Need advice and support.

[Niamh]

DH and I just moved to a very rural area. This means that we also moved from living a few minutes from a hospital in an area swarming with midwives and CNMs under doctors to living 30 minutes away from a hospital with only one midwife and no midwives under doctors.

Which means that I either go under a doctor or under the one midwife. There are no doctors in our small area who are in the least bit 'natural'. The one that came the most highly recommended referred to pregnancy as a "medical problem" when we visited with him a few days ago.

The one local midwife will not take patients unless you're A) Christian and B) have the full support of your husband. Since our first birth was with a midwife under a doctor and DH knew that I wanted a homebirth, I convinced her that me not being Christian wasn't going to be a problem.

Then my DH springs it on me. He doesn't want a homebirth. He's not comfortable with it. He wants "one safe hospital birth" before a homebirth.

AND OUR BABY'S DUE IN 6 WEEKS!

I am so, so angry. I don't even know how to be around him right now. He would rather have me give birth in this podunk little hospital (trust me-I LOVE rural life, but this is a podunk little hospital) under a doctor who refers to everything but a healthy mom/baby as 'fluff' than to have the experience of birth that I want and that I feel will be the best for me and the baby.

I mean, my sister has had four of her five babies under this doctor and she has absolutely no confidence in her own body to deliver. He induced every one of them, episiotomied her every time, and was threatening a c/s on two of them if they didn't 'hurry up'. And he's the best in the valley.

There are no doulas that I can find in this area and I can't imagine they'd be real welcome at the hospital anyway. I can't see me giving birth under this doctor and NOT getting an episiotomy. My midwife for my first birth took things slow and kept things really oiled up. Not this guy. G-d, I'm so angry!

So what do I do? The midwife won't take me now because I don't have the full support of my husband. I can't even deal with my husband right now because he's willing to put me through that kind of birth so that HE can feel safe. I'm near tears every time I think of my labor and my child's birth.

I'm scared of UC, but I am really, really tempted to do all of my labor at home and just accidentally wait too long and "oops!", here's the baby! I'm heading over to read the UC boards right now.

What do I do, ladies? I'm really not wanting to feel this anger and depression at the end of my pregnancy.

[elmh23]

I talked dh into a free standing birth center by telling him all my fears and how while I love him, his fears don't really impact my birth, while mine do. I had a LONG labor with dd and I think it was mostly do to not being allowed to eat and not being allowed off the stupid monitors. We talked about it a lot and I eventually got him to agree. The only thing is if he's not comfortable with this birth, then the next baby will be born at the hospital "family birthing center" (which is what they call L&D.)

[WinterBaby]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this so close to your birth! The hospital safety thing just spins me - if it's really a rural podunk hospital then I'm guessing they don't have a 24hr in house anethesiologist, or level III nicu that MIGHT have you argue for a hospital in an time critical emergency. Without it, you're doing as well or better to stay home. I'd try posting in few different places to see if there isn't another underground midwife who would be willing to travel out to you. The most hurtful part must be to feel your dh has backed out on you in the final weeks! I can't imagine the level of anger and frustration. It's got to make it hard to even try to communicate. I don't know if a lot of long frank talks can get you both back on the same page, but I guess you have to try something, so setting aside some anger to hear each other can't hurt. Otherwise, is there anyone where you moved from that you can go stay with for a few weeks with your dc to deliver in the care you previously had? I might do that UC thing, but I don't think I'd want things to blow up with my dh right in the middle of labor. Here's hoping you can find some peace and calm before your birth.

[Niamh]

Winterbaby, thank you so much for your support and advice.

elmh, I'm thinking from your reply that I maybe wasn't clear enough. There are NO other options here. Podunk hospital, one Christian midwife, or UC. That's it.

I kind of like the idea that winterbaby had of staying with a friend for a few weeks near the due date. It's only 2 hours away. Surely labor won't be THAT fast and my husband can get there in time.

[WinterBaby]

2 hours away doesn't seem too bad. Depending on the length of your first labor, traveling 2 hours yourself at the onset of labor may yet be entirely reasonable. And certainly if you can find someplace to stay (even a weekly rental!) it seems likely dh could join you during labor. Hoping you find the solution that's right for your family )

[elmh23]

Oh no, I got your point about there being absolutly no other choices, but I was just telling you my tactics so maybe you could use them to talk your dh into a homebirth. That sucks that it's only the one VERY Christian midwife. Do you know why she will only deal with Christians? I'm not Christian but dh is Catholic and I think we'd both be very put off by a midwife who only delt with Christians, lol.

I like the idea of going to stay with a friend! I only know one woman whos labor was 2 hours nad her son was born into her dh's arms because the midwife didn't get there and also there was no way she would have gotten to the hospital in that time frame anyways (she has an older son who she would have needed to take to grandmas or wait for grandma)

[grumpyshoegirl]

Oh man, I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to

Can you attempt to reason with your husband? It's great that he wants "one safe hospital birth" but when it comes down to it it's your body-- you're the mother, you're the one who gives birth to this baby. Ask him why he feels the hospital is safer. Does he know their rates for infections and things like that?

Otherwise I support your idea to labor at home as long as possible and oops! Here's the baby. Although that's not an ideal situation, not medically (because obviously it is possible to have a safe HB or UC) but emotionally-- you want you and dh to be a team on this.

You know, I'm a Christian myself, but a huge red flag went up when I read about the MW not accepting non-Christian patients-- that sounds really illegal. If she's got any kind of license then it probably is. I realize it's not an issue in your situation, and if you live in a rural, predominantly Christian area, it might not even come up, but she could be in for some real trouble if a non-Christian expectant mom ever took action.

Good luck mamma! I'll be sending warm thoughts your way.

[MamaTaraX]

What a funky situation!! s to you!!
I think you need to sit down and really talk to your DH. Perhaps write him a letter explaining your concerns, rationally. Read it to him or put it where he has to read it. Maybe mention that you feel trapped and like you have no option beyond UCing. Personally, I don't think I'd be hanging out with that Christian-only midwife if I wasn't Christian, even if it were my only option. I'm sur eyour DH would rather you had the midwife than UC. Maybe explain to him how bad a podunk rural hospital is probably going to be. Maybe he doesn't know. I like the idea of you going to stay with a friend too, but what about your DH? You're going to have to talk t him about this some time and running off to stay with a friend may not be the best idea overall. Two hours away doesn't sound awful (though with my most recent birth being right at two hours, I wouldn't personally do that). Perhaps you could tell your DH about that? This sounds really stressful for you! I hope you can come to peace and find resolution quickly. NOw is the time for you to begin making peace and preparation for your birth, not time for panic and stress. Muhc love to you as your story unfolds.

Namaste, Tara