I have a couple of questions that are c-section related.
I wish I could ask all of these questions on the regular forums, but I can't spend a ton of time defending my c-sections, BTDT here quite a few times.
I feel like because I am *choosing* a repeat c-section, I don't get to make choices for the baby that are "natural". I just want what is best for the little Bean....
I just made the mistake of wandering around the net and finding a place where home births etc were the topic of discussion. It was a specific discussion which prompted these emotions.
I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP, there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.
I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.
Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.
And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not.
I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.
Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the social worker did to me.
I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed.
Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption.
So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine.
I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.
That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.