Why is it so important?

[EllasMummy]

I am currently dealing with a lot of sadness and regret about the birth and immediate post partum period of my DS. He is nearly 7 months old.

I don't want to go into details, it would take too long but I am finding it hard to move past this place of sadness.

I was talking to DH last night about it. He really doesnt understand why it still upsets me. He says I shouldnt be sad b/c it was just one day/a few days and we have a beautiful DS. I was trying to explain why the birth experience/babymoon is so important for the mother but I couldnt put it into words.

The other problem is that I blame DH for quite a lot of what happened. During labour he was very supportive but the situations we found ourselves in I blame him for. He should have been more prepared, understanding of my pp needs and protected me. I havent talked to him about this but I havent felt quite the same about our relationship since.

Help me to explain to DH why it was so important. Help me to explain why if I could I would put DS back in and do it again but very differently.

[orangefoot]

Did your dh know what you expected of him at the time? If he didn't then he probably doesn't feel that he did anything 'wrong' or let you down.

Could you talk to him about it from that perspective? What did he expect and waht did you expect and how did it all turn out. Maybe he didn't like some things too but doesn't think they really affected anything much.

My dh was so excited about dd's birth that even though the birth hadn't been what we expected and we were very tired he wanted to share her with so many people in the days after she was born that I felt I hadn't held my own child unless I was feeding her. Within a week or so he realised that this had been too much and that having so many visitors had really messed us up. This time he is even considering not telling anyone when the baby arrives and hiding out for a while. This could be difficult with 4 children though!

Sometimes its difficult to see what went wrong or how it could have been different and we are often seeing things form different places. I hope you can come to some understanding and begin to move your relationship to a new place.

[AllisonR]

EllasMommy,
I also had an extremely traumatic birth, where I felt DH completely neglected me. The anger and rage I felt for at least a year, and it impacted our marriage on many levels. I also had anger at myself, the midwives, the nurses.... well, you get the idea. Today, almost 2 years later, things are still not great, but they are better than they were.

At first I tried to verbally explain to him, and I didn't get anywhere. In fact, it just got worse, with us argueing over details, because his view of the whole birth and postpartum was so vastly different than mine. Talking about it made it even worse. His comments made me feel he was in denial about what happened and so completely unsupportive.

In the end I wrote a bitter, angry letter - but it was how I truely felt. It was an honest letter. Sharing it with him helped to get a bit off my chest, and for him to see what I felt, even if he did not see it the same way. We also went to therapy several times, which helped some as well.

To be honest, things are still not great. I think the main issue is that I lost all trust in him to stick up for me, and that trust takes such a long time to renew, if it ever will. Plus, I also have to be realistic about my expectations for him. He is a warm, gentle, but passive man. He is a fabulous, super-attentive father. But he is incapable of standing up for me and fighting for me when I need it, ie in the middle of contractions. So this time around, I have asked a girlfriend to be at this birth, because she can do this for me. And my husband, in his own way, has bent over backwards to listen to what I am going to do this time. He is trying the best he can to be supportive of me. I have clearly written down all he is responsible for, and things I don't think he can handle I have given to someone else.

Think about all this, if this is where you are at. Are you more clear verbally or written? Make an outline of the things you want to discuss, and then talk to him, or write him a letter if that will work better. Explain to him that it is extremely important that the two of you do discuss it, maybe multiple times to cover everything. If you just shovel it under the snow, you will continue to hold resentment and anger, and you do not want your marriage to deteriorate. What you think IS important, even if he doesn't get it. Think about counceling, it can really help. Or if you have a 3rd, neutral party, who truely understands both positions, who can help guide the two of you to neutral ground. He may have different opinions or views of the birth, that you need to understand as well.

I hope you can overcome this. Do not shove it aside, it will only come back to bite you if you do.

Allison

[gentlebirthmothr]

Becky,

, sorry on your birth experience and I'm glad you are doing research on it to prevent from happening again with your future pregancy/ies. I recommed these sites for further research.

Sarah J Buckley, MD (GP/Family Physican) and Joyous Birth