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Sex Before Marraige... Mamabug told me to repost here.... - Page 2

post #21 of 158
I'm going to encourage my children to wait until marriage before they have sex; I believe it's the best way. We are Christians the Bible teaches us that fornication is wrong, and that is part of our belief system. However, if despite what I teach them they decide to have sex anyway, I will be open and honest with them and non-judgmental. I will provide them will full sex-education, including condoms, birth control, ext. I DO NOT support abstinence only education. If my girls want birth control, that's fine too. I want them to understand why I believe that I do, and that I would like them to believe that too, but I don't believe in making that choice for them. In the end, it's their body, not mine. Although I may not agree with their choice to have sex before marriage, I am still their mother and will always "have their back" so to say. I want them to know that they can always come to me with questions about sex and I will answer them openly and honestly, and accuratly.
post #22 of 158
would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex?

I would encourage my children to wait until they felt it was absolutely the right moment for them.


Would you try to 'help' them make that decision?

If I was asked by my child for advice absolutely! I on the other hand would not push my beliefs or thoughts onto my child (pushing my child away in reality).


Tell them about how vaulable that gift is to their future mate, even if their future mate is not a virgin.

I am not certain that I want my children to have only one sexual partner in their life, nor will I pressure that upon them.


How they are valuable in themselves and not to devalue themselves by giving it to 'whoever comes by'.

Absolutely! But in my eyes, this does not mean only one person for their entire life.


would you allow your child to grow and experiament when that nature because natural to him?

huh?


Would you allow him/her the freedom to make his own choice, albeit you educate him/her to the dangers and how to protect themselves.
How 'no means no' and all that education bit.


Absolutely again!


About condoms and birth control methods, natural or chemical.
Of course!.. I will even speak to my children about masterbation and the importance of using that as a method to the arising (no pun intended) situations.

What would you do when your child starts to show interest in the opposite/same sex? And more importantly WHY WHY WHY?

Definantly hope and pray that until that point I have gained enough trust with my children that they can come to me and speak FREELY about such said topics.
post #23 of 158
Chip and I got married after I got pregnant. I think I would teach my daughter (if I ever have one) to respect her body and soul, and about contraception, rathwer than tel her she sould wait untill shes married. I feel that what matters is self-respect and happiness more that being married.
post #24 of 158
For my part, I just want it to be her decision. I don't want her to do it because everybody else her age at school do it. If now they're doing it at eleven from an article I read...in 10 years when will they start doing it??? The problem is I know I won't always be there for my child. When she will be at school I won't be there to tell her if she's doing the right thing or not. I can educate her and make her develop a strong character but then she'll only do what she wants...but at least she'll do what she wants and not what someone else wants her to do...if she wants to have sex, she can but if someone tries to convince her to do it, she'll be able to decide if she wants or not...I don't know if you get what I mean...you can raise your child well but still everybody knows how much our society is more and more affected by trends and that the "know who you are and be yourself" is slowly giving way to "be like the popular ones and do like them" and peer pressure at school is my worse enemy right now cause I don't know what they'll do to my daughter...just hope she doesn't catch a disease or get pregnant...she's only 2 1/2 years and I'm already worried sick about that...I must be crazy!
post #25 of 158
Quote:
Originally Posted by angelpie545
I'm going to encourage my children to wait until marriage before they have sex; I believe it's the best way. We are Christians the Bible teaches us that fornication is wrong, and that is part of our belief system. However, if despite what I teach them they decide to have sex anyway, I will be open and honest with them and non-judgmental. I will provide them will full sex-education, including condoms, birth control, ext. I DO NOT support abstinence only education. If my girls want birth control, that's fine too. I want them to understand why I believe that I do, and that I would like them to believe that too, but I don't believe in making that choice for them. In the end, it's their body, not mine. Although I may not agree with their choice to have sex before marriage, I am still their mother and will always "have their back" so to say. I want them to know that they can always come to me with questions about sex and I will answer them openly and honestly, and accuratly.
Everything that she said. I know my oldest (16) has made out with her bf, but I'm also pretty sure that they haven't had sex even though they have been going out for over a year. Right now her world revolves around him WAY too much. Eventually, they will break up and she will be totally devestated. How much worse would that be if they were having sex? So part of not having sex is waiting until the emotional side effects are not as damaging. I think that having a few relationships that aren't based on sex before you throw it into the mix is much healthier and helps a person determine what their emotional bounderies are. That said, I have also talked to dd about the fact that birth control or other help she might need is available.
I do hope my kids (of both genders) wait. I am however much more concerned that they not get involved in any sexual relationship where they are feeling abused or disrespected. Two people that have never had sex with any others are much more likely to simply enjoy eachother and not "miss" what they used to get somewhere else. There was a study once that actually showed that women who had only one sexual partner were on average more satisfied sexually than women who had multiple partners and were now married. That is another factor. When my kids have sex, I want it to be great sex for them. A commited partner is much more likely to be sensitive and grow with their partner as a sexual being. I also think God knows all about what happens to us physically and emotionally when we have sex outside marriage and wants us all to be having great sex. Thus the "rule." It's more of a "don't touch the hot stove" rule unless your going around hurting others. At least that's how I have presented it to my kids. There is good sex, bad sex, great sex and very best sex. You get to pick and here is how I think you end up with each one. But as a parent I also reserve the right to create an evironment where I think the best is most likely to happen.
post #26 of 158
I have no issues with sex before marriage. I'm not married, and don't plan on marrying dp, though we are momogamous and committed for the longterm.

