I dont know where else to turn

[BethLS]

I am desperate for some help gals.

My baby was in the NICU for 61 days, and finally came home this past Saturday. I thought it would be great, but it isn't. I haven't fell in love with her even yet.

She's a good baby, she really is. But I can no longer sleep with my husband (have to use guest bedroom) because he just started a new job which requires a 12 hour work day beginning at 3am, 6 days a week. At night she just SCREAMS until she gets put in bed with me. I dont want to start any flames, but I do not want to co-sleep. And yet, I cannot let her cry herself to sleep. Any solutions there?

I am just so depressed, and I feel like I can't TAKE THIS anymore, and it hasn't even been a week yet! I miss my husband (he gets home at 3pm and goes to sleep at 6, so much for seeing eachother) so much, and I miss being able to sleep more than a half hour at a stinkin time.

DH says that he would give his right arm to be in my position (stay home and take care of baby) because it is 'easy'. He doesn't understand that is isn't easy, at least for me, and that I seriously feel like doing harm to myself.

What to I do? I am at my ropes end here, but I feel so stupid for feeling this way. DH and I are only going to see eachother less and less, and I fear my baby wont ever learn to sleep in her crib or her bassinette, thus making me feel even less close to DH. And what do I do when I return back to work when my days off are not in correlation to DH's? It's great to not have a baby sitter, but at what cost to our marriage?

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I just stepped back to re-read my post before pressing submit, and I am bawling making myself sick. Is this depression? Can you tell me that a little pill everyday will make this agony go away?

A very sad new mom

[BelgianSheepDog]

Not a flame, just an honest question, but why don't you want to cosleep? I get a good chunk of sleep each night with her right here beside me, but if I tried it any other way I'd be literally up all night. It's hard to imagine doing it any other way with a newborn, their needs are so constant and intense. They really are meant to be right there with you all the time at this age. You don't have to do it forever, but maybe right now it's just going to be the easiest thing, is what I am saying.

In general try not to think in "always" or "never" terms. It's easy to do that when you're depressed and overwhelmed, but it only makes it worse. When you catch yourself thinking like that, stop yourself and do a reality check. Your baby will eventually grow up and become more independent. Your husband won't always have the same job. The world won't freeze into place in this distressing situation, although I completely understand the fear that it will.

If you are feeling like you might want to harm yourself you need to get someone to help you right now. If you were just feeling overwhelmed I'd say take it one day at a time and wait it out, but if you're already feeling this badly there's no time to wait. Call your regular doctor or your midwife, and tell them what you are feeling. Do this today. It's that important.

Please don't flame me for saying this, but your relationship with your husband now has to change dramatically. Again this isn't an "always" or "never" issue, it's a temporary situation. The situation right now is there is a tiny little person who is completely dependent on the two of you. You are all she has in this entire world and she loves you with all her heart and all her might. You have to put her first and the romantic parts of your relationship, including quiet alone time and maybe even sleeping together, are just going to have to wait. This is especially true given the rough start she got in life, but it's also the case for healthy, term newborns. They have to come first for a while. The hours and days drag on forever but before you know it, this stage will be over and she'll be stronger and stronger, bigger and bigger, walking away from you into her own life.

If you have ANY friends or family who can come over and nurture you for a few days, please lean on them now. Just get in comfy PJs, leave baby in just a diaper and a t-shirt, get into bed and nurse her. Listen to soothing music or watch old movies. Don't pay attention to the time or the news. Make a little protective cocoon for the two of you to get to know each other and bond.

I hope things get better for you very quickly.

[Gale Force]

Beth,

I think that right now you need to focus on today and taking care of yourself today. Don't worry about what will happen when you go back to work. Don't worry about what will happen if your child wants to sleep with you until college. Right now you need some sleep. It sounds like the best way of getting that is putting the baby in bed with you. You can worry about how to get her out of bed later. People do it all the time. It's possible. But in these newborn periods, it's important to look at the overall picture -- who sleeps best where and how. You will sleep best if she's not crying, she'll sleep best with you. We went through this too. I did not plan to co-sleep but that was the only reasonable way he would sleep.

If you can afford a babysitter, you should get one and in that time you should sleep or otherwise relax if at all possible. The sitter could hold and read the baby while you rest.

