sharing/coexisting with other people

[kerc]

I need some reading material on ways to handle encouraging my dd1 to share:
her toys
her space
me
public toys
public space

Share's not the perfect word because sometimes sharing isn't the issue -- sometimes she just wants stuff others have only because others have them.

For instance: baby playing with bead roller coaster, Erin snatches out of her hands.

At grandma's, playing with an old toy of dad's and refuses to let her little sis take part.

at our house: gathering of moms, dads and kids playing soccer and she gets the ball, scoops it up and takes it into the garage.

playdate yesterday: Erin's friend who is a little slow to warm up to places is trying to go up the rockwall on our swingset. Erin scampers over there, causing him to step back. Really she needed to wait her turn.

Can anyone point me either to threads or books or websites on how to handle this kind of thing? Phrases to use with her?


MIL suggested (on the toy issue) taking away toys of hers when she refuses to share a toy. That's the only suggestion I've gotten and I'm "out shopping" for ideas right now.

[siouxm]

I try to get dd to use empathy. Basically I say, "How would you feel if ______ happened to you?"

First I pull her out of the situation by asking her to step aside, and then I ask her how the other person might be feeling. If she doesn't seem to know then I ask her how she would feel in the same circumstance. After she tells me I ask her what she thinks would help both her and the other person(s) to feel better. Her favorite answer is "share" but she does have other ones from time to time. Then I kiss her and let her go about sharing or whatever her answer was.

It seems to work, although it does require a good amount of intervention and patience. I am patiently hoping that one day it will require much less intervention and she will be able to place herself in the other person's shoes all by herself.

[hubris]

My children are close in age to yours - Griff is 3.5 and Reese just turned 1. Sharing is HARD for kids to learn! I think everything you wrote about your DD is normal for her age.

I've noticed that with Griff, he's very interested in working with a toy to do just what he wants to do with it - build a train track a certain way, stack blocks to make a house, put together a puzzle - and when another child (especially his toddler brother) tries to play with it, it usually disrupts his play. That is pretty understandably frustrating. I don't think a child should be punished for wanting to play with their own toy, by themselves. But I also know that grabby-possessive thing kids can do - NOBODY is allowed to play with ANY of their toys. Not cool.

Some things that work here:

- suggest that the older child select toys for the younger child to play with

- ask the older child to choose how long she will play with a toy before giving the other child a turn (counting to 10, building the puzzle one time, something finite but understandable to a 3 y/o)

- suggest games/activities that can easily involve more than one child

- encourage solo play during times when the younger child isn't around (like naptime)

- play with the younger child in order to give the older child a little space to do her own thing

- encourage the older child to "show" the younger child how to play with a toy and cheer the younger child's efforts

- validate her feelings about wanting to have something to herself and sharing being hard

- give lots of unsolicited attention - random hugs and cuddles and playing JUST WITH HER - so that when you have a time when you need to give your undivided attention to your younger daughter, she isn't feeling quite as robbed of your attention

- regarding wanting something just because somebody else has it - I think this is just one that they have to outgrow. Some grownups even have trouble with it. As she gets older, she *will* have better verbal skills, patience, etc.

[siouxm]

One quick addition, anyone who figures out how to get your child to share *you* with anyone else, I would love to know that answer. Although I am highly flattered everytime she lets others know "MY mommy" at times it is exhausting.

[crb]

my dd is similar. how old is your daughter? This is very normal behavior. Before playdates, we put away "special belongings" that she can't bear to share. I read a suggestion to let kids have a turn as long as they want w/an item and then, when they are finished, let them give it to another kid (rather than rushing them w/"you can have the toy for 2 minutes) and it seems to help - once dd has had her fill of something, she is often more willing to share. I don't know what to say about grabbing toys - we don't really allow it w/older kids, but w/a baby - if the baby doesn't really care what they have, we sometimes "trade" objects. We just checked out some great books for kids on sharing/interacting written by Cheryl Meiner that talk about sharing, etc. It is hard! Good luck!

[kerc]

Originally Posted by siouxm

One quick addition, anyone who figures out how to get your child to share *you* with anyone else, I would love to know that answer. Although I am highly flattered everytime she lets others know "MY mommy" at times it is exhausting.

:

Thanks for the suggestions, keep them coming.

What ideas do ya'll have when I try to "suggest that the older child select toys for the younger child to play with" and she says, "no, all mine!"

[kerc]

Originally Posted by crb

I don't know what to say about grabbing toys - we don't really allow it w/older kids, but w/a baby - if the baby doesn't really care what they have, we sometimes "trade" objects.

See this is the part that's tricky. When baby was truly itty, then she didn't *know* older one was switching. Now older thinks it is still ok, but it makes baby upset. Which has led to me saying something on more than one occasion. I'm still working this all out in my brain, I feel like I need a plan of action.