What to do when your toddler hits you

[MommyDearest]

My daughter will be 2 on august 6th. Everyone has told me that she is going through her terrible twos already but does part of being 2 include anything about abusing the parent. She gets mad at me if I don't let her have what she wants or do whatever she wants and she hits me. Now i have popped her hand before but I don't believe in certain physical punishments to children. It is very embarassing to be out in public and to have your child smack you in the face in front of a crowd of people. I especially feel that i can't discipline her in front of others for fear of what people will think of me. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!!

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by MommyDearest

I especially feel that i can't discipline her in front of others for fear of what people will think of me. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!!

The 'dreaded' what will they think of me problem!

I do the same thing at home that I do out. I don't care what other parents think. Either they haven't had a 2 year old, they've forgotten what a 2 year old is like, or they will understand! For HER benefit, you need to do out what you would do at home as well. Kids are really smart. It takes them about 30 seconds to realize "hey mom isn't doing anything - let's see what else I can test here?" They're not being manipulative, but they do like to know where they're at.

And personally, I try to parent at home as if I am in public -- it keeps some of my baser instincts at bay!

Here's what I do for hitting. First, I take the offending hand and say "gentle" and demonstrate "gentle" with her. 8 times out of 10, that's all I need to do. If she hits again, I'm usually ready for it, and I grab her hand before she makes contact and repeat "gentle" and demonstrate, and try then to distract her with something else. If she makes contact again, I will say "No, gentle. I play with kids who are gentle" and back off and remove my attention for a bit. The natural consequence of hurting someone is that they don't want to be with you.

I'll admit, it's harder to do this when you're out, but you can simply step away and sit down (while keeping an eye her) while at the park, or back up out of range and turn your attention to shopping if you're doing that.

[CTMOMOF2]

I'm also in need of this same advice.. and although the "gentle" thing sounds great on paper... it is not realistic when 2 year old says "i want a pop" and mom says "no, its almost time for dinner" 2 year old says "waaaa, i want pop" and wacks you one (or two).

What i've been doing, not that it always works, but sometimes does is.... I act completely shocked on my face and say, "Ouch! That hurts! Don't hurt me!!" Sometimes she'll wack me again, other times she'll hug me...

[jencha]

Time Outs really work well with Heaven!! If she hits I tell her no and carry her to her time out corner with no other words. If she kicks on the way I will tell her "no kicking". I put her on time out for two minutes since she is two years old, and when she comes out she MUST say sorry to whoever she hit. I do this in public as well.

I guess every child is different though... I'm a big fan of gentle parenting...

[peaceful_mama]

The only thing that seems to work with my son is for me to gently move his hands down to his sides. I tell him "Hands down, we don't hit, hitting hurts."

For us, hitting really *started* when I acted out of my own upbringing and 'popped' his hand for something. showed me, didn't he? I stopped, because really, what am I telling him by doing that for something he did and then a minute later I'm telling him we don't hit? I know better, I just had a frustrated mom moment.
that and being around another more aggressive child.

we talk about 'gentle' at other times, like petting animals, etc. but I think I need to give him more experience with it. It doesn't work at the time he's hitting though, the only way he seems to understand to stop is if I physically help him do it.
So far he only hits me and bites (really more 'nips') me. Well, he's done it to his dad too and grandma, but not other kids.

if someone could tell me what to do about this biting for teething/attention thing....

[AugustineM]

My DS kicks more than he hits. When he does it, I use a firm voice, look serious, and say, "No kicking mommy -- it hurts me." If he does it again (and he usually does) I say, "Thor, if you kick me again you're going to get down." (We're usually on the couch when this happens.) And if he kicks again I set him down and go do something else. This really seems to be working. He very much dislikes it when I leave, or avert my attention from him.

I agree with iemile -- hitting the child to teach them not to hit doesn't make sense.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by CTMOMOF2

I'm also in need of this same advice.. and although the "gentle" thing sounds great on paper... it is not realistic when 2 year old says "i want a pop" and mom says "no, its almost time for dinner" 2 year old says "waaaa, i want pop" and wacks you one (or two). .

Well, if that's a consistent pattern, then when you say "it's almost time for dinner" position yourself so you can grab her hand (or the leg) or get out of range.

If it's a random event, or you just aren't fast enough to prevent it (does happen), say "ouch, that hurts. Be gentle" and WALK AWAY and don't give it any more attention. The removing attention is key.

If that doesn't work for you, then I have plopped my kids in their room for a couple of minutes while I cool off -- again the separation is what's key. A 2 year old isn't old enough to learn from time out.

This isn't an instant cure. It takes time and endless repetition. And quick hands to prevent hitting. But it DOES work.