And your husband is most definitely naive. You have by far the most difficult job in the house right now.

Amanda

[newcastlemama]

I agree with GaleForce, just think about what you need to get through today....you are in a very difficult place right now and there is nothing easy about it...freinds/family can be very helpful at this time....I used to have my MIL come over and just watch the baby while I slept.

Keep in touch with your feelings and get help/support if you think you may be depressed.

Jennifer

[pigpokey]

By my quick calculations based on your blog info, your child is only about 37 weeks' gestational age today. In other words, was conceived (egg+sperm) eight months ago. Is that about right?

What you guys went through for the last 2+ months is something that most motherbabies would find massively traumatic.

You both need and DESERVE help! I say with love, you need an outpouring of love and support and talking and therapy. I say also with love -- your baby needs you to wear her and sleep with her. That should to be part of the solution, from what I believe about brain and baby development.

We can help work through your steps to healing both of you. Please let us help.

[BethLS]

Thanks to all who responded

I had a slight 'nervous break down' last night consisting of massive bawling on my part, lol, but I am feeling much better today. I had my SIL come over and watch babe while I did some things that I love doing. I know I should have slept, but I wanted to go out to the horse barn and say hello to my 4 legged babies. Aint nothin' better than horse-therapy I tell yah!


I didn't expect though, that having a baby in your life would be so difficult. One is hard enough (and I know I haven't even touched the tip of the ice-berg yet!), that I can't imagine doing this again. So for all of you mommas, I give you an applause. Another poster said it the best...taking care of your children is the hardest job there is.

Lots of love to all, and thankyou.

[Gale Force]

Beth,

I think the horse therapy sounds great. Very soon you will be able to put the baby in a front carrier, facing forward and the baby will be able to engage in horse therapy as well. In the meantime, do you have a sling? Baby could sleep in the sling or just watch the world and you could engage in horse therapy. If you don't have a sling, you need one and I will put my sling in the mail for you first thing Monday if you PM me with your address.

Amanda

[Kirsten]

We think parenthood will be this beautiful picture postcard thing - with us in a flowing white dress and babe nursing peacefully. Sometimes it is that. Sometimes it really, really isn't! I think it is a really hard transition when we get a situation outside of normal/easy. Born at 27 weeks and 61 days in NICU is clearly not easy! First of all, even though it may seem like it is this (hard, hard, hard) 24/7, it WILL get easier! Baby will grow and mature and cry less and sleep more, and you will bond! You will.

My situation was different but I really feel where you are right now - reminds me of my situation with dd2. Dd1 was SO easy - I won't tell you all the ways 'cause you'd throw a tomato at me! So when dd2 came along, I assume (mistakenly....) that it would be the same easy, blissful experience we'd had the first time around. WRONG! She had raging colic, which led me to a bad case of postpartum depression. She slept four hours out of every 24. The other 20 she'd cry unless she was on my boob. I'd let her nurse til I bled. Then dh would carry her around as she cried, til I nursed her again. It was four months of pure hell. I was sure that we'd never bond. I was sure I'd taken what had been a nice family situation and ruined it forever. I worried that I'd gone right round the bend (dh was quite sure I had). Dd1 had no idea WHAT happened to her entire world.

You know what? Even as awful as that time was for all of us, we made it. Dd2's colic subsided. My postpartum subsided. It seemed like it would never end but it did. Today we have three kids (yes, we rolled those dice again! No colic or postpartum third time.) The girls are 10, 5 and 3 today. Dd2 is a beautiful, brilliant, adaptable, precious child who is very bonded to all of us.

To make it easier as you wait for your dd to mature a bit physically - catching up with her prematurity - I'd suggest some things that might be helpful.

**Have someone who understands talk to your dh about HOW hard it is to do what you are doing - so he can understand and support you. Maybe (you know men) he thinks it is helping you to do the "buck up" routine but it made me furious when I was there. What did help was "I know it is painfully hard; it will get better with time." Being acknowledged, and reminded that it will improve.

**Get help! Call in your sister, mom, MIL, friends - whoever feels comforting to you. Have someone come for a week visit if you can. Or have local friends or family sign up for a day of the week that they come over and help you. I am really glad you are here on MDC; you need the support of other moms.

