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Rant from a "'nother mommy"

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
We are on vacation in Myrtly Beach this week, for our annual family reunion. Biomom and her bf also happened to be vacationing here this week, staying at a hotel about 20 minutes north of us.

When DH went Monday morning to pick up the girls to come stay with us for the day, DSD1 informed him that biomom had packed a bag for them because she (biomom) said that "daddy won't bring clothes for you. I have to send them so you can play." That irked me a bit, as I told biomom that I would be packing clothes for the girls, so she wouldn't need to worry about it. I assumed she had forgotten that conversation, and just wished she hadn't drug DSD into it.

Today, when DH went to pick the girls up, biomom had again sent a backpack full of clothes and toys, as well as making a point to show DH the $30 each Build-A-Bears the girls had made with her. In the car, DSD2 (4) informed my DH that if he got her head wet in the pool, biomom would yell at him and he wouldn't be allowed to play with them anymore.

I understand that 4yos mix things up, and misconstrue conversations constantly, but that is extreme. She's not vindictive, and wouldn't make something up just to upset DH. Again, I'll give biomom the benefit of the doubt that she didn't say exactly that, but I have to wonder what she's been saying to our girls to make them think that if their father plays with them, that he'll get yelled at?

Also, biomom spent the entire week preceding the trip lamenting the fact that she doesn't have any extra money to spend on vacation since she's raising two kids on one salary. We pay her $1000/month in child support. Somehow, however, the girls showed up with two new pairs of shoes each, 3 new bathing suits each, and the $30/piece bears. Now how does that make sense? We're worried that we're not going to make rent, and yet every time I turn around, the girls have brand new shoes and clothes and I hear a rant about a lack of funds, while in the same breath complaining about the girls having too many clothes. Two days before the trip, I picked the girls up from school and DSD1 was wearing skin tight bicycle shorts with a hole in the crotch, and DSD2 was wearing jelly shoes three sizes too small (they were a 7/8, she wears a 10 1/2) and a bathing suit that was cutting in to her tush and shoulders. The next day, when I returned the girls to biomom, she informed me that DSD2's shorts were "a little snug. She's NOT a 4, you know. Really, you should pay a little closer attention to her clothes."

UGH. I'm sorry, I'm just so sick of being spoken down to by this woman, and having my DH treated like crap as well.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

And to all biomoms out there, this is in no way an attack on you. I can imagine how difficult it must be to send your kids to another home, where you don't know what's happening or how they're being treated.
post #2 of 13
I'm not in a blended family, but I was growing up and my best friend has 2 SD and deals with this type of crap from her SD biomom all the time. I just wanted to send a and say you're not alone.
post #3 of 13
Oh yeah, familiar territory here. Our biomom once sent the children for a six week visit with 2pr shorts, 2 shirts and the underwear they had on. I wasd in labor when they arrived (late, as usual) so the kids spent the next week w/other relatives and didn't tell anyone! Then we got yelled at by her for buying them clothes instead of hoping she'd show up with some.

She's broke all the time but she sends the kids to camps the whole summer, they take trips almost every vacation, eat out and see first run movies and buy clothes new from stores that don't have a "mart" in the title.Oh and she has 2 or 3 cars (one driver---her) for no reason other than she can.

Sometimes I think the bio moms are insecure so they act as if they have to keep up with the Joneses, especially on vacation, etc. Kinda like, "My marriage failed but, LOOK AT EVERYTHING I STILL DO!!" It is frustrating and honestly the situation usually sucks. Sometimes the situation improves in time.
post #4 of 13
my favorite crazy ex story is how when we would pick them up for a weekend visit at 9am on Sat and bring them back 1pm on Sun she would complain that we didn't wash their clothes. To make it even crazier than it sounds, we had to drive 8hrs to pick them up and we camped at a state park since we couldn't afford a hotel.
I think some people don't understand the give and take that occurs in normal relationships.
post #5 of 13
Thread Starter 
She has also informed us that if the girls don't receive a bath EVERY DAY, we're neglecting their hygiene. Seriously.

And just now, DH left to take the girls to play putt-putt with our niece, and DSD2 put on her brand new Barbie platform flipflops that are 3 sizes too big. She wears a 10 1/2. They're a 13/1. Honestly. Look at the child's feet!! She's going to get hurt wearing shoes that don't fit!
post #6 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by chel
I think some people don't understand the give and take that occurs in normal relationships.
And I think we often assume the worst intentions of our exes. I don't have stepkids, but I know that I can be as guilty as my ex in assuming the worst. Last summer the bags were all packed for the kids to go visit dad and stepmom and, apparently, at the last minute, our youngest threw in something from the dryer that wasn't quite dry yet. By the end of a 10 hour trip, several things in the bag were apparently damp. I have yet to hear the end of that - and what a "neglectful parent" I am for "sending wet clothes." Among normal (read: those people not previously intimate - and then hurt and insulted/rejected) people these things would not be blown out of proportion - but emotions do crazy things to people. Sehbub, you seem to be doing a great job of giving biomom the benefit of the doubt. I wish I had words of wisdom - I have spent time recently trying to figure out how to change the tenor of my relationship with my ex and really don't see how to do it.
post #7 of 13
I feel your pain and anger and I commend you for trying. I just wish I could give you some insight and help but we've been dealing with snide remarks and put-downs for five years with no end in sight.
post #8 of 13
The only words of wisdom I have for you is don't take the bait. Maybe she is just praying for a confrontation, an excuse to cut off contact (yet keep the money the kids are entitled too). Been there.

