What do you suggest?

[Illyana]

I will be getting married to a man who has a 5 year old son in the next couple of months. He has contact with his son but the BM has made it clear that she doesn't like me. I have tried several times to build a relationship with her prior to being around the child but she keeps telling me to leave her alone. I have been VERY nice to her in every way.

Will it be possible for me to have a friendship with the child if his BM constantly speaks negatively about me in his presence?

[mammastar2]

It can still be possible. If she's very negative about you, just try to keep your comments about her to the child in the range of neutral to positive, so that he doesn't feel as torn. If he brings up stuff she says directly to you, you can respond with a "Really? I'm sorry to hear your mom feels that way. Hopefully sometime she'll get a chance to know me better."

If she's totally not into your friendly gestures right now, I'd just give that a rest, at least for now. It's too bad, because it would be great if you both got along, but it takes two.

[Illyana]

Regardless of her feelings for me, I have no negative feelings toward her. Being a step child myself and having been through divorce myself I understand the feelings and thoughts that go through the hearts and minds of those involved. I wish there was some way to make her see that I only have the child's best interest at heart and that includes building and nurturing his relationship with both of his biological parents. It's just really hard when I see how happy we could all be as a very large extended family but certain feelings are getting in the way on her part. My fiance has no hard feelings toward her or her new boyfriend either. He actually would like to see us all happy together as well.

[MeganW]

I've been active here today . My DH and I have been together for 3yrs. He has other children we have a DD together. The other BM's (Yes I have TWO to deal with) were both civil at first. One much more than the other. The better my DH and I got along the meaner they got. The closer I tried to get to the children the more they pulled the kids away. To the point that he didn't want the conflict and stopped most contact. One of them even threatened to beat me up. I haven't encountered this much drama since jr high. We finally tied the knot last month we haven't heard from either mother or any of the children since they found out about the wedding. I think a big thing that we all need to accept is that no matter how much two people don't want to be together and no matter what they say about how unhappy they were together, at one point they were happy, and they created beautiful children and when the person you were with finds someone new and worse it looks like it could be better than what you had a lot of emotions come up and often turn hostile. Time will heal most of this along with patience and gentle pursuasion.
I agree with the PP who said keep it positive so the kids don't have to feel like "who's right". No matter what horrible things the older two kids moms say about me, I ALWAYS get a warm welcome from the kids. Honestly I tried being nice to their mother. If she has enough friends good for her, I really only care what the kids think anyway.

[djs_girl517]

Hi! I have a situation very similar to yours. I have three step-kids: 12, 9, & 6. I have been in their life since the youngest was 18 months old. I tried very hard for about 2 years to be friends with their mom. I don't really like the woman, but I also had visions of one big extended family. She had other ideas - well, she still does. She hates my guts. And the kids are very much aware of that.

But I still have a really great relationship with the kids. In fact, the 12 year old is starting to get really irritated with their mom for talking so badly about me. I've always been very careful not to say anything negative about their mom when there's any chance at all they might overhear.

I eventually gave up on trying to be friendly with her and basically just ignore/avoid her as much as she does me. Apparently she has more than enough friends, and I have more than enough people wanting to give me grief - I don't need it from her.

It would be nice if she were able to see past her own issues and think about what would be best for the kids, but that's obviously not going to happen, and I don't lose any sleep over it. I'm still very pleasant when we have to interact and she's gotten better about being civil. If at some point she decides she'd like to have a friendlier relationship with me, great; if not, oh well.

I will again echo the pp who said to not bad-mouth her to your stepson (which I'm sure you already do). I know it can be hard to bite your tongue (BELIEVE ME, I know) but it's just not fair to put him in a situation where he feels like he has to choose sides.