I will encourage ds (and any future dc's) to wait to have sex with someone he cares about. A loving, committed relationship. Not necessarily THE person, just someone who is important to him at the time. But I on't insist on it.
post #27 of 158
I was a virgin on my wedding day. It was drilled into me from the time that I was very young that sex before marriage was taboo. I have no regrets. That said, I do not believe waiting until marriage to have sex for the first time is a wise thing to do and I have not communicated such an expectation to my now-19 yo and I will not to my younger children.

Sex is an integral part of a committed relationship between adult partners and therefore, it is critical that two people know, really know, that they are compatible sexually before they make what should be a lifelong commitment.

My now 19 yo dd approached me at 15 yo and asked for birth control. I explained to her my view that sex is a serious matter and should only be a part of a relationship where she feels confident she is loved and cared for and is with a trusted partner. She assured me that was the case. I provided birth control for her. She is now 19 and is no longer in that relationship, but it went on monogamously (as best I can tell) for 3.5 years. I feel comfortable with how I handled it.

With my currently 3 yo dd and 20 mo dd, I intend to allow them to determine when they are ready for that step. I absolutely will not tell them to wait until marriage to have sex for the first time. However, if they choose it, I will be proud and supportive. If they don't, and have sex before marriage, I will be proud and supportive.
post #28 of 158
I find myself agreeing (as usual) 1000 % with unschoolnma! In our household we most certainly do not encourage or condone waiting until marriage for sex. First of all, we don't feel that it is at all realistic. Second, we also don't feel that it is proper to do. We do encourage personal choice, knowledge of how to protect yourself, and how to say "no" if and when you want to say "no." But we strongly reject and frown on the notion of waiting until marriage. Obviously, we want it to be our kids' choice on what to do, as we would never force our opinion on them. But we do certainly hope they choose to have sex before marriage, and not to wait until after.
post #29 of 158
Seems like you've got a lot of more liberal answers.

I will definitley encourage both my boys and my girls to wait until marriage. I think that sex is biological, emotional, and spiritual. They will have to make their own decisions but for their biological, emotional, and spiritual health, I will guide them towards what I think is optimal. I do not think that promiscuity (no matter how "safe") is smart and I don't wish that on my children or on anyone else's.
post #30 of 158
Dh and I were both virgins on our wedding night and we try to follow Jesus message of love in the bible. We will raise our dd and any others with the belief that sex is for marriage. However, if (God forbid) she chose otherwise, I would not pressure her to be married or treat her with any less love. We will be very open about sex because I don't want her learning about it from others. Um... what other questions were there? Birth control - I would not provide her with that. It's ez enough to get condoms and I don't believe chemical bc is healthy at all.

To the other mom who believes sex is for marriage as well, just my humble opinion, but if you let your dd know that you will have her back in premarital sex I think she will think you are not really all that much for waiting. As you and I know it's not ez at all to wait and it's wonderful to have support.
post #31 of 158
Well, I'm pregnant with my first, but I'm already thinking about the teenage years, lol!

I'm definitely planning on being open with my daughter and letting her make her own decisions. I plan on being supportive and helpful. My mother merely paid lip service to "you can talk to me about anything". She said it, but I could tell from her actions that it was not true. She was very rarely supportive of my goals, or the goals of my siblings. She was definitely the type of parent that made you want to rebel, not only to assert your independence, but to prove her wrong. (She's the type who has a hard time admitting she's wrong, and this was a huge factor in some of the decisions I made very early on.) I was the type of child so many parents fear. I was deceptive. I hid my problems very well. I had so much going on inside that I never truly felt I could share with my parents, because, whether they wanted to be or not, they were very judgemental. I ended up getting into an abusive relationship at only 12 years of age, with someone I barely knew. The scars from that relationship carried on throughout my teenage years. If I would have had real support, none of it ever would have happened. It sounds terrible, but I still sort of blame my parents. I don't want my children to carry any of the baggage I carry. I know terrible things will happen in their lifetime, but I want to be the one they go to to help them heal. Now that I'm getting an outside look at things (my younger sister is 15, and still living with my mom.) I can definitely see where the damage was done. My mother now talks to me as an adult, but to my sister as a child. Every decision she makes is limited, even tiny things like the number of glasses of milk she can have in a day, or the style of shoes she wears. My "healing" was sex, my brother's was attention (for doing things that could get him hurt), my sister's is food. She is not all that heavy now, because my mom is often around to monitor everything she eats, but I know once she is on her own, she'll have a hard time controlling it.

