Alright, I've been a believer in Gentle Discipline from the day I discovered it.
Okay, so dd was born, things went well... no yelling, not a whole lot of stress. 18 months went by, more stress, a little impatience...occasional yelling when what she was doing was dangerous or distructive...
Then ds was born (dd was almost 27 mo. old). And all hell broke loose!!! It started small, but by now (ds is 15 mo. old and little monster) I'm a chronic yeller, stresser, no fun parent who reads tons of lovely "democratic" "gentle" "positive" "unconditional" parenting books... but just can't get the hang of it in the moment. Like when I walk in the kitchen and dd (now 3.5) has the milk jug on it's side on the counter with a very full cup underneath while milk is running everywhere (probably thinking it was like the water container with an on/off spout, but knowing it wasn't).... OR dd and ds have gotten apricots out of the bowl and are "eating" them, then for me to return to the room 2 min. later to find them smearing them all over the floor and everywhere else.
Wow...I really lose it (okay, so I guess I don't beat them, but compared to GD, I'd say I lost it, lol). Yelling, jerkily picking her up, telling her over and over again that she knows better and is teaching ds these things, and that's not okay. For example, ds has recently started hitting in exactly the same fashion as dd hits/pushes him when he's too near what she is playing with. hmm...
Alright, the venting is out! Anyone have suggestions for applying these lovely principles FOR REAL??? I've tried time out (out of desperation), now it's just a threat (as I know it doesn't work, so I never really do it..lol), I've tried spanking a few times when she nearly killed ds (poor kid ends up with welts sometimes, and it's not from me!!!!!!), and that just makes her scared of me when she does something naughty and I'm angry. Which of course makes me feel bad and like a bad mommy.
NOT GOOD. I have not ended up the momma I pictured in my head.
In fact, I sound and act just like my mom (sounds familiar, eh??).
I've tried sitting and "talking it through" with dd and it rarely works... threats seem to typically work like a charm (although backfire in the end, of course).
Any help??? THANKS!!!
Sarah
Desparate momma who's parenting style has just "become whatever", which can be likened to splattered paint on a wall....
Okay, so dd was born, things went well... no yelling, not a whole lot of stress. 18 months went by, more stress, a little impatience...occasional yelling when what she was doing was dangerous or distructive...
Then ds was born (dd was almost 27 mo. old). And all hell broke loose!!! It started small, but by now (ds is 15 mo. old and little monster) I'm a chronic yeller, stresser, no fun parent who reads tons of lovely "democratic" "gentle" "positive" "unconditional" parenting books... but just can't get the hang of it in the moment. Like when I walk in the kitchen and dd (now 3.5) has the milk jug on it's side on the counter with a very full cup underneath while milk is running everywhere (probably thinking it was like the water container with an on/off spout, but knowing it wasn't).... OR dd and ds have gotten apricots out of the bowl and are "eating" them, then for me to return to the room 2 min. later to find them smearing them all over the floor and everywhere else.
Wow...I really lose it (okay, so I guess I don't beat them, but compared to GD, I'd say I lost it, lol). Yelling, jerkily picking her up, telling her over and over again that she knows better and is teaching ds these things, and that's not okay. For example, ds has recently started hitting in exactly the same fashion as dd hits/pushes him when he's too near what she is playing with. hmm...
Alright, the venting is out! Anyone have suggestions for applying these lovely principles FOR REAL??? I've tried time out (out of desperation), now it's just a threat (as I know it doesn't work, so I never really do it..lol), I've tried spanking a few times when she nearly killed ds (poor kid ends up with welts sometimes, and it's not from me!!!!!!), and that just makes her scared of me when she does something naughty and I'm angry. Which of course makes me feel bad and like a bad mommy.
NOT GOOD. I have not ended up the momma I pictured in my head.
In fact, I sound and act just like my mom (sounds familiar, eh??).
I've tried sitting and "talking it through" with dd and it rarely works... threats seem to typically work like a charm (although backfire in the end, of course).
Any help??? THANKS!!!
Sarah
Desparate momma who's parenting style has just "become whatever", which can be likened to splattered paint on a wall....
I tell myself that ALL the time!
: lol. Not meant to be that way. I'm really a nice person that doesn't really get angry typically. 
: 
...but I think if you are going to "pick a battle" so to speak, I would focus more on being gentle with eachother and your daughter being more gentle with your son rather than spilt milk and such. It will probably make it easier on you.
And like you said, REALLY apply it in all situations from the little stuff (annoying messes just at the wrong time 
: ) to the big stuff (hitting, bitting, etc. 
I guess I can give this much of an example: This (all I wrote) is how I grew from thinking, for example, that I had to stop tantrums and could stop tantrums to knowing and accepting that tantrums happen sometimes regardless of how good a parent I am. This is how I grew into understanding that a tantrum is not "bad behavior" but simply emotional expression-the only one my young child is capable of in that moment. This is how I grew into knowing that I wanted to stop the tantrums so badly because of my own discomfort with them, not because tantrums are inherently bad. This is how I grew into knowing and trusting that my child would eventually learn, with my calm help, to express herself in other ways. This is how I grew into understanding that empathy is needed but not as a strategy for stopping a tantrum. This is how I learned to just be there during tantrums, rather than trying to stop them. This is how I learned that I can often prevent tantrums by respecting my children and working with them, considering their needs and preferences-for example, by planning errands for when the kids are not likely to be tired/hungry or by seeing their need to learn what happens when we pour out water and redirecting them to an appropriate place to do so rather than just saying "no pouring". For me, really getting GD means changing how I think and becoming more aware, instead of just changing how I outwardly respond (instead of just adding more tools to my box). And it is a constant process. Which reminds me of what I was taught long ago about children's art projects as I was learning about early childhood education: it's the process, not the product. All the learning while kids do art happens during the process of being creative and messy, what it looks like in the end isn't the point. Kids learn so much more by just experimenting with the materials and colors without being restricted as to what the end-product will look like than they do by assembling an end-product decided upon by the teacher. So it is with parenting, I think. When I focus on one particular outcome (a particular action by a particular person), when that one particular outcome is my goal, none of us learns as much (and we tend to become frustrated). When I focus on who I would like my children to be, I miss who they are. When I can focus instead on the process of communication and connection and awareness and meeting of needs, the possiblities open up and we learn so much more-all of us, me and my kids.
