I vowed to never hit

[kaje62]

My dad was pretty abusive to all of us 5 kids. He whipped us with the belt at least twice a week and he would use the buckle when he was real mad. He would kick us or pull our hair when the belt was not handy. He would call us names. I was called spoiled rotten snot, brat, fat, etc...even bitch once. My earliest memory of dad whippin me was when I was 5. But I know it was much before that. My brother and I were fighting and my mom sent us to bed and said wait till dad gets home. We shared a room and waited for like 3 hours for him to get home from the restaurant that he ran. All of a sudden, I said, "Frank let's put on more pajamas and underwear so it won't hurt as much." So we put on a bunch of underwear and pajamas and when he came home he could see our fat butts and told us too pull down our pants which he made us do until we were 18 years old. He would say, "BEAR YOUR ASS!"I also remember when I was 4 and Frank was 3 he cried when he got a spanking and I remember dad saying he was faking it so he gave it to him harder and said I will give you something to cry about. I remember a babysitter asking me once if I was afraid of him and I said no cuz I was afraid what would happen if he knew I was afraid. I was petrified of him.

My biggest pain was that my mom was not there for us. She did not protect us, I have no memories of her holding me, brushing my hair, telling me I am good, pretty, loved etc. I have done my share of healing through therapy etc...and have forgiven my dad. He was even more abused by his mother and even though he was horrible to us at times, he still told me he loved me and I felt loved by him. And he had a beautiful conversion before he died. He sobbed and sobbed and asked for my forgiveness and told me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and how wonderful I was.

I still have a lot of anger towards my mom, as she is still emotionally unavailable for me and is rejecting of me as a woman. That is my biggest hurt from childhood, not feeling loved by her.

Anyway I have this beautiful, perfect precious two year old that I was never gonna hit etc...and I have. I have slapped his hand about four times, slapped his thigh once, slapped him on the cheek once and squeezed his cheeks once. I feel bad about all of this. I have talked to friends. I don't know want to do this. But I have slipped into it. I thought about using a fake user name cuz I am afraid of being misunderstood but I decided that I would rather get help with this than have people like me.

He is two and he has tantrums and he hits me at least 40 times a day. He is wonderful and sweet too. I have never really hurt him of course but I have read all the SEARS stuff etc...that says it can only grow. So like what will I do when he is five?

This is the bottom line.

I do not want to hit Charlie or our new baby on the way and no matter what they will grow up knowing they are loved by their mommy and daddy.

[Jish]

Kathy, my heart goes out to you. We have all had our less than perfect moments. I don't strike my children, but due to the shear volume in my house, I often find myself yelling to get their attention. It's not working and I need to find a new way. I commend you for posting and asking for help.

This may sound silly, but it works for me. I used to teach preschool, and I often watch my friends children. What I found is that I am much more patient and respectful when other people's children misbehave under my care. I get down on their level and talk to them rationally. I am empathetic, loving, respectful. We brainstorm solutions together and work things out. Then one day as I was calmly disciplining my friends son, I realized that it was working so much better with him than my own children. The I realized how much different my approach was with him than with my own children.

Now, when I feel like I am about to lose my cool, I take a few seconds to calm down, then I pretend that my son isn't my son. I know it sounds silly, but if I pretend that he is someone else's child I am able to get into that focus and deal with him/them much more effectively.

I wish you the best of luck in your parenting journey, and the next time you feel that urge to slap, imagine what you would do if this was someone else's child rather than your own, and notice how different your reaction will be.

[kaje62]

I cried for like a half n hour and still am after I posted. Thank you for your warmth and I do like your idea.

[gurumama]

When I'm about to go over the edge--grab an arm too hard, yell, scream, whatever--about 75% of the time I think, "What will Ben say about me as a mother when he's a grown man? What will his memories of this be?"

That stops me cold most of the time.

And when I DO lose my cool, I always apologize now.

[spryte]

kaje62- Hugs. You should be so proud of yourself for asking for help and being brave enough to make a change.