[L&IsMama]

Originally Posted by jencha

Time Outs really work well with Heaven!! If she hits I tell her no and carry her to her time out corner with no other words. If she kicks on the way I will tell her "no kicking". I put her on time out for two minutes since she is two years old, and when she comes out she MUST say sorry to whoever she hit. I do this in public as well.

: Oh my....

[frenchie]

Right around 2 my son started to hit me when he got mad at me for saying "no" to him. I almost always firmly grabbed his hand before he could make contact, and firmly said "Hitting is unacceptable behavior and is very unkind" or "You are not allowed to hit mommy or anybody else, it hurts" or something else along those lines. The "gentle" approach didn't work, as he already knew what "gentle" meant....I started with that. He was well aware of what hitting would result in from the standpoint if the person being hit...which was always me or my DH. It was a very short phase, like most other behavoirs with my son. We were very consistent with our reaction, and made him well aware of how much we disapproved of it. One day he appologized (after hiting me), unprovoked, and never did it again.

[DevaMajka]

I tell my ds that "I don't like to be hit." The I *redirect in a way that honors the impulse* IE if he hits because he's frustrated, I tell him other ways to express his frustration. My ds likes to make a "mad face" but you could also try jumping, clapping hands, making a sign, roar like a lion, etc. If ds hits me because he's overexcited, I find other fun exciting ways for us to interact. I'll say "I don't like to be hit. If you want to play together, we can play pat-a-cake" (or whatever physical activity seems to fit at the moment)
If he wants me to read to him, sometimes he'll put the book right up in my face, and sometimes hits me with it. For that, I tell him "If you want me to read to you, you can put the book in my hand, and ask me to read it."

The *impulse* is legitimate. He's angry, he's frustrated, he wants something, etc. It's just the way its expressed that is unacceptable. So, it makes the most sense to teach acceptable ways to express those impulses. The impulse won't go away just because you say "don't hit" kwim?
And redirecting in a way that honors the impulse makes it easier for ds to stop hitting. It *helps* him to do the right (or socially acceptable) thing, and in the end that's what good discipline is.

Ita that hitting to teach a child to not hit makes less than no sense. And that time-outs don't teach a kid anything that you are wanting to teach.

If you want more specific answers, you could visit the Gentle Discipline forum

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by L&IsMama

Are you serious? You do know where you are right? :

Heh, I was going to say the same thing in response to the same two posts. I had to check to make sure I was at MDC and not Babycenter.

Anyhow, ds2 hits, unlike ds1, so this is new to me. I pretty much just grab his hand to stop the hit while saying "No hitting/please don't hit me/that hurts me," or pick him and say something along the lines of "I know you're angry/upset/frustrated, but you may not hit me. Do you want to [insert distraction here]." It's rare that he really goes all out after this, but if he does I gently set him down so he doesn't hurt himself and stand close by while he flings about.

I've actually never understood traditional discipline with a 2yo. Maybe mine are just more immature than other 2yos, but they are still babies, and would no sooner understand a "time out" now than when they were 1yo.

[Tinas3muskateers]

I try to be GD but when my 2 year old is ripping my eyes out by scratching me, while his teeth are sunk into my shoulder its hard not to say "no scratching" and put him in time out. So for those who do not use time outs what do you reccomend. They "no hitting please" stuff doesnt work here so you can skip right over that idea.

[Tinas3muskateers]

Also many of you are using a lot of words "Please no hitting, that hurts and is not ok, I know you are frustrated" wow thats a mouthful for a 2 year old dont ya think? Mine would have smacked me 4 more times in that sentence. We use small phases like "Hitting is not ok" "No hitting" "No bitting" instead of a long drawn out conversation.

[Susuhound]

I keep it simple.i say *stop* and hold the offending hands down. As she gets more verbal I can explain more 'before' we get to that stage. IME there is usually a point at which I can see what is coming and I try my best to defuse it there. I think hitting 'gentle smacking' or whatever you call it teaches only that you may hit someone if they are smaller/more defenceless than yourself and I find that a dangerous lesson for a child (or anyone).
These days things are not so emotional around here - Sophie went through a 'time' around 18-22 months that was like this. I really dislike the term 'terrible twos' i don't see what it is meant to accomplish. 2 years old is such an exciting/wonderful/emotional/topsyturvy time for a child and her parents it seems a shame to reduce it to that. When I step back and think about what has happened with my day usually if things have turned out like this I can see how she was 'set up' and I try my best to see it from her point of view.
Also food for thought, a wise woman has told me 'happy is not the only acceptable emotion'. Our children should be allowed to display the whole range of emotions, and it is our job to allow them space for this. Of course we guide them to acceptable ways of expressing those emotions if they are being physically aggressive but if we accept from the beginning that angry does not equal naughty I think our responses change and we can find ways to direct instead of punish or discipline.

