Help telling IL's?!?!?!

[LydiaJW]

We found out we are pregnant unexpectedly with baby #3. We weren't really trying, weren't really preventing, so obviously we are fine with it. We are currently on vacation with my in laws, and my husband has made it clear that he does not want them told any time soon. Basically my in laws do not share our views on family size, etc, and pretty much think we shouldn't have any more until my dh is through school or has a better job, etc. In my eyes, it really is a fine time since he is interviewing for a few new jobs and we are moving into a new house. He is still a few years away from his degree, but things are going well for us. They are slightly more...materialistic than we are and really can't wrap their minds around us all surviving (comfortably) on his salary.

I guess what I am asking is how to deal with this? When should we tell them? I hate to feel like I am sneaking around with some huge secret, but I honestly just don't want to hear the comments or, worse, the silence. We are still pretty young (I am 22, he is 25) and they seem to think that because of that, we are irresponsible (we aren't.). I guess I am just not feeling up to justifying my pregnancy to my close minded in laws. Any ideas would be great.

[kerikadi]

We have the same issue with my ILs but we aren't on vacation with them - that would NEVER happen!

The day that DD#2 was born DH called his parents moments after the birth and his Father's first words were "You need to make an appointment to get that taken care of so it never happens again"
Poor DH busted out in tears as soon as he left our bedroom and my MW and best friend were comforting him . There was no joy, no congratulations He had the balls to call DH at work 6 weeks later to find out if he had schedule his vas yet

This pregnancy was very planned and our third child together. The ILs believe I tricked him into getting pregnant with DD#2, she was a surprise to both of us, and I am sure they will assume the same this time.:

We will not see them until Christmas and DH said maybe they will have to wait that long to find out. He realized the other day that that is a long time away and he can't keep it secret that long but we have no intentions telling them until the second trimester. It would be horrible if we told them and something happened They would say the most insensitive, mean things, we are sure of it

So, we are waiting until I am at least 12 weeks, possibly longer.

Good luck, I hope they surprise you and will be happy with the pregnancy!

Keri

[MrsTC]

Try and think ahead to a year from now, five years from now, and what you think you would feel comfortable with in retrospect. Does that make sense?

It's all so new and exciting right now (this coming from someone who poas this very morning at 3am, I might be biased, lol) and some perspective might help.

I agree with your dh that if you don't want to hear it from the il's then don't tell them, especially while you're around them on vacation. They may get their feathers ruffled later when they find out, but they'll get over it.

[lotusdebi]

Well, certainly wait until you can't wait any longer (which will mostly depend on how often you see them, I think.) And then have your kids tell them the news. Your DS could tell them he's going to have another brother or sister. Or you could get a cute Big Sister t-shirt for your DD and send them a photo of her wearing it. Or make a video with your kids holding up a sign that says they're looking forward to meeting the new baby.

My mother will be upset to find out I'm expecting again, and I totally plan on letting my son tell her.

[Wild Flowers]

My daughter did tell my mom. I wasn't sure how she would feel about it. We WERE only going to have two childern, but we changed our minds. And my mother is a little selfish, she gets upset that she doesn't see the kids that often, we are military. Of course she is always welcome to come visit, we don't have the money to visit them, 4 tickets for us, 2 for them. But sometimes she makes it sound like we only had kids to make her suffer that she can't see them. So yeah, my 4 yr old, told her on the phone, Mamas pregnant. And went rambling on. To be honest if I hadn't asked her if she heard Natalie, she never would have actually believed it. So hae your kids tell them, don't confirm unless they ask, and then when you start showing, and they ask, say, but dc told you months ago, we were wondering why you never said anything about it. Okay, a little unhonest, but still I wouldn't tell them until you HAVE to. It is very nice to have support, but its even nicer not to have bad support.

[veggiemama4]

Almost all of my pregnancies I have felt the same way. We have never been "old enough", "sane enough". "wealthy enough" or in a "good situation to have another kid." Everyone talks about me I'm sure and I remember even feeling embarassed to go to the midwife because I thought they would be like, "damn she's having another one" The thing is my husband is just as bad as everyone else. Only one of our children was officially "planned" and he seems to be my husbands favorite, I don't know if it is coincidence or what. Right now I am just feeling so emotionally drained so forgive me if this post is over the top.

After I had my last daughter my FIL told me (and my husband) over and over "no more! this is it, you aren't having any more it's too expensive" This was geared to me I think as if it really was all my fault. And now I am sure that when they find out they will have more crap to say about me and how awful I am for what?? Loving my kids and conceiving another? The worst part is that my DH (or should I call him just H) agrees with them and is absolutely pissed at me. I just wish I could move to the middle of nowhere and live on a farm like Ina May and have babies and deliver babies and just be happy.
Why does everyone else care anyway? They won't be pregnant, nursing it, changing it, taking care of it or supporting it.. I could see if we were mamas that were always in need of something but I have taken care of my kids since I was 17 and with a rare exception of borrowing a few bucks here and there ; we have done it on our own.
So in conclusion I guess we should just tell people that if they aren't going to treat us nice about our pregnancy then don't come back in nine months and try to say how cute our kids are, or how much they love them. If they can't accept the kid now inside of us, then they don't deserve to be part of it's life.

[kerikadi]

veggiemama - If your DH is so against having more children why doesn't he do something to prevent conception? That seems really odd to me.

Keri

[veggiemama4]

I guess that he was raised thinking that it is the woman's responsibility.. this may seem wrong to me and you but their is nothing that I can do about it now except tell him to get a vasectomy or never have sex with me again (which is what I told him.) His whole thing is that he was preventing it by (excuse my bluntness) pulling-out before he ejaculated. I guess he doesn't belive that some sperm could sneak through.

[MamaCAS]

Originally Posted by veggiemama4

After I had my last daughter my FIL told me (and my husband) over and over "no more! this is it, you aren't having any more it's too expensive"

I am just floored. What kind of freakin' nerve does a person have to have to say that to another person.

[elle7715]

I'm 19, DH is 20, and we have a 19 month old daughter. I'm 8 weeks pregnant with our second and only my mom, my best friend, and my online buddies know. We weren't trying, but not preventing. We figured it it happened, it happened, and it did. My ILs will give us hell, so we aren't telling them until I start to show and we know we'll be seeing them. It's ridiculous because we're doing it all on our own, DH works and I'm a full time student. We don't even leave DD with them (and never will) and they barely see us so it doesn't affect them in the slightest bit. I told DH I don't want to tell anyone who won't be happy for us, because I don't need the backlash. I'm already getting enough 'advice' about weaning and potty training DD so I'm certainly not going to give them any ammunition. I'm going to try to hold out until our birthdays in September, I'll be about 15 weeks then. I didn't show until 22 weeks with our first but they say your second always shows sooner.