So don't give her any excuse to go down that route.

Don't take any of her crap personally. Let it roll off your back. Yawn. Whatever. Keep what is important in mind... maintaining a relationship with his daughter(s). She can talk trash all she wants * hopefully * the girls will see with your and your husbands actions that wife # 1 is a liar.

I speak from experience.

DH has had a nightmarish situation. Only now it's better (less of her controlling behavior) because his son is 15 now.

Oh... and don't take this the wrong way... but you should try not to engage her either. Let him deal with her as much as humanly possible. I know you are doing your best to be liked by them, doing special things for them, but this just draws you into her the problems she is trying to create. And maybe in your situation (regular visits, we didn't have that) it's impossible, so forgive me.

Just focus on creating wonderful memories and helping your DH create a tight bond with them. The rest will follow.
post #9 of 13
Sounds like my situation. I was at my stepkiddo's swim meet the other day sitting there taking with her mom. She was going on and on and on about how money was so tight (she makes over 70K a year plus we pay her 1000 per month in cs) and how she is awake nights becasue she is afraid of debt. All of this she is telling me while we sit next to the pool at her COUNTRY CLUB with her LOUIS VUITTON purse sitting next to her. I'm tyhinking to myself "if you are worried about money, I could think of a few places to save some money... lets start with this country club you joined a couple months ago!"

My stepkiddo also tells me things her momma tells her. I think it all stems from the ex-wifes self esteem issues.

Grin an bear it sweetie. Ex-wives like that suck. You have your hubby and you sound like an amazing stepmom. The children recognize it (or they will when they get older) and your hubby knows you are better than the ex too.
post #10 of 13
Let's hear from the other side,

I send the kids over to his house in nice clothes, but they come back in rags, no socks or underwear. Stop bitching about being involved with an ex spouse, you knew they were married or had had children with someone before you became too involved.

I have just learned over the years that I do not send the children in good clothes, their school jackets or any bit of clothing that I care about. I have also learned that my former spouse thinks that his new truck payment is more important than our child's ortho bills. I just pay the bills, add them and will hit him in small claims court.....again.

It is really hard to let go and send your children to a house they do not even have a room in. It is hard to see the normalise that you worked so hard for in your child's lives be torn apart in a weekend.
post #11 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
Let's hear from the other side,
Stop bitching about being involved with an ex spouse, you knew they were married or had had children with someone before you became too involved.
As I said in my original post, I am in no way attacking biomoms, as I know how hard it would be to send my DD to someone else's home, and I know I would feel concerned about her treatment while there.

That said, how dare you? "Stop bitching..."? Yes, I did know my ex was married previously, and I also knew that he had children with his ex wife. However, I don't believe that gives his ex license to treat my husband or I like we are incompetent in taking care of the girls. They want for nothing with us, have their own room, plenty of clothes and toys, and know they are loved and respected.

I am deeply sorry that your situation is so negative, but who are you to attack me for venting about my personal situation? If you want to take it out on someone, write your own rant, or talk to your ex. You have no right to attack me simply because you didn't like what I said.

As an adult and a mother, I should not have to put up with another adult treating me as though I am incompetent, whether the children I am caring for are mine or not. If I was providing daycare for a child, I would not allow that child's mother to speak to me even half as condescendingly as my DSD's biomom does, so why the hell shouldn't I be upset about the way I'm being treated?

My post was not a stab at biomoms, or how hard it is for you to give your children over to another woman (or an ex you deem unfit). I was in no way insulting you, or your personal situation, and am not sure I understand why I got attacked for venting my frustration. If this forum is not for support, then what the hell is the point?
post #12 of 13
[QUOTE=sehbub]That said, how dare you? "Stop bitching..."? Yes, I did know my ex was married previously, and I also knew that he had children with his ex wife. However, I don't believe that gives his ex license to treat my husband or I like we are incompetent in taking care of the girls. They want for nothing with us, have their own room, plenty of clothes and toys, and know they are loved and respected.

As an adult and a mother, I should not have to put up with another adult treating me as though I am incompetent, whether the children I am caring for are mine or not. If I was providing daycare for a child, I would not allow that child's mother to speak to me even half as condescendingly as my DSD's biomom does, so why the hell shouldn't I be upset about the way I'm being treated?QUOTE]


Its hard enough beng a stepmom without that kind of crap coming at us.
post #13 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by sehbub
As I said in my original post, I am in no way attacking biomoms, as I know how hard it would be to send my DD to someone else's home, and I know I would feel concerned about her treatment while there.
I am a biomom and I wasn't offended in the least by your post. It's a great comfort to have a place like this
where you can vent your feelings and thoughts. Where you can let it out and hear other people's stories and
advice. I just wanted you to know that one biomom read, and felt your feelings, without feeling like you
were talking about me personally.

Besides even if you were bitchin, sometimes a good cry out of ones problems can be the best thing for the soul.
You should be able to do that without judgement.
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