need help with yelling/sermons

[bhawkins]

I am trying so hard to be a GD parent. I have read so much and I truly believe it is the only way that I want to parent. Problem is, I wasn't raised that way and didn't start learning about this until about 1-2 yrs ago.

I feel like I'm doing good with my 15 mth old. But I am struggling with my 10 yr old. He wasn't spanked much as a child and none at all after age 6 or so. But, yelling took the place of that and I just can't seem to get a handle on it. I tell myself I won't yell or give him some long sermon next time he does something wrong and sometimes I can refrain. But there are other times that I can't get a grip. For example, yesterday he wanted to go to the nearest town (30 min away) to trade in some playstation games. I didn't want to go anywhere (we had a busy weekend) but agreed and we went to get ready. When he couldn't find the shorts he had worn over the weekend, I told him I had just put them in the wash. He went crazy, saying "why didn't you ask me" and "I don't have any clothes to wear!" After many calm responses, he was still throwing clothes and just acting out in general. At this point, I started yelling because I felt like I had agreed to his wishes and he couldn't even get dressed in a civilzed manner. It's little stuff like this that always causes me to get worked up and give him a speech about respect, how to treat others, expectations of him, etc.

I know that this is not helping. What should I do instead? Just walk away? Help!

[bradleybirth2mom]

I would not tolerate talking back---you are the authority figure and you deserve respect. Just giving a speech about respect is not enough to curb the behavior, there needs to be a consequence in these cases, I think. I would warn him by saying that he can't go to trade in the games that day if he can't calm down, think and show you some respect. I think by enforcing things when you feel calm and not feeling that you are trying out a method but guiding him, you will both have an easier time together. Be sure that the praise he gets is more frequent than the correction, too, and it will probably strengthen your relationship.

Originally Posted by bhawkins

I am trying so hard to be a GD parent. I have read so much and I truly believe it is the only way that I want to parent. Problem is, I wasn't raised that way and didn't start learning about this until about 1-2 yrs ago.

I feel like I'm doing good with my 15 mth old. But I am struggling with my 10 yr old. He wasn't spanked much as a child and none at all after age 6 or so. But, yelling took the place of that and I just can't seem to get a handle on it. I tell myself I won't yell or give him some long sermon next time he does something wrong and sometimes I can refrain. But there are other times that I can't get a grip. For example, yesterday he wanted to go to the nearest town (30 min away) to trade in some playstation games. I didn't want to go anywhere (we had a busy weekend) but agreed and we went to get ready. When he couldn't find the shorts he had worn over the weekend, I told him I had just put them in the wash. He went crazy, saying "why didn't you ask me" and "I don't have any clothes to wear!" After many calm responses, he was still throwing clothes and just acting out in general. At this point, I started yelling because I felt like I had agreed to his wishes and he couldn't even get dressed in a civilzed manner. It's little stuff like this that always causes me to get worked up and give him a speech about respect, how to treat others, expectations of him, etc.

I know that this is not helping. What should I do instead? Just walk away? Help!

[nancy926]

I think that modeling respect for our kids will lead to respectful kids. I don't think that acting like the "authority figure" and trying to demand respect will get us very far.

In the scenario you gave, I would probably walk away and go do something I enjoyed (read a book, etc). My guess is that without an audience, he would calm down.

Then when he came looking for you to see when you'd be leaving, you could either explain that you had now decided not to go because you were going to do him a favor and all he did was yell at you, or you could decide to go anyway and maybe talk about the incident in the car.

Frankly, not going on the errand might provide more personal satisfaction (as in, ha, I showed him who's boss!), but I think going through with doing the favor might produce a more positive experience overall.

I think of it like this - if I were in his shoes, I would feel worse if you said that you now weren't going to take me to trade in games. I might feel like expressing my emotions will only get me into trouble (granted, his emotions in this case were extreme and out of proportion, but that happens to lots of adults too), so the next time I am angry or sad about something I'll just keep it to myself.

Maybe in the car, you could find out why exactly he was so mad about his shorts going into the wash.

I yell and sermonize too much too, and it does no good. I try to remember that when I am angry or crying, I don't listen to what others are saying to me - I hear it, but can't process it. I have to assume this holds true for my kids, too.

[faithnj]

Don't forget to teach him how you think he should handle feelings of disappointment. I mean, what's he going to do when one day a future girlfriend disappoints him? Or he's disappointed on the job? 10 is not too young to learn to sit down, feel the emotion, and then figure out what in heck you're going to do about your situation.

I always say kids have "parents" for a reason. Having someone who can teach you how to deal with difficult emotions is one of 'em.

Faith

[tiffani]

we talk a lot about respect in our house, in terms of mutual respect for each other, and for other people. I do say to my kids that when they aren't kind to me it makes me not want to help them out, but it would take a lot for me to actually NOT do an agreed on favor. I would still take him, and just mention that he hurt your feelings, and you'd appreciate it if he could try to be nicer to you next time. Then a hug

[sophmama]

I would definitely not go with the 'authority figure' route - I go more for influence than authority. For me I would probably focus on the, 'it's ok to be upset, but it's not ok to bully or harrass others when you feel upset.' I'd probably tell my child they had to calm down and change their response to an appropriate one before we could leave. To me, it is very important to not tolerate abuse even from kids. (Ok nursing little ones may abuse my boobs a little but that's different). It is one of my main goals to teach my dd how she can and cannot interact with others. I am her primary outlet for interaction at her age and for me I feel that I must draw the line with attacks. Verbal attacks and exaggerations are not ok. Expressing how upset you are is fine, but you can't take it out on a person. I am a mother, not a punching bag. Learning about other people's boundaries is a big deal to me. So, that would be my big emphasis.