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Do you feel closer or more distant to your husband...

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
during this pregnancy? My dh and I have been going through a very rough period....I am not about to vent all of our personal stuff on a public board but suffice to say I am feeling pretty blue that we are so distant throughout this pregnancy when its SUPPOSED to be a time of coming together. I feel so alone sometimes and its like we wake up the next day and it just starts all over again.....I have heard a few other mamas on other boards talking about how their pregnancy has not brought them closer either so I was just curious and wanted to open some discussion on this.....
post #2 of 15
I feel very detached from DH currently. The difference here is that I don't want him around. We don't live together so that makes it easier but it just seems that EVERY little thing drives me nuts or upsets me. I know it's hormonal but I just don't want anything to do with him right now. Things are tough. Like you said, I don't want to air our dirty laundry but he did something that I find so bad that I just don't want him near me. How awful is that?
post #3 of 15
My first pregnancy was very awkward for us and we didn't bond very well over it- to say the least (we were very close to breaking up). We've grown a lot since then and so far we're closer by far during this pregnancy than last. But as in all seasons of our relationship, I expect up and downs throughout this pregnancy and birth and newborn period. We might be closer now, but we might drift before baby is born or grow even closer. I'm trying to allow for that so that I don't get disappointed if he and I aren't as close as I was hoping.

Relationship problems are the worst when we're pregnant. We're already emotional as it is. Depression is easy to set in, esp if there is lack of support. I hope both pp's can find support and get through these tough times. I know that these situations can be very very hard.
post #4 of 15
More distant. Which is weird, because I feel so much more in love with him and I know for sure more than ever how much I will always want to be with him. Yet I feel more separate and as if I'm in a world my own that he'll never be able to really understand.
post #5 of 15
Not from your DDC, but I wanted to respond to your thread.
DH and I lost a daughter in 2004 a day after she was born due to complications of Down Syndrome. Needless to say, the entire pregnancy we did nothing but fight. We were so distant and it seemed like the end of our marriage was nearing. We both honestly felt that once the baby was born, not realizing she wasn't going to live, that we would more than likely divorce. I think the strain of the problem pregnancy compounded things and we were both so scared we didn't know how to react, so we took it out on each other. The thought of life without him was unbearable but so was the thought of continuing on the way we were. Once Emily was born, it's like a light turned on and we realized how much we mean to each other and how fragile life is. We did go through some rough times in the weeks following her death, but it seemed things were steadily getting better for us. I don't think DH realized the magnitude of what I was going through until the baby was here and he had to experience it as well.
We are so close now but it didn't come at a cheap price. This pregnancy has been pretty text book (so far) and we have continued to grow even closer.

My advice would be not to give up on your marriage or feel like it's doomed for failure. DH doesn't know what you're going through right now.... no man ever will... Once the baby gets here things will more than likely change for the better. Right now, our husbands see us as a big ball of hormones that could erupt at any moment.

Keep your head up and you can always get support here at MDC from other moms like you.
post #6 of 15
Don't even get me started. I'm always so envious when I see peoples signatures with married to wonderful, or my best friend, or greatest, supportive DH. I have been resisting the temptation to publicly vent about what a poop head my DH has been for weeks now. Not that he wasn't a poop head before I got pregnant, pregnancy just seems to bring out the worst in him. So guess I'm saying more distant, and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. : We have been having struggles for a while now, based largely on the fact that he seems to be having some type of "midlife crisis" which he is not officially old enough for, and I am really worried at times that he could be loosing it altogether. Anyhow, done with my mini-vent. Hopefully things will get better, even though he isn't always a great husband, he has some really bright spots as a father so hopefully things will improve when the butter bean actually gets here.