I agree with jbcjmom- I too find that sometimes if I take a moment to pretend that I am in public or that my child is someone else's, my voice is quieter, and even sometimes firmer, kind of matter of fact. When I don't give myself those few seconds I find my volume is higher and my tone is annoyed. My dd does not react well when I speak to her in that fashion.

I have occasionally yelled at my dh or dd. When I do- if I give myself a time- out, it has really helped me re-inforce my calmer approach.

[mamarsupial]

i second spryte's statement that this took tremendous courage. asking for help is not an easy thing, and by doing so you are showing how much you love your child.

i have also have felt myself losing my cool. i call them 'plate smashing days' since i feel the urge to get out our dinner ware and chuck it at trees in our backyard. while i have never felt an urge to hit, and have never literally smashed plates, i have certainly felt like screaming out of shear frustration and exhaustion. when i get to that point, i put dd in a safe place (our bed, her crib, her high chair) and sit on the stairs, take deep breaths, sometimes i cry...until the frustration wanes. i can go back to her with calm in my heart.

thank you for being so brave and vulnerable. no one said being a mama would be easy, and surely it is not. you need to grieve over what has happened, but in talking about it here and with friends, hopefully you will get passed this.

[Graceoc]

I have been exactly where you are and have done the same things you have and have been so ashamed inside.......I am constantly working on it.

I do find that pretending that they are other peoples kids 'in that moment' does help. In fact, as I am coming back into my religion, I printed out a full sheet sign that reads "They are God's Children' and put it on my fridge to reminde me to treat them as such, espically on 'those days' It does help.

Please know that you are not alone, I too have cryed and hated myself over what I have done - but I must move on and be a better mother and I know I am well on my way. Let's just be here for each other!

[mamaduck]

I have been where you are too, and amazingly, it was during my 2nd pregnancy that I found myself changing. You at least KNOW how you want to be! Even my goals were so elusive at that point. But my 2nd pregnancy really made me want to pin things down in terms of discipline.

Basically 2 things helped me.
- The first was making a comittment to my son in words he could understand that there would be no more hitting. I tried to take it as seriously as my wedding vows.
- The second was exhausting every resource to find better discipline tools. Books especially, but I found one friend who uses GD and it was helpful for me to watch and learn from her. It so much easier NOT to hit when you have other strategies at your finger-tips to try instead. And then, eventually, they become 2nd nature and the urge to hit pretty much goes away, or at least -- it mostly did for me.

I'm glad you posted, and I'm glad you used your reg. username. You should not feel at all ashamed to talk to us about this. This is why we are here.

[kaje62]

I have to thank all of you and to you local mamas who know me for your love, friendship, support and understanding. This is very hard for me to open up about all of this. At first I felt really good and then I think I feel a little shame or something tonite. I am sure it will pass. Sometimes I feel yucky just sharing what childhood was like. Anyway you are all wonderful. Thank you.

[LoveBeads]

You are a very brave woman and I felt incredibly sad reading about your treatment as a youngster. I cannot imagine how humiliating and terrifying your childhood was. Living a life of fear everyday is something that I cannot even fathom.

None of us are perfect. All of us lose our cool. Your children will forgive your imperfections.

I have never hit my child but I sure have had wanted to on occasion. It hurts to admit that but it is definitely true. On the times when I have been really tempted, I have left the room and put myself in a time out by locking myself in the bathroom.

It's very, very important to try and get adequate sleep. My patience level when I am well-rested is much greater than when I am sleep-deprived. Make it a priority to get as much rest as possible. That really is my best advice!

Good luck to you.

[JessicaS]

Kaje62, I experienced things very similar to you except it was my mother who was in charge of discipline in our house.

I think the important thing is to make a conscience effort to avoid repeating the pattern. Each time one spanks makes it that much easier the next time. Many abusive situations are about anger and losing control.

I would try and not blame your mother. Your father was obviously a very controlling person and she may not have been able to stand up to him.

Forgiveness is a big part of growing up, you must let go of your anger..I know it is easier said than done but it won't do you any good to hold onto those feelings you will feel much better for it.