**Take short breaks to do stuff that rejuvenates you (sounds like you are trying to incorporate that already). Take a walk; go to the gym; wade in the river; drive around and listen to music. Anything that gives you a little break.

**Join a PEPS (Program for Early Parent Support) group - or a moms of premies group. It is great to get support like we have here on MDC - but in real life. My PEPS group literally saved my life when dd2 was little. To sit in a room each week with nine other women who were going through the same issues; it felt so good!

**Try to get as much sleep as you can. I really think that my lack of sleep, along with having to hear my baby cry and not being able to make it better - was the cause of my PPD. It is torture to listen to your baby cry and do everything you can and not be able to help her. Sometimes you do need to leave baby with dh or a loving aunt, gramma, etc. so you can walk around the block and not listen to crying for a few minutes.

Don't beat yourself up about not wanting to cosleep. That wasn't my gig either. I did do a bassinette in our room for the first three months, then into a crib in the nursery at 3 months old. If baby woke up, I'd bring her into bed with us to nurse lying down so I could drift in and out of sleep. So I guess they did do a bit of cosleeping in the early morning hours! Do what works for you. You could work it as I did without worrying that you are starting something that you don't want to keep up. I continued to put baby down to sleep every night in the bassinette.

Re: bassinette - have you tried all the "tricks"? We rolled towels to put on either side of her so she'd feel like she wasn't in a big open space. I've heard of people putting a hot water bottle in the bassinette for a few minutes before bedtime - to warm it up (taking it out before putting baby in of course). White noise is always good - we used to run the fan in the bathroom next to the nursery.

I would try not to worry about future stuff like work schedules. Just try to get through the next few months. You will all get used to the changes that having a baby (especially a premie I'd guess) brings. This is a hard part. It will get better!

[BethLS]

Thank you

Kirsten,

First off thankyou for the reply. Let me tell you whats happend in the past two days. It's better than someone telling him how hard it is, when he actually tried living it for a little while

DH's day off this week was yesterday (sat). So Friday night he came in to sleep with me, and help watch the peanut. He layed down for like 5 minutes, and she started to cry. He picked her up and tried to console her, but she wouldn't stop. So he gave her to me, and he bent down over the bed and started to bawl Baby stopped crying on my chest, and I went to DH and was rubbing his back while he was crying. He kept saying over and over, "Im sorry, Im sorry" and I said, "go to sleep honey, get some rest, and we'll talk about this tomorrow."

Tomorrow came and we went on a trip around town, just the two of us, speaking our concerns (sil was watching baby). He was upset because he couldn't help the baby stop crying, it was too overwhelming to him. And he felt horrible for the way I've been feeling this past week, again apologizing up one side and down the other to me. I told him that my job (my 'real' job where I actually get paid that is!) is very difficult stress/emotional wise, and he recognizes that. And I told him that taking care of peanut is 500 times harder than my 'real' job. After that comment he just gave me another hug and apologized again.

We also spoke about my concerns over his job, with him working 60-70 hours a week. He said he's going to cut back and learn how to help me take care of peanut, because he's got a lot of learning to do, (Heck, don't we all? Like I said I had never even held a baby before having mine!) understands that I can't do it alone and it's not healthy for peanut to never have daddy time. And if his employer wont agree to cutting back, that he's going to work a couple more weeks there, and find another less demanding job in the same field.

I am so proud of DH. He's came a long way in this argument, and in others. (Like how he was certain we'd circ our baby if it was a boy, how we must vax, ect ect) I think a lightbulb flicked on.

It's not that I never sleep or take naps with dd. Right now she's laying on my chest while I attempt typing this out During the day I find myself on the couch watching tv and dosing off with peanut on me too. I just don't want to sleep in bed, with her. Posting that here kinda makes me nervous, but, I'm being honest.

Regarding the bassenete. She just does not like it! BUT I found a solution my friends! She DOES like the 'pack and play' to sleep! (She likes bigger, non-clausterphobic spaces I guess?) Add a swaddle, and we're all set to go for 2-3 hours till she deems herself starving again I absolutely cherish my pack and play, that I went and bought another.