Sorry to get so off topic, I'm just giving a story of someone whose parents were not supportive. No matter what you decide you want for your children, make sure you not only tell them you're there for them, but show them every day, and remember that actions speak louder than words. It really can make all the difference!
post #32 of 158
Quote:
Originally Posted by nonconformnmom
Sex is an integral part of a committed relationship between adult partners and therefore, it is critical that two people know, really know, that they are compatible sexually before they make what should be a lifelong commitment.
Exactly.

And, we should remember some of our children are gay. I think it is appropriate to use gender neutral pronouns in discussions with kids.

Some kids who hear about no sex before marraige get involved in a "anything but" game where oral sex or anal sex are considered alternatives which may or may not be enough to prevent whatever problems parents are concerned about.

To me telling your child do this or do that is really missing what needs to be a more complex conversation. It isn't the parent's choice what the kid does and it makes more sense to me to instead discuss the implications of a variety of choices and help the teen figure out what is right for them. If you take a firm stance "no sex until the wedding" you may well find you are cut off from further conversations when the kid really needs you because they will have already broken your rule.
post #33 of 158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar
To me telling your child do this or do that is really missing what needs to be a more complex conversation. It isn't the parent's choice what the kid does and it makes more sense to me to instead discuss the implications of a variety of choices and help the teen figure out what is right for them. If you take a firm stance "no sex until the wedding" you may well find you are cut off from further conversations when the kid really needs you because they will have already broken your rule.

I am encouraging my children to wait until they are married. This is a part of our belief system. I am also teaching them about the implications of the various choices they may/may not make. I am not naive enough to think that by telling my child anything they will automatically comply. I do want to make sure they understand why it is so important to wait until marriage, but I will support them if they choose a different path.

I think it is entirely possible to be informative and arm your children with the knowledge they need to know about sex as well as encourage them to wait until marriage.
post #34 of 158
I'm not married yet, and have two kids. I've had a variety of sexual partners (of both sexes) since 15, and am technically nonmonogamous now.
I obviously don't believe in waiting until marriage (in fact, I think to do so would be a mistake) and don't regret my sexual history at all. I'll teach my children how to prevent sti's and pregnancy (use a condom during all types of sex, and get tested regularly), the importance of consent, and to be respectful of theirs and others' bodies.
When they start showing signs of budding sexuality, I'll have a little giggle and a cry that my babies are growing up.
post #35 of 158
What a great topic. As the stepmom of a 14yo, mother of a 13yo, 10yo, and so on, this subject comes up often.

When I was young, my mother told me NOTHING. Not about sex, or boys, or kissing, or even my cycles. I was scared to death when I began my period at age 10.

I don't believe sex is an unnatural desire...remember, Romeo and Juliet were young teens. Once those hormones kick in, you need to be prepared.

As a side note, we do talk a great deal about bc/pregnancy/vd. The Pill will not protect your daughters from venereal warts or syphilis or even herpes.

Condoms break. IUDs cause breakthrough bleeding and/or uturine rupture.

The "shot" is related to heavy weight gain and massive breakthrough bleeding.

I'm not anti-birthcontrol...I just want to make sure the facts are out there.

My 13yo dd says she's never having babies (or sex) because of her large family. We'll see. We'll see. At least if she DOES decide to have female/male intercourse, she'll know all her options, including abortion.

love, penelope
post #36 of 158
"...sex is NOT ok... intercourse/anal/oral... none is OK... there are so many other things to focus on during the teen years.. why add to the drama?"

Wow.

The teen years are ALL about drama. Did you remain a virgin until your marriage? Did you never "neck" under the bleachers? Are you seriously saying that sex is unnatural???

Sex is how we got here. We live longer now, and that makes it more complicated for parents who are looking at their kids completing BASIC school at 18. Used to be that by 14 they'd be betrothed or married.