I learned many years ago to get over what happened, I know some of it had to do with medical problems going on at the time and I know how hard she had it herself growing up.

It is very painful to face what led them down the path to abusing their own children, and it really takes a lot to let go of it all and begin to take control of the patterns that such abuse causes.

I am working with teaching my own child that hitting hurts and mustn't be done but if I did hit her it would only teach her that it is ok and it would all start all over again.

[kaje62]

In my heart of hearts I believe my mother was mistreated but I have such a hard timing finding compassion for her but I will work on it.

[homebirthing]

Kathy-jo,

It is very hard to be a good parent. It takes willpower and strength. There are days that are worse then others. When we got pregnant, no-one told us about the terrible two's, when even GD doesn't work on some of our kids. The fact that you know every time you have hit or sqeezed your child tells me something. If it didn't matter to you, you wouldn't know it all by heart. You are not your father. You are not your mother. You are a wonderful mother who loves her son. It is hard work to be a good mother.

When H was about 14 months old, she wouldn't stop crying and I had heard over and over again that you should throw water in their face, so I was washing the dishes and she was standing in the kitchen screaming at me and I took the sponge that I was washing the dishes with and sqeezed it all over her. She was sopping wet. It did no good and it was very abusinve behavior. I swore never again would I do that. When K was born, H hit her in the face and I hit H's hand hard. It left a mark. And I have spanked her once on the butt. After each time, I have swore never to do it again, and right now I can say that I never would do it again. But I am not raging or angry. All I can do is try new things (like whispering to her, instead of screaming). You have to take it one day at a time and know that you are doing the best that you can do. And you need to be able to forgive yourself for past mistakes and trust that they won't happen again.

[Devi]

Sorry KJ

KJ, I had two lengthy replies that got lost???

I'll drop an email. So sorry for what has happened. You did the right thing by reaching out.

[zombiemommie]

I will come back later, I read your post yesterday and couldn't respond and i cannot lengthily right now but I did want to send you hugs and tell you that I am where you are right now myself, I just had dd #2, ds is 2 1/2 and I have lost it several times recently and hit him, slapping him once on the cheek in particular that made me want to vomit, and I have grabbed cheeks more times then I want to remember similar to what you describe, and I hate myself for it. Pregnancy was SOOO hard on me. It was almost biochemical like a change pushing me away from him when he needed me most. It hurts me to think how he must feel when I do this to him. I recently ordered from Amazon several books on positive discipline to help me. He is so sweet and gentle and sensitive and I love him with all my heart and I don't want to be this way. He is quite "spirited" and sometimes gets the better of me and my patience, but I have never hit him until this baby arrived. I also read your other post about the holding to sleep and I did thta with him when he was younger and I too questioned where to draw the line on that one. Which is another reason I wanted to post. Anyway I was raised in an extremely dysfunctional household. Maybe we can work on this together, or at least keep in touch by email or something if we are having a particularly terrible day. Don't be ashamed, this is a wonderful board. If I don't get back please email me [e-mail] - my dd is almost 6 wks old, nrursing alot and both are sick ds with ear infection and dd with cold so I may not be back for awhile.

(((Hugs))) to you

[smeta]

Hugs to you KJ. Please don't feel ashamed. You are so strong for reaching out to all of us for help!

I was also spanked as a child, but I would not consider it anything like what you went through. Anyway, it still made spanking almost instinctive, since that's how I was disciplined. I remember spanking kids I babysat for as a teenager, but I have only playfully spanked Cora once and I do not want to do it again. When I get frustrated I feel like I want to bite her little cheeks off! Sometimes I nibble at her in a playful way that makes her laugh and relives some of my frustration. I don't know if that's bad or not, but surely there are better ways of dealing with it.

It sounds like you are really frustrated with Charlie hitting you and maybe that makes you want to hit him. I would continually tell him that it is not nice to hit and it hurts you and hurts your feelings and ask him to use words instead of his body. I know he probaby cannot communicate fully w/ words, but maybe just reinforcing that will help overtime.

