because I worry so much about it.) I suppose this is because I was always given bad news when faced with a doctor's diagnosis.

My father on the other hand is still alive in this earth although I question the length of that. A life attached to a prescription plan has his health spiraling downward. (This truly upsets me, as my mother did not have the chance, and he willingly hurts his body.)

My mother did not have the chance to meet my 3 beautiful children. But I know in my heart she is part of each one of them.

I am trying to let go of my fears. A habit not easy to let go of. When you are conditioned to worry, to not worry, makes me worry!????

Anyway, sorry for the book, I guess I had more on my mind than I thought!

[marymary]

Hello, I've lost both parents too, (carelessness!) When my father died recently I was so p****d off that my kids wouldn't have a grandfather, no older male influence to tell them the names of the trees and birds and do boy scout things, so I have to do it myself now! It really wasn't in my life plan! I even worried that they might become sissy's surrounded by women. A good friend who is a Reiki master sent me a book of 'discernments' between George Anderson and bereaved families and those on the other side. Whether you believe in this stuff or not it has some really powerful messages that you can hold onto in those moments when it's all too much. Such as, (excuse my corrupted pracey) people who have died violently telling their loved ones that their souls passed over in the instant before they died and that they felt no pain. That might be hard for you to believe but have a look at the book. G A is an american medium and I think the book is called Lessons from the Light, I gobbled it up and passed it to my stepmother. She booked us a session with a british medium for nextr month as our xmas presents, committed atheist sister and I that is, I can't wait, sister is understandably scathing, might be an epiphany moment or two in the offing. Might be mine! Dh is appalled that I can be so gullible/mentally deficient! - ha- each to their own, My love to all of you who are grieving at the moment, MMx

[lisamarie]

Marymary~

Good to hear from you. I have done alot of reading re: mediums, etc. It is interesting. I too, went to see a medium/spiritual healer, after my dh died. I NEEDED to know that he was o.k., that he wasn't hurting anymore and also, to relieve some of my guilt involved. The session helped me so much~I found peace. Doesn't mean that I still don't grieve~but I don't have the profound heaviness in my heart and chest anymore. Whether or not it was real or the person just told me what I wanted to hear~I don't care. The results I got from the session were healing. To me, that is what counts.

Hugs~

Lisa