Gale, no I do not have a sling, well I guess I do, but it's an overly commercialized one that I wouldn't use on a baby this young. I think it's more for like 6 month olds? (Baby shower gift) I would certainly love one, but I can't take yours! I'd feel terrible, they can't be cheap purchases! My next question is though, which kinds do you recommend for a little baby, and what direction can you point me in to find them? And since I am a new mom, and this might sound like a very weird question, but can you take your baby outside in a sling? I haven't taken DD outside at all yet, I'd love to, but I am scared she'll get too cold/hot, something. I'm just a worrier Any insight?

Again thanks ladies, today is much better than the last, and the last was pretty good!

[wsgrl84]

Hi! I can sorta understand how you feel in the first few weeks of motherhood.

During my pregnancy, we got this nice crib and blanket etc and I'm thinking Ok DS is gonna love this crib.

After he's born, the crib turned into a coat hanger and toy bin...

I really wanted him to sleep by himself, u know, how babies are "suppose" to sleep.... WRONG! He would wake up every 5-10 minutes crying. So I said Okay enough of this and he slept with me in the family bed till now (he's 11 month) and I absolutely love it. It's so convenient for breastfeeding even til this day, he knows where I am at night and he'll just move over and breastfeed himself. I think it's 10 times better than the get up-walk over-rock baby-feed-put down routine. That was also when I discovered Attachment Parenting, bedsharing and MDC...

My point is just try different things, try bedsharing, it might work for you it might not. Or try slinging etc etc...You and your baby will find your groove soon enough!

Congratulations on your baby!

Good Luck! Hang in there!

[Danielsmom]

I think it would be so stressful to come home with a baby who has been in the NICU. You might be feeling residual stress from that experience...and then to come home and feel the stress of her screaming because she wants to sleep with you. The transition to motherhood can be unsettling even without PPD or a baby with health problems.

Try to be good to yourself these days. I personally found cosleeping to be a lifesaver with my firstborn. He wasn't in the NICU but I had some serious health issues. So for me, part of what worked in the first few months of motherhood was cosleeping with my son; I was able to sleep longer that way.

And if you want and choose to do so, even if you cosleep now, in a few months there are ways you can eventually transfer the baby to her own crib if that's what you prefer. Without having her go through crying it out.

Do the absolute minimum around the house--make taking care of you and the baby your priority.

Eat healthy food and get out of the house everyday for fresh air. Get a walk in if you can. Getting morning sunlight is really helpful, even if it's sitting on the porch for 10 minutes.

As challenging as I found the first few months of motherhood, I do have enjoyable memories of it--and it was because I did the things I enjoyed and just took the baby along. I walked, went to social events, and yes, I did watch a lot of tv at home. Shows I liked--Columbo, ER, and Hill Street Blues reruns. My point is I tried to do things I liked that weren't too taxing, and I took the baby along. It really helps if you can plan something you love once a day. Even something as simple as taking a bath or making a special tea for yourself.

Don't worry about not bonding or being in love with the baby yet--it will come.

I didn't have PPD with my firstborn, but with my second, I did. It was a tough first 8 weeks. Then things started to get better, and now things are going great. For me the problem wasn't not bonding but feeling torn between ds#2 and my firstborn. Also, ds #2 had terrible reflux and he was inconsolable. I too remember that "it will never get better" feeling. I'm here to tell you it does!

Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

[SleeplessMommy]

to you.

Things will get better! For the first 12 weeks after the birth, Mom's only job is to nurse (or feed) the baby and rest and recover. In a few weeks, when you have had more sleep, you can "do" stuff...

And the baby will get more interesting too.. once the little baby smiles start!

- sleeplessmommy

[Gale Force]

Beth,

Sorry, I've been gone for a bit. I think you would do well with a pouch-like sling. Newborns sink into regular slings but a pouch allows the baby's head to rest against your chest. There is a baby wearing forum here, post asking for a pouch recommendation -- or for a good carrier for a newborn. They will direct you to brands as well. I don't know the market.