[oatmeal]

Hi KJ64

I had a childhood about on par if not worse than the abuse you describe. As a result I have been watching myself with my now 14 month DD and waiting for me to turn into the monsters my parents both were to us. It hasn't happened, but I am waiitng for it to pop out of me just like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I keep wondering when that day will come and I am afraid of it, almost like the abuse I went through has to come out in me out of sheer genetics.

It helps to read up here in GD. I apologize if someone has already discussed ths but I would like to see your list of GD books. I have never spanked or slapped DD and want to never do that ever - no matter how badly she may push my buttons. When I say No to her forcefully I wonder if I am abusing her.

Anyway thanks for this thread. I definitely believe we should never hit or throw water on our kids or humiliate them in any way. I would lieketo do whatever necessary to make sure I never snap and do the nasty things my parents did.

[mischievium]

some thoughts

.

[kaje62]

Thanks Jessica and all once again.

I have done a lot of therapy and did Adult Children of Dysfunctional Familys for 8 years. I worked on loving and reparenting my inner child.

I learned slogans
Hurt People Hurt People
We are all Victims of Victims
As children we are victims, as adults we are volunteers

I have worked a lot on my own hurt
so that I don't hurt

And that is why I choose to come out of the closet and share more of my hurt and struggle
so I can come clean

But today a hard day. I don't mean like I wanted to hit him. I just felt really down and not like a good mom.
He was so cute yesterday the sun was shining etc.
Today was cloudy with war in the air.
We went to a local coffee shop to celebrate with 6 other mama's
at a kid friendly coffee shop and a huge play area.
He had a horrible temper tantrum over a monster MM cookie. It lasted 35 minutes.
The owner asked us all to leave. He said it was distracting other people in the place.
He said, "I know it is hard to be a stay at home mom but this is not the place to come when your child is acting out.
Anyway it was horrible.
I sobbed came home and tried to get a grip.
I just felt like I am so unloveable. Don't know why I felt that way.

We had a fun night.
We went to a Japenese steak house and it was so great. Charlie got lots of attention from the people we sat with. He loved watching the chef cook in front of us. They gave me a huge fried ice cream sundae and they took a polaroid that turned out great!! And then he konked out on the way home so he is sleeping and I can relax a bit. But DH has the war on, so depressing it started today!!! But we had fun tonite and I am going to bed happy. And he is my sunshine!!

[indiegirl]

Originally posted by kaje62
He said, "I know it is hard to be a stay at home mom but this is not the place to come when your child is acting out.
Anyway it was horrible.
I sobbed came home and tried to get a grip.
I just felt like I am so unloveable. Don't know why I felt that way.

Um. Maybe you felt that way because this guy was really rude. I would have cried, too! Doesn't sound too kid-friendly to me.

Anyway, I think you have a ton of courage to come out of the closet, so to speak. I have hit V on the leg about five times out of frustration. The last time she looked at me so surprised and said in the most sad voice, "Owie?"

We just found out she has a hearing loss and her temper tantrums are directly related to her inability to communicate (she also has a speech delay because of the hearing loss).
Can you say BAD MAMA??? It is good to know that her hearing loss has caused the speech delay, and I feel validated that our frustrations are justified--and I feel terrible for all of the times I have said, "you need to LISTEN to mama!"

My point is that we do the best we can and it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. When I get to the point I want to lash out, I have to remember that it NEVER makes the situation better. That I need a time-out from her. I have also relied on mantras:

She is only two.
My love is stronger than my anger or fear.
What will she remember about me?

And sometimes it means she goes in her room with the door closed and I have a time-out.

I see that you have a new one on the way. I don't want to scare you but I need to be honest with you: the frustration you feel now might be doubled or tripled when the new baby comes. I can only speak from my experience, but I have had a very very hard time dealing with my own impatience and exhaustion and that compounds my frustration levels with my dd. If you can do work now to help you cope with that, please do.

Jesse