Best wishes for all the mamas in the same type of boat.
post #7 of 15
For various reasons, I've felt distant from DH during all three of my pregnancies. We have issues we're working through now but on top of that, my state of mind changes on the fly and I just don't feel great physically so it's hard for me to put the effort into connecting with him even though I know that I should. He's such an awesome dad to babies, though, that my love for him (and our caring for each other) rekindled after the births of our daughters, and I am looking forward to that this time.

post #8 of 15
I would say I am feeling more connected but in a different way. Physically there isn't much happening between us, which is fine for me but is hard on DH because that's such an important part of connectedness for him. men are different!!
I feel like i am more in love with him than ever and I am so excited to have a child with him as I know he will be an incredible daddy.


in some ways i feel less connected, or maybe just more absorbed in what's going on inside of me - something that he cannot be a part of really. I am kind of enjoying that though - I feel supported and loved by him but also have a strength growing inside myself - mama strength - that is seperate from him.

it's weird.
post #9 of 15
My husband and I never get along when I'm pregnant. Last time we separated for a month and then almost divorced once the baby was born but he left for six months of training and we worked things out.

This time he's leaving for Iraq (in one day!) and we're going to take the year as a separation period. When he gets back we're going to decide if it's worth saving or not. Considering the facts that we'll have had a year-long break and that I won't be pregnant, I'm sure we'll save it.

I don't understand why we don't get along when I'm pregnant. Part of it is the sex thing...but that's always been an issue in our relationship. I guess I just feel the rejection more and retaliate so that he feels as crappy as I do. I don't know but it really freaking sucks sometimes.
post #10 of 15
Definately closer
post #11 of 15
Seems with each pregnancy, my DH goes through a... I don't even know how to label it. I've read that some/most men sort of freak out during a first pregnancy and revert to childish behavior, or run out and buy cars, sort of midlife-crisis behavior. I noticed this in a neighbor couple and it made me feel better that my DH wasn't the only one. I suppose it is just his/their way of dealing with the impending new responsibility. We've never been in such bitter, hateful (on his part) fights as when I'm pg. And, oh joy, it has been every time I've been pg. Just bracing myself for the fiasco this time around... I know it is around the corner. As for me currently, I'm feeling a little closer to my DH. However, I know issues are on the horizon (won't detail them here), plus I'm already starting to get antsy about getting things done around the house in preparation for birth (we have some cosmetic things to do on the house that are projects that have been sitting stagnant for 7 months now- I want them done, or at least would feel a little better if there was just a modicum of progress on them each week). So I need to alter my expectations if I don't want that to be an issue.

I think a blaring example of an answer to the OP is that while I was pg with #2 and I think for a time afterward, I swore to myself, because I was so livid with DH in general, that I was never having another child with him. Heehee, here comes baby #4....
post #12 of 15
Mamas who are having troubles right now I hope things get better for you soon.

Mr D and I do pretty well during pregnancy. Our losses prior to this pregnancy have really brought us together and cemented in his mind how much he wants this baby. He is a good father and when I see him parenting out daughters, that really makes me feel affection in a different way than what I feel when I am not pregnant. We laugh a lot too.

post #13 of 15

married to a woman and very close

My partner and I have been together over 10 years. We are having our first and maybe our only child. We had worked so hard on our relationship for years and years. It did get better and better but it took a lot of therapy and effort. The last year or two have been great. I can honestly say that I was so happy with my relationship I had no desires for it to be better. Interestingly and surprising to both of us, it has made us a lot closer. I think it also cements that we are a family to people who didn't see us that way before. I feel like it is a priveledge to finally have some people see us as a family. My father is the only person not happy about us having a baby, but he has lots of problems and I don't feel as bothered anymore that he isn't speaking to us. Many other people have shown us love we have never felt. We are in our birth classes now, and are very very insinct there too. Pregnancy is very phyisically uncomfortable to me. I am 23 weeks and I still puke. The emotional aspects, however, are awesome. What a gift to feel closer than ever to my partner.
post #14 of 15
>.> Dont ask...I'm debating sleeping on the couch tonight...
post #15 of 15
Visiting from Jan DDC...glad to see I'm not alone!
I go back and forth from feeling very connected to him to feeling very much in need of my autonomy/separation from him.
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