SEx is a natural part of life, and if you believe in God, then you must believe that those hormones start rushing at that age for a reason.

love, penelope
post #37 of 158
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1growingsprout
sex is NOT ok... intercourse/anal/oral... none is OK... there are so many other things to focus on during the teen years.. why add to the drama?
Quote:
Originally Posted by spruce
The teen years are ALL about drama. Did you remain a virgin until your marriage? Did you never "neck" under the bleachers? Are you seriously saying that sex is unnatural???
I am not the person who posted the first quote obviously, but I thought I would jump in on this one.

My own personal opinion is the teen years are all about drama as you said, but I do believe that it is much better for kids to wait until marriage. That for us goes back to belief system in our family though.

The questions above......unfortunately I didn't wait for marriage. I have only been with my husband though. I have never had any other parents for any of the above sexual acts except my spouse. I kicked myself for not waiting as it was something I truly wanted to do. My parents had no opinion either way as to waiting or not. The question about necking under the bleachers....not really sure what is being asked, but I never made out with anyone on school grounds. I had one other serious boyfriend and we did "make out" on occasion, but I never really had any interest in sex with him. I don't believe 1growingsprout was implying sex is unnatural. It seems they have very clear views on what they feel is appropriate and not appropriate. I think sex is completely natural and I also believe you can control your sexual urges. I think that a lot of times sex occurs because kids put themselves in the position to allow it to happen. By keeping yourself separated from the opportunity the odds of sex occuring go down dramatically.


Quote:
Originally Posted by spruce
Sex is how we got here. We live longer now, and that makes it more complicated for parents who are looking at their kids completing BASIC school at 18. Used to be that by 14 they'd be betrothed or married.
Yes, sex is how we got here. Yes, we live longer nowadays though I am not sure what the completion of any type of schooling has to do with the decision to maintain your virginity until marriage. As far as past history betrothing/marrying their 14 year olds....well there are lots of things we did in the past that weren't exactly the best idea.

Quote:
Originally Posted by spruce
SEx is a natural part of life, and if you believe in God, then you must believe that those hormones start rushing at that age for a reason.
I do believe in God and I do agree sex is natural part of life. I think that just because I get the urge to do something doesn't make it a good idea to follow through with the urge. My belief in God and what the bible says is why I will encourage my children to follow His word.
post #38 of 158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Houdini
I am encouraging my children to wait until they are married. This is a part of our belief system. I am also teaching them about the implications of the various choices they may/may not make. I am not naive enough to think that by telling my child anything they will automatically comply. I do want to make sure they understand why it is so important to wait until marriage, but I will support them if they choose a different path.

I think it is entirely possible to be informative and arm your children with the knowledge they need to know about sex as well as encourage them to wait until marriage.
I think we are talking about two different things. To me it sounds like you are saying you don't just say "no sex before the wedding" but instead no sex and here's lots of reasons why it may ruin your life if you do.

What I'm saying is that hopefully sex feels good and sex is fun. If you tell your kids plenty of reasons why it is bad so they better not do it until they are married, you've right there stopped the conversation. When they figure out it is fun, where is your credibility at that point? When they've had sex and they realize that maybe it isn't what they want for the next ten years where is your credibility? When they are thinking about having sex but aren't sure how to do it safely - how are you there to help when you've already told them not to do it?
post #39 of 158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Houdini

I do believe in God and I do agree sex is natural part of life. I think that just because I get the urge to do something doesn't make it a good idea to follow through with the urge. My belief in God and what the bible says is why I will encourage my children to follow His word.
Is it your understanding that in biblical times people were officially or legally married before they had sex? That they waited to have sex until they were in their 20s or 30s? I'd love to see those passages.
post #40 of 158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar
I think we are talking about two different things. To me it sounds like you are saying you don't just say "no sex before the wedding" but instead no sex and here's lots of reasons why it may ruin your life if you do.

What I'm saying is that hopefully sex feels good and sex is fun. If you tell your kids plenty of reasons why it is bad so they better not do it until they are married, you've right there stopped the conversation. When they figure out it is fun, where is your credibility at that point? When they've had sex and they realize that maybe it isn't what they want for the next ten years where is your credibility?

I do not plan on telling my kids sex isn't good or fun. I will encourage them to wait for marriage because there really isn't any good reason I can see not to wait (coupled with our belief system). I also don't plan on telling them all the reasons it may "ruin" their life if they do engage in pre-marital sex. I will inform it does add more drama (for lack of a better word). I wasn't really going for the crediblity award in my choice. My kids will choose their own path and I will support them in whatever that decision is, but I will also encourage them to follow the principles of the bible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar
When they are thinking about having sex but aren't sure how to do it safely - how are you there to help when you've already told them not to do it?
I plan on teaching them about STD's and protection. They will learn how to protect themselves.

I am trying to figure out why it isn't possible to encourage them to wait for marriage and also teaching them about protection and STD's. Do you really believe it has to be one or the other?
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