Amanda

[cindyonnazareth]

hey. Give yourself a break. Ask for help so you can rest you don't have to pay someone many will willingly watch a new baby for free cause they have been there. And also...many of the things you have told yourself that you will not do ....you will do. Because they work. co-sleeping works sometimes and they don't get really attached until about 3 months so don't worry. give me an email if you ever need to talk. been where you are now. cindy

[bauchtanz]

I just wanted to say I feel for you.
My DH works 3rd shift and has a commute, so he is gone from 10-7:30 every day (at least) then he has to sleep. I too, slept in the guest room for months.

It was so hard when I brought DD home from the hospital, we were both in for extended time (and had been on bedrest before, complications, and baby was early) so he went back to work before I even left the hospital.:

I was so depressed and had no sleep for weeks. I planned on returning to work (which I did) and they called me every day needing something from me, it was terrible. We also just moved to the area and I had no one to take DD for even an hour.

I remember thinking I made the biggest mistake having DD - all I wanted to do was give her up for adoption and begged my DH to let me.

I suggest you get to a counselor. For the sake of your baby, who you deep down want to do the best for. It is SO HARD spending most of the day and night along. I remember thinking DD was never going to outgrow her nighttime colic. When she had an ear infection and threw up all over everything and I had to take to the ER at midnight I remember wanting to just sit down in her puke and cry instead of taking her..... I called and begged my husband to come help me, and he said basically (which was right) What am I going to do for you?

I did end up co-sleeping, because basically, I was going to drop her if I didn't I was so tired. I never planned on it and I right now sort of wish I could train her to sleep in her own bed. It isn't for everyone, most parents do it out of desperation, I think. Maybe you could put your DC crib in your room? That is what we did, too.

[Veron]

baby carriers and going outside

I'm new to MDC and am hesitant to put my two cents in for fear of giving unwanted and annoying advice, but you've caught my attention, Beth, with the following: "...which kinds do you recommend for a little baby, and what direction can you point me in to find them? And since I am a new mom, and this might sound like a very weird question, but can you take your baby outside in a sling? I haven't taken DD outside at all yet, I'd love to, but I am scared she'll get too cold/hot, something."

1. baby carriers: I have purchased and used the Baby Bjorn, Snugli (front & back carrier), Moby wrap, Playtex Hip Carrier. I have made a few Mei Tai (sp?) wraps after checking out some how-to websites. The most comfortable of all of these is the Moby wrap, which is nothing but an extremely long swath of cotton knit fabric. Feels like a soft cloth hug and is versatile--facing you, facing outward, on your back (if you are flexible enough to maneuver this). Can save $35 and make it yourself (no sewing necessary if you don't mind some frayed ends).
2. going outside: There are, ironically, more dangerous germs in the house (aerosolized chemicals, dust, airborne viruses which would be blown away in the outdoors but are transmitted from person to person in enclosed spaces) than outside--i.e. outside, in a baby carrier, on a walk. Fresh air will do both of you good.
3. Postpartum Depression: you are at a higher risk for this because of the pre-term experience and because of your husband being away so much. Maybe you should seek counselling earlier rather than later. Psychologists can offer talk therapy, which you may benefit from, but psychiatrists can offer antidepressants which may be a very valuable adjunct to talk therapy.

[sofysmommy]

I have not read any on the other posts but I think you are suffering from ppd
I am really sorry, Having your precious new baby in the nicu has to be very traumatic..... I so wish I could help you, i know it sucks being depressed and having people dp telling you how good you have it.

[mamareen]

definately not alone

I have ppd too and I know you know this, but you aren't alone at all. I cry at least three times a week for LONG periods of time and it's hard to just get through the day sometimes. My little girl is almost 7 months old and luckily I was able to identify my ppd when she was only a couple weeks old. She liked to be swaddled and now she takes her pacifier and a little lovie blanket we call her Ella every night and at naptimes to go to sleep. She also loves her aquarium music machine that you can attatch to the crib. I can't rememeber exactly what it's called! I think I got it at target. I'm sure you've tried what I call the "mommy bounce" with your baby's bottom arm under one of yours rocking back and forth bouncing around, possibly walking QUICKLY around the house with the pacifier in the mouth....we all know how that goes. I really sympathize with your husbands work scheduale. Ouch for all three of you. I've never had experience with that kind of thing so I'm not sure how to adivse you there....but hang in, do what you've been doing as to hanging out with SIL and other friends.