[Monkeyfeet]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

Heh, I was going to say the same thing in response to the same two posts. I had to check to make sure I was at MDC and not Babycenter.

Uh yeah, I totally thought that I was on the wrong board.

[Lazyhead]

Originally Posted by Tinas3muskateers

Also many of you are using a lot of words "Please no hitting, that hurts and is not ok, I know you are frustrated" wow thats a mouthful for a 2 year old dont ya think? Mine would have smacked me 4 more times in that sentence. We use small phases like "Hitting is not ok" "No hitting" "No bitting" instead of a long drawn out conversation.

I think it's helpful to provide a little backstory. "No hitting" is a command. Why shouldn't he hit you? I think that it's helpful to say "Don't hit me. I don't like to be hit. It hurts." If it continues you can move on to "If you are frustrated we can jump around or hit pillows or go outside and run and around and scream..."

I believe that GD is a long-term investment. It's working co-operatively and creatively with your child to resolve things and not just getting them to do (or not do) what you want them to do "beacause you said so".

[lovemyfamily]

Originally Posted by jencha

Time Outs really work well with Heaven!! If she hits I tell her no and carry her to her time out corner with no other words. If she kicks on the way I will tell her "no kicking". I put her on time out for two minutes since she is two years old, and when she comes out she MUST say sorry to whoever she hit. I do this in public as well.

I guess every child is different though... I'm a big fan of gentle parenting...

I have found this works for us too. THe other day we were at walmart and she was in the cart and he was walking, I turn my head to look at something and all of the sudden she is crying, he had bit her on her little finger (out!!) we were ready to check out by then and he normaly helps with puting the stuff on the checkout counter, but this time I told him that boys who bite so not get to do especial big boy stuff and I sat him down right there at the end of the register in "time out" he sat there quitely until we were ready to leave and he was much better after that. I think it is important to do what you would do at home becasue if you don't those two year old will walk all over you in public!!

[Lazyhead]

Originally Posted by Tinas3muskateers

I try to be GD but when my 2 year old is ripping my eyes out by scratching me, while his teeth are sunk into my shoulder its hard not to say "no scratching" and put him in time out. So for those who do not use time outs what do you reccomend. They "no hitting please" stuff doesnt work here so you can skip right over that idea.

Maybe you should look at what is happening BEFORE this behavior starts. Is it transitioning from play to mealtime? Being told he cannot do something? Perhaps there are things you could do to try to avoid these outbursts?

I am pretty new to GD philosophy and haven't had any major outbursts or tantrums or anything like that from my 2.5 yo so maybe you ought to check out the Gentle Discipline forum. Some very wise women there.

good luck mama!

[lovemyfamily]

oh, I jus read the rest of the posts, wouln't have posted if I knew, sorry!!

[Ellien C]

best advice I ever got was.....













Duck!






I think the best thing you can do is not make an issue of it. Do what you need to do to protect yourself or anyone else when the hitting starts. Obviously you want to try to stop it before it gets to that point, but if you could that all the time or if it was easy, you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

My approach is to say - I don't like to be hit. It scares me. I'm afraid you will do it harder or that you might really hurt me. And then offer alternatives, depending on the situation. Do you feel like hitting? Are you very angry now? Here is what you can hit. Here is what you can do to express your anger and frustration.

Sometimes it's more of a game and then I might institute some kind of pattycake - high five - hand slapping game where you really get a good noise going.

We don't use timeouts, but I will restrain her arms or hands gently to protect myself and I will remove her if she is hitting someone else. I try to use gentle words like - I won't let you hurt __ name or I won't let you hurt me or I will help you to stop.

I don't force apologies, but my experience is that once a child has calmed down they are really searching for something to do to make amends. (I'm dealing with a very verbal 3.5 yo now - so....). I will go to my child privately and say something like - that was really scary and I know you didn't mean to hurt name___. When you're ready you could go over to her and give her a hug and say you are sorry.

Sometimes she protests how it wasn't her fault and sometimes she does say sorry. It's important to me that I not make her feel worse than she already does. She knows (by now) that it's not good to be out of control, but she can't always be in control (me either!). So I want her to feel safe with me when she's regained control not further shamed. My daughter has already internalized the shame, she doesn't need me to make her feel worse.

When she protests or won't say sorry I think it's usually because she feels blamed. So we try to talk about what's going on. And this is where the long term investment comes in. I drop the issue of sorry at this point. But I think it's setting us up for real apologies in the future.

And as a word of warning for everyone reading this - our "threes" are way worse than our "twos" ever were. It's a very difficult time for me right now with a LOT of emotional drama.